28 years of beautiful lies - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

User Tag List

 300Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #46 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:41 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 170
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

It takes two to make it; it takes two to break it!

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
Again, he NEVER suggested OP was at fault for the cheating. He suggested she look into her role in the martial dynamics. This is a requirement if there is any hope for a R.


Ursula is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #47 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:44 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 911
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

How much does he weigh now? Did he lose a bunch of weight and think he can get a better looking wife now? Does he get skin removal surgery?

What a bizarre story... an attorney that can't handle the stress and goes to a $30k job and loses everything? That doesn't make any sense. How is losing your house and living paycheck to paycheck not more stressful?
GuyInColorado is online now  
post #48 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:14 PM
Forum Supporter
 
blueinbr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 5,968
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

.

Last edited by blueinbr; 03-16-2017 at 05:00 PM.
blueinbr is offline  
 
post #49 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:25 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 31,520
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
Are you saying she contributed to the failed marriage?
Let's stop the thread jack about whether or not a betrayed spouse is responsible for causing their spouse to cheat. If you and others want to discuss this, start your own thread.

Yes, it is always good for a person to look at their contribution to marital problems. But that is not going to help the OP deal with the fact that her husband has moved on with another woman and going to divorce her. She needs to get through the immediate issues in her life.

Continuing arguments between posters about this topic will grounds for some time-out bans.

{speaking as a moderator}
EleGirl is online now  
post #50 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:28 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 26
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ursula View Post
It takes two to make it; it takes two to break it!
I agree but you have to be honest with your partner about your feelings and unfortunately for me my husband told me he was a coward and was fearful of losing me if he told me the truth 25 years ago. He was right I spent more than half my life with someone who lead me to believe that he loved me. Had I been faced with his truth we may or may not have remained together. It would have been then that it would take two to make it or break it. Thank you for your point of view I know that any marriage takes work and growth and I accept any down falls on my part but I was at least honest about my true feelings good or bad throughout the marriage.
28years is online now  
post #51 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:38 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 31,520
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

28years,

You don't work outside the home do you? Have you looked into getting any kind of training, or a job?

If he is divorcing you, why are you moving to the state where is he now?
EleGirl is online now  
post #52 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:45 PM
Member
 
BetrayedDad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,954
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
What a bizarre story... an attorney that can't handle the stress and goes to a $30k job and loses everything? That doesn't make any sense.
Funny, you just read my mind. Don't forget, a family of 7 too....

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
BetrayedDad is offline  
post #53 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:49 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,442
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by 28years View Post
Yes the state he lives in is a no fault state and I have been advised to let him file first because I am indigent. He does not want us to go through attorneys because he says they would make us hate one another. He says that he wants to go to mediation with me because he cant stand the thought of never talking with me and that we need to maintain some kind of connection different from the one we had 5 months ago because we have children and one day they'll get married and have grandchildren and we need to be able to share that together. I just think he concerned about providing a life with the new gf , its funny he actually said that we should meet that we would be friends cause we have a lot in common. I think NOT I myself would never do this to another woman.
Please, for the love of God, do NOT LISTEN to your cheating husband. He's made it clear by his actions that his interests lie ONLY with HIMSELF. He does not care about your well-being, no matter what he SAYS.
You need to get a lawyer, take him to court, and get what is fair. I think in this case, since he is claiming that he never loved you (he tricked you into marrying him), that you deserve MORE than an equal portion of assets. And I wouldn't say that very often.

HOWEVER, please don't accept from your despicable, low character husband that he never loved you. I truly don't think that is even in the ballpark of being true. It's possible, but unlikely. He wasn't forced to marry you. He loved you and wanted to marry you. Cheaters can't stand the fact that they have no honor. They have to justify the cheating to THEMSELVES, which is impossible if they admit to themselves that they loved you EVER. It's incredibly, fantastically common for cheaters to say this and it's TOTAL BS. My ex wife told me this. Told me that I always loved her more than she loved me. LOL, I guess that's why for 4 years when I wouldn't ask her to marry me, she literally begged me to marry her.

DOn't listen to your self-serving soon-to-be-ex husband (I hope, for your sake).
Get a lawyer, get what you deserve in this divorce. I believe everything he suggests you do and sign will be for his benefit, not yours. It's not like he hasn't shown you that you don't matter to him.

Betrayed DAD has it exactly correct: He always had interest in his ex gf. He contacted her or she contacted him, they both still had feelings, he developed this fantasy in his head, and decided to divorce you.
Based on what happened here with an ex and what you said he told you, I truly don't think you are at fault whatsoever .

I assure you that if you were at fault even a little, his little cheating mind would amplify your faults in the marriage x 1000 so that he could justify his own rotten actions even more.

Hold your head up. Divorce this "man". Move on and find a good, loyal man.

I know giving up the hope that your life will go back to pre-infidelity is hard, acceptance is hard. But that is what you need--- acceptance. ONce you accept this as reallity, you will almost immediately get better and happier.

Praying for you and hoping your pain leaves you as soon as possible.
Evinrude58 is online now  
post #54 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:55 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1,456
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

never mind

Last edited by browser; 03-13-2017 at 09:56 PM.
browser is offline  
post #55 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:55 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 26
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
What are the laws like where he is moving in regards to alimony, child support, and assets? Basically is he going to get a much better settlement because of this move? If so, you can file where you live now and the laws of where you live now will determine the outcome of the divorce.

Of course he does no want to have your own representation. He wants to control you and the outcome of the divorce.

You can have attorneys and still remain on speaking terms. All you have to do is to tell your attorneys that you do not want a big fight.

You said that he earns less than 30K a year. Is really anything to fight over anyway?

I agree with your not wanting to meet this woman. I'd put a stop to that nonsense in a heart beat.
Hi Elegirl,

Thank you for you input on my situation I believe you are right about my husband trying to control the outcome of the divorce. I am by no means trying to bash my husband even though he himself told me that he lied to me about the way he loved me for the last 28 years. I love my husband and he has expressed to me that this is difficult for him because he loves me deeply even if it is not the way I warrant. He did earn 30 thousand a year but has since relocated and works making over 75 thousand a year. I had my reservations about coming on to this site but figured it would help me to let go of the man I thought I was in love with. I just feel myself slipping into this depression and the doctors are quick to hand out a pill to you for depression and anxiety. I just wanted to talk with possible people who have gone through a similar situation that could share with me one side or the other if you can understand. Its so easy to play the blame game but its not really about that for me its like death. I am losing the love of my life, someone I admired and had so much respect for and that I believed loved me just a genuinely as I love him. I mean I chose to bring five human beings into this world with this person. My kids were not just a product of my marriage they were thought out and discussed and wanted by both of us. I'm just trying to understand how I ended up here at 49 years old and try not to blame myself. I wanted to find the fault in myself so I could say here let me fix it but I my heart I know that its not that . My husband even said that the problem is with him that he has never doubted my love or devotion to him. Maybe this was a bad idea for me. Thank you so much for your kindness and valuable input.

28years is online now  
post #56 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:59 PM
Member
 
WorkingOnMe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Washington State
Posts: 5,947
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by 28years View Post
I noticed that you are currently married and you have been married for as many years as myself. I'm still married by the way even if my husband is acting as if he's not. Would you tell your current wife if you had these feelings or lack of feelings for her at this point in your marriage or would you have addressed them 25 years ago before you both decided to have children? I am by no means perfect and I'm sure there are many ways I could have improved my self in my marriage, but I am not a mind reader. I could not have addressed this issue with my husband if it was not presented to me. I noticed your name so I know that you must understand the concept of being a work in progress. I would not know this in the way you seem to be attacking me with your undertones of pointing the finger. I asked for all in put but you could be a little less critical of me and try to help me to understand your point of view. You have the ability to help someone in a positive manner to make sense of a horrible situation be it what I would want to hear or not but your just plain mean and unthoughtful.


I'm sorry you feel attacked by my questions. I'll stop talking now.
WorkingOnMe is online now  
post #57 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 04:00 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 757
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, 28years! You should consult with a lawyer and see what your rights are and what protections you should have in place for you and your kids. I tend to agree with the advice EleGirl has given you about moving forward with the divorce and letting him and the OW face the real world instead of living in a fantasy world.

You have done all you can to support him in your marriage. This affair is all on him - and is about his issues, not yours. You need to protect yourself and your children now. You can treat him with respect and dignity, but you don't have to go along with what he tells you to do. Carefully weigh your decisions and choices and do what is best for you.

You can't control him, or change him, but you can show him what he is loosing - and that's you and his family life. Give him a strong dose of reality. He seems to have this fantasy that you are still going to be in his life as a friend and in a way he can have both of you - and a happy family. Time to blow his fantasy up!

Good luck
mary35 is offline  
post #58 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 04:02 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,442
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Yes, do not lower your dignity by even acknowledging the presence/existence of this sad person that contributed to the breakup of a 28 year marriage involving 5 children. A person of character would just say no matter what that they wanted no part in that. You would like her? You had things in common with her? Yeah, you have something in common with her, alright. ANd it's something no wife would want to have in common.

I hope you stay here and get some input from people who have been through this before. It's the toughest thing there is in life.
ANd it is very similar to a death, but it's worse in my opinion because every time you see or think about that person, it all comes back in your mind, and is reinforced because you are physically having to look at the person going on with their life like YOU are the one that died.

You can get past this. It's awful. But He has other plans for your life, and it's likely something better than you could ever imagine. That's my hope, anyway.
Evinrude58 is online now  
post #59 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 04:08 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 26
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
See the link to the 180 in my signature block below.

In my signature block there is also a link to a book "Surviving an Affair". I think that book might be helpful to you.

In the book it talks about Plan A and Plan B. Plan A is what you do when you first find out about the affair. The author suggests that Plan A last for about 2 weeks. You are beyond that stage. Plan B is about the same as the 180. The idea is that it is time for you to protect yourself while the affair is in progress.

Now on the topic of you meeting your husband's needs. From the additional info you gave about your husband leaving his practice as a lawyer to work for far too little money to support you and your children, his weight problems, etc. it's pretty clear that he has not been a happy camper all these years. I don't mean not happy with you and your marriage. I mean not happy with himself.

He has probably felt inadequate and sucked it up. In this life, people are responsible for their own happiness. There is probably nothing that you could have done to 'fix' him. That was up to him. My bet is that what happened with this affair was that I has allowed him to return mentally to 15/16 years old where he had no responsibilities. The entire affair is a fantasy because he's back to a childhood love, has no real responsibilities to her. So being with her is just fun and a huge ego stroke. He does not have to look at her and feel like he let down a supportive/loving wife and a lot of children.

Affairs are about living a fantasy. The more you back out of his life and put pressure on his affair to fill his needs, the more likely that the affair will crash. See, his affair partner start this affair agreeing to take on all responsibility like a wife does. Once all of that responsibility is dumped on her, once he has to pay you alimony and child support and share all assets 50/50 with you, the more likely it is that she will run for the hills.

Get the book. It explains all of this.
Thank you I think this is what I was thinking about when I came on here. Your absolutely correct and he himself said it to me. Thank you! This was very helpful to me.
28years is online now  
post #60 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 04:24 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 26
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
How much does he weigh now? Did he lose a bunch of weight and think he can get a better looking wife now? Does he get skin removal surgery?

What a bizarre story... an attorney that can't handle the stress and goes to a $30k job and loses everything? That doesn't make any sense. How is losing your house and living paycheck to paycheck not more stressful?
Hi Guyincolorado,

Yes he did end up losing a lot of weight and is very active now. He should have never gotten his degree in law because it was not what he wanted to do in life he did it to please his parents. I always encouraged him to do what he wanted but he had to learn the hard way I suppose. He is not the type of guy who cares about looks or at least that's what I believed but I was wrong about my whole marriage so at this point I just don't know. He has not had skin removal surgery. It is a bizarre story funny but when we were living paycheck to paycheck it was stressful but we were happy. He was happy with his job choice and my kids were happy even though we did not have much we had our family. I know now that he was still not happy because of my current situation but he never reveled his truth to me.
28years is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Husband lies a lot Renee0414 General Relationship Discussion 65 06-02-2016 09:05 AM
Hello B1 here, 4 years later and... B1 Coping with Infidelity 120 04-29-2016 07:16 PM
20 Years of Husbands insecurity Help Helpme01 General Relationship Discussion 18 12-10-2015 09:01 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome