Married after 90 days, now 12 years later big problems
Hello all. I visit here from time to time. I started out in the "affairs" section. I posted there a few times.
I met my wife online, late August 1999. We quickly started emailing each other and late Sept 2009 I flew to her city for a visit. She told me during that visit the following: "Don't sweat it, I know you are going to ask me to marry you and when you do I'm going to say yes". Hey, I'm kinda shy, this kinda got my attention. We did get married on December 4. We still continued to live on opposite coasts (me on west, she on east) during the time before our marriage. Our communication then obviously consisted mostly of phone calls, a bit of email and some instant messaging on AOL.
Before we got married I started to have second thoughts. When I first saw pictures of her I wasn't like "Oh my God, she is so hot", or "Wow, she is really attractive". It was more, "well she's not ugly". I overlooked those thoughts because of her personality. She is VERY outgoing and puts herself out there. I'm very shy and introverted, or at least I have been in the past and certainly was during that time period. It was a few days before our wedding during counseling with the pastor that I had these thoughts. I was starting to wonder why I was there and had fleeting thoughts of calling a cab and catching a flight back home. However I figured this was the "cold feet" I had heard about so often and figured I shouldn't let my bride down. I would feel like such a loser to walk so close to the wedding. I felt by now that I was obligated to make good on my commitment.
After we were married things sort of settled down. We got started building a home (she moved back to my city). The main event that happened after my marriage was that a woman I had dated some years before showed back up in my city. She and I had remained in touch from time to time. I had been VERY attracted to her even though our relationship hadn't worked out when we were dating. I suddenly realized I was missing something with my wife. I had NEVER felt this way with her.
This relationship turned into an emotional affair for me that lasted several years but my fantasy about it got more intense from 2006 - 2010. What is interesting about this woman is that I don't think I would have ever been happy married to her had our relationship developed to that point originally. However, my attraction to her has been intense. My fantasy with her ended in early 2010 when she found a boyfriend and basically didn't have time for our relationship/friendship/whatever. During this time (early 2010) my wife and I were having a BAD few weeks. It ended with me leaving the house with my things. But she managed to talk me back into coming home. This started an almost two year journey that has been a nightmare to be quite frank.
I went to therapy, so did my wife. I finally confronted my shortcomings, learned what an emotional affair was, started to come out of my shell and became more assertive about being honest about my feelings.
My wife has been a vindictive person throughout our marriage, but it only occasionally was directed at me. Over the past year she has become increasingly bitter and angry. Of course she is hurt and sad. The anger she has directed at me has taken a toll on me. I've become apathetic and listless. I used to have some remorse, some guilt, whatever. Not any more.
She is also manipulative. Because she has this whole emotional affair thing to hang around my neck, I feel like I should submit to her manipulation. I've been fairly passive most of my life, trying to avoid conflict. Now I'm less passive. She doesn't like it. I've been reading books about boundaries, learning about my own needs and feelings, etc. She is upset that I am so interested in just defending myself.
There is so much more that has happened in the last 2 years that goes into this story, it is hard to explain it all. Currently I've allowed her to ban me from Facebook, taking my kids to see my parents, seeking help from the therapist who has helped me the most, studying certain topics from the Bible, thrown out pictures I had of my high school years (including photos of school functions with an old girl friend), destroyed my iPhone when she found a text she didn't like (I was discussing my troubles with a friend), among others. Just the other day she accused me of only trying to find new ways to hurt her.
I'm emotionally spent. She's hurt and angry beyond belief, yet she won't get help. She's scratched me and drawn blood, uses the most file and foul language in verbal assaults on me, tells our children things they should never hear (daddy wants to sleep with another in our house, your daddy doesn't love you any more, your daddy wants us to leave) and she has even had my 4 year old tell me on the phone that she hates me.
If there were no kids involved I'd be gone. But I feel like if I leave them with their mother, they will not be properly cared for. But me leaving is easier than trying to kick her out of the house without the kids. She has told me that I will have to have her hauled to jail before she lets me separate her from her kids.
Last fall when I moved out for a while she stalked me and I had to call the police to get her to leave the place where I was staying. I moved back home because I lost my job and couldn't afford to pay for rent/mortgage at two locations. So been back home since late October.
I could go on and on. I could live with her for the kids but she won't let me sleep at night. She crys like a wolf howling at night for 1 to 3 hours at a time. At times she starts yellowing out obscene profanities (our room is across the room from our youngest daughter). It is these nights that she doesn't want me in the room and I sleep in the guest room. But it's right under our bedroom and her crying and screaming either keeps me from sleeping or wakes me up. When I go and try to reason with her and tell her that her right to cry doesn't mean she has a right to keep everyone else in the house up, she then makes it all about me. She reminds me of what I did to her with the EA. She says the kids are sleeping fine. And if I insist I'm concerned about the kids, she then turns it around and reminds me that if I really cared about the health and wellbeing of the kids I wouldn't have been spending time with this other woman instead of being at home with the kids. Well of course she has a point about that. But again I feel like my concerns are being belittled and all that matters is what she is feeling. My needs be damned.
I guess I better stop and see if anyone has any comments or replies. Maybe I'm looking for permission to leave? Maybe I'm looking for something else. Maybe I just feel like I need to empty myself of my feelings in a place where I feel safe, not sure. I will say that I did tell myself recently that if she continued to call me a "f**ker, motherf**ker, f**king piece of s**t, etc", that I would remove myself from the situation and find another place to live. Well after a week or so of relative calm, she started up again recently.