"Let Go if You love Something" - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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Let each other go and work on becoming a complete individual 14 82.35%
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post #16 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
You're already sitting here worried about her reaction, worried if you're doing this and that, worried about what to do, etc.
You already know that talking to her will be just an exercise in futility.
My suggestion:
Go about your business and detach. Do what you know you SHOULD do as far as help around the house, paying bills. DON'T do any extra.
Remain calm and unemotional whenever you are confronted by her. Use a recorder to record these fights. Show a trusted, older, mature person whom you respect the tapes. Let them decide if she is being unreasonable, or you.

One thing is for certain. You don't have to stay in a relationship that harms you and keeps you unhappy.

I have a question: What do you do for a living? You say she pays more than her half financially. That is unlikely to garner a lot of respect for you.


You got the **** slapped out of you? LOL, you have a woman that has zero respect for you. If she had respect for you, that would NOT happen.
My conclusion: Once she loses respect, she will eventually cheat on you and leave you, or just leave you. It appears she has no respect at all for you. Think about it--- would you hit HER like that? Why not. Exactly.
Therefore the best solution would be to detach, get a better paying job, and determine later what you should do about your marriage. Most likely, the smart money is on moving on.

Thank you for the reply. I definitely understand where you are coming from. I just launched my business as a real-estate investor. I've already got my first couple of deals in the works and getting a business full throttle takes time, consistency, and patience. While I may not have much now, my goal is financial freedom. I do not do well at normal Jobs. Although I do teach guitar because I think it's fun (not bad pay either).


Thank you again for your input. Much appreciated.

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post #17 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:27 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

One doesn't call the police when a woman hits them. Bad advice, methinks. She will quickly turn things around so that the police think YOU are the abuser--- YOU will likely wind up in jail with a domestic violence charge on your record.
What to do when your wife hits you, throws things at you, won't have a constructive conversation about problems with you?

You get a job, detach, and divorce them.
That's what I suggest. How's the sex life? Nonexistant?
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post #18 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

I also forgot to mention that her family is on the wealthier side and she gets financial support from her parents because she is in school atm. So she's not earning by a job/wage or anything yet. That support will end after her school is complete. Also, the physical abuse isn't an everyday thing, but I know it's something that is regarded as highly intolerable.
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post #19 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:27 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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Please let me know your thoughts and thank you for any replies!
-Eric
Eric,
I just want to say that you seem very mature for a 21-year old. Unfortunately your 24 -year old wife doesn't seem to share that trait.

While you're mature enough to try to maintain a stable marriage, there are other things that you are still forced to learn. Your wife is not emotionally healthy and she will likely never change unless perhaps if she realizes that she needs to change. Assuming you not yet have children, you should probably separate for a while for her to realize that you are not willing to be treated poorly.
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post #20 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:29 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

Sometimes the best thing you get from a relationship is life experience of what you will or will not tolerate. I think you are learning that what she is doing is not a loving relationship and not something you want for the rest of your life. To change her behavior you need to be willing to walk away. To have your self respect and you need to be willing to walk away. Sometimes walking away will change her attitude and allow you to fix the problem, but sometimes you just need to leave and never look back.
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post #21 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

Sex life was definitely there, except we actually both don't have crazy sex drives. Once a week or so is normal now. It used to be a bit more than that. Less during final exams and deadlines etc... as well
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post #22 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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Eric,
I just want to say that you seem very mature for a 21-year old. Unfortunately your 24 -year old wife doesn't seem to share that trait.

While you're mature enough to try to maintain a stable marriage, there are other things that you are still forced to learn. Your wife is not emotionally healthy and she will likely never change unless perhaps if she realizes that she needs to change. Assuming you not yet have children, you should probably separate for a while for her to realize that you are not willing to be treated poorly.

Yes, no kids involved. Thank you for the input and I agree with your statement.
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post #23 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:42 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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I'll definitely search that book right now. Things I like to do are hiking, exploring, writing music, martial arts, and of course I enjoy working on my business as well. I'm always open to new things as well. I would say you are right on the too dependent thing. That sentence was very insightful. Also, I would say that the arguing over something I think I did wrong, that happens about 5/10 (10 being all the time). In some cases I actually do make bad decisions and accept responsibility for them.

Thank you
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Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No or Boundaries in Marriage

Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men

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"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.


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post #24 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:42 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

Do NOT have kids with her. Do not rely on her for birth control. Use condoms and spermicide EVERY TIME. If she does not want that, don't have sex with her. Once you have kids, a nice guy like you will find it impossible to consider divorce.

Get No More Mr. Nice Guy TODAY. Start doing the breaking free exercises today. When you are well into implementing them, get and read Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S.

You are passive and co-dependent. Life tends to beat up people like that, no matter how nice you are to everyone around you. In fact, BECAUSE you are too nice to everyone around you.

You will find, to your surprise, that people treat you better when you behave more selfishly. It is NOT the case that the nicer you are to other people, the nicer they are back to you. Being polite only helps up to a point. Beyond that point, almost all people lose respect for you and some of them will take advantage of your weakness. It is lose lose for you. The people who like you and don't take advantage of you will sympathize but they won't do anything to make up for the losses you endure at the hands of those who abuse you.

Women do not find doormats attractive. Women have to respect a man to find him attractive. Women will never respect a man who allows her to hit him. Or walk all over him. If you want a better type of woman in your next relationship, you need to start standing up for yourself more. Might as well practice on your current wife.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #25 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 06:30 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

OP,
Non sugar coated truth. People of privilege are quite often expectant of their way. They have an exaggerated view/opinion of themselves and an unrealistic idea of life in general. They tend to see others as a means to their end. She has seemingly been used to having what she wants and anything that is put ahead of her is unacceptable in her eyes. Hardship builds character and the lack thereof creates people like your wife. Hardship also builds intellect and intellect is required in any negotiation therefore, when you two "discuss" a situation and you are in less than complete agreement with her point of view she cannot present rational, reasoned arguments to validate her point so she does what someone lacking cognition does and resorts to violence.

She has much growing up to do and your decision must be do you wish to participate in that growth. If you do then you must begin to introduce reality into her world. If she becomes violent, defend yourself. I am not advocating offensive actions at all and never would but do not allow her to land blows on you. Duck them, block them or whatever but she must be made to understand that you are not her personal punching bag. Reasoning with her will prove mostly ineffectual and offensive physical violence is not the answer, that should have been done to her derriere by her parents when she was much younger but that ship has left the port and now it becomes your problem.

In all honesty the odds of this marriage working are almost wholly dependent upon whether or not she is capable of maturing beyond her present state. Mental growth can occur into the mid twenties but it requires much stimuli to induce and you are probably not fully prepared to handle this level of intensity due to your own inexperience. Obviously the easier thing to do would be divorce and move on but if you are committed to making your marriage work then you will have to step up to the role of quasi-parent. A difficult undertaking indeed for someone of your age and experience. However, if you are willing and she receptive then you two could grow together and could one day be quite happy but you will have to take the lead in that journey.

It will require much study and research on your part to understand the psyche of an immature individual so that you can manipulate her growth. It would have been very much different if the spankings were not omitted from her growing years and that is really what she needs now but it would be looked on socially as wrong at this point although I would much rather see her spanked than to face the life she may have in store if she continues on in her current mindset. Good fortune young man.

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post #26 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 07:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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OP,
Non sugar coated truth. People of privilege are quite often expectant of their way. They have an exaggerated view/opinion of themselves and an unrealistic idea of life in general. They tend to see others as a means to their end. She has seemingly been used to having what she wants and anything that is put ahead of her is unacceptable in her eyes. Hardship builds character and the lack thereof creates people like your wife. Hardship also builds intellect and intellect is required in any negotiation therefore, when you two "discuss" a situation and you are in less than complete agreement with her point of view she cannot present rational, reasoned arguments to validate her point so she does what someone lacking cognition does and resorts to violence.

She has much growing up to do and your decision must be do you wish to participate in that growth. If you do then you must begin to introduce reality into her world. If she becomes violent, defend yourself. I am not advocating offensive actions at all and never would but do not allow her to land blows on you. Duck them, block them or whatever but she must be made to understand that you are not her personal punching bag. Reasoning with her will prove mostly ineffectual and offensive physical violence is not the answer, that should have been done to her derriere by her parents when she was much younger but that ship has left the port and now it becomes your problem.

In all honesty the odds of this marriage working are almost wholly dependent upon whether or not she is capable of maturing beyond her present state. Mental growth can occur into the mid twenties but it requires much stimuli to induce and you are probably not fully prepared to handle this level of intensity due to your own inexperience. Obviously the easier thing to do would be divorce and move on but if you are committed to making your marriage work then you will have to step up to the role of quasi-parent. A difficult undertaking indeed for someone of your age and experience. However, if you are willing and she receptive then you two could grow together and could one day be quite happy but you will have to take the lead in that journey.

It will require much study and research on your part to understand the psyche of an immature individual so that you can manipulate her growth. It would have been very much different if the spankings were not omitted from her growing years and that is really what she needs now but it would be looked on socially as wrong at this point although I would much rather see her spanked than to face the life she may have in store if she continues on in her current mindset. Good fortune young man.

Thank you for the reply. I am going to read that book right now to see what insights it may give me for my situation.

Honestly, she's very intellectual (Master of Architecture) and smart. Sometimes we just don't dance the same dance and that is where things go wrong.
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post #27 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 07:34 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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Hi all, my name is Eric and after reading some posts on here I decided to give this forum a shot as I have seen many helpful responses from the users here. Part if this is seeking the counsel of others while it also about me expressing my emotions and feelings through typing this. Also, I thank you in advance for taking the time to read and respond to this post. I sincerely appreciate it. Please be honest and do not sugar coat anything. I'm looking for real and un-biased answers (hence why I'm asking strangers).

Background: My wife and I are both currently very young. I am 21 and she is 24. We have actually been married since I was 18 and she was 21, so three years. We have many common interests together, traveling, playing/writing music, and other hobbies. She studies architecture (grad student almost done) and I've just started along my own path as a real-estate investor. When we were first together I loved her like CRAZY. The first years we were together were nothing short of amazing. However, I feel like there have been some serious issues lately and that it has made some extremely large tears in our relationship. Before I proceed, I would like to mention she takes care of about 60 or 65% of the finances (from help of family) and does little housework. She does cook sometimes though. I do all the cooking, cleaning, maintaining, and I also run our Airbnb business for us because she is too busy with school. For now, I haven't been in business too long as to where I make a ton of money. So things happen to be a little tense on that front for now as well.

The Problem(s): As I type this message, I had to sleep on the floor in the room next to our bedroom because I got locked out of our room last night (crappy timing to have an Airbnb guest arrive that day as well...). The reason was that I had to finish cleaning for the Airbnb and didn't do what she asked me to do (prepare some food that would've taken less than 5 minutes). I admit, this was a mistake on my part. However, it's not just this, but it's how she reacts to things like this. She sometimes has a hard time controlling herself and she ended up throwing things at me (small items, not plates etc...). I listened to her reasoning and she said "You're never putting me first, it's always, this, then that, then that, and then you finally get to where I am." Again, I could improve on this for sure. Quarrels like these have happened more times as well (for different reasons), some more severe (sometimes she does get physical and I try to just dodge instead of block, mostly slap attempts). Although, I understand her positioning/reasoning, I absolutely disagree with the way the conflict is handled. In the most heated exchange, she slapped me so hard the right side of my face went numb for 5 minutes. Even though I work so hard everyday to get the life that we want together it just seems to me that no matter the level of detail, something is wrong with the way I'm doing things. I try to be cognizant of everything and I know I'm young, but I put myself in the category of being much more mature than other associates of my age (all of my "friends" are roughly 8-10 years older than me). I put us first and work for the future, however she sees it differently. She thinks I am not "with" her, rather I'm just present physically.

At the same time, I love her and want to try to be the best me that I can, but harmoniously I'm asking myself... why is she with you (me)? She doesn't seem happy with changes I've made. I also feel like those heated arguments/exchanges definitely put a bad dent in the relationship as it's so hard to look at the same person the same way as before. Hopefully my ideas are still coherent up to this point. Also, I'm really starting to think we are just incompatible at this point. There has been no cheating on each other or any sneaky behind-the-back stuff either. I don't think we "hate" each other either. That is definitely not the right word. So, I guess I'm just lost on what my next step should be and how to proceed with this situation. We hope to have a conversation tonight. I tell her I want us to communicate, but she angrily doesn't say anything and ignores me. Although, historically, she will eventually talk after her initial anger/frustration wears off.


Is it best we let each other go and head our separate ways to work on ourselves? Should we work through it together and become stronger? Something like this is very emotionally and logically complex and I do not believe I can figure this out on my own.

Also, I know since I'm writing this that there is bias where I am trying to make you guys think she is the "bad guy." When there is no good or bad. Please ask for more details if necessary.

Please let me know your thoughts and thank you for any replies!
-Eric
She is the dominant, you are the submissive, this is the power dynamic of your marriage, however it has turned into abuse, you have 2 options, man up and deal with it, which is unlikely to change the power dynamic, or get a divorce which is the most likely scenario where the abuse stops.
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post #28 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 07:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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She is the dominant, you are the submissive, this is the power dynamic of your marriage, however it has turned into abuse, you have 2 options, man up and deal with it, which is unlikely to change the power dynamic, or get a divorce which is the most likely scenario where the abuse stops.
I agree with that and have identified that as so. I have struggled to combat this and wish it was more balanced. However, through these posts and responses I've slowly put some pieces together.

Thank you all so far!
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post #29 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 07:49 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

I would never stay with an abusive violent spouse. She sounds like the immature one here, yet you are younger. I am sorry but abusers rarely change, and usually get more violent and abusive as time passes especially if their partner just accepts it.
if you had a child, would you suggest they stay with someone who hits them and throws things at them? Who locks them out of their own bedroom and makes them sleep on the floor?How about the next time she does this you go and stay elsewhere for the night and
dont tell her where you have been.
I would usually advise to work things out, but not with an abuser. I think you have made a massive mistake marrying this lady and things will almost certainly get worse.

If you must stay and be abused, keep a detailed account of all the abuse along with pictures, and tell her that if she EVER hits you again you are leaving, and you must mean it. At the moment there are no consequences to her had behaviour and you are walking on eggshells all the time which is VERY draining and can lead to emotional problems.You are living in fear of her violence and temper.
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post #30 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 08:29 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

Personally I think you need to reassess your life. You are a very young man getting beat up by your wife. That is a hell of a place to be. You show people how they should treat you. You have a responsibility to not allow yourself to be abused. Where is your honor?

This may be a good book for you to read.
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