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post #31 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 11:14 AM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

PLEASE stop talking to him. Have you seen a lawyer yet? Maybe you should go to a shelter if he's being aggressive towards you.


People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #32 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:23 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

Cheaters tend to rug-sweep and gas-light. Just like he's doing. He isn't remorseful -- just angry he got caught.

R is a tough road. And it doesn't always work even when both parties want it to. Know your options and don't let him pressure you.
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post #33 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 01:55 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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Cheaters tend to rug-sweep and gas-light. Just like he's doing. He isn't remorseful -- just angry he got caught.
He's also afraid of the consequences of being caught- he might just have to find another place to live and pay support to an exwife who no longer takes his BS.
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post #34 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 04:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

We are still in the same house, he doesn't want to go & I don't want to disrupt the kids by going to stay with a relative. I am sleeping in the extra room, told the kids it's because daddy's snoring was keeping me up (12 yr old isn't buying that one). He still denies he had sex (of any sort) with anyone else, my gut & the facts say that is a lie. I questioned him about a list of phone numbers he emailed himself in a memo labeled as "suggestions" for a possible upcoming work trip. I had PI investigate #s but hubby doesn't know that. He can't remember this list, has no idea what I'm talking about or who the numbers belong to- numbers are all females. I have screen shots of this list but don't want hubby to know that (not revealing all my cards). He even decided to tell me things I can work on to help him not have these urges again! He still gets very annoyed at any mention or question I have about the strip club/ girls. And for an intelligent person (has a PhD in molecular biology) he seemingly can't remember any details when I ask things, everything is "blurry" or he's not sure. He really thinks a couple of conversations and it should be all is forgiven let's get back to "normal". He was very proud of himself for coming straight home from work this week - so yay for him, 2 days of no strippers.
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post #35 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 04:38 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

Suggest counseling together and set up boundaries with transparency on his end.

I have had problems with my own husband regarding trips away with the guys to strip clubs, I immediately put a stop to it when my instincts were telling me something wasn't adding up.
Your husband is in a much worse position, he's hiding money, taking them on dates etc etc
He knows you are on to him and is laying low, he's just waiting now until you forget or give in.

Get yourselves into sex therapy and counseling if you want this issue sorted and your marriage better than before.

He's in denial, he's needs a reality check, that means you being strong and making sure he has consequences.

Don't use the kids as an excuse to enable his behaviour.


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post #36 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 04:58 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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He even decided to tell me things I can work on to help him not have these urges again! He still gets very annoyed at any mention or question I have about the strip club/ girls.
This attitude is UNACCEPTABLE. You need to visit an attorney and get the ball rolling for a divorce. Why do you want to even consider staying with someone who is this disrespectful?? If by some miracle slapping him with D papers wakes him up, you can stop the process. But unless he comes crawling to you begging for R, don't do it.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #37 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 04:59 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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Suggest counseling together and set up boundaries with transparency on his end.

I have had problems with my own husband regarding trips away with the guys to strip clubs, I immediately put a stop to it when my instincts were telling me something wasn't adding up.
Your husband is in a much worse position, he's hiding money, taking them on dates etc etc
He knows you are on to him and is laying low, he's just waiting now until you forget or give in.

Get yourselves into sex therapy and counseling if you want this issue sorted and your marriage better than before.

He's in denial, he's needs a reality check, that means you being strong and making sure he has consequences.

Don't use the kids as an excuse to enable his behaviour.


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Couples counseling and sex therapy aren't going to do squat with him acting the way he is. He doesn't want to work on things!! He wants to keep screwing strippers and have his wife shut her face about it.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #38 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 05:04 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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Originally Posted by leaveorstay View Post
He was very proud of himself for coming straight home from work this week - so yay for him, 2 days of no strippers.
That sounds like an addict.
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post #39 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 06:23 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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Couples counseling and sex therapy aren't going to do squat with him acting the way he is. He doesn't want to work on things!! He wants to keep screwing strippers and have his wife shut her face about it.
I agree 100% with you, but it seems they to want to work on reconciling, even with the evidence from the PI. Obviously there is a line that he didn't cross yet, but he will cross it eventually, I just hope @leaveorstay has the strength to leave, because he's just getting started.
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post #40 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-15-2017, 11:41 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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Originally Posted by leaveorstay View Post
He didn't make it to the hotel (that time), he knew I was suspicious so he canceled his plans. Was possibly going to try that again last weekend, but after several weeks of playing dumb while the PI followed him I cracked after one of his dates last week and everything came out. I fully believe he had sex of some sort with some of these women, I think he is denying because he knows I can't prove it. I have realized how good of a liar he is, elaborate lies to have time for strip club and his dates, coming home from those and telling me how much he loves me--he doesn't understand this is why I can't trust anything he says. I want to leave, my gut tells me I shld & he will do it again-- it's hard our kids are 9 & 12 (girls) & this will hurt them so much
It will hurt the kids even more when they see their mum being emotionally abused by their father and deteriorating mentally putting up with a cheating husband. Not the life little girls should be living. When they get older explain why, they will respect you for it and you will be giving them a life lesson on how to be strong women and not take this kind of **** from anyone.

The 12 yr old probably already knows something is wrong, they always do.

Lastly, it is irrelevant whether he had sex or not, he has cheated and gaslighted and is not acting like a man who is remorseful. Go and see a lawyer, you can still file, stop dithering.

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post #41 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 12:04 AM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

@leaveorstay

As long as he keeps up this attitude of you needing to let it go and how you need to change things to make this work, you will never reconcile with him and have a safe marriage. He's not doing this because he genuinely wants the marriage to work. He's doing this because the sooner you back off and stop questioning him, the sooner he can go back to dating and sleeping with strippers. He doesn't leave because why would he? You're still here doing the child care, the cooking, the cleaning, and whatever else you bring to the table. Getting a divorce will mean losing out on money he could be spending on the strippers behind your back. You knew in your gut that you should leave and he will do it again. His behavior and the fact that he's acting like you're lucky he's still with you after you caught him cheating says that he will do it again.

What if your daughter sees him out with a stripper on his arm next time? Do you want her to think that this is just how marriage is and that if her future spouse cheats, she needs to let it go and lose herself making impossible changes to keep a lying cheater? What advice would you give her in this situation? Getting a divorce will hurt like ripping off a band aid but you risk so much more damage to your girls by showing them that this is how a marriage is and teaching them that they have to put up with how your husband treats you in the future. You risk so much more damage to yourself by allowing him to emotionally abuse you by blaming you and twisting yourself into this impossible, ever-changing mold that he wants you to be. It won't work. He will always come up with a new way you didn't meet his needs to justify seeing strippers. All of that is far worse than the temporary pain and confusion a divorce will bring.
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post #42 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

I did brielfy think R was possible. I do not think so now though. His refusal to be honest is not acceptable, I can't live the rest of my life waiting for him to do this again & his words and actions show me this will absolutely happen again. He doesn't want everyone finding out what he has done, he is furious that my mom & sister know (they were the only ones I talked to & that was because I needed a support system). He really just wants to be done with discussions and carry on with life like everything is fine. He is also afraid of our marriage failing being his fault, so I feel he is putting up the front of "working on it" now so that when I say it's over he can say I was the one who walked away when he wanted to try to fix it. It's all a mind game and he is really good at it. I had a meeting with the PI this morning, he has dealt with these situations a lot & is completely baffled at my hubs behavior and lack of remorse & denial of anything sexual happening with these women. The fact that I called them dirty strippers and hubs got offended that I insulted them & said I don't know them or their lives tells me everything - more worried about insulting them than how his actions hurt me.
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post #43 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 05:22 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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Originally Posted by leaveorstay View Post
I did brielfy think R was possible. I do not think so now though. His refusal to be honest is not acceptable, I can't live the rest of my life waiting for him to do this again & his words and actions show me this will absolutely happen again. He doesn't want everyone finding out what he has done, he is furious that my mom & sister know (they were the only ones I talked to & that was because I needed a support system). He really just wants to be done with discussions and carry on with life like everything is fine. He is also afraid of our marriage failing being his fault, so I feel he is putting up the front of "working on it" now so that when I say it's over he can say I was the one who walked away when he wanted to try to fix it. It's all a mind game and he is really good at it. I had a meeting with the PI this morning, he has dealt with these situations a lot & is completely baffled at my hubs behavior and lack of remorse & denial of anything sexual happening with these women. The fact that I called them dirty strippers and hubs got offended that I insulted them & said I don't know them or their lives tells me everything - more worried about insulting them than how his actions hurt me.
his behaviour is very typical of cheaters I am sorry to say

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #44 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:12 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

He wants to rug-sweep and move on without doing the work necessary so he's not a good candidate for R. Good to know that sooner rather than later.

He likely sees himself as a KISA helping all those poor, disadvantaged girls. And there are so many for him to help that he can (and probably will) make it his life's work. Too bad you won't be around to keep the home fires burning for him while he works so hard to save them all.

This is a difficult time, I know, but your life really be better without the worry of what he'll do next.
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post #45 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:54 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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Originally Posted by leaveorstay View Post
I did brielfy think R was possible. I do not think so now though. His refusal to be honest is not acceptable, I can't live the rest of my life waiting for him to do this again & his words and actions show me this will absolutely happen again. He doesn't want everyone finding out what he has done, he is furious that my mom & sister know (they were the only ones I talked to & that was because I needed a support system). He really just wants to be done with discussions and carry on with life like everything is fine. He is also afraid of our marriage failing being his fault, so I feel he is putting up the front of "working on it" now so that when I say it's over he can say I was the one who walked away when he wanted to try to fix it. It's all a mind game and he is really good at it. I had a meeting with the PI this morning, he has dealt with these situations a lot & is completely baffled at my hubs behavior and lack of remorse & denial of anything sexual happening with these women. The fact that I called them dirty strippers and hubs got offended that I insulted them & said I don't know them or their lives tells me everything - more worried about insulting them than how his actions hurt me.
So sorry Leaveorstay but you know and hear all you need to know to take action.

Your WH wants to continue to have his cake and eat it, he doesn't care about the hurt he has caused you or the destruction of his marriage or family unit, that is saying alot.
Please let him have what he wants. You should also tell his family, your friends, everyone. He needs to be hit with the reality of what he has done. He is mad he is being exposed, typical cheater, it is all about self preservation and hiding their actions.

Get a lawyer, make sure you and the kids are covered financially, don't give him any wriggle room. It doesn't matter if he wants to pretend 'to work on it.' He has cheated, it is now YOUR choice to stay or go, he has lost the privilege of making any decisions with regard to your marriage, you tell him this.
Do now waver, stay strong, get counselling but you need rid of this disgusting man.
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