Thank you what is this 180 thing I have read about. He doesn't live in the house with me which made this even easier for him. We were relocating because of his job so I was hear and moving when the kids got finished with school. It never occurred to me that our marriage could not endure a little separation as we talked multiple times throughout the day did hang outs along with him traveling between states. Guess I put all my faith in love and believed in my husbands integrity.
See the link to the 180 in my signature block below.
In my signature block there is also a link to a book "Surviving an Affair". I think that book might be helpful to you.
In the book it talks about Plan A and Plan B. Plan A is what you do when you first find out about the affair. The author suggests that Plan A last for about 2 weeks. You are beyond that stage. Plan B is about the same as the 180. The idea is that it is time for you to protect yourself while the affair is in progress.
Now on the topic of you meeting your husband's needs. From the additional info you gave about your husband leaving his practice as a lawyer to work for far too little money to support you and your children, his weight problems, etc. it's pretty clear that he has not been a happy camper all these years. I don't mean not happy with you and your marriage. I mean not happy with himself.
He has probably felt inadequate and sucked it up. In this life, people are responsible for their own happiness. There is probably nothing that you could have done to 'fix' him. That was up to him. My bet is that what happened with this affair was that I has allowed him to return mentally to 15/16 years old where he had no responsibilities. The entire affair is a fantasy because he's back to a childhood love, has no real responsibilities to her. So being with her is just fun and a huge ego stroke. He does not have to look at her and feel like he let down a supportive/loving wife and a lot of children.
Affairs are about living a fantasy. The more you back out of his life and put pressure on his affair to fill his needs, the more likely that the affair will crash. See, his affair partner start this affair agreeing to take on all responsibility like a wife does. Once all of that responsibility is dumped on her, once he has to pay you alimony and child support and share all assets 50/50 with you, the more likely it is that she will run for the hills.
Get the book. It explains all of this.