28 years of beautiful lies - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #16 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:05 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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post #17 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:18 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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I don't understand this post at all. It sounds like you're blaming her for him leaving her and their 5 children and having an affair with his old girlfriend.



Do you have some sort of agenda? Did someone do something similar to you?


If you only want to read posts by cheerleaders I suggest you put me on ignore right away. At some point she will need to own her part in the condition of the marriage. Not the cheating, the marriage.
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post #18 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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I don't understand this post at all. It sounds like you're blaming her for him leaving her and their 5 children and having an affair with his old girlfriend.

Do you have some sort of agenda? Did someone do something similar to you?
Dear Working on me thank you for your in put. To answer question I have affirmed my husband yes I have. I have supported my husband throughout my whole marriage. I have thanked him for providing us with a good life , have always told him what a great father he is and how sexy that is. I have been available to him I don't know how much more to stroke his ego, I have supported him through boot camp, War, law school, private practice....worked countless hours by his side as his office manager and secretary at the expense of my family, when he decided that being an attorney was killing him and he weighed over 350 pounds I stood behind him and let him know that I would support him in what he needed to do to be happy. He stopped practicing and started working for the state making less than 30 thousand a year for a family of 7. We lost our home and everything else but none of those things mattered because they are material. My family is the most valuable thing in my life. I supported my husband in weight loss and encouraged him to take up martial arts and clipped coupons and lived paycheck to paycheck. I told him how much I loved him and appreciated him and all that he did for us. We sex on the regular as often as possible went out and spent time alone together. How much stroking would you like me to do. I planned a 25 year anniversary cruise for us and took us zip lining , snorkeling and tubing for the first time ever in our lives. I'm not interested in what I have invested, I simply stated that because I feel that giving up on my marriage is hard since it was a good marriage and its hard to walk away when you have so much of yourself invested in your relationship and family
Dear Browser, Thank you for defending me I do not feel to blame for what my husband has chosen to do to me and our family. But I did ask for any in put be it neg. or positive. thank you for your words.
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post #19 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:53 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Dear Browser, Thank you for defending me I do not feel to blame for what my husband has chosen to do to me and our family. But I did ask for any in put be it neg. or positive. thank you for your words.
You're welcome. Realize that when people post here, sometimes well meaning advice givers are "triggered", meaning that they read a post that brings up bitter memories and unresolved feelings of anger towards their partner who betrayed them, and they lash out at an innocent third party who has done nothing to deserve it. Try not to take it personally, it has nothing to do with you.
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post #20 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Working on me,
So I'm interested in what you think is my part to own in the relationship? If his whole family is disappointed in him and had no clue that he was not madly, deeply in love with me and even my in laws are defending me what makes you think differently? Maybe I should have disregarded my husband and his wants and needs and been only concerned with mine. I think that you should inquire a little more before you make assumptions. I'm not a doormat or a stupid woman by ANY means. I just am here to try and make sense of a senseless situation. I mean no one is perfect and marriage is give and take and a learning experience. Its not perfect and I am certainly guilty of growing in my marriage and as a person. My husband spent a lot of time letting me and my children know how much he loved me and us and how he would never (his words not mine) leave us the way friends had done to others in our circle. If there is something that I can clarify for you so you can point out my failures please be my guest. I'm sure it isn't anything I have not entertained a thousand times myself.
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post #21 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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What is there not to understand? His post was directed to OP asking if she reciprocated and demonstrated love to her husband.
Yes, I did reciprocate his love
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post #22 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:00 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Working on me,

So I'm interested in what you think is my part to own in the relationship? If his whole family is disappointed in him and had no clue that he was not madly, deeply in love with me and even my in laws are defending me what makes you think differently? Maybe I should have disregarded my husband and his wants and needs and been only concerned with mine. I think that you should inquire a little more before you make assumptions. I'm not a doormat or a stupid woman by ANY means. I just am here to try and make sense of a senseless situation. I mean no one is perfect and marriage is give and take and a learning experience. Its not perfect and I am certainly guilty of growing in my marriage and as a person. My husband spent a lot of time letting me and my children know how much he loved me and us and how he would never (his words not mine) leave us the way friends had done to others in our circle. If there is something that I can clarify for you so you can point out my failures please be my guest. I'm sure it isn't anything I have not entertained a thousand times myself.


I don't necessarily think any differently. I just hope that you can be introspective and try to examine your part of the marriage dynamic. Maybe not. Maybe you are a saint who was simply blindsided.
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post #23 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:11 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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My husband and I have been married 27 years this July and together for a total of 28 years. Perfect marriage no but good marriage yes or so I thought. My husband came home to me on his birthday stood in our bedroom door and told me that he loved me but not the way a husband should love his wife. I was in complete and udder shock. There were no warning signs two weeks prior to this he was sending me love songs and telling me how he could love me forever and how easy it was because of what a beautiful person I was. He told me that he was a coward over the last 25 years and that he had realized I wasn't the girl for him but could never bring himself to tell me. We have five beautiful children ages 23 to 15. Then a month after he dropped this bomb on me he went on to tell me how he called his girlfriend of 30 years ago that he dated when he was 15 to 16 and that he just called her to apologize for breaking her heart, and then he told her that he had thought of her on and off throughout our marriage. He told me that he knows the right thing to is stay with me but he can not help the way he feels. He loves me deeply but he feels like the world could fall out from under him when he is with her. Our sex life was good, we talked about everything and anything, or so I thought. Everyone we know is in complete shock because they thought he adored the ground I walked on we were best friends and I am in disbelief. Fast forward five months he is now in a sexual relationship with her and she is married but separated herself. I believe in marriage and that it is a sacrament. I wanted to go to counseling but the minute he knew he would have to give her up he said he could not hurt her like that again. I know I should be angry and disgusted with his infidelity but all I can think about is the time I have invested in this relationship. We invested so much and were making plans for our retirement. He asked me to file for divorce and I refused stating that it is not what I want. He has not filed yet but has expressed to me he cant live with this other woman if he is married to me which is a laughable considering he is having sex with her while he is married to me. We live separately because we were relocating to another state. I am so depressed and am still in shock over what is going on in my life. Its almost like PTSD. Our kids are all angry and have lost respect for their father but they love him. He was an excellent father and husband I just am having trouble digesting what is going on. I feel as if my life has been a big lie and that I have been cheated. Any advise is welcomed positive or negative.
I remember my mid-life crisis. I bought a Corvette. I guess I had more to hold onto than he did.

Gee, that sounds so flippant of me. The fact is that I don't know you or your husband. If you guys were friends of my wife and I and said the same thing
I would have data and experience to assess what was going on, who was likely at fault and so on.

Once a friend told us a story not totally unlike your story but we had suspected for years that something was amiss. As then, I find it hard to grasp how
one partner can be so oblivious to the reality they live in. I know it happens. I can only attribute it to ...... NOT REALLY WANTING TO KNOW.

After the fact it all made sense to her. After the fact we were more confused than ever because it was so bizarre.
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post #24 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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This is such a terrible story, and I am so sorry that you and your kids are in this spot. He definitely needs a big wake up call. Although it's easy for us to say "DUMP HIM AND NEVER LOOK BACK" the reality is a family and a lifetime of love that you have shared, and you don't view it as disposable, because it shouldn't be.

I agree wholeheartedly with @Evinrude58, its easy for the cheater to claim they never loved you blah blah blah. Yeah right. He's justifying. Period.

He needs a reality check. I would tell him he has to move out immediately and then do the full 180 on him. Have zero contact other than about your minor children. That will probably be your best hope at a possible reconciliation down the road. It's doubtful that anything productive will come out of the situation until the newness wears off, and he suddenly realizes he has thrown away his wife, kids and family for a midlife crisis.
Dear Spicy,

Thank you what is this 180 thing I have read about. He doesn't live in the house with me which made this even easier for him. We were relocating because of his job so I was hear and moving when the kids got finished with school. It never occurred to me that our marriage could not endure a little separation as we talked multiple times throughout the day did hang outs along with him traveling between states. Guess I put all my faith in love and believed in my husbands integrity.
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post #25 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:22 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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I don't necessarily think any differently. I just hope that you can be introspective and try to examine your part of the marriage dynamic. Maybe not. Maybe you are a saint who was simply blindsided.
Please be sure to bring this skepticism to play in the many threads we get here on TAM with men whose wives have cheated no them. It would be interesting to see that happen on TAM.

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post #26 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Dear Spicy,

Thank you what is this 180 thing I have read about. He doesn't live in the house with me which made this even easier for him. We were relocating because of his job so I was hear and moving when the kids got finished with school. It never occurred to me that our marriage could not endure a little separation as we talked multiple times throughout the day did hang outs along with him traveling between states. Guess I put all my faith in love and believed in my husbands integrity.
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post #27 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:28 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Wow, this is so sad, I am sorry you are here. File for divorce, let him go. You will find yourself right back here again within the NEXT 20 years because he did this again. Dont let that happen, be the one to pull the trigger he is too cowardly to do himself.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #28 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:30 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Please be sure to bring this skepticism to play in the many threads we get here on TAM with men whose wives have cheated no them. It would be interesting to see that happen on TAM.
I'm thinking those hurt and betrayed men would respond angrily and defensively to someone suggesting they were cheated on because they screwed up, as compared to, say, offering support and useful advice.
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post #29 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:33 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Dear Spicy,

Thank you what is this 180 thing I have read about. He doesn't live in the house with me which made this even easier for him. We were relocating because of his job so I was hear and moving when the kids got finished with school. It never occurred to me that our marriage could not endure a little separation as we talked multiple times throughout the day did hang outs along with him traveling between states. Guess I put all my faith in love and believed in my husbands integrity.
See the link to the 180 in my signature block below.

In my signature block there is also a link to a book "Surviving an Affair". I think that book might be helpful to you.

In the book it talks about Plan A and Plan B. Plan A is what you do when you first find out about the affair. The author suggests that Plan A last for about 2 weeks. You are beyond that stage. Plan B is about the same as the 180. The idea is that it is time for you to protect yourself while the affair is in progress.

Now on the topic of you meeting your husband's needs. From the additional info you gave about your husband leaving his practice as a lawyer to work for far too little money to support you and your children, his weight problems, etc. it's pretty clear that he has not been a happy camper all these years. I don't mean not happy with you and your marriage. I mean not happy with himself.

He has probably felt inadequate and sucked it up. In this life, people are responsible for their own happiness. There is probably nothing that you could have done to 'fix' him. That was up to him. My bet is that what happened with this affair was that I has allowed him to return mentally to 15/16 years old where he had no responsibilities. The entire affair is a fantasy because he's back to a childhood love, has no real responsibilities to her. So being with her is just fun and a huge ego stroke. He does not have to look at her and feel like he let down a supportive/loving wife and a lot of children.

Affairs are about living a fantasy. The more you back out of his life and put pressure on his affair to fill his needs, the more likely that the affair will crash. See, his affair partner start this affair agreeing to take on all responsibility like a wife does. Once all of that responsibility is dumped on her, once he has to pay you alimony and child support and share all assets 50/50 with you, the more likely it is that she will run for the hills.

Get the book. It explains all of this.
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post #30 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:34 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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I'm thinking those hurt and betrayed men would respond angrily and defensively to someone suggesting they were cheated on because they screwed up, as compared to, say, offering support and useful advice.
I agree.
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