My husband and I have been married 27 years this July and together for a total of 28 years. Perfect marriage no but good marriage yes or so I thought. My husband came home to me on his birthday stood in our bedroom door and told me that he loved me but not the way a husband should love his wife. I was in complete and udder shock. There were no warning signs two weeks prior to this he was sending me love songs and telling me how he could love me forever and how easy it was because of what a beautiful person I was. He told me that he was a coward over the last 25 years and that he had realized I wasn't the girl for him but could never bring himself to tell me. We have five beautiful children ages 23 to 15. Then a month after he dropped this bomb on me he went on to tell me how he called his girlfriend of 30 years ago that he dated when he was 15 to 16 and that he just called her to apologize for breaking her heart, and then he told her that he had thought of her on and off throughout our marriage. He told me that he knows the right thing to is stay with me but he can not help the way he feels. He loves me deeply but he feels like the world could fall out from under him when he is with her. Our sex life was good, we talked about everything and anything, or so I thought. Everyone we know is in complete shock because they thought he adored the ground I walked on we were best friends and I am in disbelief. Fast forward five months he is now in a sexual relationship with her and she is married but separated herself. I believe in marriage and that it is a sacrament. I wanted to go to counseling but the minute he knew he would have to give her up he said he could not hurt her like that again. I know I should be angry and disgusted with his infidelity but all I can think about is the time I have invested in this relationship. We invested so much and were making plans for our retirement. He asked me to file for divorce and I refused stating that it is not what I want. He has not filed yet but has expressed to me he cant live with this other woman if he is married to me which is a laughable considering he is having sex with her while he is married to me. We live separately because we were relocating to another state. I am so depressed and am still in shock over what is going on in my life. Its almost like PTSD. Our kids are all angry and have lost respect for their father but they love him. He was an excellent father and husband I just am having trouble digesting what is going on. I feel as if my life has been a big lie and that I have been cheated. Any advise is welcomed positive or negative.
I suspect if you do some digging, your WH was already involved with her sexually long before he give you the I love you but not in love with you speech. You cannot nice him back into the marriage, however the reality is that he might wake up and realise that he is throwing his whole life away but you cannot make him stay in the marriage, I would suggest you give him what he wants. Go scorched earth on him. You can file for divorce, you dont have to go through with it, then start dating.
1. See a lawyer and file. ensure that financially you are covered, ensure you get as much as possible of him. Get a copy of all financial documents, talk to your lawyer about how to best proceed so that financially you have enough for retirement, too many women after dedicating their lives to husband and family end up in poverty when the H does something like this
2. tell all friends and family including teenage kids, it is his shame and burden to bear, not yours
3. You only know what he told you about the OW, try and contact her H as he may be in a false reconciliation with her
4. go and do things for yourself, join a club, lose weight, do yourself up
5. Do the 180 on him hard, kick him out of the house, let him have what he wants, she is not the same girl he knew before, so let him find out the hard way. Go no contact, all contact through a lawyer only.
6. You are going through alot now, get some IC for yourself.
One of two things will happen
1. he will see that far away fields are not green, that he has stupidly thrown away his wife and family for a fantasy that is not real. His mid life crisis has cost him dearly.
Then he will come running back, hopefully you will have moved on, will have enough self respect for yourself and will have found yourself someone who is worthy of you for he aint.
2. He genuinely is finished with the marriage and does not come back, If this is the case, you cannot win him back anyhow he is gone, but by then you have got over the trauma and are on your way to healthy healed life and ready to meet new and better things.
Sorry you are going through this.