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post #1 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 02:30 AM Thread Starter
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Married to my best friend

Hello. I am seeking advice since i feel that everyone around me is too involved in the situation to have a clear mind about my problems. So i 26 years old and my husband is 29. We've been married for 5 months and together for 7 years. We've always been best friends and funcioned perfectly and honestly, we never fight. And i think i was in love with him. But for the past year or a bit more i have started to loose the romantic love for him. I love him dearly as a friend, as a part of my family, but the romantic feelings were starting to fade. And i tried i tried so hard i even got married since there were still a bit or feelings left. But now i see they are gone. And i see no way of getting them back. So i told him this and he was shocked and surprised. And i have no legit reason to give him. None at all.. he is a perfect as he is.. he worships me, never holds me back, loves me to death. And i like hanging out with him and going on trips with him, but there is no passion, no want for sex. He is my best friend and i am affraid that is all he is. He would like me to tell him what to do to save our marriage but i cant even give him an answer. Because he is doing nothing wrong. I am so devestated to see him devestated.. and i am most affraid he will not talk to me again. So i even said i'd go to counceling with him (telling him not to expect a different outcome) just to make him accept this less painfully. Whenever he pleads with me to try i tell him i dont see how it could be different and when he says he's going to wait for me i tell him not to, but i feel broken seeing him broken. Am i doing the right thing? Do you honestly think the romantic feeling could come back? I would love to give him a list of things to change, but there just isn't anything. I feel like we dont have a healthy relationship since i am the center of his universe all the time and i want for me someone to challange me and for him someone to love him unconditionally. Is that wrong? Am i livin in fairytales? Let me know your thoughts, please.


Last edited by lorica; 03-06-2017 at 02:31 AM. Reason: grammar error
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post #2 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 06:39 AM
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Cool Re: Married to my best friend

From my standpoint, this situation is rather unnormal and severely illogical!

If a CTJM(Come to Jesus Meeting) with him hasn't ever been had, then one is certainly needed to be scheduled! And if no results from such a meeting are fruitful, then a trip to a good marriage counselor is certainly in order!

Under most conditions, marriage is supposed to be a most physically and loving event!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #3 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to my best friend

i don't really understand why so unnormal? Dont people fall out of love? we were the best couple in all aspects until about a year ago... we had chemistry and affection and friendship and everything that a relationship is supposed to have..
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post #4 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:07 AM
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Re: Married to my best friend

So within 5 months or marriage your romantic feelings for him are gone (and from reading they were mostly gone before you got married which should've been a massive red flag in the first place). Honestly, let him go, marriage is no place to friendzone someone. It will be painful for him at first but in the long run it will be better for him. You can't even confirm that you were ever really in love with him (i.e. you said you "think" you were in love with him). Time for both of you to move on, and hopefully each find the right person.
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post #5 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 07:09 AM
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Re: Married to my best friend

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Originally Posted by lorica View Post
I feel like we dont have a healthy relationship since i am the center of his universe all the time and i want for me someone to challange me and for him someone to love him unconditionally. Is that wrong? Am i livin in fairytales? Let me know your thoughts, please.
This is what stood out to me the most. I think this is what is contributing to the problem.

I too fell out of love with my last partner. The sex just dried up, I just had zero interest in having sex with him. Looking back now, the truth is I fell out of love way before we got serious. Like you, I had a hard time grasping that because he seemed perfect and we got along very well. I was so confused and it broke my heart when I had to tell him. The worst part was not being able to offer solutions. We went to counselling, didn't help. Ultimately we decided on an open relationship which exacerbated the problem and led to our demise.

Closer to the end is when I figured out the problem, he was just too nice. He was very emotionally needy and his presence was overwhelming. I tried to communicate this but he could not comprehend it.

Recently I came across the text: No More Mr Nice Guy. OMG that was gone to a T. From the childhood issues to the excessive giving to the issues with sex. It's a quick read and the PDF is available for free online. Have a read and see if it describes your partner. If it does, it will point out exactly whats causing the disconnect between you two.
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post #6 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 09:29 AM
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Married to my best friend

Sounds like you aren't comfortable with a sure thing. You want him to call you on your **** and lead more? If so I think this is correctable as the last poster said.

I'm older so my role models were strong independent men. Then somehow Alan Alda came on the scene and created this whiny, needy archetype and women, unfortunately, gravitated toward it in a backlash against misogyny which was also present. I honestly blame Alan Alda for the decline of masculinity in western society

So it's about learning that it's ok to be a "jerk" if that's someone else's view of a strong, independent guy. No need to apologize for being a guy.

Many nice guys here are and in recovery


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post #7 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 09:44 AM
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Re: Married to my best friend

Is there someone else you are attracted to. (not that you have acted on the attraction in any way, but just the thought)?

Have you been in love before and how did it end?

Is your sex life good, at least physically?

If you imagine a perfect romantic relationship, what is it you imagine?


The question you have to ask yourself is whether he is the wrong person for you, or if you are not able to stay in love for a long time. Many people are not able to maintain those feelings for a long time.
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post #8 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:01 AM
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Re: Married to my best friend

I also married my best friend.. but I never felt this way.. can't relate... Can you articulate what stirs DESIRE in you....what turns you on?? How is the sex.. is this a part of it.. do you "O" ?

Physically speaking - are you attracted to him? You say you wouldn't change anything... but this is not true.... you want him to challenge you..

Have you spoken to him what you said here....if you feel he's too accommodating.. that he puts you on a pedestal....maybe it would be healthy to FIGHT once in a while, this shows he has his OWN OPINION, and it's not catering to yours.. you want to see him take more of a lead..

Can you give some examples of other men that you are deeply attracted to, their mannerisms, that HE is lacking and COULD work on? Just for the sake of trying to save this.. if possible..
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post #9 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:15 AM
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Re: Married to my best friend

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Originally Posted by lorica View Post
Hello. I am seeking advice since i feel that everyone around me is too involved in the situation to have a clear mind about my problems. So i 26 years old and my husband is 29. We've been married for 5 months and together for 7 years. We've always been best friends and funcioned perfectly and honestly, we never fight. And i think i was in love with him. But for the past year or a bit more i have started to loose the romantic love for him. I love him dearly as a friend, as a part of my family, but the romantic feelings were starting to fade. And i tried i tried so hard i even got married since there were still a bit or feelings left. But now i see they are gone. And i see no way of getting them back. So i told him this and he was shocked and surprised. And i have no legit reason to give him. None at all.. he is a perfect as he is.. he worships me, never holds me back, loves me to death. And i like hanging out with him and going on trips with him, but there is no passion, no want for sex. He is my best friend and i am affraid that is all he is. He would like me to tell him what to do to save our marriage but i cant even give him an answer. Because he is doing nothing wrong. I am so devestated to see him devestated.. and i am most affraid he will not talk to me again. So i even said i'd go to counceling with him (telling him not to expect a different outcome) just to make him accept this less painfully. Whenever he pleads with me to try i tell him i dont see how it could be different and when he says he's going to wait for me i tell him not to, but i feel broken seeing him broken. Am i doing the right thing? Do you honestly think the romantic feeling could come back? I would love to give him a list of things to change, but there just isn't anything. I feel like we dont have a healthy relationship since i am the center of his universe all the time and i want for me someone to challange me and for him someone to love him unconditionally. Is that wrong? Am i livin in fairytales? Let me know your thoughts, please.

It's obvious. You believe that you are not worthy of love. Now you are going about proving yourself to be right.
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post #10 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 10:15 AM
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Re: Married to my best friend

Lorica,

Can you elaborate a little bit on your childhood and family history?

This can sometimes be helpful in identifying issues that might be contributing to the problem.

I've already picked up some things from your discussion about your H, but before commenting I'd like to have a better picture about you.

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post #11 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-06-2017, 11:23 AM
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Re: Married to my best friend

I think this speaks a lot more to your own challenges than his.

I agree that it can mean you feel you are not worthy of love; or there are issues that you're refusing to acknowledge. Either way, I think it would be a good idea to dig deeper into this; maybe seek out IC. If you walk away from this relationship without having done some self work; you'll right back into this situation with someone else; again and again and again, until you step back to see what it is about YOU that's choosing this type of relationship.

I felt this way about my husband back when we FIRST starting having problems.. saying its ME, not him; he's perfect... there's just something missing. Once I was able to dig deeper (and started counselling); I realized, yes, it is me; but it's also him. Men being too nice, or too accommodating isn't attractive; it shows lack of self confidence and ambition. A lack of passion for life translates in all areas.. which can be hard to live with.

To me, it sounds like you have a hard time asking for what you REALLY want; or feel deserving of love or happiness. Sounds like self sabotage to me.

Maybe you've fallen out of love with him, but there's a reason; I wouldn't rest until I find it, so that it can be avoided next time, and a lesson can learned from all this heartbreak.
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post #12 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:20 AM
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Re: Married to my best friend

I can relate to this so much. I'm going through a similar situation. I too have fallen out of love with my husband and question whether or not I'm being foolish. There are things my husband does which drives me insane and he is not helpful around the house at all, but he treats me wonderfully and I know I never have to worry about anything with him. I, like you, wonder if that is enough though. I love my husband dearly, but I'm not in love with him. I wish I had advice for you, but all I can offer is the knowledge that you are not alone. My husband and I are going to try counseling, but I'm not optimistic. We've been married 4 years, but I think it's coming to an end. I hope that you can find the right decision for you and that you find the love you're looking for. I feel your pain.
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post #13 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 09:24 AM
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Re: Married to my best friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by lorica View Post
i don't really understand why so unnormal? Dont people fall out of love? we were the best couple in all aspects until about a year ago... we had chemistry and affection and friendship and everything that a relationship is supposed to have..
So, what were you doing to keep that chemistry and affection?

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #14 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-07-2017, 10:03 AM
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Re: Married to my best friend

Be honest. Is he fat, short, bald, ugly? What's wrong with him? Something about him makes you feel like you can do better and life is too short. I felt the same way about my ex wife, but I hated/resented her for how much of a b*tch she was to me. Ha.
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post #15 of 27 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 07:37 PM
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Re: Married to my best friend

You tried to turn friendship into romance. He was your best friend and now you're feeling smothered and disinterested and bored. Try having you both disconnect from the hip and get some activities of your own, friends of your own and then see if date nights will ignite (reignite) passion.
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