28 years of beautiful lies - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #91 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 06:56 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

File. It's the right thing to do. Hire a good lawyer.
Listen only to your lawyer.

You should not reward this betrayal by thinking you can nice him back.

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post #92 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:06 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Thank you 2ntnuf. I am working on me I go to the gym and do Zumba and have just started kick boxing fitness. I am trying to move forward even though it is my belief that God put my husband and I together for a reason. I am not ashamed that I believe in the sacrament of marriage but I understand that I am not the adulteress here. I am starting counseling with a therapist that my husband and I went to when he revealed that he had started an emotional affair with the OW. You have made a lot of valid points that I will probably read over more than once. I know my husband well and I know that he is infatuated with his fantasy love of this woman. But I also know that I can not allow him to treat me this way and if I allow this treatment then the only one I have to blame is myself. Hopefully this forum will give me the push I need. I just wish this was a dream but unfortunately for me and my kids its our reality. Thanks again
Your husband is living in a fantasy right now. As others said - "the fog" of an affair. As you can tell by this thread, no one, absolutely no one, would blame you for divorcing him and never looking back. But if you think you might want to save your marriage, that is a legitimate choice too. He doesn't sound that great on paper... but you have a long history and beautiful family and you believe in marriage. If you do want to try to save your marriage, get the book EleGirl recommended Surviving an Affair ASAP:
Surviving An Affair (you can get it on amazon too, but the website for the link I provided also has a forum where people will guide you through trying to kill his affair and save your marriage: Surviving an Affair - Marriage Builders® Forums.

Most affairs like he is in right now die a natural death within a couple years regardless. But there are things you can do to hasten the death of the affair outlined in the book/forum I recommended. The number 1 thing is exposing the affair to everyone far and wide, it's scary but effective in popping the fantasy bubble these cheaters are living in. There is a specific way to do it and I think you want to do it whether you want to save your marriage or not. After all, you don't want this high-school-***** to become a step mom to your children and show up at these weddings and graduations...

Elegirl also mentioned plan A and Plan B - Plan A is when you do all you can to be the best wife. It sounds like you are past that since he's in an open sexual affair with this tramp. So you probably want to go straight to Plan B - cut off direct contact with him - that will protect you from some of the pain this horrible affair is inflicting on you.

I am also a big advocate for anti depressants temporarily. They will not only make you feel better emotionally they will help you be much stronger and more objective as you go through this process. If you read up on them, yes they are a medicine, but they work with the natural hormone - serotonine - in your body, so, in my mind at least, it's not the same as taking a "medicine" like a blood thinner, it's more like replacing hormones/balance in your body that are temporarily out of whack due to the crisis you are in.

I'm really sorry that you're in this situation. Just know also that your husband is lying to himself when he claims he never loved you like he should have. That is typical fog babble from someone in an affair. Just like "You and my ***** would really like each other!" it's all nonsense to make him feel like less of a creep for what he is doing.

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post #93 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:09 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Watch your mouth. This is how I turned it around:

"..........and the fact that you may have had a clue, but refused to see it and pushed it way back in some deep recess of your mind, then you filled in the blanks with warm thoughts and voila!.........."
This is NOT a 'walk away husband' scenario this is a pompous cheater, rewriting history and blind siding the BW. How could anyone see it differently. If it was a male in this situation, I wonder would the responses have been different? I think they would have been, and that pisses me off no end.
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post #94 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:13 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Oh and PS - whether you want to save your marriage or not, I agree with those who say get mad and take him for all you can. You can always remarry him if it is meant to be between you. I would do everything possible legally to protect myself if I was in your shoes.

Let me rephrase - I should have done those things when I was in your shoes years ago - but there were no internet forums with advice back then and I didn't like conflict and didn't want to "hurt" my poor lying, cheating, alcoholic husband, so I let him walk with everything and asked for nothing. I don't think about him anymore except when I read threads like yours, but when I do, my biggest, deepest regret was that I did not have the self respect and dignity to say:

OH. HELL. NO.
You married me, you used me, and now I'm taking half of everything plus alimony, part of military service benefits, etc.

Last edited by WorkingWife; 03-15-2017 at 11:42 PM.
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post #95 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:16 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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I should have done those things when I was in your shoes years ago - but there were no internet forums with advice back then
@WorkingWife

Are you suggesting that people actually follow the advice that is given here?

I never knew that.
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post #96 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:40 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Filing for divorce will help the OP in moving on, and it will help speed the ending if the affair.

Either way, she wins with filing.

Letting him eat his cake is a dear knell for both marriage and the mental stability of the OP.

I will also ageee the antidepressants for a while are a good idea.
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post #97 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 10:34 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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@WorkingWife

Are you suggesting that people actually follow the advice that is given here?

I never knew that.
Well, I can tell myself that I would have done things differently and followed people's advice had I had objective people to bounce things off of when I was younger. Human nature being what it is, odds are I would have done what I was driven to do regardless.

However, I have followed some advice I've received online. I am in the process of following more.
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post #98 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 10:35 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

And when you go to the Doctor to get antidepressants, request a sleep aid if you are having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep due to anxiety. When you feel better, you will not need them anymore. Do not feel guilty or beat up on yourself for getting meds. People who have diabetes take insulin. People with high blood pressure take meds to lower their blood pressure. Why shouldn't a person who has had a serious trama that has affected their mental/chemical balance take a medicine to supplement what is missing?
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post #99 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 09:49 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

How are you doing 28 years? Holding up?
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post #100 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 10:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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How are you doing 28 years? Holding up?
I am doing better, sometimes I have moments but better than before. I feel bad for my kids because my H who was supposed to come home to help me with the house and visit my 2 youngest did not show up. He had some reasons (excuses) but the kids feel like the OW is more important then they are. Unfortunately I have no control over how he spends his time. He has not been home in two months and has spent six of those eight weeks with the OW. I still am praying he'll realize his colossal mistake but I'm not oblivious either. Thank you aine for asking funny he gets angry with me and tries to guilt me then he'll apologies and tell me he doesn't mean it and he is a jerk. I just wish I did not care or love him but I do.

Respectfully,
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post #101 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:21 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

I totally get the "how could I not have known?" My ex gave me the ILYBINILWY speech right before he walked. I was floored and was taken totally by surprise. No amount of talking could get him to try to save our marriage. So I filed. I wasn't going to hang in limbo, be his Plan B. That was 4 yrs ago. I may have trouble getting past my trust issues, but I am surviving. You will too. Hang in there.

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post #102 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:47 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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I am doing better, sometimes I have moments but better than before. I feel bad for my kids because my H who was supposed to come home to help me with the house and visit my 2 youngest did not show up. He had some reasons (excuses) but the kids feel like the OW is more important then they are. Unfortunately I have no control over how he spends his time. He has not been home in two months and has spent six of those eight weeks with the OW. I still am praying he'll realize his colossal mistake but I'm not oblivious either. Thank you aine for asking funny he gets angry with me and tries to guilt me then he'll apologies and tell me he doesn't mean it and he is a jerk. I just wish I did not care or love him but I do.

Respectfully,
28years
It takes time to fall out of love and move on.
Be sure to interact with him per the 180. (see link in my signature block below). It will help you heal a lot faster.

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post #103 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:12 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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It takes two to make it; it takes two to break it!


It takes two to make it, but only one to destroy it. Two people don't have to end a marriage, only one needs to file for divorce and it shall be granted.

It takes two to marry, and it takes two to keep the marriage going!


What is wrong with some folks around here?

This couple was married 28 years!!!!

Of course the marriage was not 100% perfect, What freaking marriage is?

It took him 28 years and 5 kids to figure out he didn't love his wife but the teenage girlfriend?

WTF!!!!!

This man is obviously in some sort of crisis of catastrophic proportions for everyone involved. He is a royal fool, but he is not alone. Sadly, there are many joining this guy everyday and it's not gender specific either.

Dear 28 years, you did nothing wrong to merit this devastation. If he fell out of love with you, he had the obligation to let you know what was wrong and you two could seek help. Instead, he tells you he doesn't love you and loves another. He made a nest elsewhere and that is why he fell out of love with you. You can't compete with the high of a new relationship. He is gone mad.

If it is not in your best interest to divorce your WS, then don't do it. Let him do the dirty deed. Some are too lazy to do the leg work themselves. I would think his retirement is more than yours and that alone would stop me from filing. Look into that. It is all business now and business has nothing to do with love. It's time to look after your best interest and not accept what he wants or needs.

It seems that for most of your marriage everything in that household was done HIS way. Well, it ain't his household anymore. He demoted himself by cheating on his family. He didn't only lie to you all these years, he lied to his children!

I would say good riddance, but not if it's NOT in YOUR best interest at this point in time.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #104 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 05:08 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

28 Years

Have you told your friends and his and your families?

Have you contacted a lawyer? Make sure you do, he could very well try and stop supporting you

Have you a support network? Good close friends or siblings? Why are you moving if you and he are not going to be together?

Please start the 180 immediately, start acting as if you are moving on without him.

He will regret all of this as his kids are watching and may never forgive him. Do not act as a barrier between the children and him, let him suffer what ever the fall out is.
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post #105 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 08:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

aine ,

Yes, I have told our families about what has happened. I have gotten advise from an attorney and know my rights and in the event that he decided to stop supporting his family I know what action to take. I don't believe that he would do that but then again I can never be 100% sure. I know that its hard to believe but despite what he has done to our family he is a good person. WOW, I don't even know if I believe this to be true anymore...........that makes me really sad I know we all are not perfect and we make mistakes but it hurts to know the person you respected and had such a high opinion of has changed in your eyes so much. I do have a good support network and they are aware of what I want and support me. I have no intentions of moving, I live in our family home with three of our five children and they deserve to have their world to be grounded as much as possible right now. I have my kids come over on Sunday's I make dinner and we just enjoy one another. I have been blessed with really neat kids each of them unique and so wonderful in their own way! I am not only acting like I am moving on without him, I am learning to move on. I want to save my marriage but I will not sit in limbo waiting for him to return to us(me) I know that it would not be beneficial for any of us. I have started therapy and I exercising and I'm becoming a healthy person inside and out. I try not to involve myself too much with my kids because I fully how they feel as I suffered myself growing up with the infidelity of my father with my mother. I do encourage a positive interaction but my words can not cancel out his actions. I am just painfully aware that when there is an OW involved it is a very difficult situation. He totally is blaming me for the fall out that has begun but the funny thing is I defend him when the kids say things because I do not want them to disrespect their father. I don't want them to regret the things they say out of anger but I fully understand it is not for me to make okay and that this is something that they must work through with him. I am only responsible for my actions and my relationship with them.


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