I Love Her, But I'm Not Happy - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 10:10 AM Thread Starter
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I Love Her, But I'm Not Happy

Hello all. I'm not the forum type but I really needed a non-family, non-friend point of view on this.

A little background on my situation. My wife and I met during my senior year in high school, her sophomore year. We instantly fell for each other upon meeting each other. We did not spend as much time together as we should have during our dating phase, but only because we always seemed to find ourselves apart due to me being in college the following year. I dropped out after my freshman year, we had a very good and passionate summer together, and she got pregnant as a senior in high school. We were married a week after our son was born (I was 19, she was 18), and we moved to Oklahoma, then West Virginia, and are about to go back to our hometown in North Carolina.

At first, things were good in the marriage. Overtime, a lot of things changed. We found that we could not be honest with each other without hurting one another. We have two different senses of humor. I am a passionate, outgoing person who loves to have fun and keep things fresh. She is more laid back and reserved. I have a very strong sex drive, and she definitely does not. We both get easily annoyed with each other, and we find that it is getting harder and harder to get along with each other. The only things we both have in common are that we both work decent jobs full time (I am a retail department manager and she is a daycare assistant) and our undying love for our son.

Over the last two years (we will reach 4 years in July) I just feel so unfulfilled. We argue on an almost daily basis, and they are hardly ever about anything substantial. We both have long days at work, and then we get home and stress each other out more. We fight over chores (I do most of them because she would rather watch tv than help maintain a clean house). We both grew unhealthy and out of shape, but while I have decided to place more of an emphasis on health and physical maintenance, she does not participate in my goals for healthy eating and exercise which makes it harder for me to maintain my own health. My sexual desires have been largely unmet. We are not very affectionate with each other. We are very loyal to each other, however.

I have brought up my unhappiness before. We try to negotiate, but it never pans out. I have suggested professional help, but she really has no desire to seek help. She always says "I don't complain, you shouldn't either." Honestly, if it is just going to continue like this I think I would rather head in a difference direction, even if it means doing it by myself. I am not placing all of the blame on her. Marriage takes two people. But we can never seem to find mutually beneficial solutions to our problems, and I grow weary of the same cycle of arguing, then being mad at her, then being mad at myself, then ignoring the problem, then doing it all over again. Am I wrong for considering divorce?

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 10:26 AM
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Re: I Love Her, But I'm Not Happy

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I grow weary of the same cycle of arguing, then being mad at her, then being mad at myself, then ignoring the problem, then doing it all over again. Am I wrong for considering divorce?
You married young.

Some of the posters here will recommend some self help books. Buy them, both of you need to read them. Marriage Counseling might help, but if she is not willing to go...well, what does that leave?

I would level with her. Ask her if she would be happier on her own. Does she want to start her life...over.

She seems passive. And closed off to you. Her problem is YOU. Are you the MAIN problem here?

Separation may be what is best for both of you. You are both young. You can divorce and both of you can be happy with new partners.

No more babies.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-26-2017, 03:24 PM
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Re: I Love Her, But I'm Not Happy

You did marry young, and your primary hurdle will be learning acceptance and patience with another while you remain married and together.

Mature acceptance is that little voice in us that watches someone we love and choose to live with and says "I respect our differences".

The challenge is, you didn't get to practice it much on others and now that task is placed on your relationship.

What is the root of your honesty?

Is such "honesty" driven by pointing out each other's flaws in a "you are not making me happy" game? If so, ask yourself if that is really what honesty is meant to be, or are you making it a tool of your own design to express your disappointments that things simply are not perfect.

You may think and say, "I don't expect perfection", but to say that you are also saying "I accept imperfection" and that is where honesty comes in, for yourself.

It takes two to argue... free yourself from this downward spiral that comes when defensiveness builds these mindful robbing energy suckers that take away from the love and kindness that should be there.

I hear so many things that give hope to your relationship. I know you cannot see them from the hole you feel yourself in but a lot of this is because when we are learning to grow, everything seems so overwhelming to us.

When I was a child, in my grandmother's back yard she had a cinderblock garden wall that retained the elevated garden back from the grass and it was the tallest thing I had ever jumped from. My cousins and I challenged another, time and time again, who was brave enough and when such was met, who was bravest to run and jump the farthest.

In my 30's when my grandmother moved, I walked back to that wall and in wasn't even two feet high. I marveled at my thought of how tall and insurmountable that wall was to me then. After time and growth, that was was no longer not just a challenge, but a marker to how far I had come... not only in physical growth, but in thoughts of how I had learned to overcome at least one fear, with success.

You have wonderful anchors... you love her and I'll bet she you, loyalty and undying love for your son. Now is the time to stop eroding those anchor points by inspiring yourself. Accept that chiseling away with arguments is defeating your calm and look at yourself to what is reasonable, and what is not... can you do that with honesty?

Honesty is sometimes simply realizing we take ourselves way too seriously and confuse values with desires. Does her not keeping a "clean" house to your standard a health and true safety issue, or is it something like pride getting in the way? I've cleaned hundreds of toilets thousands of times in my Army days... I know how to pass an IG inspection hands down, yet my wife is very critical of my toilet cleaning skills. She says I can never reach her standards and I share with her that is probably very true, yet I can get to perhaps 80-90% for my effort and that only leaves her the remaining percentage to complete!

But in the past she would rather be critical instead of see that so much was already done... her eyes cannot see such and she shared she would rather do the whole thing rather than me make my effort. With a smile, that is her choice... I will still do my weekly touch up to keep the "ick" to a reasonable level and I am happy where I leave it. I could let her criticism of my standards wear me down (and have in the past) but instead use different tools understanding my happiness is not directed by her, it comes from my own satisfaction.

That I can't get that last 10% is her problem, not mine.

One can feel a little emotionally beat up by all this... her words of "I don't complain, you shouldn't either." may speak of a desire of acceptance that is possibly misunderstood by you both.

Unless you can practice it, you will never be good in it.

"I'd like us to learn to communicate better and I think these skills will help our love grow the way it needs to " is much kinder than "we need counseling".

Does it have the same goal? Absolutely... but one is formed in encouragement, cooperation, and confidence... an invitation so to speak. The other sounds directing, pointed, and self-doubting.

Which would you prefer to be presented with when there is honesty in both?
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 01:22 AM
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Re: I Love Her, But I'm Not Happy

Insist on MC, tell her wife, we are in a bad place, this will not end well, if you have no desire to make things better then it is better we are apart, your choice.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 02:16 AM
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Re: I Love Her, But I'm Not Happy

You and your wife need to step back and rebuild your relationship. Get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" (see links in my signature block below) ... you both need to read them and do the work together that they say to do.

Another book that can go a long way to helping the two of you is:

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel

If the two of you want to fix this, it can be fixed.

You say that the two of you argue all the time. Why? It takes two to argue. So just stop doing it. If you stop it, there will be no arguing. Just tell her that you will only talk to her about tough subjects when the two of you can speak in a calm manner. I really is as easy as that.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 03:04 AM
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Re: I Love Her, But I'm Not Happy

When people marry at a very young age, divorce is very very high. Immature. No fault of either of you. That puts you at about 23 (her 22).. right? Human brain development is mature at about 25.

You both were different people in your teen years vs. today. Think about it... if you didn't have a kid with her, would you have married her? She, you?

Marriage Counseling (MC) is a major requirement to save your marriage... and is something you both have to agree to do. Hell, when was the last time you both went out on a date night? No kid, just two young 20-somethings going out. You both have total lack of communications, off-balanced sex (she is likely NOT feeling much love for you either), mix signals from you to stay in the marriage, not much interest from her.

What sucks is that you have a 3 year old who will have a broken family, but the daily arguments are NOT HEALTHY for a child. Better to have co-parenting that doesn't have arguments.

So decide... do you want to stay married to her? Do you see yourself being with her 10year or 20 years from now?
If YES to both, then that is half the requirement.
You'll need to ask those questions to her. You may get a Yes and no to those two questions.
Then a good MC will be a requirement to determine if you both can LEARN to communicate and fall in love with each other. You both should know which direction itss going after 2~4 sessions.
Then go with books as well.

Also, have to talk about sexual needs... If you are not happy in the bedroom, your marriage is doomed.

You can't save the marriage by yourself. Both of you can also talk to your parents for advice.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 04:14 PM
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Re: I Love Her, But I'm Not Happy

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Originally Posted by ghost_777 View Post
Hello all. I'm not the forum type but I really needed a non-family, non-friend point of view on this.

A little background on my situation. My wife and I met during my senior year in high school, her sophomore year. We instantly fell for each other upon meeting each other. We did not spend as much time together as we should have during our dating phase, but only because we always seemed to find ourselves apart due to me being in college the following year. I dropped out after my freshman year, we had a very good and passionate summer together, and she got pregnant as a senior in high school. We were married a week after our son was born (I was 19, she was 18), and we moved to Oklahoma, then West Virginia, and are about to go back to our hometown in North Carolina.

At first, things were good in the marriage. Overtime, a lot of things changed. We found that we could not be honest with each other without hurting one another. We have two different senses of humor. I am a passionate, outgoing person who loves to have fun and keep things fresh. She is more laid back and reserved. I have a very strong sex drive, and she definitely does not. We both get easily annoyed with each other, and we find that it is getting harder and harder to get along with each other. The only things we both have in common are that we both work decent jobs full time (I am a retail department manager and she is a daycare assistant) and our undying love for our son.

Over the last two years (we will reach 4 years in July) I just feel so unfulfilled. We argue on an almost daily basis, and they are hardly ever about anything substantial. We both have long days at work, and then we get home and stress each other out more. We fight over chores (I do most of them because she would rather watch tv than help maintain a clean house). We both grew unhealthy and out of shape, but while I have decided to place more of an emphasis on health and physical maintenance, she does not participate in my goals for healthy eating and exercise which makes it harder for me to maintain my own health. My sexual desires have been largely unmet. We are not very affectionate with each other. We are very loyal to each other, however.

I have brought up my unhappiness before. We try to negotiate, but it never pans out. I have suggested professional help, but she really has no desire to seek help. She always says "I don't complain, you shouldn't either." Honestly, if it is just going to continue like this I think I would rather head in a difference direction, even if it means doing it by myself. I am not placing all of the blame on her. Marriage takes two people. But we can never seem to find mutually beneficial solutions to our problems, and I grow weary of the same cycle of arguing, then being mad at her, then being mad at myself, then ignoring the problem, then doing it all over again. Am I wrong for considering divorce?
Oh God, you poor things.

Pretty much doomed from your description above. Of course a lot depends on circumstances.

01. Family backgrounds?

You each have parents..... what is their track record? If you didn't have good marriage examples during your respective childhoods how are you ever going to know what it takes to be a couple?

02. Why all the moving around? No chance of developing face to face support networks.

03. What do you each want to be when you grow up? No offense but a job that is not rewarding in it's own right is just another nail in the coffin. You have to feel good about some part of your day, some part of your life. Putting that responsibility on your child is simply not fair and won't work. You have to make him/her feel good about his life. Very hard to do even if everything is hitting on all 8 cylinders.

04. You are not unique. People all over the world find themselves in your described predicament all of the time. It's just a matter of degrees. Some make it, some don't. You get to decide which group you fall into.

05. If you don't figure it out now, will you just repeat this over and over? Could be. Emotional maturity is needed for both of you.

06. If your parents don't provide your support safety net then it is harder to make mistakes. Young people make plenty of them but the resiliency of youth also is a saving grace.

07. The journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step. Your next step is up to the both of you. Talk about it with her.

08. Is money a problem?

09. You mention body image. How does she look? You still attracted to her?

10. There is so much growing up to do at your age even though you have started adult life. You have to have fun and so does she. No fun then there really no point to life in my opinion. Fun kind of sets a counter balance to the hard stuff that seems to come along at the most inopportune times and constantly too.

11. I watched myself grow up. I watched my 3 sons grow into men, marry and begin families of their own. Anybody can do it with a little help. Ask for help when you need it.

12. Basic rules: don't be a schmuck. Don't be selfish. Don't be jealous. Don't give her a reason to be jealous. Be honest. Be a lover. Make yourself so great you are irresistible to her. It has to do with confidence and a desire to learn to be the best person you can be. Don't stop learning. Be affectionate to her. Kiss and cuddle whenever you can. Buy presents so she knows you are thinking of her. Even the smallest gifts will be well received by someone that really loves you. Praise is free to give. Compliments work well and cost nothing. Whispered suggestions in a woman's ear work wonders.

Relationships go bad a little bit at a time. One day you find that you are no longer on the same page as her. One day you are reading different books. That won't happen if you are interested in everything she does, everything she says and even her thoughts which she never reveals to anyone. Be her confidant.



Good luck.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 05:30 PM
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Re: I Love Her, But I'm Not Happy

Despite what some others have said here, you need to face the fact that you jumped the gun and got married way too soon. Neither of you were mature enough to make such a decision. You both have 50 to 60 years of life left in you. You truly need to decide what will make you happy. So despite what others say, I would advise you to be selfish. It is your life and yours alone. No one else can live it for you. No one else can make you happy either. If this woman is not causing you happiness, you need to decide what is best for you. In doing so you will also be allowing her to decide what is best for her and you will be giving your child a better life. Despite what some say, your child is going to learn about life from you. So staying together "for the sake of the kids" is going to teach them a horrible lesson. They are going to grow up thinking being miserable is what life is all about. So, if your wife is unwilling to make a change for the better, you need to make one for yourself. Perhaps your marriage can be saved, perhaps not. Either way you need to be prepared for whichever it is.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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