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post #46 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-17-2017, 02:04 AM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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Originally Posted by leaveorstay View Post
I did brielfy think R was possible. I do not think so now though. His refusal to be honest is not acceptable, I can't live the rest of my life waiting for him to do this again & his words and actions show me this will absolutely happen again. He doesn't want everyone finding out what he has done, he is furious that my mom & sister know (they were the only ones I talked to & that was because I needed a support system). He really just wants to be done with discussions and carry on with life like everything is fine. He is also afraid of our marriage failing being his fault, so I feel he is putting up the front of "working on it" now so that when I say it's over he can say I was the one who walked away when he wanted to try to fix it. It's all a mind game and he is really good at it. I had a meeting with the PI this morning, he has dealt with these situations a lot & is completely baffled at my hubs behavior and lack of remorse & denial of anything sexual happening with these women. The fact that I called them dirty strippers and hubs got offended that I insulted them & said I don't know them or their lives tells me everything - more worried about insulting them than how his actions hurt me.
It does sound like it's time for you to move on.

Are you having the PI do anymore work?

Do you have a lawyer lined up? You might want to talk to one and get your plan of action in place before you tell him you are divorcing him. (I think the above means that you are leaving him, right?)

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post #47 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 02:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

An update: Thank you again for all the advice, this forum has been a sanity saver. In our state you have to be separated a yr before you can divorce so that is the plan (mine anyway). We are renting our current place (moved here last summer, it's my hometown area so my family is here), lease up in June & that's when school gets out, so plan is to use next 2 months to find a place for kids & I and get things in order. Waiting to tell kids until schools out- 12 yr old has had a hard time with last move, 1st yr of middle school, etc so think it will be better to wait to tell them.
Husband is being very agreeable with what I want in separation agreement (agrees to handle with minimal atty interference to save $). He knows since I've been a sahm for 12 yrs and all the evidence I have he wld be screwed if it went to court & they wld likely make him pay my fees as well. As far as us- he is all over the place, one day it's I can't make him happy the next it's he'll do whatever it takes to fix it. Problem with fixing it is I still don't think I've gotten whole truth from him & he wants major rug sweeping. "He's a changed man!"-- isn't that nice- 3 weeks after I exposed him he is a new person! He takes no responsibility for his actions, "he needed it", "it helped him", " it will make us better", blah blah. Says he was getting tired of the strip club anyway, well of course he was- he was dating them so why go to the club as much? Seems to forget that he didn't stop his behavior or confess until I exposed his lies!
If we try to discuss he always turns it on me, "what am I doing to change and be warmer towards him." He wants to be with me when I'm happy and flirty but when I am mad he wants to leave. Told him I'm not a fake stripper pretending to want him so he'll open his wallet. So I guess I'm not allowed the normal human emotions that occur when cheated on and if I want him to stay I need to stroke his ego constantly! What a load of ****! And he still thinks the outcome is up to him- that really amuses me!
I don't know what happened to the man I married. Mid life crisis maybe, he's going to be on his own soon enough- can get all the "variety" & "buffet of women" he can handle ( won't have much $ for the strippers though)
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post #48 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 02:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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It does sound like it's time for you to move on.

Are you having the PI do anymore work?

Do you have a lawyer lined up? You might want to talk to one and get your plan of action in place before you tell him you are divorcing him. (I think the above means that you are leaving him, right?)
Yes, plan is to leave.
PI is not doing work but was pretty taken with the whole situation so told me if I get the slightest feeling hubs is back at the strip club to call & he'll go check it out free of charge. The hubs is still suspicious that I'm tracking him so I don't think he will go anytime soon. He's in total lockdown mode (opposite of what he shld be doing), changing passwords, making sure he logs out of all accts on all devices, even hiding his cell phone at night. Not exactly how you behave if you truly want to work things out. But, you know, I betrayed his trust by hiring the PI 😂🙄
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post #49 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 08:26 AM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

Leaveorstay, you are making the right decision, your WH is only concerned about himself, he doesn't give a **** about your and the damage and hurt he has caused. Use this time to make yourself stronger, try and save a little bit of money, go see a counsellor and be the best mum you can be. I wish you all the best, you deserve way more than what your WH is offering.
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post #50 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:32 AM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

Wow, he is beyond delusional. I can't believe that he is still blaming you. That is absurd and his comment "what am I doing to change and be warmer towards him." is extremely offensive.

OP, the strength and resolve you're showing here is truly impressive. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to deal with your husband's behavior considering he presented a completely different person throughout your marriage. Most betrayed spouses have a difficult time refusing to accept the blame that their cheating spouses try to deflect unto them. Most betrayed spouses resort to codependent behavior to avoid dealing with the reality of the situation.

I do hope he will be the one to tell the kids, or at least that the whole burden of this revelation will not rest squarely on your shoulders.
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post #51 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:52 AM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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Originally Posted by leaveorstay View Post
He takes no responsibility for his actions, "he needed it", "it helped him", " it will make us better", blah blah. Says he was getting tired of the strip club anyway, well of course he was- he was dating them so why go to the club as much? Seems to forget that he didn't stop his behavior or confess until I exposed his lies!
If we try to discuss he always turns it on me, "what am I doing to change and be warmer towards him." He wants to be with me when I'm happy and flirty but when I am mad he wants to leave. Told him I'm not a fake stripper pretending to want him so he'll open his wallet. So I guess I'm not allowed the normal human emotions that occur when cheated on and if I want him to stay I need to stroke his ego constantly! What a load of ****! And he still thinks the outcome is up to him- that really amuses me!
I don't know what happened to the man I married. Mid life crisis maybe, he's going to be on his own soon enough- can get all the "variety" & "buffet of women" he can handle ( won't have much $ for the strippers though)
This seriously made me throw up in my mouth a little, how disgusting! I am so glad to read you are ending this, this is one of the worst I have read, this man is sick. Stop talking to him, read up on doing the 180 and implement.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #52 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 10:12 AM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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Originally Posted by leaveorstay View Post
Yes, plan is to leave.
PI is not doing work but was pretty taken with the whole situation so told me if I get the slightest feeling hubs is back at the strip club to call & he'll go check it out free of charge. The hubs is still suspicious that I'm tracking him so I don't think he will go anytime soon. He's in total lockdown mode (opposite of what he shld be doing), changing passwords, making sure he logs out of all accts on all devices, even hiding his cell phone at night. Not exactly how you behave if you truly want to work things out. But, you know, I betrayed his trust by hiring the PI 😂🙄
He should be working on being absolutely transparent with you in everything instead of being in lockdown mode if he wanted to possibly save the marriage. It clear that's not what he wants. He wants things to be business as usual with him able to see other woman. He doesn't get it.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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