28 years of beautiful lies - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

User Tag List
Bibi1031, EleGirl, Evinrude58

 377Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #61 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 04:24 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,998
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by 28years View Post
Hi Elegirl,

Thank you for you input on my situation I believe you are right about my husband trying to control the outcome of the divorce. I am by no means trying to bash my husband even though he himself told me that he lied to me about the way he loved me for the last 28 years. I love my husband and he has expressed to me that this is difficult for him because he loves me deeply even if it is not the way I warrant. He did earn 30 thousand a year but has since relocated and works making over 75 thousand a year. I had my reservations about coming on to this site but figured it would help me to let go of the man I thought I was in love with. I just feel myself slipping into this depression and the doctors are quick to hand out a pill to you for depression and anxiety. I just wanted to talk with possible people who have gone through a similar situation that could share with me one side or the other if you can understand. Its so easy to play the blame game but its not really about that for me its like death. I am losing the love of my life, someone I admired and had so much respect for and that I believed loved me just a genuinely as I love him. I mean I chose to bring five human beings into this world with this person. My kids were not just a product of my marriage they were thought out and discussed and wanted by both of us. I'm just trying to understand how I ended up here at 49 years old and try not to blame myself. I wanted to find the fault in myself so I could say here let me fix it but I my heart I know that its not that . My husband even said that the problem is with him that he has never doubted my love or devotion to him. Maybe this was a bad idea for me. Thank you so much for your kindness and valuable input.
Many of us here have been through similar situations. That's both the men and women who post here. So we get what you are going through.

The meds the docs want to give you are not a bad idea for a short time, 6 months or so. What you are going through is a situational depression. It's normal. The drugs get rid of the depression so that you can handle the hell thrown at you and get moving in the right direction. If you don't want to try the drugs, you can exercise. Some studies say that exercise is as effective as the drugs. And you could try the over-the-counter supplement Sam-E. In Europe it's used instead of anti-depressants all the time.

Right now you need to turn your focus to yourself. What do you need? What will make you feel healthier and get rid of the depression.

Do you have a good support system? Do you have family and friends that you can lean on? If not you need to build a support system.

And you need to take care of your children.

You have flown on an airplane, right? Do you recall what they tell parents who are flying with a small child? They say for the parent to put their own oxygen mask on first. Then after that put it on the child. Why? Because if they put it on the child first, the parent will pass out from lack of oxygen before they can get the mask on the child. So the parent and the child will both pass out and eventually die.

It's the same thing here. The best way for you to take care of your children, is for you to take care of yourself first. They need a strong mother, more so now than ever.

EleGirl is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #62 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 04:28 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,998
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

About your husband saying that he did not love you all this time. I doubt that it true. It's called re-writing history. Almost every cheater does it. The book I suggested for you to read discusses this in detail. Basically, a person's mind will re-write history to justify their current actions. Changes in brain chemistry that occur when they fall for their affair partner is what causes this. It's so common that there is a name for it... the "affair fog".

Your husband probably did love you all those years. The affair is keeping his brain so fogged up that he cannot see out of that fog. My bet is that one day the OW is going to dump his behind, his fog will clear over time and he will be left wondering what the hell hit him that he gave up his wife and children.

Last edited by EleGirl; 03-13-2017 at 05:06 PM.
EleGirl is online now  
post #63 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 05:56 PM
Member
 
2ntnuf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 13,989
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

I did not read your thread. I read your opening post and was just browsing when I noticed how long it is and that you seem not to have changed much. You are hurting. You are angry. You are sad to lose the dream you believed. You are distraught because you wonder what the hell you are going to do now. You thought you had it all figured out and all was well. You had your helper, husband, friend, and lover for 28 years, yet he was not who you thought he was, or he changed while you were living the life you wanted.

Do those sort of describe your feelings?


Quote:
Originally Posted by 28years View Post
Hi Elegirl,

Thank you for you input on my situation I believe you are right about my husband trying to control the outcome of the divorce. I am by no means trying to bash my husband even though he himself told me that he lied to me about the way he loved me for the last 28 years.
What happened? Why aren't you mad at him? It's okay to be mad at him. Depression is anger we turn inward on ourselves. You must realize it wasn't your decisions to do this. Your husband had options. He chose what he did for personal reasons, which tend to vary from person to person, but follow a pattern.


Quote:
Originally Posted by 28years View Post
I love my husband and he has expressed to me that this is difficult for him because he loves me deeply even if it is not the way I warrant. He did earn 30 thousand a year but has since relocated and works making over 75 thousand a year. I had my reservations about coming on to this site but figured it would help me to let go of the man I thought I was in love with.
Did you or have you been doing the 180? Have you exercised regularly? You don't have to lift weights. You can start walking or anything that is easy at first. Ask you doctor for a plan.

It seems you have been ruminating over what you did to cause this. Is that so? You did nothing to cause this. He was not man enough to walk out when he should have. He used you to be able to stay with the children and avoid child support payments, while planning his eventual escape. He is heartless and does not deserve another thought.

Whatever "you did", it wasn't enough for him to do this to you. This isn't the way you treat folks. Doesn't matter what happened in the marriage.

Again, he had choices and could have done other things. He chose to do this and forced himself to lose love for you because he could not man up and take responsibility for his feelings about his commitment to the marriage. He could easily have divorced.



Quote:
Originally Posted by 28years View Post
I just feel myself slipping into this depression and the doctors are quick to hand out a pill to you for depression and anxiety.
Of course you are slipping. You've been told all the things you did to deserve what you are dealing with. It isn't true. You did nothing to deserve this kind of revenge, punishment, retribution, judgement.

They know pills will help in the short term and the long term if that becomes necessary. Many who start them are weaned off after they get through some of this and feel stronger.

My advice is for you to go as soon as possible and talk with a phd level psychologist. You need the help. You have been "beaten up" at home and here. You were harmed by infidelity and then harmed by those who intended to help you understand from their point of view.

You have to start getting rid of the depression. Exercise and eating right will help. Get to a psychologist and talk. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help, if it is recommended.

Make an appointment today or tomorrow. Do not wait. You need to start healing.



Quote:
Originally Posted by 28years View Post
I just wanted to talk with possible people who have gone through a similar situation that could share with me one side or the other if you can understand. Its so easy to play the blame game but its not really about that for me its like death.
It feels like death. Your brain is in deep denial. You need to realize he was not good for you. If he was, he would have been honest with you and open. Life goes on. Life can be good after divorce. You have to make it good, just as you made your home good in the past. You are key to that. It's very tough right now because you are confused and it's fresh.

You may well have ptsd. You need help with that from a professional.



Quote:
Originally Posted by 28years View Post
I am losing the love of my life, someone I admired and had so much respect for and that I believed loved me just a genuinely as I love him.
You were mistaken. It's easy to fall in love and believe what you create in your mind, while choosing to ignore the little signs along the way. What you respected was a ghost or vision of him, which you created, in your mind. It was not real, or he would have done what you expected. Since he did not, that is proof enough that it was a belief you desired so much, you created.

That doesn't mean you are crazy. We all do it to some extent. Some of us, like me, can be fooled into believing as you do. It's hell to get out of. That's why I suggest seeing someone, a phd level psychologist.




Quote:
Originally Posted by 28years View Post
I mean I chose to bring five human beings into this world with this person. My kids were not just a product of my marriage they were thought out and discussed and wanted by both of us. I'm just trying to understand how I ended up here at 49 years old and try not to blame myself.
He isn't the man you thought. You believed in someone who never existed. Yes, you and he both wanted children. It was thought out. Good thing it was. You could be in much worse shape to divorce.

You don't need to blame yourself. It is his choices that got you here. He cheated. He wants to divorce. He deceived you for years. He could have been honest many times. I'm sure there were opportunities. He didn't take them cause he was more concerned about losing his money and seeing his children less. He could not man up and accept who he was. He had to deceive himself many times for this to work.

He had to choose, each and every time he was angry, or hurt, whether to say something and own up to his feelings, beliefs and goals. He chose to live his lie. It was not your lie. You were all in, as best you could.

Take solace in that. You did what you knew to do and was honestly in love with him. All he did was not out of love for you and had to bug him endlessly. He tortured himself and now he is torturing you and placing the blame where it does not belong.



Quote:
Originally Posted by 28years View Post
I wanted to find the fault in myself so I could say here let me fix it but I my heart I know that its not that . My husband even said that the problem is with him that he has never doubted my love or devotion to him. Maybe this was a bad idea for me. Thank you so much for your kindness and valuable input.
Get some help 28! You will feel better eventually. It takes time, work, some love for yourself and forgiveness for your lifelong mistake of believing your efforts were for you both.

In the end, we do things for ourselves. Yes, we do. Think about when you had a special party for someone who did not ask for it. Wasn't that for you as much as for them? Didn't what you did make you feel good about yourself? See what I mean?

Hang in there. Find that phd level psychologist and get some help as soon as you can. Don't let this go. You are not alone in this. Others have gone through something like it. Don't give up.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
2ntnuf is offline  
 
post #64 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 07:11 PM
Member
 
Blondilocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: SoCal
Posts: 3,683
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Your husband is telling you awful things in an attempt to justify his crappy behavior. Just go back and read your posts and you will see that:

a. he has always loved you (why would he be afraid of losing you 25 years ago if he didn't love you?)
b. two weeks before he dropped the bomb he was professing how much and how easy it was to love you
c. would a man have 5 children with a woman he didn't love and wasn't attracted to?
d. you need to file for divorce!
e. you need to tell him that you will not be 'friends'; you will not be hosting joint birthday parties; you will not be inviting him and his new Mrs to Thanksgiving and Christmas
f. you will not be celebrating any occasion with him and his *****
g. he will need to navigate his own relationships with his children as you will not advocate for him
h. you will not talk to him as you will require he keep all communication to e-mail so you will have a record
i. you will not consider taking him back because you won't have a liar and a cheat for a husband - you deserve better

Make sure you tell him that you will be consulting an attorney to determine how much alimony and child support he will have to cough up. Now, get mad! Get mad dog mad and make him understand that he doesn't get to **** on you & expect you to ask for 'more, please'.
Blondilocks is offline  
post #65 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 07:28 PM
Member
 
2ntnuf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 13,989
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Plumb Mad Dog Mean

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
2ntnuf is offline  
post #66 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:38 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 36
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Thank you 2ntnuf. I am working on me I go to the gym and do Zumba and have just started kick boxing fitness. I am trying to move forward even though it is my belief that God put my husband and I together for a reason. I am not ashamed that I believe in the sacrament of marriage but I understand that I am not the adulteress here. I am starting counseling with a therapist that my husband and I went to when he revealed that he had started an emotional affair with the OW. You have made a lot of valid points that I will probably read over more than once. I know my husband well and I know that he is infatuated with his fantasy love of this woman. But I also know that I can not allow him to treat me this way and if I allow this treatment then the only one I have to blame is myself. Hopefully this forum will give me the push I need. I just wish this was a dream but unfortunately for me and my kids its our reality. Thanks again

Last edited by 28years; 03-13-2017 at 10:37 PM.
28years is offline  
post #67 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:43 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 36
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
Your husband is telling you awful things in an attempt to justify his crappy behavior. Just go back and read your posts and you will see that:

a. he has always loved you (why would he be afraid of losing you 25 years ago if he didn't love you?)
b. two weeks before he dropped the bomb he was professing how much and how easy it was to love you
c. would a man have 5 children with a woman he didn't love and wasn't attracted to?
d. you need to file for divorce!
e. you need to tell him that you will not be 'friends'; you will not be hosting joint birthday parties; you will not be inviting him and his new Mrs to Thanksgiving and Christmas
f. you will not be celebrating any occasion with him and his *****
g. he will need to navigate his own relationships with his children as you will not advocate for him
h. you will not talk to him as you will require he keep all communication to e-mail so you will have a record
i. you will not consider taking him back because you won't have a liar and a cheat for a husband - you deserve better

Make sure you tell him that you will be consulting an attorney to determine how much alimony and child support he will have to cough up. Now, get mad! Get mad dog mad and make him understand that he doesn't get to **** on you & expect you to ask for 'more, please'.
Wow that was powerful! Why do you think that I am not mad at him? I know I should be soooo angry I guess this is a question for Thursday with the counselor. Thank you I am really starting to feel empowered from the encouragement.
28years is offline  
post #68 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:52 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 2,519
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Could be a brain tumor


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
TheTruthHurts is online now  
post #69 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:54 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Hope Shimmers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: US
Posts: 480
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

I don't think you have reached the 'anger' stage yet. The stages of grief or loss are:

1) Shock/denial
2) Pain
3) Anger/bargaining
4) Depression/loneliness
5) The upward turn
6) Reconstruction
7) Acceptance

They don't necessarily happen in that order, and people can go backwards after moving forward, but after 28 years it's going to take you awhile to get there. I think you are in stages 1 and 2 now. The anger will come.
Hope Shimmers is offline  
post #70 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:54 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,864
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

You are so emotionally blown up that you are probably too numb to feel the appropriate emotions.

As said, it will eventually come.

Evinrude58 is offline  
post #71 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:47 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 2,958
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
I have. Several times. In fact, you have posted this same thing to me before. I guess I'm just not one of the people who believes "everything" is the cheater's fault. I do believe that the choice to cheat is on the cheater. But I also believe that both spouses have a part in creating the environment that it happened in. Man or woman.

I also find it interesting that a lot of people say that if you're in a bad marriage then you should leave before cheating. But when people come on here saying they left or a spouse has their spouse leave, then they're still the bad guy.
I agree with you, both parties contribute to the marriage dynamics but for God's sake this woman is hurting, do the few of you guys really have to jump in and immediately identify her as the cause of it? You really don't have a clue. Don't you think she has been pondering this over and over? It sounds to me, he doesn't want the responsibility and found an opportunity to dump wife and family and live like a teenager again. He is having a mid life crisis from which he will wake up and perhaps it will be too late.
aine is online now  
post #72 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 12:48 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 2,958
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
How much does he weigh now? Did he lose a bunch of weight and think he can get a better looking wife now? Does he get skin removal surgery?

What a bizarre story... an attorney that can't handle the stress and goes to a $30k job and loses everything? That doesn't make any sense. How is losing your house and living paycheck to paycheck not more stressful?
To my mind it says a lot about the type of man he is, he is a teenager in a man's body.
aine is online now  
post #73 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:10 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 2,958
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
Your husband is telling you awful things in an attempt to justify his crappy behavior. Just go back and read your posts and you will see that:

a. he has always loved you (why would he be afraid of losing you 25 years ago if he didn't love you?)
b. two weeks before he dropped the bomb he was professing how much and how easy it was to love you
c. would a man have 5 children with a woman he didn't love and wasn't attracted to?
d. you need to file for divorce!
e. you need to tell him that you will not be 'friends'; you will not be hosting joint birthday parties; you will not be inviting him and his new Mrs to Thanksgiving and Christmas
f. you will not be celebrating any occasion with him and his *****
g. he will need to navigate his own relationships with his children as you will not advocate for him
h. you will not talk to him as you will require he keep all communication to e-mail so you will have a record

i. you will not consider taking him back because you won't have a liar and a cheat for a husband - you deserve better

Make sure you tell him that you will be consulting an attorney to determine how much alimony and child support he will have to cough up. Now, get mad! Get mad dog mad and make him understand that he doesn't get to **** on you & expect you to ask for 'more, please'.

in particular with the bolded.

He has ran over you with a juggernaut and wants to be "friends", even enemies do not treat their enemies like this. You must go no contact completely, let him feel and see what it is like to not have you in his life (do the 180 hard), let him be responsible for his own relationships with the children, if they do not want a relationship with him then that is HIS problem, not yours. Take care of yourself and act like he no longer exists, you must put yourself first from here on out.

He thinks he can simply walk into a breezy life with the OW and not have to deal with the wreckage he has left in his wake, don't make it easy for him.
aine is online now  
post #74 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:12 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 2,958
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by 28years View Post
Wow that was powerful! Why do you think that I am not mad at him? I know I should be soooo angry I guess this is a question for Thursday with the counselor. Thank you I am really starting to feel empowered from the encouragement.
You haven't got to the anger stage yet because you are in a state of shock at the reality of what he has done. No doubt the anger will come, then the grief, it is a cycle.
aine is online now  
post #75 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:47 PM
Forum Supporter
 
3Xnocharm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 6,079
Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Quote:
Originally Posted by aine View Post

in particular with the bolded.

He has ran over you with a juggernaut and wants to be "friends", even enemies do not treat their enemies like this. You must go no contact completely, let him feel and see what it is like to not have you in his life (do the 180 hard), let him be responsible for his own relationships with the children, if they do not want a relationship with him then that is HIS problem, not yours. Take care of yourself and act like he no longer exists, you must put yourself first from here on out.

He thinks he can simply walk into a breezy life with the OW and not have to deal with the wreckage he has left in his wake, don't make it easy for him.
100% typical cheater approach. They dont want to be the "bad guy," they want you to be okay with them so that they dont have to deal with what a lowlife they really are. They dont want to have to face the fact that they ripped out your heart and destroyed your family.

Tell him to go to hell.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
3Xnocharm is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Husband lies a lot Renee0414 General Relationship Discussion 65 06-02-2016 09:05 AM
Hello B1 here, 4 years later and... B1 Coping with Infidelity 120 04-29-2016 07:16 PM
20 Years of Husbands insecurity Help Helpme01 General Relationship Discussion 18 12-10-2015 09:01 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome