Husband wants to leave but I had to ask him to go...there's this guy on facebook

lonelyconfused · 12-27-2011, 12:04 AM

Just so everyone knows this I've only been talking to this guy for about 5 days maybe! It was certainly something that has taken me by surprise and not what I was looking for. I thought that after this marriage ends that I would never get married again but then when this guy flattered me, it gave me hope that I can have a good life beyond this. But I will make a decision to stop it that is something completely within my control. I have read those books on the love languages, I have tried to do everything with my husbands love language and he has through the years rejected it every time. I am not as organized as he is and as hard as I have tried through the years he takes my spontaneous/sometimes disorganized nature as not loving him well. I have tried and have now given up, it doesn't seem to make any difference, he thinks his way of doing things is the only correct way. He is very stubborn and unwilling to flex. In the mist of that I have flexed too much for him and something in me has died and needs to be rebirthed.

lonelyconfused · 12-27-2011, 12:07 AM

It's not that I need a man to have a better life because with my goals and interests that keeps me afloat, I live a very full life in that regard, I just miss having a good relationship, somebody to share life with. If I am still attractive, when Im ready again I will find somebody that will treat me better.

EleGirl · 12-27-2011, 12:11 AM

You just need to resolve this relationship first. It's a tough one.. but once you get the ball rolling it will get easier.

lonelyconfused · 12-27-2011, 12:12 AM

I certainly hope so.

EleGirl · 12-27-2011, 12:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lonelyconfused

I certainly hope so.

You need a plan of action. So what's your plan?

lonelyconfused · 12-27-2011, 12:22 AM

Well we talked last week and I told him that he needed to move out, he asked for three months and I told him that was not a reasonable time frame unless he wanted to work things out. There is a family event mid Jan, so i asked him to leave after that point, he said he thinks he can work things out to leave in Feb. So at that time my plan was to give him the separation papers. I will still stay at the house and he will still be just down the road to see kids and drive to activities and what not. Since he will have to have a lease for a year he wants to give the separation a year, which is fine with me. But if things go awol then I will file for divorce sooner, I gave him a list of things he would have to do in order to re-establish a relationship with me, so far he has told me he's not interested in doing any of that. So I think by summertime, I will have a more definite picture as to where things will end up, but I do think if I at least see how things go until the summer, I will have a better idea of how it will end up and I will feel that I have done everything I could.

EleGirl · 12-27-2011, 12:27 AM

If I were you I would file as soon as he moves out to establish custody/visitation and financial issues.

lonelyconfused · 12-27-2011, 12:30 AM

We've chatted about all that he will give me a check each month for groceries and school stuff, he will take care of both household's rent, car payments, all other bills. We'll see, but that should all be in the paperwork correct? I haven't gotten into that much detail yet.

EleGirl · 12-27-2011, 01:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lonelyconfused

We've chatted about all that he will give me a check each month for groceries and school stuff, he will take care of both household's rent, car payments, all other bills. We'll see, but that should all be in the paperwork correct? I haven't gotten into that much detail yet.

How long have the two of you been married? Do you have children under 18? The answer to these two questions is important.

Regardless of what he says he'll do now... i doubt you can depend on is word. You really do need to get an attorney to set up interim support until you divorce is final.

You are in school working on a degree? Bachelors or Masters?

California uses the DissoMaster as the starting point for child support and spousal support. You can get an idea of what the support will be.

California Child and Spousal Support Calculator | Dydo Services I've used this site to run support calculations in my brother's case. The results from the site are exactly what they came up with in court. this site charges $40 for a report and 10 revisions.

There is also a free calculator on the California court self help site.

PBear · 12-27-2011, 01:33 AM

Sounds like you have a pretty reasonable plan in place, and the timelines seem fair. What are you looking at changing to make things work? Are the two of you going through counseling as well?

C
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lonelyconfused · 12-27-2011, 07:00 AM

I recently became an insurance agent and I work at an insurance co part time, i love it, but I need to work full time to make it really work, so I have been looking into several child care options, I have a degree bs. Thanks for all the info on the legal stuff!
I know I have to be careful trusting his word regarding the financials. I am not blind there.

lonelyconfused · 12-27-2011, 07:01 AM

He refuses to go to counseling. He thinks it will make things worse. I disagree.