I hate my husband and I want to leave but....
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Old 01-17-2009, 01:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I hate my husband and I want to leave but....

I don't know where to start. My husband came home from Iraq for the second time last November. When he came home from his first deployment he had horrible PTSD and drank a bottle of hard alcohol daily. I dealt with it and knew he was going to redeploy and I thought that would magically fix him.
Before he deployed we had our only child and he left when he was 6 months old.
We don't agree on parenting at all, he thinks I am too easy on our son. I think he needs to spend more time with him and make a bond.
Anyway he said he was done drinking and wants to work on our marriage when he gets home and rebuild the trust he broke.
Since he's been home this time he has lied about drinking more times than I can count. He says hes going to the gym and comes home where he can hardly talk. This afternoon I came home with our son and my husband was in the bed passed out from sleeping pills.
I cant do this anymore. I cannot be the only parent while he's acting like a kid. Our son can't see him like that, my biggest fear is that he'll end up like his dad.
If I leave I have nothing I am a stay at home mom so I dont have a job or my own money. We are moving into a new house next week and the lifestyle we live won't happen anymore if I leave.
Is it fair for my son to leave or is it worse to stay? I actually hate my husband I have no feelings of love for him anymore. I can deal with those feelings of hate until my son is old enough to understand and I have money saved but would that be worse in the long run?
**I forgot to add he refused treatment for his drinking and PTSD b/c it will stop him from getting a promotion, or so he says.
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Old 01-17-2009, 02:44 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I hate my husband and I want to leave but....

I feel for you.

The terror he saw on duty has fused his brain. Rather than try to fix the marriage, see if you can encourage him to get fixed. Then the marriage might just fix itself. He needs the PTSD treatment.

If you are thinking of leaving him anyway, have you thought of giving him an ultimatum regarding the PTSD treatment?
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Old 01-17-2009, 03:06 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I hate my husband and I want to leave but....

He definaltely needs help! I don't think this is something that is going to go away on it's own. What's worse is he sounds like he has the potential for great personal harm (sleeping pills and alcohol are often a deadly combination). I would suggest you do whatever it takes to get him to seek help, once he does that I suspect you will get your loving H back.
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Old 01-17-2009, 11:06 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I hate my husband and I want to leave but....

get him help! i resent my husband for things i just let slide in the start of our marriage, and things got worse by the day. you might want to try going to FRG family readiness group meetings. it sounds like he needs to fix himself before you can fix the relationship.
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Old 01-18-2009, 04:23 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I hate my husband and I want to leave but....

He needs proffesional help, whilst i can understand the need in him not to admit he has a problem and that hes tough and getting help will stop any promotion! what hes seen will only keep replaying in his head in his dreams. you deserve your husband and your son deserves his father.drinking and pill mixing will totally absorbe any feelings he has it will help block his nightmares for that moment but it wont stop them if you leave his behaviour to continue i dont think you will have to leave him.... i think he will end up in a box. seek him help
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Old 01-18-2009, 04:55 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I hate my husband and I want to leave but....

I grew up in a military family (mom and dad) it is a hard life style not only on the person(s) in the military but for their families too. I will echo many peoples responce he needs the help or things will get worse. WHat is more important his family or his career?

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Old 01-18-2009, 06:23 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I hate my husband and I want to leave but....

I think you should leave.
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Old 01-19-2009, 02:36 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I hate my husband and I want to leave but....

I think you should see him through this while being sepertated. If you know that he can break this then help him get the help he needs so that at the end he is able to be a great father, even if that means he is no longer your husband. both your son and he will thank you one day.
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Old 01-19-2009, 07:44 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I actually feel for your husband, I can only imagine what he must be going through. He has experienced things that we can only imagine and they must be tearing him up on the inside. Then he has to come home and try to "fit in" with the routine and daily life that you and your son have that didn't include him while he was deployed. You mentioned his father, is there a history of alcoholism and/or mental illness in his family? Please try to convince him, when he is sober of course, to get some help. I know this is tough for you (to say the least), but from the way you describe it, I don't think he's acting like a kid as much as he is going through a terrible time and really needs help. Your first priority must be to ensure the safety and well-being of yourself and then your child (we mothers tend to reverse that :-)), but please be wary of those that advise you to "just leave" that is very cold and inappropriate advice especially from someone who doesn't even know you or know the complete story. Seek counseling, help from family, God, a friend you can vent to, etc...before you end your marriage. I agree w/ those who propose temporary separation if it will be a wake-up call or if you all are in danger...but for the heartless "just leave" responses, I would ignore that!

Last edited by honey28; 01-19-2009 at 07:48 AM.
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Old 01-19-2009, 08:20 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Old 01-22-2009, 02:17 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I hate my husband and I want to leave but....

You should go to your husband first shirt and tell him what is going. If his first shirt sees it as an issue then he will make him get help. That may sound bad going behind your husbands back and doing that but this could kill him. I know its hard sticking by your husband through times like this but he really needs you more that anything. Ill be praying for you two. Good luck!!
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Old 01-23-2009, 04:27 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Yes. Sometimes a spouse knows better what the other partner needs than the person him/herself. That's marriage: for better or for worse. I'm not saying there is never a time to call it a day, but... you have to turn over every stone first.
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Old 01-31-2009, 06:57 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I hate my husband and I want to leave but....

I most definitely agree with MarkTwain and Honey28!!!

If you can help him get through this, he will be better for it. People who have suffered the most difficult trials and tribs are usually wiser, more understanding, and best of all....even better friends than before. Trust me, I know.

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Old 09-09-2010, 03:20 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: I hate my husband and I want to leave but....

Not sure what branch of the service but while you are a spouse you still rate help from the family services center and military chaplains. Your child will still get health care and child support even if you do leave. Surely you have friends or family you can go to???

I would ask for help getting him to the right assistance. I know that the military has an alcohol rehabilitation program called level 4 or 5 or somthing like that. It is not held against people if they complete it successfully.
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Old 05-17-2011, 12:34 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I hate my husband and I want to leave but....

I think you should stay with him. You fell in love for a reason and you made a very serious commitment to get married. You don't just magically stay in love, it takes work. A lot of tough work, that can drain you and exhaust you at times, but these tough times are nothing compared to the happy times. Any marriage can be fixed as long as there isn't physical abuse involved. Marriage is for better or for worse, PTSD is seriously the worst. You owe it to your husband to be a supporter through this disease, he isn't himself. He went off to fight for this country and it damaged him in ways that people who have not been deployed do not understand. I can tell you how to fix him.

1. go to his chain of command, 1SG preferably and tell them that he has a drinking problem and needs to be treated for PTSD.

2. be loving and supportive, most importantly be understanding that the man you fell in love with is battling something horrible. STAND BY HIM.

3. Fix yourself. You need to be more understanding and don't be so quick to quit. You only care about the money? That isn't your biggest problem..I think you should also consider your son in this matter. If you set your mind to it you can do amazing things. Your problems are common and stronger women have worked through them.

Good luck.
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