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Wife Does Not Find me Attractive

10K views 54 replies 41 participants last post by  bandit.45 
#1 ·
My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years (no kids). Prior to get married we dated for 2 years and engaged for 1 year. So in total we've been together for just under 7 years.

In the past year, she has constantly reminded me that she does not find me attractive. It first started with a few comments here and there and has progressivly got worse as the year went on. The comments can be as subtle as mentioning how she wishes my eyes were bigger or that my hair should have more volume to comments outright cruel such as "I settled. I could've got a better looking husband" or mentioning how her ex-boyfriends have all been better looking.

We have talked about how this bothers me and gave even brought up divorce if she really means everything she says. But time after time she begs not to divorce and that she will try to stop talking to this way. Then a couple weeks go by and back to her comments.

Our sex life has also suffered in the past year. The frequency of sex has dwindled from twice a week, to once a week, to once a month. Although she doesn't admit it, I believe this could be a result of how she sees me physically.

For the record, I don't believe I am ugly by any means. I am in my early 30s, work out 5 days a week so maintain a athletic build, and prior to her making all these comments, I thought myself to be a decent looking guy.

I am 100% sure she is not cheating as we spend almost the whole day together (commute to and from work and never really do things on our own).

With the exception of her saying these things to me and the reduction in sex, our marriage has been great. We do plenty of activities together, share the same interests, and get along fine.

At this point, I have pretty much given up. We have the same conversation over and over about her needing to stop and she agrees that she has to and doesn't know why she does it. It has gotten to the point that I left for and spent a week in a hotel with the expectation of getting a divorce.

Thoughts? Opinions? Suggestions?

Thanks
 
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#2 ·
I am a woman and will tell you first off, she has no respect for you. What does she expect you to do, have a body transplant or plastic surgery? She sounds incredibly shallow and childish.
Ask her this the next time. Ask her does she realise how offensive and hurtful she is being. Ask her how she would feel if you started telling her negative things about certain aspects of her body. I am sure she is not perfect.
Tell her if she doesn't stop with this, you will have no choice but to divorce her and find someone who will actually appreciate you. Be firm but loving.



Give her a timeframe. If she doesn't change, then you cannot stay in a marriage like this.

The other thing you have to consider is if she is comparing you with someone else who is in the picture. When did this behaviour start?
 
#3 ·
I want to cry reading your post. :( How sad that she says these things, why did she marry you? I'd think about leaving, and definitely don't bring kids right now into the situation. You might be spending all your time together (you think) but she could be in an emotional affair, like maybe something she started on facebook or something. I'd not discount that. Hoping things get better for you.
 
#4 ·
Sorry brother. You can't recover from this. People can't control who they are attractive to. Just let her go. Go find someone that wants your d!ck everyday. There are plenty of good looking women out there that will do just that. Trust me!

What's in it for you to stay married to her? You have no kids. You are lucky! Divorce will be simple and you're young. Plenty of time to start over. I got divorced last year and it was the best thing that could ever happen to me.

File for divorce tomorrow and get your new life started NOW!
 
#22 ·
She is either lying and a bit looney, or being truthful and scared to be alone.
I think also she's scared to be alone and insecure. It's sort of akin to bullying behaviour, the more she puts you down, the more (she thinks) you will stay because you'll will think nobody will want you. You begin to think that you're worthless basically.

My ex did this, it still affects me to this day.
Looking back, it was the first signs of what became an abusive relationship.

Follow your gut instincts, you know that you deserve better than this, don't wait until it gets worse.

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#6 ·
Thanks for the replies. I know that the logical thing to do is to end the marriage, which I've told her is what will happen if things don't drastically change.

I'm pretty certain she is not physically cheating on me with anyone but I would say she is definitely emotionally cheating on me with every guy she finds more attractive then me. Whether it is a random guy at a store, guy on tv, etc she always obsesses on how she could've had a guy like that but is stuck with me.

I know divorce is probably the answer but it's just hard knowing that it's just this one thing in her mind that is eating away at her and ultimately ruining the marriage.
 
#7 ·
This is only the tip of that iceberg... there is much more you may not be seeing under this surface.
 
#10 ·
I can't imagine being cruel enough to stay that to someone. I had an issue with my husband's hairstyle and did not tell him for six or seven years. When I did, I didn't tell him he was unattractive. I simply told him the hairstyle was aging him. It was a combover. He was very hurt but now he thinks shaving his head was the best thing he has ever done.

We are currently separated, but it has nothing to do with that ;-)

Have you guys ever seen a therapist together? It would be interesting to see what their opinion was and what her reasoning is for telling you that.


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#12 ·
With the exception of her saying these things to me and the reduction in sex, our marriage has been great.

Thanks
Yeah great, with the exception of her saying the stuff that almost makes you want to divorce her.

See this is almost like when someone gets cheated on and they say apart from the cheating everything is great. You literally have this gigantic underlying issue in your marriage that bubbles up every once in while, that chips away at your self worth, sure you can hang out, have "fun" but imagine years and years of this treatment, your self worth will be in the toilet by the end.

100% she might not cheat, but does it matter, if she tells you you're ugly and won't have sex with you?

And stop telling her how much it hurts you. It's weak, as you've seen she'll go right ahead and keep doing it.

Maybe she just doesn't ahem..find you attractive. Believe what she's saying to you is her truth, you can't force her to bang you or to find you attractive can you?
 
#16 · (Edited)
There are some women who say things but really don't think about how terribly hurtful the things that were said are to you. It's really awful when one of them turn out to be your wife. This is just one of the ways our marriage got off to a horrible start. I know how you feel and agree with most that you should at least work with her to get her to respect you and try to be mindful how much this hurts you. I do think that really the only way to stop this permanently is to divorce her.
 
#19 ·
Are you sure you're as attractive as you think you are? What are your hygiene habits like? My husband has a body most men would kill for, but his oral hygiene is pretty poor. His entire family does not take pride in their teeth so I blame them, but as an adult it's disgusting and I confess I belittle him if he goes on day 5 without brushing. Sorry. Not sorry. Do you just throw on some sweats and never do your hair? Her treatment of you isn't right, but it's one thing to be decent looking and quite another not to put in any effort. As a woman it takes so mch ****ing effort to maintain an apperance that I want my equal. All of the shaving, waxing, tanning, highlights, manicures.. That's just BASIC care. Maybe she wants more effort on your part?
 
#20 ·
Thoughts? Opinions? Suggestions?

Thanks
Even if your wife was not such a clod by reminding you that she doesn't find you attractive and telling you that her ex-boyfriends were much more attractive, you would still have a wife that doesn't find you attractive. If your wife simply stops reminding you about it, you still would not really feel much better. Consider ending it and then look for a lady who is as in to you as you are to her. It takes time and a bit of luck to find such a person, but even being single would likely be a big improvement.

Some men don't care if their wife thinks they're unattractive, but you're not one of those men.
 
#24 · (Edited)
,You are her sounding board. She is bouncing her inner desires against your outer shell. And that shell [to her] is bland.

She has exceptional vision. Yes, she does.

She can look right through you, not see you. Not see any value in you.

She only sees herself as being.....unhappy.

You see, she is a believer in the "Value Added" theorem. She has no intrinsic value unless she can stand in the shadow of an attractive man.

She only sees herself as being....unhappy. I see her as being incomplete. She has low esteem. She has low esteem and it is your fault.

Her outlook is flat as a smooth board. And you have caused her to be.......bored....with you

She is a Flat Earther. She sees everything in 'two' dimensions, viz., 1) A man's looks -and- 2) Her standing next to that man . She inflates her deflated ego by idolizing the plastic entities that fill the streets of Hollywood, of Bollywood. She and her ilk stand in the shadows of two legged Shadows.

Have you noticed that the plainest people, those that are "judged" to be five or sixes on a scale of ten, wear the most outlandish clothes, wear their hair in a style that makes others look. They get the most tattoos...most outlandish tattoos. Add the ear lobe inner rings, the nose and lip rings. You get the picture.

These same sad folks worship the "perceived" Nines and Tens. You know, those good lookers that exist on the surface of life's ocean.

Why? Because these dependent souls are not comfortable in their own skin....and it is "your" fault.

She is "Shallow Sal" and you are not shallow Hal, hence your pain.

Trade her in for a women with good eyesight.... with good sensate. Trade her in for a women who will stroke your Ego. Both of them.
 
#26 ·
Let me get this straight.
Your wife insults you regularly,putting you down and admiring other guys.
You have very little or no sex.
You tell her this is hurting you but she doesn't care.
Other than that you have a great marriage.
This is like the old line"apart from that,did you enjoy the play Mrs Lincoln"
You're wife doesn't give a rats ass about you or your meaningless ultimations.
Get out and stay out.
 
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