28 years of beautiful lies - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:45 AM
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28 years of beautiful lies

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post #32 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:48 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Again, he NEVER suggested OP was at fault for the cheating. He suggested she look into her role in the martial dynamics.
The suggestion was subtle, but it was there. "Your husband cheated and is leaving on you. What might YOU have done differently to prevent this".

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Let's not make this into a gender war. He's not obligated to post in other threads.
I believe the suggestion that he post his inflammatory and hurtful comments towards other betrayed husbands was a dose of dry sarcasm that slipped by even me the first read through.
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post #33 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 12:02 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Please be sure to bring this skepticism to play in the many threads we get here on TAM with men whose wives have cheated no them. It would be interesting to see that happen on TAM.

I have. Several times. In fact, you have posted this same thing to me before. I guess I'm just not one of the people who believes "everything" is the cheater's fault. I do believe that the choice to cheat is on the cheater. But I also believe that both spouses have a part in creating the environment that it happened in. Man or woman.

I also find it interesting that a lot of people say that if you're in a bad marriage then you should leave before cheating. But when people come on here saying they left or a spouse has their spouse leave, then they're still the bad guy.
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post #34 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 12:16 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

I think it depends on a lot of context that we simply don't get here.
I've known people who have been cheated on and have done absolutely nothing to warrant such behavior from their spouse.
I've known people who have been cheated on and have been less than exemplary spouses and refuse to see their own part in how things fell apart.

There are REAL victims and there are self-proclaimed victims.

We really don't have the ability to clearly see the full circumstances of a situation. We usually only get one side... if lucky, we get two. So really, everything needs to be taken with a grain of salt... but this is an internet forum. Sides will be taken and stories will only be partially complete. I think we just do the best we can with what we have... and moderators hopefully keep the board open to all opinions.

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post #35 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 12:24 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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I have. Several times. In fact, you have posted this same thing to me before. I guess I'm just not one of the people who believes "everything" is the cheater's fault. I do believe that the choice to cheat is on the cheater. But I also believe that both spouses have a part in creating the environment that it happened in. Man or woman.
@WorkingOnMe

You're not wrong. Both partners usually have a part in creating the environment that led to the downfall of the relationship. Not always but much of the time.

Where you go astray is in your timing and your assumption that it's always the case that both partners are guilty in some way and EVEN if you are correct, what good does it do for this poor woman who has been left by a cheating husband who has gone back to an old girlfriend and say to her "try to examine your role in all of this because it will make you a better person" or whatever way you happen to put it.

She is not in a place where your blaming, condescending attitude will do her any good, and it's rather appalling that you continue to defend your position as if you truly believe you're actually helping people by continuing to blame them for their problems when there's absolutely nothing they can do about it at the moment.
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post #36 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 12:51 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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post #37 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:04 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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My husband and I have been married 27 years this July and together for a total of 28 years. Perfect marriage no but good marriage yes or so I thought. My husband came home to me on his birthday stood in our bedroom door and told me that he loved me but not the way a husband should love his wife. I was in complete and udder shock. There were no warning signs two weeks prior to this he was sending me love songs and telling me how he could love me forever and how easy it was because of what a beautiful person I was. He told me that he was a coward over the last 25 years and that he had realized I wasn't the girl for him but could never bring himself to tell me. We have five beautiful children ages 23 to 15. Then a month after he dropped this bomb on me he went on to tell me how he called his girlfriend of 30 years ago that he dated when he was 15 to 16 and that he just called her to apologize for breaking her heart, and then he told her that he had thought of her on and off throughout our marriage. He told me that he knows the right thing to is stay with me but he can not help the way he feels. He loves me deeply but he feels like the world could fall out from under him when he is with her. Our sex life was good, we talked about everything and anything, or so I thought. Everyone we know is in complete shock because they thought he adored the ground I walked on we were best friends and I am in disbelief. Fast forward five months he is now in a sexual relationship with her and she is married but separated herself. I believe in marriage and that it is a sacrament. I wanted to go to counseling but the minute he knew he would have to give her up he said he could not hurt her like that again. I know I should be angry and disgusted with his infidelity but all I can think about is the time I have invested in this relationship. We invested so much and were making plans for our retirement. He asked me to file for divorce and I refused stating that it is not what I want. He has not filed yet but has expressed to me he cant live with this other woman if he is married to me which is a laughable considering he is having sex with her while he is married to me. We live separately because we were relocating to another state. I am so depressed and am still in shock over what is going on in my life. Its almost like PTSD. Our kids are all angry and have lost respect for their father but they love him. He was an excellent father and husband I just am having trouble digesting what is going on. I feel as if my life has been a big lie and that I have been cheated. Any advise is welcomed positive or negative.
Fairly common unfortunately....

Bored spouse looks up old girlfriend / boyfriend on social media, they start reminiscing, remembering all the "good times", start to lust after each other and next thing you know they are throwing their entire marriage(s) down the toilet for some teenage infatuation.

Your husband is 1) A FOOL, 2) IMMATURE and 3) A LYING SACK OF ****. He doesn't love you and only tells you that so he can use you as plan B in case the high school ho doesn't work out.

I'm sorry you were duped for so long but make no mistake, you were DUPED. The WORST thing you can do is give him another chance. File for divorce and let him have the trash.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou

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post #38 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:11 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Fairly common unfortunately....

Bored spouse looks up old girlfriend / boyfriend on social media, they start reminiscing, remembering all the "good times", start to lust after each other and next thing you know they are throwing their entire marriage(s) down the toilet for some teenage infatuation.

You're husband is 1) A FOOL, 2) IMMATURE and 3) A LYING SACK OF ****. He doesn't love you and only tells you that so he can use you as plan B in case the high school ho doesn't work out.

I'm sorry you were duped for so long but make no mistake, you were DUPED. The WORST thing you can do is give him another chance. File for divorce and let him have the trash.
Did I hear mention that the husband was a lawyer? That would cover 1,2 and 3 pretty well.
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post #39 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:21 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Yes, it is helping her to ask her to consider how the marriage was prior to husband cheating. It is relevant and timely. And necessary if OP decided to R.
I guess you missed the part where the Ops husband is leaving her and has the new girlfriend (which was an old girlfriend) and who has no intention of returning.

What do you expect her to do, throw herself at his feet an apologize for all the things she did wrong in the relationship and beg him to leave his girlfriend and come back to her?

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Attempts to stifle advice you deem different does not help. If you think the advice is against forum rules or unsupportive of the OP, use the report function. A mod is already here.
Unfortunately there's no forum rule against giving bad advice.
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post #40 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:56 PM
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28 years of beautiful lies

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post #41 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Yes the state he lives in is a no fault state and I have been advised to let him file first because I am indigent. He does not want us to go through attorneys because he says they would make us hate one another. He says that he wants to go to mediation with me because he cant stand the thought of never talking with me and that we need to maintain some kind of connection different from the one we had 5 months ago because we have children and one day they'll get married and have grandchildren and we need to be able to share that together. I just think he concerned about providing a life with the new gf , its funny he actually said that we should meet that we would be friends cause we have a lot in common. I think NOT I myself would never do this to another woman.
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post #42 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:16 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

First off, I'm really sorry that you're going through this. Without reading any of the replies, I would say to count your lucky stars that he chose to reveal this to you when he did instead of waiting another number of years. Not saying that this is right, but if I were you I would file for divorce; do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?
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post #43 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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I have. Several times. In fact, you have posted this same thing to me before. I guess I'm just not one of the people who believes "everything" is the cheater's fault. I do believe that the choice to cheat is on the cheater. But I also believe that both spouses have a part in creating the environment that it happened in. Man or woman.

I also find it interesting that a lot of people say that if you're in a bad marriage then you should leave before cheating. But when people come on here saying they left or a spouse has their spouse leave, then they're still the bad guy.
I basically agree with this. The only person responsible for cheating, is the cheater. But that often when a person cheats it's because some need of theirs is not being met by their spouse. However, it does not always mean that the BS was a bad spouse. Sometimes people have needs that no spouse could every meet.

I don't see anyone calling the OP's husband a bad guy for leaving her. We don't know the dynamics of the relationship and what is driving him. The issue is not that he has decided that he would be better divorce, the issue is his cheating.
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post #44 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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I don't necessarily think any differently. I just hope that you can be introspective and try to examine your part of the marriage dynamic. Maybe not. Maybe you are a saint who was simply blindsided.
I noticed that you are currently married and you have been married for as many years as myself. I'm still married by the way even if my husband is acting as if he's not. Would you tell your current wife if you had these feelings or lack of feelings for her at this point in your marriage or would you have addressed them 25 years ago before you both decided to have children? I am by no means perfect and I'm sure there are many ways I could have improved my self in my marriage, but I am not a mind reader. I could not have addressed this issue with my husband if it was not presented to me. I noticed your name so I know that you must understand the concept of being a work in progress. I would not know this in the way you seem to be attacking me with your undertones of pointing the finger. I asked for all in put but you could be a little less critical of me and try to help me to understand your point of view. You have the ability to help someone in a positive manner to make sense of a horrible situation be it what I would want to hear or not but your just plain mean and unthoughtful.
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post #45 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:31 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Yes the state he lives in is a no fault state and I have been advised to let him file first because I am indigent. He does not want us to go through attorneys because he says they would make us hate one another. He says that he wants to go to mediation with me because he cant stand the thought of never talking with me and that we need to maintain some kind of connection different from the one we had 5 months ago because we have children and one day they'll get married and have grandchildren and we need to be able to share that together. I just think he concerned about providing a life with the new gf , its funny he actually said that we should meet that we would be friends cause we have a lot in common. I think NOT I myself would never do this to another woman.
What are the laws like where he is moving in regards to alimony, child support, and assets? Basically is he going to get a much better settlement because of this move? If so, you can file where you live now and the laws of where you live now will determine the outcome of the divorce.

Of course he does no want to have your own representation. He wants to control you and the outcome of the divorce.

You can have attorneys and still remain on speaking terms. All you have to do is to tell your attorneys that you do not want a big fight.

You said that he earns less than 30K a year. Is really anything to fight over anyway?

I agree with your not wanting to meet this woman. I'd put a stop to that nonsense in a heart beat.
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