Burnt out, hopeless, thinking of leaving everything behind - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

User Tag List

 22Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 04:41 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 5
Burnt out, hopeless, thinking of leaving everything behind

Hey all,

We are going through some challenging times in my life, and I wanted to get your perspectives as to if I am seeing things clearly. Because at this point, I am thinking of quitting my job, leave my family and go live with my parents in Canada, never to see my kids again.

I am 45, and my wife is 40. We have 4 healthy and beautiful kids together, ages ranging 6 through 11. We have been married 12 years. We did get married pretty quickly; only 13 month from our first date to our wedding. We had done some long-distance moves, mostly to pursue my job opportunities. We have been living in the "Silicon Valley" for the last 7 years, which I must say further contributed to our struggles; the cost of living is very high here, despite my 'high' salary. Plus we have no close family members nearby. Neither of us have any substance or gambling problems, and we have never cheated on each other (at least to my knowledge).

By anyone's measure, my wife is a beautiful, highly intelligent and well-educated woman; an Ivy League undergrad with a Ph.D in molecular biology, no-less. She also comes from a great family, who accepted me with open arms. I felt I was very lucky to have married her, even though my wife never held herself as such a "great catch". She attributes her low self-esteem to her mom being very sick during her childhood, which I admit I don't fully understand. In contrast, I have a pretty high (unrealistic?) self-esteem, where I approach most things in life with a lot of confidence, even though I know deep down I know how dumb/incapable I am. One of the things I love about my wife is that she is truly impressed about things I am able to accomplish (e.g. what I can negotiate to get paid), and that she believes in me as to I can do greater things in life.

I think it would be correct to say that things were very good between us until we had our 1st child. Once that baby was out, she became completely obsessed with our child and declared that she wanted to be a stay at home mom. She also decided not to pursue her science career, as it would take too much time away from the baby. I agreed to her at the time, and in retrospect I shouldn't have.

At that time I was on a work-visa in US, and my wife a "dependent". I'm from Canada, and being on a work-visa meant that we would have to leave the US, if I were to lose my job (even if we had an American child). So, having that uncertainty hanging over me created a great deal of stress on my part. Given that my wife had a life-science Ph.D from a prestigious US school would almost guarantee a Green Card (permanent residency status) within 18 month, once she starts to work. I finally got my Green Card 5 years after, which now allowed my wife to work part-time, or start a business. Meanwhile, we now had 4 children, plus much higher cost of living - which I am barely managing to pay for it all.

For the last 5 yrs, my wife working part-time was not feasible (or we thought) due to high cost of childcare. So she had been attempting at various business ventures, and unfortunately none of them would pan out. And last year, we had moved once again to be closer to my new higher-paying job, close to San Francisco, which was putting me on 3 to 4 hour daily commute... and with that our rent pretty much doubled again. Fast forward a year, we are now $70K in credit card debt, with no hope of savings for our retirement. (and we do not have any assets)

I consider myself a very progressive person, and my idea of marriage was of an equal partnership. While I still carry a lot of "old-school" cultural baggage, I firmly believe in equal rights for women, including equal pay for work, etc. And with that, I would have no stigma if my wife would be so successful and she were to make money than me. In fact, I would be SO happy, not having to have the sole financial burden of paying for it all... so I would be free to pursue more creative ventures that I dream of, one of which is to create my own business.

What my wife and I have been really fighting a lot, for the last 5 years, is around my wife's approach on managing her business (and her time). I never saw the planning and organization she would need, to make sure she has goals and metrics to measure her success (and failures). Also, as a side-effect of her low self-esteem, she would not take risks; she would only risk few hundred dollars. I am all for failing early and fast in whatever she's trying, so we can move onto trying something else. And my frustration grew over time, as she could have taken a job paying $100k/yr... instead of losing few thousand a year. Her reactions to my criticism were about her taking it personally, although I always try to keep my criticism to objectives, and not make it about her. e.g. one would do this, not that, because of XYZ (and not, you did this because you're so stupid). I can't seem to get through to her, that I am not her enemy and that she needs to objectively assess her business's success and failures, based on goals she set.

And meanwhile, my wife would not accept anything less than "best schools" for our kids, whereas I don't necessarily believe in best schools (as I have seen a lot of very successful who didn't go to "best" schools). And unfortunately, in the US, if you want to send your kids to good public schools, you have to live in really nice (and very expensive) areas, which is what we've been doing. Really, I feel (know) that we're out of our depth at this point; I have seen our neighbor driving a Porsche 918 Spyder, and our next door neighbor has a Bentley and Ferrari.

Most of days, all I hear from my wife is how tired she is. But at the same time, I have no idea what she does all day, after kids are dropped off at 8:30am and picked up at 2 and 3pm. She doesn't cook a lot, and we have our maid cleaning our house every 2 weeks. It really irks me that she had mentioned on few occasions, how our neighbors stay-at-home-moms have full-time nannies (and yes their husbands are either venture cap managers or sold successful Internet startups). She is on Facebook a lot (all the time?) as she is now trying to build Facebook-based business, which she had spent $9k of my parents-in-law's money so far, which hadn't shown any revenue for the last 6 months. Also, when I come home, kids have been mostly hooked up to iPads/computers, and they aren't doing "great" at school either; I feel my wife should be tutoring them more.

That said, I really do love and adore my wife, I think more so than most guys. In a way I am enabling us to get in such high debt, as we eat out 4-5 times a week... because it would help my "tired" wife. (BTW another thing I love about my wife is that she's physically very healthy; one less thing for me to worry about!) We spend about $3000/mo on eating out, and I honestly don't know why we spend another $1500/mo on groceries. I am pretty sure we throw out a lot of food... which again goes to my criticism of lack of planning around household. After ~$6k/mo rent, we're getting in debt, even at my $250k+/yr salary. Plus I get my wife things before she asks for them, and to date she had never asked for anything (e.g. jewelry, beauty products, latest & best Apple/Bose/Dyson stuff - $400 hairdryer!). I also make sure that her family is well taken care of whenever they visit, pack her mom's favorite chocolates when she visits her mom.

My wife agreed to looking for a full-time job, if she didn't have a profitable business by end of 2016. Now she is saying that it's too early to give up, and she only agreed to start looking for new job if she didn't meet her goal. That is really boiling my blood, as 1) she knew the intent of our agreement, and that 2) she will not honestly focus on her job search.

To add to that, my workplace is very stressful nowadays, due to people playing stupid politics and marginalizing my work.

Oh, and of course, our sex life: we do about once every 2-3 weeks, which is mostly due to my wife "being tired"/"not in mood"/"monthly visitor" (down from DAILY sex, pre-kids). Yes, that's another source of our tension as I have a pretty high sex-drive. That said, I really try hard to "not look at another woman twist", to be respectful to my wife.

Since last month, I have told my wife that I will exit from my current job and move to Canada... and perhaps I will NOT work, period. I will live off on welfare, and she can do whatever she needs to, to pay for all the "extras". Good news is that we get public healthcare and "decent" public education for kids, regardless where we are. I told her that she can come to Canada with kids with that understanding, or I am just gone. At this point, as much as I love my kids, I would be fine never seeing them again, if I will never have to fight the same fight again with my wife.

Last week, my wife left the country to visit her mom, who is going through cancer treatment, and she will be back tomorrow. Our kids had no school, so I took the week off to take care of them, spend time with my kids. What I just realized, is that I didn't really miss my wife for the last week. I wonder if I have just fallen out of love with her, after years of fights around same issues. I am pretty sure a lot of "respect" that I had for her is lost...

I will say that I am being very selfish, to entertain these ideas even at the cost of our children's hardship. I consider myself "enlightened", and to that extent I know that none of all this will matter in hundred years. My children will eventually die, and so their grandchildren, and so on. Given my limited life, I want to enjoy a little. I have spent last 12 years working my butt off, mostly to make more money year-after-year (which I have been succeeding) to support my family. I no longer have any hobbies, and I don't enjoy anything. I feel I need a major change in my life, for me to re-discover myself.

So I guess what I'm asking you all is this: Am I just having a "mid-life crisis", or have I really lost the love I had for my wife? If latter, do you think it's worth salvaging, or are we just delaying the inevitable (divorce)? Because what I think I need in this life, is a wife who 1) has her **** together, get stuff organized, especially her time, our finances, 2) wanting to have sex with me more often (until I can't!), 3) take interest in planning our retirement with me, and 4) restores "hope" in me.

In my wife's defense, I will say that I am not the easiest person to live with. I do exhibit some degree of OCD, I ask rationale for everything (not out of malice, however), and I am needy (i.e. I want to feel loved, over "duty"). I also have a lot of anger and rage at times, and I am extremely stubborn (and annoyingly right a lot).

FYI, while my wife has suggested us seeing a marriage counselor in the past, but I had refused as 1) MC will tell us the same thing that I already know, and 2) what makes a MC qualified to advise us? If you guys think that seeing a MC is still a good idea, please enlighten me as to what you've learned.

Thank you in advance for your perspectives, especially from women folks.

romeo is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 04:52 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 2,587
Re: Burnt out, hopeless, thinking of leaving everything behind

I think you have to sit down with your wife and explain that you are burnt out and that in order to be able to manage for the future, you all have to alter your life styles, keeping up with the Jones has led to this scenario.
She has a PhD so should be able to understand a spreadsheet and budgeting.
You are living beyond your means and need to get that in check, it is doable if you both plan and stick to the plan. The stress of long hours and being overstretched financially is a double whammy. YOu are 45 and need to be planning for the future.

Sit together and make a plan for the future.
Why did you have so many kids, by choice or?
Why must they go to expensive schools,
talk through all the things that is in your expenses, if she will not work, then have to cut back.
The reality is, you could drop dead with a heart attack due to the stress, then what?
This has to be clear to her/family.
aine is offline  
post #3 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 06:32 AM
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,102
Cool Re: Burnt out, hopeless, thinking of leaving everything behind

Google "Dave Ramsey" and get a plethora of information regarding family budgeting issues!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
arbitrator is offline  
 
post #4 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 01:12 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 5
Re: Burnt out, hopeless, thinking of leaving everything behind

Thanks for your replies so far.

We ended up with 4 children as we were going for a girl as #3; we ended up getting twins - a boy & a girl. Since then I had vasectomy so we're done there.

I see you are seeing our issue as a mainly financial one. FYI, our most spending is on food and rent. The "things" we buy are of relatively immaterial to our financial challenges, given my level of earning IMO, at about 2%. Regardless, thanks for your advice on budgeting, and yes I realize that would relieve other pressures we have in life. BTW, I recently saw a documentary called "The Minimalist", which I would highly recommend to others who are having money issues.

To me, the bigger issue is my wife not having the empathy toward me, wanting to help me, for sake of my (mental) well-being. The deeper issue seem to be around her not having the confidence and willing to take on challenges, commit to it, get organized, and work hard to meet her goals. Her lack of confidence in life is something I didn't see when we got married.

What is most frustrating for me, is that she is more than capable of succeeding at whatever she wants to do, and she has all the tools she needs to get organized. Ideally, she would plan things out on spreadsheets, and use her calendar to organize her daily tasks, even for doing mundane stuff like reminders to do laundries. She just doesn't. She would try for a week, but then she would never follow up, let things slip. She would make excuses and she's always "tired" for not following up.

I guess what I am looking for is a competent life-partner, who can help me in life. I also tried to sympathize with her with the fact that we have 4 little children, who can be handful. But I have been also advocating her to get a job, so she can take a break from all the kids craziness, and frankly I think having a more adult interactions would bring more satisfaction to her life and confidence. But she insists on having an an "at home business", which to me will not help her.

By uprooting our family and moving to another country, with significant changes to our lifestyle, I am hoping that it will be an enough of a "shock" for her to get her moving. i.e. to put her in "survival mode".

To be honest, for many years I thought her "plan" was to retire on her parents wealth. But based on a conversation she had with her parents last year, that doesn't seem realistic either; and I think she realized for the first time too. I have also brought up that I cannot love her unconditionally, as I want something in return; her willingness to work hard. In addition I told her that my decision to retire will be made for me by my employer, and I won't be about to work forever. FYI I do have a $1M life insurance for another 20 years or so, which wouldn't be sufficient for maintaining our current lifestyle in this area. She will have to move, but that's not really my concern as I'm dead.

In a way, one can argue I am being petty here. We don't have other "big" problems in our marriage like spouses who are abusing each other with malice, or having substance issues or extramarital affairs, etc. But to me, my marriage is just not living up to what I expected, and it's just too much for me. I just wish that she would do things to take pressure off my life, not add to it. So, in theory, having to live in Canada would eliminate the need for me to work so hard, because a lot is provided by the government... and I am hoping that would improve my relationship with my wife. I feel bad for my kids as they witness a lot of fighting between us; it can't be good for their mental health.

I really appreciate your feedback. I need a reality-check as to whether I am the one being unreasonable here; perhaps this is just a norm for any marriage and all these issues are self-inflicted on my part, by having unrealistic expectations. Thanks.
romeo is offline  
post #5 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 03:18 PM
Moderator
 
lifeistooshort's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,360
Re: Burnt out, hopeless, thinking of leaving everything behind

Go to marriage counseling. A good counselor might be able to explain to her that you thought you were marrying a financial partner and she backed out of that.

How much will you share in the kids and home responsibilities if she gets a job? I mean, clearly you don't cook if you're eating out every night.

Will you be an equal home partner?

And abandoning your kids is bad enough, but to do it without even having tried counseling is beyond selfish. Sure you know the issues, at leasr from your perspective but. a counselor might help your wife understand, and you might learn better ways to deal with your own issues you admit to as well as how your wife views things.

You never know what you might learn.
lifeistooshort is online now  
post #6 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 04:44 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Emerging Buddhist's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: World-wide
Posts: 1,248
Re: Burnt out, hopeless, thinking of leaving everything behind

I do not know if you are in technology field, but being in the valley my first thoughts were GIGO my friend... I was in mainframe repair in the 1980's and had many friends who were codies and this was a common reflection on life.

The inputs into your life are as lines of code... not even the best compiler can fix bad code, all it does is show you where the change needs to occur and as in life, our masterpath has to be fixed manually because autodetection is without focus on such unmindfulness.

Some lines can be adjusted and of benefit... others simply need to be removed.

The lines that bring us happiness compile best... and sometimes fewer lines we have the better the program runs.

What lines bring your wife happiness?

I won't pretend to know what a molecular biologist does, much less with a doctorate, but "best" is relatively misplaced if it is pride based, thus missing mindful happiness layered with it.

Understand those lines in your application for better clarity in your compiler.

I humbly disagree that you do not have big problems... you stated you question your respect for your wife in that a lot has "been lost".

Perhaps these mirror your disappointments... reflections are often projected on others when we are not sure how to accept our own.

Until you get "overwhelmed" replaced with calm... something will always flop instead of flip.

Code that leaves you frustrated to the level you are... hurts you.

Focus on the self-love, self-respect, self-worth code that doesn't.

Then seed that confidence into your marriage and perhaps her watching the mindful gardener in you will will help her identify the environmental organisms that are polluting your acceptances in your relationship with a more focused precision and allow her to witness the behaviors without the microscope (clarity doesn't come with just seeing it, understanding and changing actions complete the sample).

ETA: I spent a day in Cupertino once on Infinite Loop in the late 90's... it was an amazing day and met several very influential engineers. As we had dinner, the conversations drifted to family and only one had children, the rest said it was not in their best interest to do so as it was hard enough in the valley to maintain a marriage, much less a family. I asked them if they were happy and they said the money was great and I decided not to pursue it at the time but wonder how such an answer would be shared today or if it was simply an insight into what was to become as we have traded mindfulness for stress (money).

Thank you for allowing me to meander a bit... you had a lot to say!
Emerging Buddhist is online now  
post #7 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 07:29 PM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 1,886
Re: Burnt out, hopeless, thinking of leaving everything behind

Quote:
Originally Posted by Emerging Buddhist View Post
I do not know if you are in technology field, but being in the valley my first thoughts were GIGO my friend... I was in mainframe repair in the 1980's and had many friends who were codies and this was a common reflection on life.

The inputs into your life are as lines of code... not even the best compiler can fix bad code, all it does is show you where the change needs to occur and as in life, our masterpath has to be fixed manually because autodetection is without focus on such unmindfulness.

Some lines can be adjusted and of benefit... others simply need to be removed.

The lines that bring us happiness compile best... and sometimes fewer lines we have the better the program runs.

What lines bring your wife happiness?

I won't pretend to know what a molecular biologist does, much less with a doctorate, but "best" is relatively misplaced if it is pride based, thus missing mindful happiness layered with it.

Understand those lines in your application for better clarity in your compiler.

I humbly disagree that you do not have big problems... you stated you question your respect for your wife in that a lot has "been lost".

Perhaps these mirror your disappointments... reflections are often projected on others when we are not sure how to accept our own.

Until you get "overwhelmed" replaced with calm... something will always flop instead of flip.

Code that leaves you frustrated to the level you are... hurts you.

Focus on the self-love, self-respect, self-worth code that doesn't.

Then seed that confidence into your marriage and perhaps her watching the mindful gardener in you will will help her identify the environmental organisms that are polluting your acceptances in your relationship with a more focused precision and allow her to witness the behaviors without the microscope (clarity doesn't come with just seeing it, understanding and changing actions complete the sample).

ETA: I spent a day in Cupertino once on Infinite Loop in the late 90's... it was an amazing day and met several very influential engineers. As we had dinner, the conversations drifted to family and only one had children, the rest said it was not in their best interest to do so as it was hard enough in the valley to maintain a marriage, much less a family. I asked them if they were happy and they said the money was great and I decided not to pursue it at the time but wonder how such an answer would be shared today or if it was simply an insight into what was to become as we have traded mindfulness for stress (money).

Thank you for allowing me to meander a bit... you had a lot to say!
I see the Rise of the Machines in your writing....careful, Wheel borne Man!

Alas, poor YORICK ANSI C.....the mindful Gardener hath unearthed thy skull.

I knew him well, Horatio! He had his Sun conjuct the Rascal Mars. No shame knew he. His Great Grandfather ABEL, had Advanced on the Booleans Expressive romaine Language and razed Cupertino by invoking the Clear Clarion Call.....it's walls crumbled...

global_start....._start.....msg db 'Save Romeo'. The original Romeo had perished. The code writer was inept. A bumbling scribe, he.

Now, the ghost of Romeo must attempt to save his forward lofted filus... the genetic namesake "romeo of San Francisco".
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ............................................

When an airplane is going down, loses atmospheric cabin pressure, the oxygen masks drop down from the airborne "Helios". You are instructed to put on your own mask first, so that you can then save others.

O' @romeo put your mask on, first. Go to Canada, save yourself, put yourself in good financial shape. Then EXFIL your children from San Freako Sisco. Bring the slow moving, unloving wife...or replace her with a Abenaki beauty with a large heart and chest. Recharge yourself at Old Crow Flats, as did many generation of Canadians, before you.

Do not abandon them "Chirren". To do so, will instill [in them] a hate for their PAPA. They will be majors, in short time. You will need their smiling faces, and loyal backing.. they be not FOAF's. They are your blood.

The original Romeo commuted suicide in error. His perceived 'Juliet' loss, hath indeed collapsed his will. He was hasty. He did not think things through, as he lived in the moment. He had not an eye, peering at next years promise.

Do not run in haste. Carefully plan your Resurrection in the Northern Land. Save yourself, save your children.

Good Luck, Canuck!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is offline  
post #8 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-25-2017, 07:47 PM
Member
 
brooklynAnn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 1,247
Re: Burnt out, hopeless, thinking of leaving everything behind

Seems like you are way over your head here. Leaving your wife and kids behind is not the answer. Do really want to be the kind of man who abandon his young kids?

Please know that what you are feeling is normal for what you are experiencing. You are just over come with feelings of not getting ahead.

I would advice you have a discussion with your wife and explain to her how you feel. She will get emotional but you are going to have to get her to understand that she needs to listen and understand what you are going thru. Because if she does not and you can't get her to help you, then, you will be asking for a separation.

Figure out if living and working in Canada will more feasible than staying here. Sit down and make a firm plan. Discuss this with family over in Canada because you are going to need some help relocating the family if it comes to that.

You main problem is that you are living like the Jones while you earn like the Smiths. You have a wife who is living in her own world of make believe. Why does a SAHM needs a cleaner when she is home all day? Why do you guys need to eat out so often in the week? Why is she do disengage when the kids are at home?

You see you have more issues than just money. You have a wife who is living the kind of life she wants.

Sit down and write everything down on paper. Write down your earning and expenditure. Show it to her and explain how this cannot continue.

It will also make things manageable when you have a plan and is looking at things more rationally vs emotionally.

Let us know, how things are going.
brooklynAnn is offline  
post #9 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 02:51 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Emerging Buddhist's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: World-wide
Posts: 1,248
Re: Burnt out, hopeless, thinking of leaving everything behind

Stop ...doing the things that are hurting you.
Clear ...one's mind, let meditation do it's work.
Load ...one over-clocking of self-love, self-respect, self-worth.
Ready ....the hard lessons you have learned and get up again to try, live, and dream without walls.
Execute ...allowing life to make you better rather than bitter.

then...

Ready ...the prime purpose in life.
Execute ...your map to happiness and follow it.

The Honeywell Level 6 Model 60 way...
Emerging Buddhist is online now  
post #10 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 09:17 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 5
Re: Burnt out, hopeless, thinking of leaving everything behind

Thanks everyone for sharing your perspectives.

I may have been discounting the stress caused by having to live in Silicon Valley with such big family. Thanks for pointing that out. I also agree I should not divorce in haste, especially when young children are involved.

For now I will focus on moving my family to Canada in July (until kids finish their school year). Once there, I will seek MC with my wife. I will provide an update to you then.

Again, thank everyone for taking your time sharing your thoughts.

romeo is offline  
post #11 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 09:44 AM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 1,886
Re: Burnt out, hopeless, thinking of leaving everything behind

Quote:
Originally Posted by romeo View Post
Thanks everyone for sharing your perspectives.

I may have been discounting the stress caused by having to live in Silicon Valley with such big family. Thanks for pointing that out. I also agree I should not divorce in haste, especially when young children are involved.

For now I will focus on moving my family to Canada in July (until kids finish their school year). Once there, I will seek MC with my wife. I will provide an update to you then.

Again, thank everyone for taking your time sharing your thoughts.
Thanks.

Some of us will be here. I will be "there".

Fishing in upper Ontario. Catching toothy Pikers, Bass-assward lunkers.

My eyes Wall eyed off from everyday chaos.

And I will enjoy the hoots and the calming silence with my brethren Loons.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is offline  
post #12 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 10:06 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,456
Re: Burnt out, hopeless, thinking of leaving everything behind

Quote:
Originally Posted by romeo View Post
Thanks for your replies so far.

We ended up with 4 children as we were going for a girl as #3; we ended up getting twins - a boy & a girl. Since then I had vasectomy so we're done there.

I see you are seeing our issue as a mainly financial one. FYI, our most spending is on food and rent. The "things" we buy are of relatively immaterial to our financial challenges, given my level of earning IMO, at about 2%. Regardless, thanks for your advice on budgeting, and yes I realize that would relieve other pressures we have in life. BTW, I recently saw a documentary called "The Minimalist", which I would highly recommend to others who are having money issues.

To me, the bigger issue is my wife not having the empathy toward me, wanting to help me, for sake of my (mental) well-being. The deeper issue seem to be around her not having the confidence and willing to take on challenges, commit to it, get organized, and work hard to meet her goals. Her lack of confidence in life is something I didn't see when we got married.

What is most frustrating for me, is that she is more than capable of succeeding at whatever she wants to do, and she has all the tools she needs to get organized. Ideally, she would plan things out on spreadsheets, and use her calendar to organize her daily tasks, even for doing mundane stuff like reminders to do laundries. She just doesn't. She would try for a week, but then she would never follow up, let things slip. She would make excuses and she's always "tired" for not following up.

I guess what I am looking for is a competent life-partner, who can help me in life. I also tried to sympathize with her with the fact that we have 4 little children, who can be handful. But I have been also advocating her to get a job, so she can take a break from all the kids craziness, and frankly I think having a more adult interactions would bring more satisfaction to her life and confidence. But she insists on having an an "at home business", which to me will not help her.

By uprooting our family and moving to another country, with significant changes to our lifestyle, I am hoping that it will be an enough of a "shock" for her to get her moving. i.e. to put her in "survival mode".

To be honest, for many years I thought her "plan" was to retire on her parents wealth. But based on a conversation she had with her parents last year, that doesn't seem realistic either; and I think she realized for the first time too. I have also brought up that I cannot love her unconditionally, as I want something in return; her willingness to work hard. In addition I told her that my decision to retire will be made for me by my employer, and I won't be about to work forever. FYI I do have a $1M life insurance for another 20 years or so, which wouldn't be sufficient for maintaining our current lifestyle in this area. She will have to move, but that's not really my concern as I'm dead.

In a way, one can argue I am being petty here. We don't have other "big" problems in our marriage like spouses who are abusing each other with malice, or having substance issues or extramarital affairs, etc. But to me, my marriage is just not living up to what I expected, and it's just too much for me. I just wish that she would do things to take pressure off my life, not add to it. So, in theory, having to live in Canada would eliminate the need for me to work so hard, because a lot is provided by the government... and I am hoping that would improve my relationship with my wife. I feel bad for my kids as they witness a lot of fighting between us; it can't be good for their mental health.

I really appreciate your feedback. I need a reality-check as to whether I am the one being unreasonable here; perhaps this is just a norm for any marriage and all these issues are self-inflicted on my part, by having unrealistic expectations. Thanks.
The problem is not money. The problem is that you have trained her to sit on her butt and not do a damn thing while you go bust your arse making a lot of money for which you have nothing to show.

Here's my suggestion:
Go see an attorney and file for divorce, have her served.
Explain to her that she either gets a job and contributes something to the marriage, or you will not be married to her anymore.

Your comments about leaving your kids forever?
You are either a total ass, or you are so screwed up in the head from constant stress, that you don't know what you're saying.

You need to realize that you have allowed your life to get to this, by giving your wife no consequences for being just flat out lazy and irresponsible.

Change that crap. And if your wife decides she'd rather have a divorce than get off her butt and contribute something to the marriage--- you have your answer in what to do. I'd give her a month to find some kind of full time job, no matter what the pay.

Your wife didn't want to stay home and be a great mom, she wanted to sit on her rear. And the lack of effort in running the home, and letting the kids do whatever, it shows that.

Don't run from your problems. Solve them. If she won't help you, then you can leave knowing it wasn't your fault.
Evinrude58 is online now  
post #13 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 10:55 AM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 1,886
Re: Burnt out, hopeless, thinking of leaving everything behind

Here is another perspective.

Your wife was a "very" high achiever. I suspect she was driven to perform from an early age.

It took everything out or her. All her time and energy went into her long journey toward success.

Once she graduated, she collapsed into a lump of flesh. She is burned out.

This is a not-so-uncommon reality in high achievers. I have seen this happen...up close.

This fact, if true, is not going to help repair your situation, but it will take the sting out of the beehive life that you live in.

Her successful professional life ended being a brilliant "flash in the pan". Short lived fame. No long term staying power, ensued.

Her mind just................let go. A nervous breakdown in slow motion.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is offline  
post #14 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 09:54 PM
Forum Supporter
 
3Xnocharm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 5,779
Re: Burnt out, hopeless, thinking of leaving everything behind

Your wife is a lazy, entitled leech. She isnt a partner. Your kids are in school, she needs to get a real job, because clearly the crap she is doing from home is not making any kind of real contribution. You should not need a cleaning lady or to eat out every single day. Evinrude is right, YOU allowed this to happen. Time to take back some control. It does sound like you need to move to a more affordable area. Its unreal to me that you have a 3-4 hour daily commute, when you are paying out your ass to live in the location you do. Can you not find something closer to work for the same amount or less? Maybe moving to Canada will light a fire under her butt...whether to start contributing, or to end it with you. Time to budget, for sure, and I do think you two could benefit from counseling. Fire the cleaning lady and hire a marriage counselor.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
3Xnocharm is online now  
post #15 of 24 (permalink) Old 02-28-2017, 12:28 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Tampa area
Posts: 2,384
Re: Burnt out, hopeless, thinking of leaving everything behind

You are about to become a WAH a first for here I believe. There have been more then a few WAW (walk away wife) posted about by there husbands though. At first most poster will closely question is there is an OM (other man) either a EA or a PA (emotional or physical) which is the norm and is classified as an exit affair. So which are you?

Second forget MC, start with IC and get perspective. Hey, sometimes it is you not them. Two popular books, both with long staying power: Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages® and His needs...Her needs". Others wise do what our fathers did, our grandfathers did, etc. Suck it up and settle into a quiet life of dispair.

So start with these suggestions first and later we can start checking phone bills, browser history Standard Evidence Post, 180, red flags. For know just ciean up your side of the street and get centered.

But first things first read the two book suggestions, which you will need regardless.

How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
JohnA is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife is leaving me.. A49erfan Going Through Divorce or Separation 30 06-03-2016 07:18 AM
Leaving and the stigma Sammiejo General Relationship Discussion 15 02-27-2016 12:38 PM
Advice needed for leaving a situation I'm stuck in Mattlovescats Going Through Divorce or Separation 2 01-01-2016 04:07 PM
Feeling hopeless Wife22 Considering Divorce or Separation 2 12-11-2015 03:51 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome