28 years of beautiful lies - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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post #106 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 09:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
It takes time to fall out of love and move on.
Be sure to interact with him per the 180. (see link in my signature block below). It will help you heal a lot faster.
Thank you Elegirl ! You have a special place in my broken world you have made an impact. I am grateful that I stumbled upon this site. Positive or negative it is good to have the opinions of those to draw upon and help you to evaluate your situation.

28years

PS

I am starting to practice the 180 more efficiently

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post #107 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 10:33 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Bibi, finger wagging is something you do to a toddler or a child in kindergarten; you don't do it to a grown adult. I'm sorry, maybe that was the wrong thing to say in this particular situation. However, I really do believe that it takes two... to marry, to make it work, and to break it. I think of my H and I. Neither of us are perfect, and both of us have done loads of wrong things in our short marriage. I don't love him, and am not sure if I ever have (because I don't know where that love could possibly go, so if it's not there, was it there to begin with?). I wouldn't physically cheat on him, but my heart and mind are elsewhere. Is it all my fault? Nope. It has taken 4 years of fails on both our parts for me to arrive here, so he's not in the clear either. I remain firm in my belief that it takes two. Now, if someone were to go out and bang someone else, or build a life with someone else, that's a different story.

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It takes two to make it, but only one to destroy it. Two people don't have to end a marriage, only one needs to file for divorce and it shall be granted.

It takes two to marry, and it takes two to keep the marriage going!


What is wrong with some folks around here?

This couple was married 28 years!!!!

Of course the marriage was not 100% perfect, What freaking marriage is?

It took him 28 years and 5 kids to figure out he didn't love his wife but the teenage girlfriend?

WTF!!!!!

This man is obviously in some sort of crisis of catastrophic proportions for everyone involved. He is a royal fool, but he is not alone. Sadly, there are many joining this guy everyday and it's not gender specific either.

Dear 28 years, you did nothing wrong to merit this devastation. If he fell out of love with you, he had the obligation to let you know what was wrong and you two could seek help. Instead, he tells you he doesn't love you and loves another. He made a nest elsewhere and that is why he fell out of love with you. You can't compete with the high of a new relationship. He is gone mad.

If it is not in your best interest to divorce your WS, then don't do it. Let him do the dirty deed. Some are too lazy to do the leg work themselves. I would think his retirement is more than yours and that alone would stop me from filing. Look into that. It is all business now and business has nothing to do with love. It's time to look after your best interest and not accept what he wants or needs.

It seems that for most of your marriage everything in that household was done HIS way. Well, it ain't his household anymore. He demoted himself by cheating on his family. He didn't only lie to you all these years, he lied to his children!

I would say good riddance, but not if it's NOT in YOUR best interest at this point in time.
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post #108 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 10:54 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Let.Him.Go.
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post #109 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 02:41 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Bibi, finger wagging is something you do to a toddler or a child in kindergarten; you don't do it to a grown adult.
You are probably right and my real life is showing as I have been an Elementary school teacher and counselor until I self retired from it less than a year ago. I apologize if this looked bad. I like emoticons and that one is particularly cute compared to I beg to differ or Not really IMO.

No marriage is perfect, but it a marriage deserves trying to save it until it is not salvageable. This man didn't even try. He simply decided, probably long before the speech and his affair that the marriage was over and that is 100% on him. 28 years was completely blind sided like many of us have been. Marriage is not even close to bliss most of the time, but couples navigate through it together as much as possible. The vows promised are indeed til death due us part in the majority of ceremonies. Those promises need to mean exactly what they say and not what we want them to mean at any particular time in our coupled journey.

We all have flaws, but that is why we make promises and work very hard to keep them. If we fall out of love, which indeed happens, It was our responsibility to keep our end of the bargain. If our partners are missing something in the relationship, this needs to be addressed in order for the other partner to fix what is wrong. The problem with people her WS is that they make decisions without consulting their spouse because in reality, a long term partner does not deserve being kept in the dark. You are supposed to have their backs and best interest at heart instead of building nest elsewhere.

THis is 100% on the WS regardless of the BS flaws. Why do so many cheat and take the cowards way out and then justify their actions when their really is no justification for being honest before disposing of the one you forsake all others for?

THe WS just hurt and destroyed something very precious due to selfishness and cowardice plain and simple. Anything else are just excuses that quite frankly makes their character look even worse. Their true colors emerge in all their ugliness.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #110 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:12 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Hey Bibi, don't worry at all about the icons; some are pretty cute, and I scrolled through them all. I may need to find an excuse to use the "All Hail" one :-)

And, I agree, no marriage is perfect, and to be honest, I haven't read all of the posts on this particular thread, but to be blindsided after 28 years would be awful.
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post #111 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:00 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

What's not salvageable in this marriage is that he has moved out and is living with his affair partner.
I'm kinda thinking when your husband moves in with his AP, one pretty much can't deny that it's high time for a divorce.

She should divorce this *******. Plain and simple. HE wants it! HE is asking for it!
Give him what he wants as quickly as possible. Just don't give it to him on his terms.
Get a lawyer and do what he says. But get a good one. Not some mealy mouthed wimp that won't take care of business on your behalf and wants to drag the divorce out as long as possible in order to bill for more hours.
JMO
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post #112 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 06:33 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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What's not salvageable in this marriage is that he has moved out and is living with his affair partner.
I'm kinda thinking when your husband moves in with his AP, one pretty much can't deny that it's high time for a divorce.

She should divorce this *******. Plain and simple. HE wants it! HE is asking for it!
Give him what he wants as quickly as possible. Just don't give it to him on his terms.
Get a lawyer and do what he says. But get a good one. Not some mealy mouthed wimp that won't take care of business on your behalf and wants to drag the divorce out as long as possible in order to bill for more hours.
JMO
I don't know about others, but if I would of known just how much of my first Xs retirement benefits I was going to loose, I most certainly would have seriously given divorcing his cheating arse serious thought.

A legal separation and stopping divorce proceedings would have been in my best interest monetarily at the time. If he really wanted a divorce, I should of made him do instead of completing the divorce process after he signed the separation agreement. Live and learn. My lawyer dismissed his retirment fund because I could not get SS benefits due to the law that excluded me when I was teaching and my retirement came from TRS and not SS.

I now put into SS and my Xs SS fund is much much bigger than my meager TRS. I just didn't know about that then. So when I turn 65, I can ask for His SS retirement and I will get half of what I would get if we were still legally married. I pretty certain that even half of his SS is more that my whole TRS.

My X didn't need to get divorced. He is happily single and states he will never marry again. "I could of had it all" like the Adele song states.



That truly sucks rocks for me and I don' want this happening to others.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #113 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 06:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
What's not salvageable in this marriage is that he has moved out and is living with his affair partner.
I'm kinda thinking when your husband moves in with his AP, one pretty much can't deny that it's high time for a divorce.

She should divorce this *******. Plain and simple. HE wants it! HE is asking for it!
Give him what he wants as quickly as possible. Just don't give it to him on his terms.
Get a lawyer and do what he says. But get a good one. Not some mealy mouthed wimp that won't take care of business on your behalf and wants to drag the divorce out as long as possible in order to bill for more hours.
JMO
Well he isn't exactly living with his AP because she's married/separated and has a child in the home and she wouldn't want her husband to stop paying the mortgage and all her other bills. So my husband stays elsewhere from my understanding. But regardless it does not change the facts. I will NOT file for divorce he will have to do that because it is what he wants. If he really wants a divorce like he says then he will finish dropping the bomb. Until then I will pray and move forward to healing myself from the pain that I am going through. Thank you for your opinion I appreciate it.

Respectfully,
28years
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post #114 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 08:28 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

You will never heal without totally letting him go, and moving forward. Trust me, I have been through it. All you're doing is hanging on to a thread of hope, and that hope will keep you in limbo and nothing but misery.
I know how badly it hurts and hate to see you stay in that.
I also understand how badly it hurts to let him go totally in your mind. Do what you feel is right, but be forewarned---- you're hurting yourself. Badly.
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post #115 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 08:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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You will never heal without totally letting him go, and moving forward. Trust me, I have been through it. All you're doing is hanging on to a thread of hope, and that hope will keep you in limbo and nothing but misery.
I know how badly it hurts and hate to see you stay in that.
I also understand how badly it hurts to let him go totally in your mind. Do what you feel is right, but be forewarned---- you're hurting yourself. Badly.
I am trying to let go and your right letting go in my mind will be difficult because I am in love with someone who does not feel that way for me any longer. I know that I am defiantly not the first to go through this and I wont be the last. Talking to others about it is cathartic for me so I really do appreciate the advice/opinions. I know that there are many if not all on this thread who are or have been where I am. I wish there was a way to shut off my emotions but my therapist says that I am mourning the loss. I have read and re-read all the advise I have been told please believe me when I say it is very helpful.

28years

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post #116 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 10:05 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Hey Bibi, don't worry at all about the icons; some are pretty cute, and I scrolled through them all. I may need to find an excuse to use the "All Hail" one :-)

I just did! I have to admit it is devilishly cute.

TJ over, sorry 28 years.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #117 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 10:48 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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I am trying to let go and your right letting go in my mind will be difficult because I am in love with someone who does not feel that way for me any longer. I know that I am defiantly not the first to go through this and I wont be the last. Talking to others about it is cathartic for me so I really do appreciate the advice/opinions. I know that there are many if not all on this thread who are or have been where I am. I wish there was a way to shut off my emotions but my therapist says that I am mourning the loss. I have read and re-read all the advise I have been told please believe me when I say it is very helpful.

28years
I think you are doing amazingly well considering the terrible situation your husband has created for you and your children! I also think you are doing really well at choosing the right path for you. I am glad you got info from the lawyer and are aware of what you need to do to protect yourself. Keep moving forward on taking care of yourself and your health and take it one day at a time. Hopefully with time, the emotional pain will start to decrease.
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post #118 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 04:03 AM
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Cool Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Late to the party, as usual, but if you have not filed for D by now, you're doing yourself a severe disservice!

He has forthrightly exhibited that he has little to no respect for you or appreciation for the near lifelong service that you've rendered up in being a most faithful wife to him!

Have a good family attorney advise you of all of your lifelong spousal property rights!

Sorry to see you here at TAM, but you've definitely come to the best place in the world for advise from people who have "been there!"

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #119 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 06:43 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

I've found that accepting they're gone is the hardest part. You won't heal until you can accept it's over. Most importantly, you're going to leave him get away with taking off and totally leaving you hanging financially.

He's basically told you not to get a lawyer. Anyone with a brain will tell you he's taking care of himself AGAIN and leaving your u out to dry.
Don't be in denial and think he's coming back. It's unlikely. Would you really want him after this? You'd never trust him again!

Divorce him before he rubs up debt or otherwise drains marital assets and leaves you with nothing. I guarantee you he's doing what he can to take assets and get them where you can't touch them, to prepare for his new life with her.
Your indecisiveness is playing perfectly into his hands. Your lawyer should be telling you these things.

You're sitting on your hands while your cheating husband is disrespecting you and he's going to leave you with nothing if he can.

I'm really sorry. You need to wake up.
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post #120 of 176 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 07:52 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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I suspect if you do some digging, your WH was already involved with her sexually long before he give you the I love you but not in love with you speech. You cannot nice him back into the marriage, however the reality is that he might wake up and realise that he is throwing his whole life away but you cannot make him stay in the marriage, I would suggest you give him what he wants. Go scorched earth on him. You can file for divorce, you dont have to go through with it, then start dating.

1. See a lawyer and file. ensure that financially you are covered, ensure you get as much as possible of him. Get a copy of all financial documents, talk to your lawyer about how to best proceed so that financially you have enough for retirement, too many women after dedicating their lives to husband and family end up in poverty when the H does something like this
2. tell all friends and family including teenage kids, it is his shame and burden to bear, not yours
3. You only know what he told you about the OW, try and contact her H as he may be in a false reconciliation with her
4. go and do things for yourself, join a club, lose weight, do yourself up
5. Do the 180 on him hard, kick him out of the house, let him have what he wants, she is not the same girl he knew before, so let him find out the hard way. Go no contact, all contact through a lawyer only.
6. You are going through alot now, get some IC for yourself.

One of two things will happen

1. he will see that far away fields are not green, that he has stupidly thrown away his wife and family for a fantasy that is not real. His mid life crisis has cost him dearly.
Then he will come running back, hopefully you will have moved on, will have enough self respect for yourself and will have found yourself someone who is worthy of you for he aint.

2. He genuinely is finished with the marriage and does not come back, If this is the case, you cannot win him back anyhow he is gone, but by then you have got over the trauma and are on your way to healthy healed life and ready to meet new and better things.

Sorry you are going through this.
they can have a peaceful and amicable split and they can even become just friends, there is no reason they cannot outside of a lack of maturity and reason. It may even be beneficial. BTW I see allot of older couples get divorced and then they end up back together. Nobody has ever given me a good reason as to why this is a good policy and it harms everyone, including the person who thinks they are gaining vengeance.
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