one_strange_otter

Married 14 years this January. Now that I'm "grown up" at 35 I've realized I never really got married for the right reasons. Basically married the first girl that would sleep with me. Felt obligated to stay and be nice for the kids sake. Have 3 of them by the way all ten and under. Been to counseling twice over the years because, even though she doesn't want to admit it, we aren't really compatible. I'm not the type to wantonly drag her through the mud to make myself feel better about it but after 14 years with her I can definitely say she is never going to change who she is. And I guess that's part of my issue. Why would you ask someone to change who they are fundamentally just to salvage something you no longer want? I feel bad because we don't talk about it and I even lie when she says she loves me and I tell her it back. The few times a month we actually have sex I have to think about something else or make up a fantasy in my head because I'm not attracted to her and it's difficult to keep it up long enough to finish. She seems pleasantly oblivious about the whole thing. So, I've started looking at apartments and I'm setting up a meeting with a divorce lawyer. I'm sure people out there will think I'm a **** for not wanting to work it out. I just know there is someone out there better suited for what I want in a person now that I know for sure what I don't want. Because of our work and school situation with the kids I'm going to ask for the older two to stay with me. I've worked out a custody schedule in my head that seems fair. I guess I don't have a specific question for the forum just wanted to put what's in my head into a post to see what people I've never met think about the situation.

PBear

I know how you feel, dude. I was there last November.told her in December that I wanted a separation, stayed over the holidays for the sake of the kids, then there was a birthday for one of the kids and some minor surgery for the STBXW. Moved out finally in February.

I also married the first girl I slept with. We never did any counseling till the end, but your description of needing fundamentally change is very close to what I felt. I wanted/needed a partner in my marriage, not just one more person to take care of. I had to make all the major decisions in our marriage without any input from her, as I'd just get a "whatever you think is best" whenever I asked.

Anyway, just thought I'd let you know you're not alone. Good luck in your journey! If it helps, I met someone else shortly after I moved out (not recommended, btw!), and we're pretty deeply in love. She's everything I could ask for in a partner, including a sex drive at least as high as my own. .

C
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one_strange_otter

Thanks PBear. I would like to point out for the jury, lol, that neither of us have ever cheated (as far as I know) and I'm certainly not doing this because I have someone already lined up. My plan is to get everything straightened out first with moving out then telling her so I don't have to stay in the house while she goes through the "I don't understand" and "I know I can change" phase. I just don't want to see her begging....assuming she even would. For all I know she may go "Thank god, I didn't want to be the one to bring it up first. So when can you leave?" LOL

EleGirl

If you feel the way you say, do her the favor of letting her go free so she can find someone who cares for her. Also realize that your children will suffer because of this. Divorce generally throws children into a spin that takes years for them to overcome.

Does your wife work outside of the home?

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one_strange_otter

Part time work tues-thurs from 9-2.

And I know about the effects on kids. Mine got divorced when I was 3. I can honestly say I'd rather be from a broken home than a broken family. My mom re-married a nice guy that took care of us so I grew up normal.

EleGirl

Do you really think that your wife is going to agree to the two older children living with you and the custody schedule you have worked out in your head?

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one_strange_otter

Only one way to find out.

But honestly, over the years when we have argued she has been the one to throw divorce at me during the argument. She even promised to be a good divorcee and not hide the kids or anything like that. If you knew her the way I do you'd agree she is probably going to jump at the chance to not have to watch the kids. She pushes them on me every chance she gets.

accept

I cant see anywhere in your post what you consider wrong with your wife. All you say is not compatible.

one_strange_otter

I don't want to be one of the guys that tries to rationalize what they are doing by pointing out all of their spouses negatives. All I can tell you is I'm not attracted to her, I don't love her anymore (although I do care about her well being) and we don't have anything in common other than our kids. Do I take some of the blame for not trying harder? Yes. I'm one of the nice guys that puts everyone else's feelings in front of my own and it's created a monster so to speak that I no longer want to fight with. I'm not asking anyone to agree with my decision or even support it. Those of you out there that have been "walked out on" (even though I'm not approaching it that way) are bound to be offensive about this. But rather this forum is supposed to be an open discussion about how we feel concerning these focused topics and I'm just putting my thoughts to paper so to speak.

accept

I am one who is totally against divorce if a marriage can be saved. You write the grass is greener elsewhere. I just dont believe that is a reason for divorce.

PBear

Well, I did have an exit affair, so you're doing better than me. I'm not proud of that, and I really wish it hadn't happened, but I can't change it now. And regardless of what was wrong in our marriage, that decision was entirely mine, thinking that if I could fill that intimacy hole that was there, I could hang on till the kids were out of the house. Not a good plan at all.

In any case, I think getting out BEFORE things get to the point of fighting and resentments building is a good idea. Our kids seem to be adjusting ok, and I think the fact that we're still able to be nice to each other has a lot to do with that.

Not sure about the idea of splitting up the kids though... That just seems wrong. Not for your wife's sake, but for the kids sake. I think the primary focus when splitting up like this should be on what's best for the kids. And yes, many people might argue that what's best for the kids is two parents in the home, but whatever... I think two healthy but separate parents can be more important than two miserable tense parents in the same house.

C
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one_strange_otter

What does it mean to save a marriage? That you go to counseling and agree to be someone you aren't? Then that works for a few weeks or months and you end up going back to who you naturally are anyways and start the cycle all over again? We've been to counseling, I've tried tirelessly all the things they wanted me to do, following the instructions blindly hoping for something in return but all I got was childish reactions to the changes we were supposed to be making.

It is tough though to explain getting divorced when neither of us are drug addicts, abusive or otherwise at fault for anything other than making a rash decision 14 years ago because "it was the right thing to do". We are both good parents. But I'm not in the business of raising kids. I don't want to be miserable anymore. Ask the people who lived with parents having an empty, hollow relationship "for their sake" and see how they feel about it. All the ones I know say they wish they would have just split and at least tried to be happy separately rather than miserable together.

one_strange_otter

To clarify the custody issue, I work, and the older two kids go to school an hour away from our home. I got this job almost four years ago so we enrolled the kids in what we thought would be our destination city at some point in the near future but it never sold. So every morning myself and the older two get up and drive an hour to work/school, then make the hour trip back home in the evening. The youngest just started pre-k this year but goes in our home town and my wife takes care of getting him to school and then shuttling him to day care for the second half of the day. Since they are already settled in with their classes and friends over the last four years at the new school it made sense to me that they would stay during the week and go home on weekends. Kind of like this:
mon-fri older two with me, younger with his mother.
weekend 1 - switch kids out, older two go with mom, baby with me
weekend 2 - all kids stay with me
weekend 3 - all kids stay with her
Then go back to weekend 1

I'd be setting up communications for them via webchat on laptops for the evenings and I'd never restrict them from calling their mom. The kids stay exhausted from all the late nights getting home, rushing through homework, then heading straight to bed and never really have time to relax, let alone participate in afterschool activities because of the commute. And, in case anyone is wondering, it's not a commute that gets better with traffic. It's the same long 55 miles every time. It's not a city commute that would be short one day and long the next. We also eat out almost every meal because of this schedule. With a home here in my work town I'd be able to cook everynight and go home for lunch if I wanted.

NotSoSureYet

My sister and I were children of divorced parents (I was 7 and she was 14). I hope you can find another way for the kids schedules to work out. I don't think it is a good idea for them to be apart - especially in the beginning of the divorce. Maybe you can work something out where you get all 3 during the week and drop the youngest off to her in the a.m. so your stbx can take him to pre K??

Then just swap them every other weekend...... Or you get all kids on M&T. She gets them W&Th. You just have to pick the older ones up on your off days to get them to school. Then still flip flop weekends......just another idea.

that_girl

have you told your wife all this (apartment, etc) or do you just plan to drop the bomb on her and move out one day.

My husband did that. And it sucked. I felt so betrayed that he couldn't have talked about it with me or at least TOLD me his intentions before jsut up and leaving.

He moved home and we're doing really well but we had to really dig into when he left because I was severely traumatized by it. The fact that he planned everything out without even telling me really hurt.

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