Lost - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #1 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:24 PM Thread Starter
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Lost

I'm a 25 year old mom of two. I met my husband in high school at the young age of 15. We have been together for 10 years in May, married for 5 this past January. My husband is the only man I have ever dated. We have had our ups and downs. The worst being this past year. It started off in April when I told him I felt like we were roommates and not married. There was hardly any intimacy and no affection or attention. He asked me what I wanted I said marriage counseling which he initially refused. He said it wasn't going to do is any good and he didn't think he would get anything out of it. He instead said we should have a separation and see other people. He ended up moving out and everything seemed to sprial downhill from there. It felt as if he was making no attempts to fix what was wrong. Every time I would try to have a conversation he would either ignore me or start arguing leading to a big fight. After a couple months of this we made no progress and when I would ask him what he wanted he would say that he didn't know. So I took the first step and got divorce papers. I had him come over and sign them and go over the parenting plan. There was no bickering no fighting it was easy and it was the best we had gotten along the whole separation. During the separation he took part in the rumors that people were saying (I was sleeping with a coworker according to everyone. I was not I have only ever been with my husband sexually). And now here we were after signing these papers getting along like old friends. A week or so passed and I had not turned the papers in because we were waiting to get paid to pay for it. He came over one night to be with the kids when I went to work in the morning (I had to work at 4) things got steamy and we ended up having sex. After that it was a rush of emotions. Mentally I was okay with the divorce happening. I had accepted it and honestly happier than I had been in awhile. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. The next day I asked him what this meant and he said he wasn't sure. This went in for a couple days then finally he said he would do marriage counseling. We stayed separated for a couple weeks while starting marriage counseling. Then he moved back in. Marriage counseling didn't seem to do much. There wasn't much we talked about and our last session was only a half hour before there wasn't anything to talk about. So we continued our lives but I can't help feeling like it was a mistake getting back together. He has a dream of being a comic book writer and this hobby of his seems to push me to the back burner. He stays up late all night writing and talking with other comic book writers and then sleeps in all day and doesn't want to get up and do stuff. I feel like we are at two different spots in life and have completely different goals. I have told him that if he keeps this up our relationship will end. At this point I don't know if I really want to be married to him or if it's just out of comfort
I don't wanna have sex with him and we have no similar interests. I feel like we are both two completely different people than we were when we got married and that we have been staying together more so out of comfort
We dated all through high school and both moved out of our parents houses right in with eachother. So we have never experienced time on our own. I'm so confused and lost as to what to do here advice or your own experiences would be great

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post #2 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 11:35 PM
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Re: Lost

Does he work and bring in an income?

It sounds like there is no relationship left. You have divorce papers, why not just turn them into the court and get this over with?

And then tell him to leave.

Last edited by EleGirl; 03-22-2017 at 10:45 PM.
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post #3 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 12:56 AM
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Re: Lost

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mama2310 View Post
I'm a 25 year old mom of two. I met my husband in high school at the young age of 15. We have been together for 10 years in May, married for 5 this past January. My husband is the only man I have ever dated. We have had our ups and downs. The worst being this past year. It started off in April when I told him I felt like we were roommates and not married. There was hardly any intimacy and no affection or attention. He asked me what I wanted I said marriage counseling which he initially refused. He said it wasn't going to do is any good and he didn't think he would get anything out of it. He instead said we should have a separation and see other people. He ended up moving out and everything seemed to sprial downhill from there. It felt as if he was making no attempts to fix what was wrong. Every time I would try to have a conversation he would either ignore me or start arguing leading to a big fight. After a couple months of this we made no progress and when I would ask him what he wanted he would say that he didn't know. So I took the first step and got divorce papers. I had him come over and sign them and go over the parenting plan. There was no bickering no fighting it was easy and it was the best we had gotten along the whole separation. During the separation he took part in the rumors that people were saying (I was sleeping with a coworker according to everyone. I was not I have only ever been with my husband sexually). And now here we were after signing these papers getting along like old friends. A week or so passed and I had not turned the papers in because we were waiting to get paid to pay for it. He came over one night to be with the kids when I went to work in the morning (I had to work at 4) things got steamy and we ended up having sex. After that it was a rush of emotions. Mentally I was okay with the divorce happening. I had accepted it and honestly happier than I had been in awhile. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. The next day I asked him what this meant and he said he wasn't sure. This went in for a couple days then finally he said he would do marriage counseling. We stayed separated for a couple weeks while starting marriage counseling. Then he moved back in. Marriage counseling didn't seem to do much. There wasn't much we talked about and our last session was only a half hour before there wasn't anything to talk about. So we continued our lives but I can't help feeling like it was a mistake getting back together. He has a dream of being a comic book writer and this hobby of his seems to push me to the back burner. He stays up late all night writing and talking with other comic book writers and then sleeps in all day and doesn't want to get up and do stuff. I feel like we are at two different spots in life and have completely different goals. I have told him that if he keeps this up our relationship will end. At this point I don't know if I really want to be married to him or if it's just out of comfort
I don't wanna have sex with him and we have no similar interests. I feel like we are both two completely different people than we were when we got married and that we have been staying together more so out of comfort
We dated all through high school and both moved out of our parents houses right in with eachother. So we have never experienced time on our own. I'm so confused and lost as to what to do here advice or your own experiences would be great
It sounds like this marriage is over and the sex and MC was just a way to ensure it was over.
You are still young, move on with your life.
Do either of you work? How do you support yourself as it doesn't sound like he is supporting you or the kids?
You were both little more than kids when you met. People change and people grow up. Both of you have changed.
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post #4 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 06:06 AM
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Cool Re: Lost

Trial Separations are nothing more than a code word for "sleeping with other people!"

Get yourself tested for the presence of STD's and get a good reputable family attorney to look out for your and your children's primary interests!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #5 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 07:08 AM
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Re: Lost

You were right for each other at 15, but not 25. It happens.... people change. A D is best.

My parents were re-treads, back in '66 and '68. Who knows... you and him may find your way back

to each other at 35. Who knows? But for now, things aren't going well at all. As Arbitrator said,

a trial separation is where the other wants to "test drive other people." Sad people can't be up

front anymore. A true trial separation can possibly save a M but you need two honest people

to do it.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #6 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 10:16 AM
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Re: Lost

You don't have to hate him, and he doesn't have to be a terrible person for you to end the marriage. You can even be friends after divorce. It may be that you two have simply changed over time. You used to be a great match but now are not. That's ok if that is what has happened. It sounds like you've tried hard to make it work.

Have you been back to the MC alone? It might be worth talking to them about how you're feeling. He/she knows you and your situation.

I would prefer marriages and families remain intact, but you will all be ok if it doesn't.

Good luck.
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post #7 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 09:56 PM Thread Starter
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We both work ( I double his income) and currently am going to school for med assisting. I have been in contact with a counselor for just me and I have told him this..We just haven't gone into much detail. He knows I'm not happy but I wanted to see a IC before having a conversation with him
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post #8 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 10:48 PM
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Re: Lost

What is it that you want to discuss with the counselor?
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post #9 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 11:11 PM Thread Starter
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My feeling..i know sounds cliche..i guess I'm having a hard time accepting it. Accepting that we changed so much that we are no longer compatible. I kind of feel like a failure. I hate feeling like I'm failing my kids and letting everyone down.
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post #10 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 12:14 AM
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Re: Lost

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Originally Posted by Mama2310 View Post
My feeling..i know sounds cliche..i guess I'm having a hard time accepting it. Accepting that we changed so much that we are no longer compatible. I kind of feel like a failure. I hate feeling like I'm failing my kids and letting everyone down.
If you want to make one last attempt at fixing things, here are two books that I think are a lot more help than marriage counseling. You both would need to read them and do the work that they say to do. The idea is to restructure your marriage so that the passion/love come back. It works if you both are up to doing it. Read the books in the order listed here: “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”

I would tell him that either he work through the books with every intent to fix your marriage or he can live and you are filing the papers.

You are not letting anyone down. It takes two of to make a marriage work. If he is not willing to do that, you have done all that you can do.

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post #11 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 02:27 AM
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Re: Lost

Does it bother him you make more $ than him? I'm 110% serious.

Spell out exactly what you are seeking, dumb it down if you have to. Use pie charts.

This is why I fell in love with you and this is why I am falling out of love with you.

Hurt feelings may and will take place, but if you know where each other stands.... much much easier.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #12 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 10:40 AM
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Re: Lost

Girl, I feel your pain. I'm in a similar situation. Married my high school sweetheart and fell out of love. Like you, we have nothing in common, there's no intimacy, etc. You're already further along than I am because we haven't even separated. It's coming though. I think you've already made up your mind and know that divorce is the best option. It's just hard to get to that point. I totally understand. I wish you luck and am here to talk if you need to. I know it helps a lot just to get your thoughts out.
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post #13 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 11:08 AM
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Re: Lost

This is what happens when you meet at 15 and you make a decision to spend the next 70+ years of your life with a person you hardly know and you don't even really know yourself, you're barely more than a child.

No surprise things didn't work out now you need to cut your losses and next time go much slower no more getting married because as you have already figured out- feelings change over time.
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post #14 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 11:29 AM
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Re: Lost

So, he separated from you to sleep with other females and when his life did not go according to what he thought, he returned and gave you false hope in a reconciliation and you ended up being his roommate with benefits all so you can support his career and he probably dreams of leaving you if he succeeds. Stick a fork in it unless you like being used for your vagina, money, and wasting more of you life on someone that will abandon you again in the future if something better comes along or he gets bored and separates to sleep with other women only to return because who really wants to take a comic book writer seriously for a long term prospect.

You grew up, he did not. He is mostly stuck at 15 thinking the world should revolve around him is my guess.

I am such a tree hugger because it gives me wood!
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post #15 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 11:50 PM Thread Starter
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Well it wasn't like at 15 we decided to get married we didn't get married til 20. We Definitely didn't rush. We were just too young I guess...
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