husband accepted out of state job without me - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 01:17 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy husband accepted out of state job without me

My husband has been unemployed the past 7 months. He didn't file for unemployment or file for a motion for child support, he thought he'd get a job super quick, probably partially irresponsible and lazy. 7 months ago I found out he had an active online dating profile that had been up for previous 7 months. While he was out of town a few months ago for an interview he stayed a few extra nights and I caught him trying to hook up with women on craigslist. Our psychologist thinks he has a porn addiction. I was very hurt upset and didn't know if I wanted to stay with him. Actually I was pretty sure I didn't. I let him stay in the house I didn't kick him out. He started seeing someone and getting help, we spent sometime together and things got better...

And then he interview for a job out of state when 1)I don't want to move. I left my home job family to be here with him. I've done this sacrifice for him
2) I don't want to move to this location of the country. Cold Rainy and I don't want to start a life from scratch again. He took the job, without me being ok with it. He assumed I'd be willing to do a long distance relationship. He wants us to work and says he loves me and wants us to work as a team but WTH how can you do it with basically 2 separate lives. I said if he did it I was filing for divorce and then compromised with he would continue to look for work where I currently reside and would move back in 6 months. Talked to him today, and he's changed his mind. He says its what he has to do for his obligations (child support). I'm his wife, aren't I an obligation. I feel abandoned. If he loved me, if he wanted this to work. He says he loves me and wants us to work. But I don't see his actions meeting his words... Am I wrong for not wanting to do LDR all over again especially since he didn't even discuss it with me? I love him so much but I'm thinking I need to bite the bullet and severe ties....

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post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 01:32 AM
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Re: husband accepted out of state job without me

Why is it so hard for him to find a job where you life now?

With his history, there is no way I think it makes any sense at all to do a long distance relationship with your husband. He will be able to carry on with other women all he wants.


Do you have a job? Have you been supporting the two of you for a while now?
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post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:36 AM
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Re: husband accepted out of state job without me

He's done and you should be done as well.
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post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 10:40 AM
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Re: husband accepted out of state job without me

This smells all kinds of rotten!! Him not considering your wants and needs is a red flag; not to mention his history with women!! Yikes. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. I'd severe ties.

If he really wanted to find a job close to home; he could. Those who want to work; WORK. It may not be an amazing job, but he could be making minimum somewhere, for sure. He's being lazy in finding work... and he's being lazy in his relationship with you!!

Im sorry you're going through this!!
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post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:06 AM
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Re: husband accepted out of state job without me

Suzie, I'd address the issues in your marriage before making any changes like moving away. Do you have children? If not, I'd separate and get into IC if you aren't already. If you do have kids, I'd expose to family and friends his affairs- and that is what he's doing by trying to hook up with other women (and he likely has already). I'd also get him into therapy as a condition for remaining married to you.
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post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:22 AM
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Re: husband accepted out of state job without me

It seems that he just wants to create a situation where he can remain married to you while being with other women in a different location from you. I don't see why you would want to stay with him, LDR or not. At his first opportunity at interviews or business trip, he will search out other women.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:35 AM
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Re: husband accepted out of state job without me

Suzie, see a lawyer. Get the paperwork to file for divorce. Fill it out. Set it down on the table in front of him and inform him that you have zero trust in him because of his infidelity and that you refuse to be in a long distance relationship where you know he will cheat again. He's going through with it because he thinks you won't leave if he does. You caught him once, you stayed. He got the job offer, you stayed and compromised. No more! Send a strong, clear message that he either stays in town and works with you or he can leave.
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post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 11:46 AM
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Re: husband accepted out of state job without me

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Suzie, I'd address the issues in your marriage before making any changes like moving away. Do you have children? If not, I'd separate and get into IC if you aren't already. If you do have kids, I'd expose to family and friends his affairs- and that is what he's doing by trying to hook up with other women (and he likely has already). I'd also get him into therapy as a condition for remaining married to you.
Sorry. Time out. What business is it of this guy's *friends* to know about his affairs? Especially when they have kids? Are you nuts? It's no one else's business or problem. Period. That's just pure trashy behavior.
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post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 12:47 PM
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Re: husband accepted out of state job without me

As per the title of your thread, you seem more concerned about him taking an out of state job than trying to hook up with a woman on craigslist.

That's weird.
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post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 01:50 PM
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Re: husband accepted out of state job without me

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Sorry. Time out. What business is it of this guy's *friends* to know about his affairs? Especially when they have kids? Are you nuts? It's no one else's business or problem. Period. That's just pure trashy behavior.
His behavior is terrible and she needs support and help to get him to stop. This isn't my idea, I should have clarified that I've read a ton by Dr. Harley (Surviving an Affair, though we have never had an affair in our marriage). He recommends exposure as do others here on TAM.

I can see why you'd disagree, but we'll have to agree to disagree here. I don't think this is nuts at all, especially since they have kids. She needs all the help she can get in stopping her husband's behavior, which likely thrives on secrecy.

*And let's remember that HIS behavior, seeking women on craigslist and creating profiles on dating sites, is trashy. Not seeking help and support from close friends and family.

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post #11 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:00 PM
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Re: husband accepted out of state job without me

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Originally Posted by DonaldDuck666 View Post
Sorry. Time out. What business is it of this guy's *friends* to know about his affairs? Especially when they have kids? Are you nuts? It's no one else's business or problem. Period. That's just pure trashy behavior.
Uh, you might want to do a bit more reading around here before you jump on someone like that. It's called EXPOSURE and it's a well established method for stopping cheaters in their tracks.

Anyway. Suzie. Suzie, Suzie, Suzie. Your husband has decided that you aren't going to do anything about him sleeping with other women. Because you haven't. The VERY FIRST thing you need to do is get tested for STD's. And STOP having sex with him until he presents you, IN WRITING, with a clear STD panel on himself. And until he starts treating you with respect. Everything you need to know is right there in your last paragraph. Yopu told him you'd file for D if he did this, so he backtracked, you relented, then he reneged. This is WHAT HE DOES. He is lying to you and manipulating you, and YOU'RE LETTING HIM.

See a lawyer STAT. Get D underway and DO NOT LOOK BACK. This guy is playing you. He's screwing around right in front of your face and you're letting him, and he is NOT going to stop.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #12 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 02:10 PM
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Re: husband accepted out of state job without me

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I love him so much
Not to be cold but I think you need to understand one thing....

It doesn't matter at all how much you love him if he doesn't love you.

The feeling is not mutual. He abandoned you and that's all the proof you need of this.

He's stringing you along which makes him all the more disgusting of a human.

DUMP HIM. It's over, he just hasn't made it official yet. Salvage your dignity.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #13 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:27 PM
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Re: husband accepted out of state job without me

Sorry but if he couldn't find a job locally, then he would have to move.

He has to pay child support or in some places, go to jail.
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post #14 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 09:28 PM
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Re: husband accepted out of state job without me

On him trying to hook up. You deserve better.

Do you know if he cheated on his first wife?
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post #15 of 18 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 09:09 AM
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Sorry but if he couldn't find a job locally, then he would have to move.

He has to pay child support or in some places, go to jail.
No, he files a motion to modify child support, since he has no income.
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