I am having a lot of trouble lately with my marriage. My husband and I met in 2014 and we will have been married 1 year tomorrow. Happy anniversary, right? Our biggest problem stems from having very different values. He is a workaholic. His job is his #1. Money is his #2. He is his #3...you get the gist. He doesn't believe he should be responsible for doing anything outside of work and making money. However, he also doesn't believe he should provide. He refuses to share finances. We have a joint account just for our mortgage and utilities. Otherwise we are financially independent of one another. However, he makes over $20,000 more than I do a year-- so that can sometimes be tough splitting everything 50/50. And, yeah-- I am expected to contribute 50% of the bills, while maintaining 100% of the house and property. We live on 11 acres which I single-handedly maintain, in addition to our home, vehicles, getting gifts on family holidays, etc.
It sounds like a nightmare, right? When I married him, he was very insecure and I figured (ignorantly so) that he just needed the commitment from me to really feel safe in our relationship. He was VERY adamant we had to be married. Now it seems that was only to be able to have actual authority over me. We have been to two marriage therapists. In fact, we saw one BEFORE we got married. They identified his insecurities, he cried in many sessions, and I felt bad. Also, a week after we got married he was having a major surgery on his spine and he told me he couldn't go on that table without me being his wife. It SEEMED romantic at the time. But since then we just go round-and-round in circles.
I am very unhappy. I am exhausted. And, I'll admit-- after a year of this, I am feeling pretty darn depressed. I have started seeing my own therapist just to deal with all of this. And now my husband has zeroed in on that. He tells me I need to take medications to be happy. That I am the common denominator in my own unhappiness. That I don't open up to him. Communicate. That I expect too much. That I am incapable of happiness. Which, honestly, felt like a slap in the face.
The few times he has agreed to be responsible for something (when I literally couldn't handle it all), he forgets about it. Or he says "Well, you just said you wanted it done, you didn't say WHEN...so I figured I'd just get around to it when I can". Which usually is weeks and weeks and requires me to remind him, which-- I hate to do. Our therapist suggested he take on a few very simple responsibilities to show he is an active participant. And really honed in on the fact that these were MORE than just chores-- it was him showing he could support me when I needed him. Well, that lasted maybe 2-3 weeks. It was things like 'take out the trash' and 'do a load of dishes'. Tasks he agreed to and said were fair.
But now he can't even do those. He tells me its not his fault, he just forgets. So he set reminders on his phone. He set THREE reminders. And he still 'forgets'. Which if he admitted he just didn't want to do them, it would be less insulting because at least I wouldn't expect them to be done.
So we are back to square one. He now refuses to see the therapist because she no longer accepts our insurance and he won't pay out of pocket for the sessions which he says are "pointless anyway".
I REALLY REALLY loathe the idea of separating but I am not sure what else I can do. And with his constant degradation of me and telling me I am 'sick' and 'crazy', I am starting to believe it. I am scared to death of leaving-- because he's threatened to commit me if I go. He is totally tripping on power. He is in law enforcement so I seriously question how far he can go in his threats to commit me or put me in jail if I try to leave.
I feel safe right now- because I am appeasing him. If I just pretend everything is fine, keep my mouth shut, pay the bills and take care of the home-- he doesn't bother me. But that is obviously exhausting.
COOKIES if you read all that. I am at my last straw. My parents have offered to help but they won't be able to until this June. And that seems SO FAR AWAY.
Need your honest input on this.