I'm not sure what to feel or do as of the moment or at all. What shall i do ? - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

User Tag List

 39Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 01:54 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 6
I'm not sure what to feel or do as of the moment or at all. What shall i do ?

Hi there, I know talking about this is wrong especially out in the open, but I'm quite in a tough spot and I have to let it out somehow. (I'm not planning to go to a counselor yet, because its things I know about his infidelity that he doesn't, and going to one is going to make him wonder).

So having said that, I'm a wife to a husband of 4.5 years. Things were so good for 4.5 years, *only there was once instance i caught him text-flirting with another woman and that was it*, and I have to be honest, we rarely fought. We argued yes, but we talked diplomatically and as mature as possible. However there are things he still wishes to do which I'm completely done with. Like greens, mushrooms, and all along those lines. He's view on this is that, if you could be positive and let go of reality, why not? He is a social drinker, but when he does, he drinks heavily.

He calls me a wet blanket when I decline he offer to join in his 'fun' (greens, drinking, etc). Well obviously I didn't take it very well the first time but I wasn't peer-pressured by him. i've not stopped drinking permanently, but just not with him as he will force me to drink more and more. It's just that, I'm done with it.

Next, earlier last year, I was out with bunch of folks having dinner and drinks together, and I wanted to check his bank transactions as earlier he did mentioned he needs some cash for his extra-curricular activities, and guess what ? I saw a transaction under a local motel ! Frustrated, I called him up and found out that he was actually at the motel with another woman. So we met at home, and I'm feeling a lil intoxicated from the earlier drinks, and I screamed at him. I confronted him, and he didn't utter a word. He only mentioned that he did check in with that woman, but he didn't do anything with her. After that night, he decided to move out to stay with his brother, I was still infuriated so I didn't stop him.

Months passed we were separated, texts messages exchanged, and he wanted to rent a place to stay with me (due to the fact he can't face my mother who is still living with me). Eventually i declined that offer about staying together with him because I was skeptical about it in the first place. Skeptical about him. Skeptical about his plans if they are going to work out at all. Skeptical if we are going to work out after this.

Fast-forward to today, it has been that on-off type of marriage between me and him. One minute he wants to work it out, next minute he disappeared away to another country, and only contacts me when he feels like it. Finally we talked things out, and currently he is staying with me, but things are different. I'm not ready to 'sleep' with him, but we still share the same bed, just that the intimate touching is absent. I'm still hurt, and I'm really not ready. Furthermore, I don't know who he has been sleeping with and was he promiscuous with it or not. Just to safe guard my health, i rather not.

Few months ago, he was away for a week's trip back to his late-mum's place in another country. And few days ago, I found out that he has been bringing women back to the house. How i know ? I've created a fake account and impersonate another woman to indirectly communicate with him, and it was a success, I deliberately found out lots of information that I need to know that he has been keeping from me. He even mention to this alibi of mine that he is divorced, and has been living alone for about a year. And that he blew it. He called it off. And love wasn't his idea. He even said that he is lazy and tired to even mend it back or rekindle the relationship.

I have lots of proof about it, even transactions histories and his whereabouts on that occasions, all his escapades, his contacts, his lover, plus him telling my alibi, links everything up.

I'm not sure if I'm too numb to confront him about it, or if I'm not ready to ask for a divorce, or worse, if I'm not sure what to feel or do about it. I still do love him, and our conversations are for the sake of formalilty and familiarity. But what he's been up to, just push me further away. Away from reality.

Please help.

alxndr24 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:02 AM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,353
Re: I'm not sure what to feel or do as of the moment or at all. What shall i do ?

Well you know what he's been up to. You have solid proof. He's even admitted it.

How can you stay with someone who clearly has no respect for you and does not love you?
EleGirl is online now  
post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:09 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 6
Re: I'm not sure what to feel or do as of the moment or at all. What shall i do ?

I'm not sure what to do with my marriage. I just have this tiny bit of patience left.

Sent from my SM-N920I using Tapatalk
alxndr24 is offline  
 
post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:15 AM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,353
Re: I'm not sure what to feel or do as of the moment or at all. What shall i do ?

Patience for what? For him to disrespect you more?

I really am sorry for all you are goin through. It's awful, not right at all.

He's not going to change. He's not going to be the man that you need. Instead he is just going to continue to be who he is... the man who cheats and lies.
EleGirl is online now  
post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:26 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 6
Re: I'm not sure what to feel or do as of the moment or at all. What shall i do ?

He is going away for a week's trip again. If he screw this up again, and I've had it, at least I know I'm not numb from the past to be actually feeling it. Sigh, I'm just afraid I might make a decision based on what I felt before.

Sent from my SM-N920I using Tapatalk
alxndr24 is offline  
post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:37 AM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,353
Re: I'm not sure what to feel or do as of the moment or at all. What shall i do ?

How will you know if he screws up again?

How many times does he get to screw up before you start protecting yourself?
EleGirl is online now  
post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 02:51 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 6
Re: I'm not sure what to feel or do as of the moment or at all. What shall i do ?

I have my alibi to help out. And from there he will spill facts without even knowing its me on the other end.

Sigh, i really need this talk. Thank you Ele.

Sent from my SM-N920I using Tapatalk
alxndr24 is offline  
post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 04:17 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Satya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,423
Re: I'm not sure what to feel or do as of the moment or at all. What shall i do ?

Can I ask, why you're so afraid to just pull the plug? You have enough evidence (saved in a safe place, I hope), to bury him. Yet, your posts read like you're worried he'll some how get away with it. He's not going g to change just because you're hurt. He doesn't care.

Divorcing him means he doesn't get away with it. Sure, you'd probably love to get a pound of flesh one way or another, but getting far away from him and gaining a better life is a great start.

Do you know anything about these women? Are they married? If so, you could tell their spouses. While you start divorce proceedings.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
Satya is offline  
post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 05:14 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 6
Re: I'm not sure what to feel or do as of the moment or at all. What shall i do ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satya View Post
Can I ask, why you're so afraid to just pull the plug? You have enough evidence (saved in a safe place, I hope), to bury him. Yet, your posts read like you're worried he'll some how get away with it. He's not going g to change just because you're hurt. He doesn't care.

Divorcing him means he doesn't get away with it. Sure, you'd probably love to get a pound of flesh one way or another, but getting far away from him and gaining a better life is a great start.

Do you know anything about these women? Are they married? If so, you could tell their spouses. While you start divorce proceedings.
I'm afraid because he is supporting me financially month to month. Afraid of going through this divorce proceedings and I know that its the best option for now, but I can't bring myself to it. I have to remain civilised with him because he does not show any signs of cheating.

I'm also afraid that he might manipulate my findings, *he loves to use reverse psychology and make me feel like I'm the bad one always picking things up about him*, and I'm back to square one.

Yes I agree that he's not going to change just because I'm hurt. That would be out of sympathy sake. Its quite confusing on my end because few weeks ago he wanted to 'sleep' with me and I decline saying that I'm not ready. He told me that he is tired of playing with himself. Not that I didn't care but it left me wondering why is he lying through his teeth.

Just an update, i managed to get my alibi to schedule a 'meet up' with him during his trip to his late mum's place in about two weeks from now and he was saying stuff like I'll see you in bed when I get home, and you're going to stay in my house. Thats him to her. But not to me. And frankly speaking, it didn't bothered me at all. Probably because of the fact that this alibi isn't a real person it sort of console me for abit. But I get his intentions.

Sigh.
alxndr24 is offline  
post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 06:23 AM
Member
 
Keke24's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Caribbean
Posts: 548
Re: I'm not sure what to feel or do as of the moment or at all. What shall i do ?

So what exactly is the point in continuing with this virtual character?

You've already proven to yourself what you should have realized the first time you caught him flirting. Nothing has changed.

What was the point in the virtual character in the first place? Why do you have your tail between your legs when he's the cheater? Because he's supporting you financially? I'm sorry but I have to ask, where is your dignity?

Keke24 is offline  
post #11 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 06:35 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 257
Re: I'm not sure what to feel or do as of the moment or at all. What shall i do ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by alxndr24 View Post
I'm afraid because he is supporting me financially month to month. Afraid of going through this divorce proceedings and I know that its the best option for now, but I can't bring myself to it. I have to remain civilised with him because he does not show any signs of cheating.

I'm also afraid that he might manipulate my findings, *he loves to use reverse psychology and make me feel like I'm the bad one always picking things up about him*, and I'm back to square one.

Yes I agree that he's not going to change just because I'm hurt. That would be out of sympathy sake. Its quite confusing on my end because few weeks ago he wanted to 'sleep' with me and I decline saying that I'm not ready. He told me that he is tired of playing with himself. Not that I didn't care but it left me wondering why is he lying through his teeth.

Just an update, i managed to get my alibi to schedule a 'meet up' with him during his trip to his late mum's place in about two weeks from now and he was saying stuff like I'll see you in bed when I get home, and you're going to stay in my house. Thats him to her. But not to me. And frankly speaking, it didn't bothered me at all. Probably because of the fact that this alibi isn't a real person it sort of console me for abit. But I get his intentions.

Sigh.
Get a job. Open your own bank accounts. Get credit in your name only. HIRE AN ATTORNEY AND FILE! Ask for financial support until you can make it on your own.

I was afraid financially, too. I was married over 20+ and ex always found a reason why I shouldn't work or go to school. I now realize it was to control me. I bet he wishes he let me do both now. He's paying out the ass for both child support and spousal support. It's so much that I don't have to work if I don't want to. I easily live off the spousal support alone. But, I still can't wait to get a job. I don't even care where it is. I just want to get out there.

Sorry for the ramble.

But, he's a serial cheater and they don't change. Trust me, I was married to one. Do not have sex with him and please go get tested for STDs.

Last edited by prunus; 03-16-2017 at 10:58 AM. Reason: typo
prunus is offline  
post #12 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 06:35 AM
Member
 
Keke24's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Caribbean
Posts: 548
Re: I'm not sure what to feel or do as of the moment or at all. What shall i do ?

I have to remain civilised with him because he does not show any signs of cheating.

that makes absolutely no senses. None whatsoever. This is just another terrible excuses for your passivity

I'm also afraid that he might manipulate my findings, *he loves to use reverse psychology and make me feel like I'm the bad one always picking things up about him*, and I'm back to square one.

what are you saying? You have all the findings????!

Its quite confusing on my end because few weeks ago he wanted to 'sleep' with me and I decline saying that I'm not ready. He told me that he is tired of playing with himself. Not that I didn't care but it left me wondering why is he lying through his teeth.

What is confusing? The fact that he's a cheater who still wants to have his cake and eat it too? Or the fact that you want to believe he still cares? Newsflash, he's just using you. I hope that clears up the confusion

Just an update, i managed to get my alibi to schedule a 'meet up' with him during his trip to his late mum's place in about two weeks from now and he was saying stuff like I'll see you in bed when I get home, and you're going to stay in my house. Thats him to her. But not to me. And frankly speaking, it didn't bothered me at all. Probably because of the fact that this alibi isn't a real person it sort of console me for abit. But I get his intentions.

it didn't bother you at all? Again, where is your self respect in all of this?

Sigh.[/QUOTE]
Keke24 is offline  
post #13 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:09 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Satya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,423
Re: I'm not sure what to feel or do as of the moment or at all. What shall i do ?

Why are you so dependent upon him financially? Are you able to work? If so, start looking for any employment. It's time to get independent.

If he can easily manipulate you, knowing this is the first step toward stopping it. Seek therapy to learn defense mechanisms. Emotionally manipulative people have a leg up BECAUSE they know how to best hurt and keep you in fear. Once that fear is gone they have no ammunition with which to hurt you. Learn tactics to be more resilient and to avoid him when he's trying to hurt or manipulate you. HIS biggest fear is that you'll get away from him and you'll be JUST FINE. And you will be.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
Satya is offline  
post #14 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 10:34 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 205
Re: I'm not sure what to feel or do as of the moment or at all. What shall i do ?

when your ready you will pull the trigger .

at this point I think a 2x4 might help get it into your head that this person is just not someone anybody should ever marry.

in the mean time start looking for a job.
chillymorn69 is offline  
post #15 of 20 (permalink) Old 03-16-2017, 08:04 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 6
Re: I'm not sure what to feel or do as of the moment or at all. What shall i do ?

I'm a working adult, and having a salary that can sustain me till end month.

I'm financially dependent on him because he sometimes uses my cash first before returning it days later, because his job is weekly salary based.

He's going to slip up again, I know.


Sent from my SM-N920I using Tapatalk
alxndr24 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Feel like it's all crumbling around me. falconbridge Considering Divorce or Separation 69 03-04-2017 02:36 PM
Feel like my marriage is falling apart Christoph0127 Considering Divorce or Separation 24 02-08-2017 03:17 PM
I feel like I'm doing all the work ktheuerkauf Considering Divorce or Separation 3 02-03-2017 08:51 AM
Filed in NY. Feel horrible. Almost-Done Going Through Divorce or Separation 25 04-21-2016 01:59 PM
What to do when you feel like leaving but also feel like itís your entire fault. settok Considering Divorce or Separation 6 03-26-2016 08:58 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome