Feel helpless - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 12:55 PM Thread Starter
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Feel helpless

Ueuudueh


Last edited by Dodoubleg; 02-21-2017 at 02:45 PM.
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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 12:59 PM
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Re: Feel helpless

Sir, sorry you are here. Go home. It is your home as well. Your W should be moving out. Why are you taking the brunt? You did nothing wrong and own 50% of the marriage. Your W owns 100% of the cheating. Your W should have told you her concerns years ago. Infidelity is never the answer. Please expose the affair to all. Burst the bubble of living free and easy with kids and home.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 01:08 PM
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Re: Feel helpless

First off, I am sorry you are here.

When a woman is done, she's done. Believe her.

Ciao,

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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 01:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feel helpless

Jdndbdke

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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 01:13 PM
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Re: Feel helpless

Don't try to be the guy she fell in love with. You've been married for 7 years and however long you dated before that, that man is long gone as is the woman you fell in love with. I've had similar problems and they have led to an even bigger mess. Since you're already out of the house, I'd keep doing what you've been doing but back off of her on everything except essential family issues. I'm not saying to ignore her but let her start the conversations with you, let her make the first moves. And whatever you do, don't bring up your problems at all. Let things play out a little and let her see that you're just fine the way things are. From what I've come to realize, one of my problems was I pushed to hard for answers that may not have been so cut and dry. In doing so, I pushed her away even further which led to the mess I'm in now. And although my own marriage is at the brink, I have found recently that just backing off and letting things cool down have seemed to open the lines of normal communication again. I'd say just back off and see how things play out.
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 01:17 PM
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Re: Feel helpless

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Originally Posted by Dodoubleg View Post
Hi thanks but she can't leave and I won't make her she looks after the children 2 days a week. I don't want to be there as I think havingbtjme apart will be the best thing.
Your W legally can stay in the home. But, why should your move out? Move home and sleep in your bedroom. Your W can sleep on the couch. Also, do you want to R or thinking about it? If so, being apart does not help. The OM, is he married? A coworker? Did you expose the affair? Affairs thrive in the darkness. Also, why are you helping hide your W affair?

She looks after the children 2 days a week? Is with OM the other days? Go home sir and make this affair as difficult as you can. Take care of the kids.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 01:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feel helpless

The om is omeone she met out somewhere but doesn't live around here. She has only seen him the once since meeting him back a few months ago but she did tell me they kissed that time. and I have been told by her and also friends that she is not thinking of seeing him again. The other 3 days she works at the same company I do. This again is a problem. I want to try and stay positive and I think I do want to reconcile and all of her family see that this is not the person we all know nor the person I fell I live with al that time ago. It's the fact that she has never told any of this. We had a talk a few weeks ago and she suggested counciling but I feel that her heart wasn't in it due to the ea. I know probably that I just need to give up and start looking forward but if there is some small chance that by trying to see me as the man she feel in love with she could change her mind. She is a big Christian so marriage is for life so if she has changed her about this can she not change her mind again. I'm not sleeping properly I need to get a proper nights sleepnj miss my kids but I don't want to be there in the house knowing she could be upstairs texting this guy. Whilst I'm here I don't think about it.
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 02:01 PM
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Re: Feel helpless

Why do people STILL feel having another kid will bring a struggling couple closer? SMH... :/
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 02:05 PM
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Re: Feel helpless

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Originally Posted by Dodoubleg View Post
The om is omeone she met out somewhere but doesn't live around here. She has only seen him the once since meeting him back a few months ago but she did tell me they kissed that time. and I have been told by her and also friends that she is not thinking of seeing him again. The other 3 days she works at the same company I do. This again is a problem. I want to try and stay positive and I think I do want to reconcile and all of her family see that this is not the person we all know nor the person I fell I live with al that time ago. It's the fact that she has never told any of this. We had a talk a few weeks ago and she suggested counciling but I feel that her heart wasn't in it due to the ea. I know probably that I just need to give up and start looking forward but if there is some small chance that by trying to see me as the man she feel in love with she could change her mind. She is a big Christian so marriage is for life so if she has changed her about this can she not change her mind again. I'm not sleeping properly I need to get a proper nights sleepnj miss my kids but I don't want to be there in the house knowing she could be upstairs texting this guy. Whilst I'm here I don't think about it.
If your W is big on Christian marriage she would not have OM. Your W is big on being selfish. She may read up on what the Bible states about marriage and infidelity.

Now go expose the affair. You are facilitating it by not exposing. Your W is cake eating. You are taking the brunt. Does OM have a W? She needs to know and should be advise to the type of H she is married.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 02:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feel helpless

I don't know anything about the om and honestly I don't want to. what will it do it might make me feel better but then the fallout from my wife might risk the chances of getting the care order I want for my kids. I know all I seem to be doing is justifying if the ea and affair I'm not but I don't see the point of getting angry as I am going to be linked to my wife until the day I die due to the children. I just want to get on with things. If that is divorce selling the house and starting again then so be it but at the moment I am in limbo as we need to put house on market sell it then start again. With numerous business trips aetc I will be back and forth from the house doing childcare and the last thing I want is a hostile environment for the children. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure and feeling so helpless scares the crap out of me

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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 02:25 PM
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Re: Feel helpless

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I don't know anything about the om and honestly I don't want to. what will it do it might make me feel better but then the fallout from my wife might risk the chances of getting the care order I want for my kids. I know all I seem to be doing is justifying if the ea and affair I'm not but I don't see the point of getting angry as I am going to be linked to my wife until the day I die due to the children. I just want to get on with things. If that is divorce selling the house and starting again then so be it but at the moment I am in limbo as we need to put house on market sell it then start again. With numerous business trips aetc I will be back and forth from the house doing childcare and the last thing I want is a hostile environment for the children. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure and feeling so helpless scares the crap out of me
Well sir, you came asking for advise. Your head is in the sand and your hands are thrown in the air. Contact a lawyer and proceed. You want to care for your children yet do not care who the OM is WHO WILL BE AROUND YOUR CHILDREN. Sorry for the 2x4. You must might what to find out who he is. Further, your W is making revisionist history on the marriage. Fell out of love years ago. Never cared for you. You seemed to have not cared. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Yet, your W never told you. Right out of the cheater handbook.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 02:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feel helpless

Thank you I know what your saying and your right but there is also more stuff I'm not saying about my wife and how her parents broke up that I know that she wouldn't bring any other man in to my children's life for the foresable future. But thank you for your advice I need to take my head out of my ass start thinking about moving on and basically start getting this stuff moving. If I am proactive then I can move on so thank you
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 02:32 PM
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Re: Feel helpless

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Thank you I know what your saying and your right but there is also more stuff I'm not saying about my wife and how her parents broke up that I know that she wouldn't bring any other man in to my children's life for the foresable future. But thank you for your advice I need to take my head out of my ass start thinking about moving on and basically start getting this stuff moving. If I am proactive then I can move on so thank you
We need the full story to help. Further, your W has already brought OM into your life as well as the kids.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 02:34 PM
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Re: Feel helpless

You are devastated by the hurt you are experiencing, many of us have been thru the same. There is nothing anyone can say today that will make that hurt stop, or answer all your why and what if questions. Honestly many of your questions will never be answered, you are going to have to accept that.

What those that have been thru it will tell you is to stay focused on protecting yourself and negotiate a fair and equitable settlement, for your sake and the kids sake. So many times grief over shadows common sense and we give too much, an example is you leaving your home. Yes it sucks to be there with her BUT it can harm you in the long run and it is harder for the kids when one day you just aren't there any longer, your kids are too young to understand.

Things will work out however they do, in time the pain will diminish and go away, take care of yourself, your kids and your rights.
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