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Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:38 PM Thread Starter
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lost.

hello, I have been married for 11 years. let me start with a little bit of me I went trough a situation at a young age and grew up in a marriage where things where always bad. so I have an issue with trust but I have tried and my husband and I had worked things out and went trough a lot of situations together. after five years of marriage he decided he was not happy and not in love with me no more so he left, that same night he slept with a girl he had been talking to for sometime before he left me. he came home and told me he had cheated the next day. we separated for a couple of months and then decided to work things out for us and for my son who was 1 year old at the time. we went to counseling for five years and it helped. we had been doing good he had been very supportive trough some surgeries I had to go trough and had been there while I'm going to school. recently he told me he is not attracted to me anymore that I have gained weight and he feels like it will be an issue and he worries that in some years I will end up looking like my mom who is overweight. I was really hurt and told him I did not want to be with someone who is just with me because I'm the mother of his kids and because he feels like he has too because he made a promise to be with me for the rest of our lives. it has been over a month since we talked about our situation and his feelings for me and trough all this time he has been more cold and distant with me things have changed so much and now he told me he is not in love with me anymore, but still does not want to separate because he cares for me. I'm at a point where I just don't know what else to do I don't know how to be with him and be ok with him and I have no idea how to leave and be ok with out him. I guess the reason I joined this group is because I'm at a loss and hope that maybe reading about others stories it might help me decide what I need to do.

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 12:50 PM
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Re: lost.

So sorry you are here. It seems to me that you have given him all the power in this relationship. What would you like for your life without him? Start thinking about what you want, what is in the best interests of your son and where do you see yourself 1/2/5 years from now.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 03:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: lost.

thank you so much for your comment. yes I probably have given him all the power and I have been so dependent of him. I had decided to get back into school and he told me to do it and full time, so I did and now I'm about to get an associates in social work its not much at all but I'm hoping it will give me the opportunity to find some kind of job where I can make it on my own with my son and daughter. I really hate the idea of leaving him and my kids hurting over it, and I still love him so much but I just cant stay in a marriage where its more out of convenience and something he is just used to have. I'm hoping that in a few years this pain will start feeling better, because right now I'm miserable. the longer I stay the worst it feels.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 03:18 PM
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Re: lost.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovelife1313 View Post
thank you so much for your comment. yes I probably have given him all the power and I have been so dependent of him. I had decided to get back into school and he told me to do it and full time, so I did and now I'm about to get an associates in social work its not much at all but I'm hoping it will give me the opportunity to find some kind of job where I can make it on my own with my son and daughter. I really hate the idea of leaving him and my kids hurting over it, and I still love him so much but I just cant stay in a marriage where its more out of convenience and something he is just used to have. I'm hoping that in a few years this pain will start feeling better, because right now I'm miserable. the longer I stay the worst it feels.
When I was a little younger my parents were also having problems because of infidelity. They would argue a lot. I remember one shouting match that started from about 9:00PM and lasted until 5:00AM. I kid you not. Finally, after a lot of false starts they separated. I was actually relieved. The never ending strain in the house was becoming unbearable.

If your marriage is anything like my parents I will venture to say divorce may not be the thing that hurts your children the most. Staying together might. I hate advocating for divorce. But when marriages reach a certain stage I wonder what else can be done.


Godspeed, OP.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.

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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 03:39 PM
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Re: lost.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovelife1313 View Post
thank you so much for your comment. yes I probably have given him all the power and I have been so dependent of him. I had decided to get back into school and he told me to do it and full time, so I did and now I'm about to get an associates in social work its not much at all but I'm hoping it will give me the opportunity to find some kind of job where I can make it on my own with my son and daughter. I really hate the idea of leaving him and my kids hurting over it, and I still love him so much but I just cant stay in a marriage where its more out of convenience and something he is just used to have. I'm hoping that in a few years this pain will start feeling better, because right now I'm miserable. the longer I stay the worst it feels.
Good!

Then go on for your Bachelors Degree. If you can work with just the Associates, do so. Some job in a large hospital. The work history will be good for getting a better job.

Ultimately, you will need a Master in Social Work to make "OK" money. That should be your ultimate aim, say 6-8 years down the road.

You can survive without him. And you can find another man. Take your time. There is no hurry.

Kind and forgiving women like you are so valuable. Believe me, when I tell you this.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 03:57 PM
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Re: lost.

What are you doing for yourself besides the education? Are you working out to lose weight? Are you watching what you eat, maybe with a healthy diet?

As someone has said, it sounds like you handed your power over to him in the marriage. So take it back. I think that's your first step. One of the most important things you can do for that is to start doing what you need to do to get your weight and health to a good point. So let him babysit the kids and you go do what you need to do for yourself.

Doing the above will make you feel more in control of your own life and not a victim.

Then, once you have that going, we can talk with you about the next step.

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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 03-02-2017, 08:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: lost.

Thank all for your words. yes I lived with parents who argued a lot too and my dad was not the best example so I know how bad it can be on my kids. that is why when I try to talk to him I do it when kids go to bed, but honestly we are not even arguing no more at times he acts like we are ok and other times its like I'm not even around him at all we don't really communicate anymore. I am trying to continue with school and hopefully get to my masters I'm sure it wont be easy but I need to do it for my kids. as far as my weight I have been working out for over a year after a partial hysterectomy I went trough a depression because my husband and I still wanted more kids but that is not possible no more. so I started to work out and eat healthy and it helped a lot I started loosing weight and I was very happy with the results had gone from a size 185 to a 145 in maybe 6 months it was great. I ended up having to get my gallbladder removed over 5 months ago and since then I have been having a really hard time I actually went up to 160 in a matter or months and I have been eating ok I cannot eat meat anymore or greasy stuff for sure so I have been trying to loose it still. I know I have to work on my self as well and I do try so I cant actually understand why he feels like I would gain more weight when I'm active most of the time I'm never just home being lazy or anything like that.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:28 AM
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Re: lost.

I am feeling very sad after reading all this, but you seems to be very strong and committed towards your life. I hope you will lose weight and got your masters degree soon. I always hate when i hear about ending relationships and divorce but sometimes there is no choice for the couples.
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