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post #16 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 04:10 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

Sounds like the beginning of an addiction to me.
And he will squander every dollar on these strippers, because it's gone beyond just looking for him.
I recommend that you file now before he wastes any more money.
He doesn't care for you or the kids anymore, take control and give a good dose of reality, otherwise he will never stop.

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post #17 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 04:51 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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I have a plan in place to divorce, he is trying to convince me to give us another chance. I did get tested.
You can do much better.
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post #18 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 05:11 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

Whether he actually DID 'sleep with' one or more strippers shouldn't even matter. He WANTED to and INTENDED to. THAT shows you his true colors right there.

The fact that he's turning all of this back on YOU means he isn't the least bit sorry. You need to see a lawyer ASAP and slap him with D papers. He's a cake eating lying cheating POS and he doesn't deserve you.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #19 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

Thank you for all the responses/ insight. Finding this group has been a blessing for me. I am realizing how manipulative he really is. I knew when going to the strip club or to meet one of them he wld take his wedding ring off & pretend to be single w/ no kids. Tonight I asked him if that was something he did other times or regularly. He immediately got defensive and mad, said how in the world is he suppose to remember that. I said well, I remember clearly that I have never removed my ring and pretended to be single so why can't you remember? That started a big fight, I heard all the ways his cheating (he won't even call it that) is my fault & how I need to make changes to fix this. He is angry I hired a PI & said I'm just as guilty of lieing as him because I kept up the charade of not knowing what he was doing while they followed him. Phoning my lawyer first thing in the morning to proceed with paperwork.
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post #20 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:48 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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Originally Posted by leaveorstay View Post
Thank you for all the responses/ insight. Finding this group has been a blessing for me. I am realizing how manipulative he really is. I knew when going to the strip club or to meet one of them he wld take his wedding ring off & pretend to be single w/ no kids. Tonight I asked him if that was something he did other times or regularly. He immediately got defensive and mad, said how in the world is he suppose to remember that. I said well, I remember clearly that I have never removed my ring and pretended to be single so why can't you remember? That started a big fight, I heard all the ways his cheating (he won't even call it that) is my fault & how I need to make changes to fix this. He is angry I hired a PI & said I'm just as guilty of lieing as him because I kept up the charade of not knowing what he was doing while they followed him. Phoning my lawyer first thing in the morning to proceed with paperwork.
Good for you. You are seeing that he is trying to blame you for his evil decisions. He hasn't a leg to stand on, yet somehow this is your fault! Blaming you for hiring a PI to catch him cheating shows how demented his thinking is.

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post #21 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:53 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

I'm so sorry. But divorce definitely seems like the best option.
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post #22 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 09:58 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

If your attorney is worth his or her retainer they will tell you to cease having these types of conversations with your soon to be exhusband.
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post #23 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:56 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

He's lying his ass off.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #24 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:26 AM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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Originally Posted by leaveorstay View Post
18 years of marriage, 2 young kids. Our relationship,has been strained for many years- we both agree he pretty much shut me out a long time ago, views me as the person keeping him from the life of freedom he wants. Sex was very seldom, handful of times a year because he didn't want to or sometimes couldn't. I tried to be the patient understanding wife. I never meet his coworkers/ friends. We rarely go out alone together. We both have admitted we thought about ending it. About 4-5 months ago there was a sudden change, he was interested in sex again & it was great- like when we were in college. He seemingly cldnt keep his hands off me. I wanted to enjoy this but it raised red flags, always a drinker (not to excess) that had escalated to being drunk almost every night even in front of kids, he lost weight, worked out all time, new clothes, etc. Came home one night with lipstick on face, then found a text planning for a friend to cover for him while he went to local hotel instead of to visit friend. I hired a PI. He is going to a strip club several days a week while I think he's at work or meeting a friend for a drink. He has lots of the strippers phone numbers, has several favorites he takes to VIP room regularly, secret acct to fund all this. Started meeting some of them for dates outside of club (dinner, walks in the park). Says he is sorry, things are better than ever between us (seriously??) and we can fix this. Swears he never slept with any of them, & hasn't ever cheated on that level while married. Dosent seem to get the pain he has caused- seeing him walking through a park with his arm around a girl when he barely touched me for so long. My gut says he's still holding back, only admitting what he has to. These girls are a good 20 yrs younger than us. I'm disgusted, hurt, and ready to leave. He wants me to think of our kids- he shld have before choosing to do this. So lost.
He is lying, of course he has slept with them, why wouldn't he, that is what they are paid to do. He has a secret account to fund all of this.
He is a cheat and a liar.

1. Get yourself STD tested and do not sleep with him anymore, he has lost that privelege
2. Get a lawyer and see what your options are. He blew up the family, so don't let him tell you otherwise
3. Kick him out of the house - if lawyer says it is ok
4. Tell all family and friends about what he has been doing and what he has been spending his money on. This is his shame and burden to bear, not yours!
5. Go and see a counselor or therapist for yourself, you need to stay strong for your kids.
6. Take care of your health and go to gym, eat and rest properly.
7. No contact, do the 180 on him, only communication via lawyer or about kids

It is one thing to cheat but to cheat with strippers and more than one, that is the lowest of the low, if possible ask him to get out of the house. You will heal faster if you do not have to see him or hear from him.

In case you are wavering, remember he doesn't give a **** about you or the family. He has no problems in taking off his wedding ring
No problem lying to your face
No problem in risking your health
No problem with turning his filthy actions onto you and saying its all your fault
There is no remorse not even guilt for what he has done and what he is still doing.
DUMP him and run as fast as your legs can take you. True 18 years is a long time but you still can have a bright future without such a man. You are worth so much more than what he is giving you.

Last edited by aine; 03-14-2017 at 02:30 AM. Reason: to add
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post #25 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 04:06 AM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

He is a sad excuse for a husband. You deserve so much better.

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post #26 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 06:40 AM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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Originally Posted by leaveorstay View Post
I have a plan in place to divorce, he is trying to convince me to give us another chance. I did get tested.
Yeah, he is scared of the financial fall out.

Don't let this drop kick steal your life, kick his arse to the curb, heal then go and find a real man.
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post #27 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 08:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

Thanks again to all of you. My head is literally spinning from all of this. After the argument last night I asked him to leave, told him it would be good for both of us to not be around each other even if just for a few days to let things settle so we could talk calmly , he refused to go said if and when he left it would be because he choose to not because I told him to. i confronted him last Thursday about what I knew, we spent most of the next few days discussing our relationship and what he'd done, it was a very true discussion and I would say it was probably the most honest discussion we have had in a good ten years. For me that was a starting to point to the possibility of working thru this, to him he seems to think we talked and now I should get over it stop bringing it up and asking more questions. his aggresion towards me is baffling, I have questions, I want details, he wants none of that and turns it around on me because I hired the PI and he feels really angry about that. He even asked last night what my financial plans were if I left him , I've been a stay at home mom for twelve yrs, wanted to know just how much I thought he was going to give me since I had collected all my evidence. I wanted to say he wldnt be giving me anything, that the court would order him to pay a substantial amount but I held back to prevent the argument from escalating. I am having a hard time with how he is trying to turn this all around on me, feel like I am being emotionally and mentally beaten down.
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post #28 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 08:20 AM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

Quote:
Originally Posted by leaveorstay View Post
Thanks again to all of you. My head is literally spinning from all of this. After the argument last night I asked him to leave, told him it would be good for both of us to not be around each other even if just for a few days to let things settle so we could talk calmly , he refused to go said if and when he left it would be because he choose to not because I told him to. i confronted him last Thursday about what I knew, we spent most of the next few days discussing our relationship and what he'd done, it was a very true discussion and I would say it was probably the most honest discussion we have had in a good ten years. For me that was a starting to point to the possibility of working thru this, to him he seems to think we talked and now I should get over it stop bringing it up and asking more questions. his aggresion towards me is baffling, I have questions, I want details, he wants none of that and turns it around on me because I hired the PI and he feels really angry about that. He even asked last night what my financial plans were if I left him , I've been a stay at home mom for twelve yrs, wanted to know just how much I thought he was going to give me since I had collected all my evidence. I wanted to say he wldnt be giving me anything, that the court would order him to pay a substantial amount but I held back to prevent the argument from escalating. I am having a hard time with how he is trying to turn this all around on me, feel like I am being emotionally and mentally beaten down.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Do not be foolish, he is now the enemy, do not think for one moment he will do right by you. He has already shown you who he is. There is no remorse, he is angry he got caught and is turning it all on you. Stand up for yourself and kids.

Everyone here is telling you to go and get the lawyer, ask advice, cover yourself, you are going to need it as your WH is not going to do right by you. It sounds like he thinks he can treat you whatever way he wants, rugsweep all and then move on. He needs to know now that that is not going to work.
Tell his family and your friends, bring this out into the light immediately, he can only succeed with his cheating and his treatment of you, if you hide this from others. Expose expose expose, tell, tell, tell. It will make him angry for sure but he cannot continue to pretend it doesn't matter when everyone knows, this is not your shame but his.
You have to be strong, do not let him bully you and emotionally beat you down. Turn to family and friends for support, do you have a close sibling or friend you can talk to? Get a therapist. There is lots of good advice on here, go and take action, don't let him do this to you.
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post #29 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 08:49 AM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

Please stop talking to him. It's going to stress you out more each and every time, it will accomplish nothing.

After all he's done, he won't even leave for a few days for a cooling off period.

This is one of those cases where I'd like to see the woman go to the family court and say she's afraid of her husband and have him evicted with a temporary restraining order. Which ultimately becomes a permanent eviction because the divorce filing would follow soon after and the court would be petitioned to allow only the wife to remain in the house.

He deserves worse.
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post #30 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 09:20 AM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

Quote:
Originally Posted by leaveorstay View Post
Thanks again to all of you. My head is literally spinning from all of this. After the argument last night I asked him to leave, told him it would be good for both of us to not be around each other even if just for a few days to let things settle so we could talk calmly , he refused to go said if and when he left it would be because he choose to not because I told him to. i confronted him last Thursday about what I knew, we spent most of the next few days discussing our relationship and what he'd done, it was a very true discussion and I would say it was probably the most honest discussion we have had in a good ten years. For me that was a starting to point to the possibility of working thru this, to him he seems to think we talked and now I should get over it stop bringing it up and asking more questions. his aggresion towards me is baffling, I have questions, I want details, he wants none of that and turns it around on me because I hired the PI and he feels really angry about that. He even asked last night what my financial plans were if I left him , I've been a stay at home mom for twelve yrs, wanted to know just how much I thought he was going to give me since I had collected all my evidence. I wanted to say he wldnt be giving me anything, that the court would order him to pay a substantial amount but I held back to prevent the argument from escalating. I am having a hard time with how he is trying to turn this all around on me, feel like I am being emotionally and mentally beaten down.

OP, it is good that you recognize that he is trying to manipulate you. Again, this is normal unremorseful cheater behaviour. He is angry because he has been caught and you refuse to believe his lies. If he continues to blame you, it allows him to remove himself from the situation and distance himself from what he's done. It allows him to convince himself that he did what he did because you wronged him and he was only seeking attention to feel better after you made him feel bad. If he can make sure your hurt and pain is not real to him then he won't have to acknowledge it and confront himself for what he's done. This is part of the reason why exposure will help. It will no longer be your pain he'll have to hide from, and you he'll keep lying to, he'll feel the true weight of what he's done when he has to deal with the disapproval and disappointment of others who are close to him.

His dishonesty helped him cheat. When we start lying, it usually snowballs. His lies are becoming bigger and more complex because he needs to cover up other lies. Know that he knows the truth about what really happened. Know that he is choosing to withhold the truth from you. He is choosing to make you feel the way you feel. This is not in your head, this is what he is doing. Know that this is nothing close to the behaviour of someone who is remorseful. He's choosing to do this because this is all about him and protecting himself. Just like the cheating was all about him getting his needs met regardless of the impact it would have on his family, his continuous lying is no different.

How dare he expect you to get over it after that conversation! How dare him?! It's said that 3-5years is the typical time it takes a betrayed spouse to get over being cheated on. That's 3-5years when the betrayer is remorseful and willing to do anything it takes to help their spouse get past what they did, OP.

Stick to your guns. Stop speaking to him, he's only going to continue his gaslighting and make you feel even more confused than you are. Write down exactly what you need to do if you need a reminder to help you stay focused on your plan.

Please keep writing to us. We are here to help you and support you however we can.
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