Found this site by accident.. - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 11:54 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Found this site by accident..

I need help, advise. I'm married for 4 yrs, but ready to leave. Heres the run down, he's been caught numerous times on Craigslist emailing young girls...( in their 20's) he's 52. Even gave one of those girls $ for bills. So the trust is gone. He is mean, makes fun of me when I talk to him . ( I get nervous so I tend to stutter or use my hands ). I left him once and he promised me he would stop, and would do counseling so I came back, and now there is no communication, i come home from work, and if he's home he doesn't talk to me. I cook , clean up after him. He's a farmer so he's always busy. Which is one thing, but I'm lonely here . My parents hate him, so they don't talk to me.
He's says if I leave him I'm a quitter, maybe so but I don't want to live like this. I shouldn't have to beg him to be with me. When I do, he says " boo hoo, the world doesn't revolve around me" he's just a jerk to me. The only time he acts like he likes me is in bed before he leaves because he wants sex. I just can't do it, because I don't trust him, and because he's so disrespectful to me. He then makes me feel guilty. I'm 42 and feel like I'm missing out on fun times. I'm jealous of happy couples who do things together. I wish it were me.
I want to leave , but feel guilty. How do I get over that? How do I put my own happiness first? I try to convince myself that if he is talking to someone else again, she can have him and all his BS. He's a narcissist , he controls everything, where we go, if we go, what we watch on tv, etc.
I recently found a therapist , and was informed this is an emotionally abusive marriage and that I have anxiety. I worry all day about a guy who treats me like crap! What is wrong with me? Why can't I cut the ties to him?

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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 12:12 PM
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Re: Found this site by accident..

Do you work? Can you support yourself?
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 01:04 PM
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Re: Found this site by accident..

He tells you that you are a quitter? Isn't he the quitter? He's the one who has trashed your marriage by doing stuff with woman craig's list and verbally & emotionally abusing you. He says that the world does not revolve around you. Well it does not revolve around him either.

You know that this is a very unhealthy relationship for you. So why are you staying.

Here is something for you to do. Read your post over a few times. Then you reply to your post and your questions as though you are someone else. What would you tell someone else who wrote the same thing that you wrote?

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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 01:28 PM
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Re: Found this site by accident..

I think you need to leave and see how he responds to that.
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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 01:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Found this site by accident..

I would tell someone in my shoes to leave and never look back!
Yes I work, full time. It would be tough but I could support myself with another job.
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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 01:38 PM
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Re: Found this site by accident..

Quote:
Originally Posted by B74 View Post
I would tell someone in my shoes to leave and never look back!
Yes I work, full time. It would be tough but I could support myself with another job.
So why don't you leave?

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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 02:37 PM
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Cool Re: Found this site by accident..

Leave!

No one deserves to be treated this way, even on their very worst day!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 05:16 PM
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Re: Found this site by accident..

OP I am glad you are in therapy....it will help you to make the decision to leave. If you have the financial wherewithal and you know he is abusing you, you have no choice but to go. You deserve some happiness and this man is clearly not going to supply it.

When I read your post...all I can think is why would anyone WANT to stay with this guy? There is NOTHING redeeming about him, no positives. He is a JERK. Don't feel guilty...go to your therapy and work with your counselor but get your self esteem back and get out of this relationship.
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-18-2017, 10:23 PM
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Re: Found this site by accident..

I would see a therapist if I was you. There is something psychological going on if you stay with a man like your husband. Leave or seek professional help to find out why you want to be abused and disrespected like is what happening now.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Found this site by accident..

Thanks all. I will keep going to therapy and hopefully get some self respect back. I have to hide the fact that I'm going to a therapist because he gets mad.

I've listened to his blame game for so long that I guess I believe it all . I'm wife number 3 and I guess that once he saw my love and devotion for him he'd be better towards me, but he took that as weakness and made me a doormat.

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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 03:07 PM
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Re: Found this site by accident..

So let me get this straight.

The half-assed opinion of a nasty 52 year old farmer - who has to resort to the 'professional' girls on Craigslist to get himself ANY female attention at all (or worse yet, has to PAY for said attention) - actually holds merit with you?

Seriously?

Anything this asswagon has to say should be laughed merrily at, including his nonsense about 'quitters.' How can you possibly take this idiot seriously when he's resorting to Craigslist looking for girlie action with 20-somethings (who wouldn't touch his hayseed ass for under $100)? I mean that sincerely - who would take such a joke of a human being seriously? He's a friggen embarrassment to himself. I'd be curious to know exactly how many 20-somethings have lined up out at the barn, anxious for a turn with Farmer Brown. I'm betting that number is exactly ZERO. What a douche.

Do you REALLY need to pay some therapist to tell you what a complete douche canoe this guy is? I just told you for free.
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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 03:30 PM
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Re: Found this site by accident..

I'm having a hard time figuring out WHY you would feel guilty leaving him?? He DESERVES to be left! Life is too short to be with someone who sucks the life out of you! Dont you think you deserve better?? Someone who would be NICE to you? Or even just being on your own, with no one being an ass to you!

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 04:30 PM
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Re: Found this site by accident..

Tell him "boo, hoo! The world doesn't revolve around you either!
Go find someone else to abuse!!"
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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 05:09 PM
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Re: Found this site by accident..

Quote:
Originally Posted by B74 View Post
Thanks all. I will keep going to therapy and hopefully get some self respect back. I have to hide the fact that I'm going to a therapist because he gets mad.

I've listened to his blame game for so long that I guess I believe it all . I'm wife number 3 and I guess that once he saw my love and devotion for him he'd be better towards me, but he took that as weakness and made me a doormat.
Not to be harsh here, but to help you get a better perspective on what is going on... he did not make you a doormat. When he saw that your love and devotion he decided to abuse you. You are the one who made yourself a doormat. You need to realize that you own your own actions.

He chose you as a wife because he figured out that you have no boundaries. You allow yourself to be abused and that's what he wants, a woman who he can abuse.
Abuse is about control and control is about him using the control he has over you to make himself feel better. He can beat you down and then sit there and look at you with contempt, feeling that he is better than you. Plus, people who abuse are unhappy people. And a lot of unhappy people what everyone else around them to be unhappy. If he’s suffering, he needs to make you suffer.

Years ago, I left an abusive husband. In the intake session for abuse counseling, the counselor asked what I expected to get out of counseling. I told her that I wanted to find out why I picked a man like him so that I did not do it again. Her response was that she already knew the answer to that… I did not pick him. He picked me. And he picked me because I did not have healthy boundaries.

She explained that abusers are very good at picking the people who let themselves be abuse. The way they do it is with elimination tests.

When they first start dating they will do little things. A woman with healthy boundaries will drop them like a hot potato when they do these little things. If the woman stays and makes excuses for the little thing, then they try something just a bit more abusive. And on and on it goes. The woman who stays with the abuser long enough is the one who has no boundaries, the one who makes excuses for his behavior. You were the last women standing, the only one who continually allowed him to abuse you. So... he married you because he knew he could abuse you and control you.

Yea, I felt like an idiot when she explained that to me because I knew she was right.
When we first started dating, he did some small but strange things. For example, I have very pretty, long natural blond hair. I usually just wear it straight. When we first started to date, he said that he did not like my hair and wanted me to change it. WTH? I did not change my hair style, but I made excuses for this nonsense. I thought, well he does not like my hair, ok. I like it. A few weeks later he complained about how I dress. He said I look like a snooty, uppity person because I dress nicely. Well yea, I like to dress nicely. I never paid full price for my clothing, but I shopped the deep sales at the best stores. But I felt self-conscious at that point and started to just wear jeans. I should have dumped his sorry behind at that point. I should not have changed the way I dressed. Do you know what his complaint was about my dressing after we married? I did not dress well enough. But when I did dress nicely he would bring up the snooty dressing thing again. Basically, he just needed something to put me down about.

And this kind of nonsense continued through our relationship. The little nitpicks, the put downs. After we married it got worse… to the point that every word I spoke was picked at, especially if it was when we were with other people. We’d get home and he would yell at me about how stupid everything I said was. And I was actually stupid enough to try to explain and justify.

Yep, I was the last stupid woman standing. The only one who did not dump his controlling butt the first or second time he did his elimination test. But I’ve learned. I have strong boundaries now.

You need to learn to set boundaries. Boundaries are not on his behavior. They are about what you will accept. The problem that I see with what you are saying about the counseling you are getting is that you are there mulling over why you are putting up with this. Instead a good counselor would be helping you write out strong boundaries and helping you determine your actions when he crosses your boundaries.

There are some very good books on Amazon (or any book store) about how to set healthy boundaries. Get one or two, read them, set your boundaries and enforce them.

Here are a couple of links to get you started:

Boundaries for Abusive Relationships Examples

https://terricole.com/setting-and-en...hy-boundaries/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-ar...do-i-get-some/

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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 12:06 PM
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Re: Found this site by accident..

Wow Elegirl that was great.

I understand feeling stuck. I've put up with cheating and what I call the "marriage hokey pokey" (one foot in and one foot out) for years. But in February he moved out to try to "figure out what he wants." He still doesn't know what he wants but now I know what I want. Not having him around has shown me how much less anxiety I have when I don't have to deal with his lying and shady behavior in my face. You may be surprised at how much clarity some space can bring. Is there somewhere you can go?

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