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post #1 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:07 AM Thread Starter
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Husband cheating with strippers

18 years of marriage, 2 young kids. Our relationship,has been strained for many years- we both agree he pretty much shut me out a long time ago, views me as the person keeping him from the life of freedom he wants. Sex was very seldom, handful of times a year because he didn't want to or sometimes couldn't. I tried to be the patient understanding wife. I never meet his coworkers/ friends. We rarely go out alone together. We both have admitted we thought about ending it. About 4-5 months ago there was a sudden change, he was interested in sex again & it was great- like when we were in college. He seemingly cldnt keep his hands off me. I wanted to enjoy this but it raised red flags, always a drinker (not to excess) that had escalated to being drunk almost every night even in front of kids, he lost weight, worked out all time, new clothes, etc. Came home one night with lipstick on face, then found a text planning for a friend to cover for him while he went to local hotel instead of to visit friend. I hired a PI. He is going to a strip club several days a week while I think he's at work or meeting a friend for a drink. He has lots of the strippers phone numbers, has several favorites he takes to VIP room regularly, secret acct to fund all this. Started meeting some of them for dates outside of club (dinner, walks in the park). Says he is sorry, things are better than ever between us (seriously??) and we can fix this. Swears he never slept with any of them, & hasn't ever cheated on that level while married. Dosent seem to get the pain he has caused- seeing him walking through a park with his arm around a girl when he barely touched me for so long. My gut says he's still holding back, only admitting what he has to. These girls are a good 20 yrs younger than us. I'm disgusted, hurt, and ready to leave. He wants me to think of our kids- he shld have before choosing to do this. So lost.

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post #2 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:43 AM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

Are you planning on divorcing him?

You need to get an STD test.

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post #3 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:48 AM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

What do you think happened in the hotel? The park? Sure, he never "slept" with them. And, that's because he was too busy getting ****ed or doing the ****ing.

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post #4 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:54 AM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

Its your choice. You have every reason to divorce him and no reason to think this behavior will stop.

If you want to stay married and tolerate this, that is your decision, but most people would divorce in this situation.
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post #5 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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What do you think happened in the hotel? The park? Sure, he never "slept" with them. And, that's because he was too busy getting ****ed or doing the ****ing.

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He didn't make it to the hotel (that time), he knew I was suspicious so he canceled his plans. Was possibly going to try that again last weekend, but after several weeks of playing dumb while the PI followed him I cracked after one of his dates last week and everything came out. I fully believe he had sex of some sort with some of these women, I think he is denying because he knows I can't prove it. I have realized how good of a liar he is, elaborate lies to have time for strip club and his dates, coming home from those and telling me how much he loves me--he doesn't understand this is why I can't trust anything he says. I want to leave, my gut tells me I shld & he will do it again-- it's hard our kids are 9 & 12 (girls) & this will hurt them so much
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post #6 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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Are you planning on divorcing him?

You need to get an STD test.
I have a plan in place to divorce, he is trying to convince me to give us another chance. I did get tested.
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post #7 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 01:17 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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He didn't make it to the hotel (that time), he knew I was suspicious so he canceled his plans. Was possibly going to try that again last weekend, but after several weeks of playing dumb while the PI followed him I cracked after one of his dates last week and everything came out. I fully believe he had sex of some sort with some of these women, I think he is denying because he knows I can't prove it. I have realized how good of a liar he is, elaborate lies to have time for strip club and his dates, coming home from those and telling me how much he loves me--he doesn't understand this is why I can't trust anything he says. I want to leave, my gut tells me I shld & he will do it again-- it's hard our kids are 9 & 12 (girls) & this will hurt them so much
You're right, he's only going to tell you what he thinks he has to (what you already know). It's called trickle truth. Alot of the threads talk about this. Scroll through some of the infidelity threads and you'll get a good idea of what script your husband will play for you. It's the cheaters script.

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

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post #8 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

"He wants me to think of our kids- he shld have before choosing to do this. So lost."

O yeah, his kids must've been the first thing on his mind every night he went to the strip club.

Agree with @tropicalbeachiwish, please read a few infidelity threads on here. This is indeed part of the classic cheater script. He's going to find every way to make you feel like:

- it's your fault
- you're crazy and making things worse than they actually are
- you're the bad one if you want to divorce, you're going to destroy the family
- he's sorry and he will never do it again
- things will go back to normal if you forgive him

Here's the link: Coping with Infidelity - Talk About Marriage
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post #9 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:30 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

He is rotten. Hope the best for you and your children.

He isn't even close to being where his family needs him to be.
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post #10 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:36 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

Good call to hire to hire a PI. Use the information he gave you and dump him!


"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #11 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 02:40 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

Just move on with the divorce. He clearly has no plan on stopping this behavior. He is putting your health at risk.

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post #12 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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Originally Posted by Keke24 View Post
"He wants me to think of our kids- he shld have before choosing to do this. So lost."

O yeah, his kids must've been the first thing on his mind every night he went to the strip club.

Agree with @tropicalbeachiwish, please read a few infidelity threads on here. This is indeed part of the classic cheater script. He's going to find every way to make you feel like:

- it's your fault
- you're crazy and making things worse than they actually are
- you're the bad one if you want to divorce, you're going to destroy the family
- he's sorry and he will never do it again
- things will go back to normal if you forgive him

Here's the link: Coping with Infidelity - Talk About Marriage
Wow, that is exactly what he is doing! He has told me all the things I can do moving forward to help him not want to do it again, I'm being dramatic since he insists there was no sex (not buying it), if I just give him a chance our relationship can be better than ever, we have a real opportunity here to have something great, even that he couldn't believe I would throw away our entire life together over this.
If this had happened a year ago I wld have been hurt but not entirely surprised. It's the fact that the past few months I thought things really were better than ever and he seemed so happy and wanted me all the time-- the fact that all of that was a big fat lie has made this so much worse. I feel like such a fool!
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post #13 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:41 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

You need to stop beating yourself up over this. You are not a fool. You are someone who hoped for the best. Sadly he squandered that.

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post #14 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 03:59 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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Originally Posted by leaveorstay View Post
Wow, that is exactly what he is doing! He has told me all the things I can do moving forward to help him not want to do it again, I'm being dramatic since he insists there was no sex (not buying it), if I just give him a chance our relationship can be better than ever, we have a real opportunity here to have something great, even that he couldn't believe I would throw away our entire life together over this.
If this had happened a year ago I wld have been hurt but not entirely surprised. It's the fact that the past few months I thought things really were better than ever and he seemed so happy and wanted me all the time-- the fact that all of that was a big fat lie has made this so much worse. I feel like such a fool!
Don't make yourself feel worse than you already do OP. You're no fool OP, you recognize his bs. You're way ahead of a lot of BSs (Betrayed Spouses) who come on here believing all the lies spewed by their WSs (Wayward Spouses) and are desperate to do anything to get them back.

Trust your gut, hasn't it been right thus far? You knew something was up when things suddenly improved. You saw the red flags and hired a PI. Seriously, very few BS we see on here have the galls and foresight to do this. But now you have all the evidence, now you need to make a realistic decision and stick to it. Things were already screwed up before the cheating was exposed, you two could not even work through these issues, is it realistic to expect to be able to deal with these issues AND the cheating now??

This is why I advise you to read some threads on here. Starting with the infidelity threads and then the sexless marriage threads. These are the two most common issues discussed on here. You'll see how difficult it is to work through sexless marriages and you'll get the lowdown on cheater bs.

My opinion: your serial cheating husband needs to go. Daughters must learn it is not acceptable for a man to treat his wife this way. Sons must learn a good man/father/husband does not neglect his wife/children at home to go sleep with strippers. A good man/father/husband is not a coward who blames his wife for his own disgusting decisions. A good man does not put women he pays for sex on a higher pedestal than his own wife, the woman who birthed his beautiful children. You are a role model for your children as a woman, a mother and a wife. Your husband has already decided what example he wants to set, what example will you set OP?

Last edited by Keke24; 03-13-2017 at 04:03 PM.
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post #15 of 52 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 04:04 PM
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Re: Husband cheating with strippers

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Originally Posted by leaveorstay View Post
Wow, that is exactly what he is doing! He has told me all the things I can do moving forward to help him not want to do it again, I'm being dramatic since he insists there was no sex (not buying it), if I just give him a chance our relationship can be better than ever, we have a real opportunity here to have something great, even that he couldn't believe I would throw away our entire life together over this.
If this had happened a year ago I wld have been hurt but not entirely surprised. It's the fact that the past few months I thought things really were better than ever and he seemed so happy and wanted me all the time-- the fact that all of that was a big fat lie has made this so much worse. I feel like such a fool!
Whatever. He wasted marital funds on these skanks. Even if he didn't sleep with them (and I'm 100% certain that he did sleep with them), just spending all this cash is financial infidelity.

He can't believe that you would throw away your entire life over this? WRONG. HE threw your entire life away over this. HE DID THIS. NOT YOU.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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