I did not read your thread. I read your opening post and was just browsing when I noticed how long it is and that you seem not to have changed much. You are hurting. You are angry. You are sad to lose the dream you believed. You are distraught because you wonder what the hell you are going to do now. You thought you had it all figured out and all was well. You had your helper, husband, friend, and lover for 28 years, yet he was not who you thought he was, or he changed while you were living the life you wanted.
Do those sort of describe your feelings?
Thank you for you input on my situation I believe you are right about my husband trying to control the outcome of the divorce. I am by no means trying to bash my husband even though he himself told me that he lied to me about the way he loved me for the last 28 years.
What happened? Why aren't you mad at him? It's okay to be mad at him. Depression is anger we turn inward on ourselves. You must realize it wasn't your decisions to do this. Your husband had options. He chose what he did for personal reasons, which tend to vary from person to person, but follow a pattern.
I love my husband and he has expressed to me that this is difficult for him because he loves me deeply even if it is not the way I warrant. He did earn 30 thousand a year but has since relocated and works making over 75 thousand a year. I had my reservations about coming on to this site but figured it would help me to let go of the man I thought I was in love with.
Did you or have you been doing the 180? Have you exercised regularly? You don't have to lift weights. You can start walking or anything that is easy at first. Ask you doctor for a plan.
It seems you have been ruminating over what you did to cause this. Is that so? You did nothing to cause this. He was not man enough to walk out when he should have. He used you to be able to stay with the children and avoid child support payments, while planning his eventual escape. He is heartless and does not deserve another thought.
Whatever "you did", it wasn't enough for him to do this to you. This isn't the way you treat folks. Doesn't matter what happened in the marriage.
Again, he had choices and could have done other things. He chose to do this and forced himself to lose love for you because he could not man up and take responsibility for his feelings about his commitment to the marriage. He could easily have divorced.
I just feel myself slipping into this depression and the doctors are quick to hand out a pill to you for depression and anxiety.
Of course you are slipping. You've been told all the things you did to deserve what you are dealing with. It isn't true. You did nothing to deserve this kind of revenge, punishment, retribution, judgement.
They know pills will help in the short term and the long term if that becomes necessary. Many who start them are weaned off after they get through some of this and feel stronger.
My advice is for you to go as soon as possible and talk with a phd level psychologist. You need the help. You have been "beaten up" at home and here. You were harmed by infidelity and then harmed by those who intended to help you understand from their point of view.
You have to start getting rid of the depression. Exercise and eating right will help. Get to a psychologist and talk. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help, if it is recommended.
Make an appointment today or tomorrow. Do not wait. You need to start healing.
I just wanted to talk with possible people who have gone through a similar situation that could share with me one side or the other if you can understand. Its so easy to play the blame game but its not really about that for me its like death.
It feels like death. Your brain is in deep denial. You need to realize he was not good for you. If he was, he would have been honest with you and open. Life goes on. Life can be good after divorce. You have to make it good, just as you made your home good in the past. You are key to that. It's very tough right now because you are confused and it's fresh.
You may well have ptsd. You need help with that from a professional.
I am losing the love of my life, someone I admired and had so much respect for and that I believed loved me just a genuinely as I love him.
You were mistaken. It's easy to fall in love and believe what you create in your mind, while choosing to ignore the little signs along the way. What you respected was a ghost or vision of him, which you created, in your mind. It was not real, or he would have done what you expected. Since he did not, that is proof enough that it was a belief you desired so much, you created.
That doesn't mean you are crazy. We all do it to some extent. Some of us, like me, can be fooled into believing as you do. It's hell to get out of. That's why I suggest seeing someone, a phd level psychologist.
I mean I chose to bring five human beings into this world with this person. My kids were not just a product of my marriage they were thought out and discussed and wanted by both of us. I'm just trying to understand how I ended up here at 49 years old and try not to blame myself.
He isn't the man you thought. You believed in someone who never existed. Yes, you and he both wanted children. It was thought out. Good thing it was. You could be in much worse shape to divorce.
You don't need to blame yourself. It is his choices that got you here. He cheated. He wants to divorce. He deceived you for years. He could have been honest many times. I'm sure there were opportunities. He didn't take them cause he was more concerned about losing his money and seeing his children less. He could not man up and accept who he was. He had to deceive himself many times for this to work.
He had to choose, each and every time he was angry, or hurt, whether to say something and own up to his feelings, beliefs and goals. He chose to live his lie. It was not your lie. You were all in, as best you could.
Take solace in that. You did what you knew to do and was honestly in love with him. All he did was not out of love for you and had to bug him endlessly. He tortured himself and now he is torturing you and placing the blame where it does not belong.
I wanted to find the fault in myself so I could say here let me fix it but I my heart I know that its not that . My husband even said that the problem is with him that he has never doubted my love or devotion to him. Maybe this was a bad idea for me. Thank you so much for your kindness and valuable input.
Get some help 28! You will feel better eventually. It takes time, work, some love for yourself and forgiveness for your lifelong mistake of believing your efforts were for you both.
In the end, we do things for ourselves. Yes, we do. Think about when you had a special party for someone who did not ask for it. Wasn't that for you as much as for them? Didn't what you did make you feel good about yourself? See what I mean?
Hang in there. Find that phd level psychologist and get some help as soon as you can. Don't let this go. You are not alone in this. Others have gone through something like it. Don't give up.