28 years of beautiful lies - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #121 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 08:38 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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I don't understand this post at all. It sounds like you're blaming her for him leaving her and their 5 children and having an affair with his old girlfriend.

Do you have some sort of agenda? Did someone do something similar to you?
Browser is pointing out that this man lost interest in his wife sexually and is trying to understand why. WH said that to her that he doesnt see her as a lover anymore.

I'm not saying that this is the case, but when husbands are taken for granted because they have always done their job, and dont receive the ego-strokes from their family, they will look for them elsewhere.

As a husband I'm in this boat now (and perhaps biased) but I'm starting to realize that a husband CAN get his stupid childish ego-strokes in a different way other than cheat on his wife. Being involved with people (such as groups with women) and recognized by them in a non sexual way is one way to get the strokes. It's not sexual, but it really strokes your ego!

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post #122 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 08:59 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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they can have a peaceful and amicable split and they can even become just friends, there is no reason they cannot outside of a lack of maturity and reason. It may even be beneficial. BTW I see allot of older couples get divorced and then they end up back together. Nobody has ever given me a good reason as to why this is a good policy and it harms everyone, including the person who thinks they are gaining vengeance.
No, it doesn't harm everyone. The person that betrayed his wife of 28 years may not get to take his toys and run, and he may not be able to hide the despicable thing he's done from others.

There's nothing wrong with putting the truth out there, getting a FAIR divorce as far as assets, and not having anything to do with this person ever again. Any person that would do this to their wife of 28 years that has been a good wife (we don't know, but from what the OP has said, her husband has SAID she was a good wife), doesn't deserve or should get to be "friends" with his wife. This is nothing that a friend would do. He has only thought of himself. He thought of himself when he allowed himself to dwell on thoughts of this other woman, himself when he started communicating and dating her, and thoughts of himself when he told his wife not to get a lawyer. He has thought only of himself in this whole deal.

To recommend her to have an "amicable" split so that maybe in the future they can get back together? I guess the amicable part is great if they can do it so that she doesn't take the financial screwing he's going to try to give her. He is going to try to do this, that's why he's telling her not to get a lawyer. If she doesn't, she's crazy.
I don't think she should try to mistreat the guy, because after all, she actually LOVES him. I don't think she should be vindictive. But she should try to take care of her interests at least as well as he is taking care of his.
She is losing her husband. I agree, if that's what you're saying, that she should show character and do things not out of revenge or spite. But she should NOT go easy on him because she's hoping one day they can get back together. She should not go back to this man. He's got no character.
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post #123 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 09:05 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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I've found that accepting they're gone is the hardest part. You won't heal until you can accept it's over. Most importantly, you're going to leave him get away with taking off and totally leaving you hanging financially.

He's basically told you not to get a lawyer. Anyone with a brain will tell you he's taking care of himself AGAIN and leaving your u out to dry.
Don't be in denial and think he's coming back. It's unlikely. Would you really want him after this? You'd never trust him again!

Divorce him before he rubs up debt or otherwise drains marital assets and leaves you with nothing. I guarantee you he's doing what he can to take assets and get them where you can't touch them, to prepare for his new life with her.
Your indecisiveness is playing perfectly into his hands. Your lawyer should be telling you these things.

You're sitting on your hands while your cheating husband is disrespecting you and he's going to leave you with nothing if he can.

I'm really sorry. You need to wake up.
28 Year .............I WAS down this road. I was divorced 5 months ago after 33.5 years. Evinrude is ABSOLUTELY right: You will NEVER be able to trust him again.

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post #124 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 09:13 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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He is not the type of guy who cares about looks or at least that's what I believed but I was wrong about my whole marriage so at this point I just don't know. He has not had skin removal surgery. It is a bizarre story funny but when we were living paycheck to paycheck it was stressful but we were happy. He was happy with his job choice and my kids were happy even though we did not have much we had our family. I know now that he was still not happy because of my current situation but he never reveled his truth to me.
He didnt say it because he didn't want to hurt you. At the same time he wasn't realizing he was sabotaging his marriage.
It's a trap many men fall into.

I wonder if you guys have ever had a conversation about this, like an open one, with questions like "Do you think our sex life has been affected by weight?".

Men dont know how to ask for things in relationships so that their needs a fulfiulled. My wife is constantly on my case about "If you want this just ask...", and she is 100% right! I, as many men, am afraid or unable to ask for many things. So we just stew, take care of things "on our own" and eventually come up with extreme solutions that destroy our marriages.

You have no fault in this, he did exactly what I almost did, but I'm working through this now with a therapist so I can transform myself instead of acting up and destroy a beautiful marriage.
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post #125 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 09:26 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Hi Elegirl,
I ended up here at 49 years old and try not to blame myself. I wanted to find the fault in myself so I could say here let me fix it but I my heart I know that its not that . My husband even said that the problem is with him that he has never doubted my love or devotion to him.
As a Confused Husband (lol) I know 100% the problem is HIM! Trust me, you have no part in it.
Just give him a couple of years when he will split with his current girlfriend. Then you will realize it wasn't about you at all .

You are a wife, not his bimbette that has to please him.
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post #126 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 09:59 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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No, it doesn't harm everyone. The person that betrayed his wife of 28 years may not get to take his toys and run, and he may not be able to hide the despicable thing he's done from others.

There's nothing wrong with putting the truth out there, getting a FAIR divorce as far as assets, and not having anything to do with this person ever again. Any person that would do this to their wife of 28 years that has been a good wife (we don't know, but from what the OP has said, her husband has SAID she was a good wife), doesn't deserve or should get to be "friends" with his wife. This is nothing that a friend would do. He has only thought of himself. He thought of himself when he allowed himself to dwell on thoughts of this other woman, himself when he started communicating and dating her, and thoughts of himself when he told his wife not to get a lawyer. He has thought only of himself in this whole deal.

To recommend her to have an "amicable" split so that maybe in the future they can get back together? I guess the amicable part is great if they can do it so that she doesn't take the financial screwing he's going to try to give her. He is going to try to do this, that's why he's telling her not to get a lawyer. If she doesn't, she's crazy.
I don't think she should try to mistreat the guy, because after all, she actually LOVES him. I don't think she should be vindictive. But she should try to take care of her interests at least as well as he is taking care of his.
She is losing her husband. I agree, if that's what you're saying, that she should show character and do things not out of revenge or spite. But she should NOT go easy on him because she's hoping one day they can get back together. She should not go back to this man. He's got no character.
How is she getting screwed ? if her husband is not filling for divorce, then go have her own affair, stay legally married and win the whole shebang, sometimes couples need to be apart to grow, and I hate to break it to you, but I have seen it happen so many times I have lost count.

you have no idea what the marriage is like, you have no idea why he has left the marriage bed, I think it is fairly honorable to leave the home and continue to support her, and you have to ask yourself, why would a man do such a thing ?

your only hearing one side, maybe shes a cold uncaring nonaffectionate **** and is rude and stomps her feet and throws tantrums, we do not know what happens in that home, to make judgements.

I am saying, stop telling her to financially gut the guy, first off, she is entitled to a portion of the marital assets, almost every state has laws regarding asset divestiture and they are all relatively fair, and stop making her position purely adversarial. that's YOUR anger coming into the conversation, and quiet honestly if you divorced, I can see how that came to be. Also think of the children, 2 Waring adults is not leaving the children with positive feeling about couples and relationships.
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post #127 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 10:09 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Well he isn't exactly living with his AP because she's married/separated and has a child in the home and she wouldn't want her husband to stop paying the mortgage and all her other bills. So my husband stays elsewhere from my understanding. But regardless it does not change the facts. I will NOT file for divorce he will have to do that because it is what he wants. If he really wants a divorce like he says then he will finish dropping the bomb. Until then I will pray and move forward to healing myself from the pain that I am going through. Thank you for your opinion I appreciate it.

Respectfully,
28years
I am going to STRONGLY suggest that you file. I know it isnt what you want, but its not about that. Its about protecting yourself and your kids. Filing puts you in control, and can help protect you against him doing something stupid (um, something ELSE stupid..) like running up debt you dont know about or getting into legal trouble in some way that YOU may end up being liable for. Plus it sends the message that you are not waiting around playing his game and letting him hurt you.

Think about this... what if he DID come back? That would make you Plan B. The OW is his first choice. How in hell would you EVER be able to trust him again?? He chose HER, he chose to hurt you and your children. He isnt deserving of a second chance if he ever came back around looking for it. And I can pretty much guarantee you would be right back in this position within a few years. He has shown you who he really is, so believe him.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #128 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 10:16 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Go ahead and file, this is not uncommon behavior for men at the end of child rearing, to go back and find the more exciting romances.
its also not uncommon for women
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post #129 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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its also not uncommon for women
they also strangely wind up back together again, I know of 10 couples who have done that.
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post #130 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 11:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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How is she getting screwed ? if her husband is not filling for divorce, then go have her own affair, stay legally married and win the whole shebang, sometimes couples need to be apart to grow, and I hate to break it to you, but I have seen it happen so many times I have lost count.

you have no idea what the marriage is like, you have no idea why he has left the marriage bed, I think it is fairly honorable to leave the home and continue to support her, and you have to ask yourself, why would a man do such a thing ?

your only hearing one side, maybe shes a cold uncaring nonaffectionate **** and is rude and stomps her feet and throws tantrums, we do not know what happens in that home, to make judgements.

I am saying, stop telling her to financially gut the guy, first off, she is entitled to a portion of the marital assets, almost every state has laws regarding asset divestiture and they are all relatively fair, and stop making her position purely adversarial. that's YOUR anger coming into the conversation, and quiet honestly if you divorced, I can see how that came to be. Also think of the children, 2 Waring adults is not leaving the children with positive feeling about couples and relationships.
DepressedHusband,

I understand that you have only my side of the story to go by but what would I possible have to gain by lying. I am most definitely not a cold uncaring unaffectionate*****. If I my intention was to come on this site to lie that would be pretty sick! I agree that it is fairly honorable to leave the home and continue to support his FAMILY. The truth is he does not have to support us but my H being an ex attorney and me being his ex legal assistant know that if he were to do that I would obtain counsel and have an emergency hearing to get alimony and child support and it would be far more than what he is taking care of right now.

I am a woman so I cant ask myself why would a man do such a thing but maybe you could shed some light on why a man(you being a man) would? As a woman I say guilt, guilt that you can go and spend time and money on some*****. Make excuses to your children as to why you haven't seen them in 2 months but have managed to see a complete stranger for six of those eight weeks! Oh and by the way he is completely oblivious or selfish to the fact that she gets to see her kids and her H takes her daughter while my dummy H is wining and dining her........??????????

My marriage was as I stated not perfect but a good marriage. Where there things that could have been better communicated on both sides of coarse. Please show me a marriage that is perfect or the marriage manual that they give you when you wed. Oh an let us not forget our vows that people today seem to take with a grain of salt, to love and honor in GOOD times and BAD, Sickness and health til death due us part. My husband and I performed those vows not once but twice because we were married when we were very young by a notary and then about 10 years ago in the catholic church.

What makes it okay for a H or W to come home and just say I don't love you the way I should so I'm out! I loved my husband to the best of my abilities the skills that I had entering the marriage and the skills and lessons learned throughout. I was there for him and him for me. There were times that we loved hard and times we did not. He admitted that it had nothing to do with the kind of wife I was. He tells me today that he knows that what he is doing is wrong but he must be true to his feelings. I simply am here on this site to help me move forward from a man and marriage that I had no idea until five months ago was in trouble and by the time my H decided to tell me he had already decided that he tried for years to change the things he felt on and off throughout the marriage. The only problem was he forgot to tell the person he professed to be the love of his life, his best friend and the mother of his five beautiful children. How can I openly discuss an issue that I had no idea existed?

I know there are people in this world who are psychopaths and would join a site like this to further their own sick agenda but that is not me. I have been as honest about my situation as possible and unlike some have faith in people to be upfront. Maybe that's why I'm in this situation I trusted when I should have not, I took my husbands love and words and allowed myself to believe that I had a wonderful life with an exceptional man who was a loving husband, father, man of faith and all around great man with an integrity we could look up too. Shame on me

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post #131 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 11:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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He didnt say it because he didn't want to hurt you. At the same time he wasn't realizing he was sabotaging his marriage.
It's a trap many men fall into.

I wonder if you guys have ever had a conversation about this, like an open one, with questions like "Do you think our sex life has been affected by weight?".

Men dont know how to ask for things in relationships so that their needs a fulfiulled. My wife is constantly on my case about "If you want this just ask...", and she is 100% right! I, as many men, am afraid or unable to ask for many things. So we just stew, take care of things "on our own" and eventually come up with extreme solutions that destroy our marriages.

You have no fault in this, he did exactly what I almost did, but I'm working through this now with a therapist so I can transform myself instead of acting up and destroy a beautiful marriage.
Well apparently we weren't having open conversations that included his truth of thinking about the OW on an off throughout our marriage. But to answer your question no we did not openly discuss how weight affected our sex life because it did not. We had sex, I do have five children with my H. Did the sex slow from time to time throughout the marriage yes it did. I can think of five things off hand that are two years apart that could have a little to do with that. And there was the time that he was having a hard time keeping an erection because he weighed over 350 lbs, but I would not say anything to him because I felt that it would be emasculating for him and did not ever want my H to feel less of a man. But I guess I should have called him out and said you better get that fixed cause I have needs. Perhaps that would have made me wife of the year to kick my H when he was down.

Let me address the taking your H for granted, I think that both men and women take their significant others for granted at some point and time. Some may say no but I suspect that they are not being forthcoming. It is human nature to take the people you love for granted at one time or another on that note....... I did take for granted that the love my husband professed to myself and my family was true just as he too took it for granted that the love I professed to him and our family was true. Just as I took for granted that my H would be the sole supporter of our family as we discussed. He too took for granted that I would stay home take care of the home, kids, cleaning, cooking, schooling ,shopping (running of the home). I did tell my husband that we appreciated all that he did and made possible for our family.

In a crisis I was Bonnie to his Clyde because I was raised to believe that where one person is week another is strong and it creates a balance. I am not a perfect woman and I don't proclaim to be. Did I love and support my man to the best of my abilities yes I did, did he do the same for me yes he did. Could there have been improvement in our marriage ?YES, But that is true for all marriages

I am glad that you have decided to not rip out your W heart by looking to another person to fulfill what is lacking and by all means I am happy for you and for her because when you could have turned left your turned right. My husband made a conscious choice to open a Pandora's box as he stated and was not willing to turn back and loose the OW again. I wish you only good things in life and in your marriage. I wish my husband had extended me the same courtesy.
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post #132 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 12:01 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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The only problem was he forgot to tell the person he professed to be the love of his life, his best friend and the mother of his five beautiful children. How can I openly discuss an issue that I had no idea existed?

I know there are people in this world who are psychopaths and would join a site like this to further their own sick agenda but that is not me. I have been as honest about my situation as possible and unlike some have faith in people to be upfront. Maybe that's why I'm in this situation I trusted when I should have not, I took my husbands love and words and allowed myself to believe that I had a wonderful life with an exceptional man who was a loving husband, father, man of faith and all around great man with an integrity we could look up too. Shame on me
Right! See the contraddiction here? He decided by himself, for himself without telling you anything. When he found out that he had an issue with the marriage, he should have worked on it with you, and tell you he wasn't happy.

The only thing you could have done all these years, is...NOTHING! Just kept loving him like you always had because you had no idea what was happening to him. So again the blame is on him. Why Shame on you?

Did he ever actually tell you WHY he wasnt happy? Exactly the reasons?
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post #133 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 12:22 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

Just an FYi,
I'm not telling her in any way to gut him financially. But as an attorney, he's going to use this time that she is deliberating divorce to hide assets that she is entitled to. He is asking her not to get a lawyer. Why?

As to him being a good guy and supporting his family and being with an affair partner?
He is doing that because he has to. As the OP stated, he's getting away with paying far less this way. Of course he wants it to stay that way. He'll pay a little to save a lot!

Saying I've got anger involved because I'm divorced and wanting her to gut him? That's crazy.
Yes, I've been through it and know how people think when they change their minds about a spouse and abandon them.

He is NO LONGER thinking about her welfare. He is thinking about HIS welfare.

If she just lets everything ride and doesn't divorce, she's going to be in a bind financially, or at least worse off. Her kids will lose and she will lose.
She will also lose the opportunity to go find another man who respects and loves her if she doesn't divorce.

I am not telling her to divorce and be vengeful. I'm advising her to take care of herself and her kids. Her husband does NOT have her best interests at heart. He's shown her that he has HIS best interests at heart.

I again strongly advise the OP to file. 28 years and he tells her he never loved her, but loved his ex girlfriend! That's fraud in my opinion. He robbed her of a lifetime with a man who would stand by her and love her. He is NOT a good guy. He is NOT supporting his family because he is a good guy. He's doing it because it's cheaper to keep 'er.
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post #134 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 12:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Right! See the contraddiction here? He decided by himself, for himself without telling you anything. When he found out that he had an issue with the marriage, he should have worked on it with you, and tell you he wasn't happy.

The only thing you could have done all these years, is...NOTHING! Just kept loving him like you always had because you had no idea what was happening to him. So again the blame is on him. Why Shame on you?

Did he ever actually tell you WHY he wasnt happy? Exactly the reasons?
Nope he said that it had nothing to do with me, that he never doubted the way I felt for him or loved him. That he was a coward and was afraid of hurting me and that even though he thought about this woman on and off throughout the marriage that he loved me deeply. He said it was him and not me. I just think of the things I might have said or done and think that should I ever be in another relationship down the road I address those things with that person. But unfortunately the only person I can think about loving now is myself and my children so we can move on and be somewhat "normal"

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post #135 of 177 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 12:42 PM
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Re: 28 years of beautiful lies

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Just an FYi,
I'm not telling her in any way to gut him financially. But as an attorney, he's going to use this time that she is deliberating divorce to hide assets that she is entitled to. He is asking her not to get a lawyer. Why?
This is important: he knows the law and how to get around it, you, OP, dont. I would get a lawyer, even a pro-bono one. A lawyer will not necessarily advise you to file for D. But I would run all this by him/her to see if there are any dangers you might fall into.

Quote:
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He is NO LONGER thinking about her welfare. He is thinking about HIS welfare.

If she just lets everything ride and doesn't divorce, she's going to be in a bind financially, or at least worse off. Her kids will lose and she will lose.
She will also lose the opportunity to go find another man who respects and loves her if she doesn't divorce.
It's only been 3 months so I guess there is still lot to process emotionally, but yes he will not look out for you anymore, sorry.
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