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post #76 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 03:59 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

I think, because he treated you well enough that you felt safe planning for future events like children, dreaming of and maybe planning for retirement, purchasing things and doing things that were meant to last,......

..........and the fact that you may have had a clue, but refused to see it and pushed it way back in some deep recess of your mind, then you filled in the blanks with warm thoughts and voila!..........

You have this neat little package of memory and proof that allowed you to stay and be happy.

It's called denial, not, the Nile, mind you. It's powerful with those like you and me that believed while seeing things, having gut feelings, and/or hearing things that we should have followed up on, but didn't want to believe so we would not lose what we had.

Sometimes I wonder if I was treated so badly in the past, even with my parents(though, I think with them it would just have been a lack of attention or importance), that the little bit I got felt like a mountain. I haven't explored that in counseling yet. I will ask soon.

Do you know how hard it is to screw up like that, soooo big, realize, hear it, accept that it happened, when you are hurting so badly?

I believe that is where the anger is directed from toward yourself. "How could I **** up so badly?!"


"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #77 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 04:16 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Why can't it be that he had an important birthday (important to him) approaching and decided he wanted to play 'what if' so he looked up his high school girlfriend. Then, he decided he wanted a do-over and to hell with everyone else because he 'deserved' to be happy because he is a special snowflake and him and ex-gf have a lurve that was unrequited and God wants them to be together for all time because the world will stop spinning on it's axis if they don't **** and **** often.

Yeah, mid-life crisis and a serious case of me-itis. He doesn't know what unhappy is but he will when his little head stops dictating to his big head.

As she said, their marriage wasn't perfect but that doesn't mean she had a niggling thought in the back of her mind that he settled for her. Or, that he was putting on a good act of being happy.

I'll bet dollars to donuts that he had contacted the ex-gf long before he dropped the bomb on OP.
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post #78 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 04:38 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Why can't it be that he had an important birthday (important to him) approaching and decided he wanted to play 'what if' so he looked up his high school girlfriend. Then, he decided he wanted a do-over and to hell with everyone else because he 'deserved' to be happy because he is a special snowflake and him and ex-gf have a lurve that was unrequited and God wants them to be together for all time because the world will stop spinning on it's axis if they don't **** and **** often.

Yeah, mid-life crisis and a serious case of me-itis. He doesn't know what unhappy is but he will when his little head stops dictating to his big head.

As she said, their marriage wasn't perfect but that doesn't mean she had a niggling thought in the back of her mind that he settled for her. Or, that he was putting on a good act of being happy.

I'll bet dollars to donuts that he had contacted the ex-gf long before he dropped the bomb on OP.

This last sentence makes all the previous unlikely. It also makes it likely there were signs along the way, even before he contacted her.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #79 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 04:42 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Agree. The husband sounds like the male version of the walk away wife.
No he does not. A walk away wife does not have someone in the wings. She leaves, and is ALONE.

The op's husband is a cheater. He is living in unicorns poop skittles and vomit ice cream sodas land.

OP, I'm sorry that your husband has done this. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. If he was so unhappy, he should have been honest with you about his feelings BEFORE hooking up with another woman. The presence of another woman is a complete game changer.

My story is much like yours. My H "broke up with" the OW within 2 weeks of informing me he had not loved me in 5 years, and that there was no one else in the picture, he just wanted a D. Like your husband, he had been very loving up until then, although we had occasional normal disagreements. When my H broke up with OW, he came back to our family (me and 4 children at the time, 7 - 14 yrs old), and I took him back, I was so shell shocked, broken, and (throw up now) relieved he had "come back to his senses."

He now says he can't believe what he did, and the untrue hurtful things he said to me to justify it, and that marrying OW would have become a nightmare for him. (He got out of his nightmare, but my nightmare continued for quite a while after that.)

However, the damage was done (to our marriage, to me, to my trust.) He has spent the last 8 years trying to rebuild my trust, and I have spent the last 8 years trying to trust that what I see (him do) and what I hear (him say) are true. It is hard to forget the things that are said when they rewrite the marital history in an attempt to justify their affair.

What I should have done, is file for D immediately. Who knows, by now I might be happily single, happily remarried, IDK. At least I wouldn't be dealing with the reminders of the destruction caused by his affair and his hurtful words.

He apologized this morning because he realizes another permanent damage he caused, and he told me "One can't un-ring the bell" today. He says he wishes he could go back and re-live that period and do differently. But he can't. The damage was done, and I am now a different person as a result.

Elegirl is right. If you file for D, you don't have to follow through, but at least get it started. Take care of yourself first, and if you want him later, and he wakes up from his fantasy, you can take him back.

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post #80 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 04:45 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

No, it doesn't. There may have been signs but it doesn't make it the OP's fault that she didn't put 2 & 2 together.
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post #81 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 05:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

No I had no clue my husband was not in love with me I wish I could read you our letter during dating and while he was in Saud during war. All the cards and notes that he has written to me, the songs he sang to me the words he said to me. He stated that this is the way husbands are supposed to treat their wives and so it was easy. The man got me a picture of a tree with a heart with our initials and our wedding anniversary date on it. His last Valentines read..... I realized today I have loved you more than half my life. In that time our love has grown stronger each day. I'm looking forward to another lifetime of adventure with you, the love of my life. Your loving husband. When I say I was completely blindsided I was ....I am not in denial when it comes to my marriage before he decided to emotionally cheat. I may be in denial now but I'm sure its my brain trying to help me not have a complete break down. I know that I have no control over this situation except how I love myself and my babies.
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post #82 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 05:44 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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No I had no clue my husband was not in love with me I wish I could read you our letter during dating and while he was in Saud during war. All the cards and notes that he has written to me, the songs he sang to me the words he said to me. He stated that this is the way husbands are supposed to treat their wives and so it was easy. The man got me a picture of a tree with a heart with our initials and our wedding anniversary date on it. His last Valentines read..... I realized today I have loved you more than half my life. In that time our love has grown stronger each day. I'm looking forward to another lifetime of adventure with you, the love of my life. Your loving husband. When I say I was completely blindsided I was ....I am not in denial when it comes to my marriage before he decided to emotionally cheat. I may be in denial now but I'm sure its my brain trying to help me not have a complete break down. I know that I have no control over this situation except how I love myself and my babies.

28, my second wife purchased a $16,000 brand new motorcycle for me. I never asked for it. She talked me into taking it. I didn't want it. She slowly took me to look at them and talked like it was what she wanted.

She made appointments for me and I didn't ask. She hugged and kissed me. She bought me cards, wrote me notes, and shared her food with me.

I did as any normal married man would. I remodeled, painted, rewired, purchased her gifts, cards, and flowers. I took her to dinner.

All those normal things we did as a married couple, and more.

All because we loved each other.

While all this was going on, she was seeing other men. So, don't get me wrong, I believed she loved me. I felt it. I returned as much as I could, the love I felt she gave.

In the end, after all was said and done and I was able to think, I slowly started to see one thing here, one there and then more and more, that I never saw before.......or did I? I had to. I started remembering them, right? Well, the only answer was that I had to have disbelieved my own eyes, ears and gut. I had to have been in denial.

As was stated, it is likely he was doing something long before he actually took action. Who knows what that was? It may not matter, now. Denial would explain believing things and then being "slapped in the face" with this sudden reality. Very few make a decision like this without at least some forethought.

Then, maybe he was injured or damaged by the war? That would explain a great deal. Mental anguish caused by war can hide and come out at surprising times. It could explain the "sudden" change. Still, there would likely be signs that could be misinterpreted or rug swept.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #83 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 05:45 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Explain, "Step away from the cans." I don't speak street languages.
Given your over the top reaction to a rather mild post, I'm thinking "beer" cans.
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post #84 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 05:51 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

I am not blaming you for anything, 28. I want you to know that. All I am saying is, you are or were confused by the sudden change in him.

I only offer an explanation. I don't say it is gospel. I say, it happened to me. I also say, it happens more often than it doesn't.

That does not mean you are responsible in any way, for what he has done. I have not said that. I am not saying you could have done an iota of anything to get him to change his mind about what he did.

That may be where we are miscommunicating. He is responsible for his actions, not you. You can only hope to influence someone, but never control them.

That's all I have been trying to say. All I was doing was answering your question and trying to get you to see that it could not be your fault and that much of the depression you feel may be coming from anger toward yourself, as you slowly realize little things along the way.

Just remember, you could not have changed his decisions. He owns what he did, not you. See the difference?

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #85 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 06:08 PM Thread Starter
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I am not blaming you for anything, 28. I want you to know that. All I am saying is, you are or were confused by the sudden change in him.

I only offer an explanation. I don't say it is gospel. I say, it happened to me. I also say, it happens more often than it doesn't.

That does not mean you are responsible in any way, for what he has done. I have not said that. I am not saying you could have done an iota of anything to get him to change his mind about what he did.

That may be where we are miscommunicating. He is responsible for his actions, not you. You can only hope to influence someone, but never control them.

That's all I have been trying to say. All I was doing was answering your question and trying to get you to see that it could not be your fault and that much of the depression you feel may be coming from anger toward yourself, as you slowly realize little things along the way.

Just remember, you could not have changed his decisions. He owns what he did, not you. See the difference?
yes, and your right I am harder on myself than anyone could ever be, I feel so stupid! How could I not have known this or had a gut feeling. I guess the moment I decided to trust him completely I just accepted that he loved me as true and honestly as I loved him. He says that he loves me deeply even today but it is not the way I deserved to be loved. I think Mya Angelou stated it best when she said When someone shows you who they are, believe them first time. Only my husband only showed me who he really was 5 months ago and he broke my Heart.

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post #86 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 06:11 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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post #87 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 06:15 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Given your over the top reaction to a rather mild post, I'm thinking "beer" cans.
It is a reference from 'The Jerk'.
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post #88 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 06:15 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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yes, and your right I am harder on myself than anyone could ever be, I feel so stupid! How could I not have known this or had a gut feeling. I guess the moment I decided to trust him completely I just accepted that he loved me as true and honestly as I loved him. He says that he loves me deeply even today but it is not the way I deserved to be loved. I think Mya Angelou stated it best when she said When someone shows you who they are, believe them first time. Only my husband only showed me who he really was 5 months ago and he broke my Heart.
Thanks. Take the time to forgive yourself because you could not have known. You were in love and loved him as well as you could.

Now, get angry with him and take him for all you can. Get that divorce. Move forward and love yourself. Treat yourself well. You deserve it.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #89 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 06:25 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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yes, and your right I am harder on myself than anyone could ever be, I feel so stupid! How could I not have known this or had a gut feeling. I guess the moment I decided to trust him completely I just accepted that he loved me as true and honestly as I loved him. He says that he loves me deeply even today but it is not the way I deserved to be loved. I think Mya Angelou stated it best when she said When someone shows you who they are, believe them first time. Only my husband only showed me who he really was 5 months ago and he broke my Heart.
You are not stupid. It is called grace. You gave him grace. One person can do something and it means nothing if they keep their marriage vows throughout the years.

But a cheater can do the same thing, and then later cheat, and you realize that you missed cues to their character flaw that allowed them to justify cheating.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel. You will live, but you will be a different person.

Once I put the broken pieces of who I was and what my life used to be (in my own recollection), I threw that broken, re-assembled vase away, and bought myself a new one. My husband says he liked the old vase, but if he did, then why did he throw me away for a shank, if even temporarily? Why did he tell me things that broke my heart and caused me to question my own sanity? If he doesn't like my new vase, tough luck. I like it.

It will take time for you to heal, but you will find your new normal. You can PM me if you want to talk privately.

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post #90 of 139 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 06:37 PM
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28 years of beautiful lies

He is making a mistake and he is making it NOW. Only this time it's bigger and has much more impact. He has completely shut down his life of 28 yrs and made a joke out of it. He has kids and he's not only cheated on you but each one of your kids is affected by this horrid behaviour, which is unacceptable. By all means shut him down and get a divorce.
I know how you'd feel at this moment but THIS is the moment to give him a tit for his tat and staying emotional would only make you miss this chance, file a divorce and try to get a order from court so he doesn't contact you at all, unless you want to.


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