"Let Go if You love Something" - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

View Poll Results: What should the bottom line be?
Work through issues together and become stronger 3 17.65%
Let each other go and work on becoming a complete individual 14 82.35%
Voters: 17. You may not vote on this poll

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post #31 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 08:32 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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Also, the physical abuse isn't an everyday thing, but I know it's something that is regarded as highly intolerable.
Once is enough. Seriously you deserve better.

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post #32 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 09:20 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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I agree with that and have identified that as so. I have struggled to combat this and wish it was more balanced. However, through these posts and responses I've slowly put some pieces together.

Thank you all so far!
For whatever reason, I have several theory, dominant women tend to be abusive unless caged early on.
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post #33 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:16 AM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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Thank you for the reply. I am going to read that book right now to see what insights it may give me for my situation.

Honestly, she's very intellectual (Master of Architecture) and smart. Sometimes we just don't dance the same dance and that is where things go wrong.
It is a common misconception to equate the ability to store and regurgitate knowledge to intellect but in reality intelligence is the ability to compile, disseminate and create new knowledge from existing data. "Common sense" versus "booksmart". A person can be quite knowledgeable and yet lack the ability to use that knowledge effectively.

Peace and long life
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post #34 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 06:39 AM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

I don't believe in giving up so quickly! If there is love in your marriage then there are still many things to try before ending it. First - start with some marriage counseling. You both need to learn communication and conflict resolution skills. There is NO EXCUSE for physical and emotional abuse - ever! Find a good marriage counselor. If she won't go with you - go alone and do individual counseling! You can't change her - you can only change yourself. Hopefully - she is agreeable to working on your marriage too and working on her own issues.

I agree with others that you need to learn to set and enforce proper boundaries on how you will allow her to treat you. Counseling will help you with that too! So bottom line - don't give up on your marriage yet. Start to work on yourself, read the books suggested, get some professional counseling for you, and hopefully marriage counselling for both of you. Then see where you and your marriage are at. Hopefully you will find it in a much better state because of your new learned skills. Good Luck!
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post #35 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 07:02 AM
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Cool Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

While you both are still awfully young and given that there hasn't been an episode of infidelity in your lives, I'd give some leeway to telling you, @E ric ~ that there's still ample time to adjust!

But given the magnitude of her behavior and actions, I greatly feel that you must ask yourself this one empowering question:

In this regard, what will her behavior be like toward you say in 5, 10, 15, or even 25 years?

She seems like an overly-financially pampered child who has always been given her way without question, by parents of rather upper economic means! Does she have siblings and if so, are they the same way? What is their interaction process with her?

Without the presence of kids, now would be a good time to escape from that "concentration camp!"

So right now, exactly what do your gut instincts tell you about your current situation as well as whatever the prognosis is on the long term future?

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #36 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 09:23 AM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

Couldn't finish your post.

You strike me as a beta male in a very bad sense.

Mrs. Conan gets pissy and slaps me? She knows I will pick her little ass up, carry her to the bedroom and administer a spanking possibly followed by banging her brains out.

She ever locked me out of my own bedroom? Seriously?

The moment I became convinced she wasn't opening the door, it would be slammed off it's hinges.

I would then calmly ask her what she wanted in the divorce and she would be doing backflips if she expected to keep me after a *****y stunt like that.

I didn't vote but would advise you to stop the rollercoaster you call a marriage and get help.

You are far too accepting of abuse and she doesn't know how to respond in a healthy manner to apparently any of life's little hiccups.
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post #37 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 10:19 AM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

She is abusive and has issues you cannot fix. I voted to end it.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #38 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 10:24 AM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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Couldn't finish your post.

You strike me as a beta male in a very bad sense.

Mrs. Conan gets pissy and slaps me? She knows I will pick her little ass up, carry her to the bedroom and administer a spanking possibly followed by banging her brains out.

She ever locked me out of my own bedroom? Seriously?

The moment I became convinced she wasn't opening the door, it would be slammed off it's hinges.

I would then calmly ask her what she wanted in the divorce and she would be doing backflips if she expected to keep me after a *****y stunt like that.

I didn't vote but would advise you to stop the rollercoaster you call a marriage and get help.

You are far too accepting of abuse and she doesn't know how to respond in a healthy manner to apparently any of life's little hiccups.
you think like me, except I try not to get domestic abuse charges filed in court, lol
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post #39 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 12:08 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

Ironically @E ric.... submissive women loathe submissive men. They seek out alpha males to take charge for them.

So you have two choices really (AFTER you dump this nut bag you're with since that's not really an option):

1) Continue getting slapped around by dominant women who seek out punching bags like you for their own amusement.

2) Work VERY HARD on fixing your beta mentality. At least enough, to find a normal woman who will not lose respect for you.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #40 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 12:11 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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There are also some who offer bad advice like "try to work it out with a physical abuser" because maybe they can change.

99% of these situations only escalate over time and RARELY ends well with spouses who are very comfortable with violence.

She slaps you around @E ric because she has no respect for you and thinks your a little *****. Leave her before you end up dead.
While you're post is true and no one should put up with an abusive spouse, at the same time has he ever stood up for himself? I myself have never been in an abusive relationship but I know some who have. Typically the abusiveness starts with the loss of respect and knowing that they can get away with smacking or throwing things with no repercussions. It's like when you were a kid and someone picked on you. They'll keep picking on you until you stand up to them and let them know you're not going to take it anymore.

Before just giving up and walking out on the marriage, he at least owes it to himself to finally make a stand and let her know he's not going to take her crap anymore. It might make a difference and it might not.

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post #41 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 12:29 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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While you're post is true and no one should put up with an abusive spouse, at the same time has he ever stood up for himself? I myself have never been in an abusive relationship but I know some who have. Typically the abusiveness starts with the loss of respect and knowing that they can get away with smacking or throwing things with no repercussions. It's like when you were a kid and someone picked on you. They'll keep picking on you until you stand up to them and let them know you're not going to take it anymore.

Before just giving up and walking out on the marriage, he at least owes it to himself to finally make a stand and let her know he's not going to take her crap anymore. It might make a difference and it might not.
Agree to disagree.

You stand up to strangers who bully you all day long but your own wife? Someone who's supposed to LOVE you and PROTECT you?

Nah, you dump them hard and fast. With loved ones like that, who needs enemies? If I have to "stand up" to my spouse, that's no spouse worth having.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #42 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 12:32 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

If you want this marriage to work you are going to have to stop her from physically abusing you and her rage has to kept under control. I'm notg sure I see that happened though. You seem content to just her do it. In that case I would advise you to divorce her.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #43 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 12:39 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

I strongly believe in the saying that if you love someone you let her go. If she returns she is yours. If not she never was meant to be so. I entered into an ethical non monogamous marriage with my wife. If I treated her badly or was unwilling to fulfill her important needs, she was free to go and date some other men or women to get what she needs. I set her free and she came back to me and stayed with me forsaking others.

I’ve seen how the whole relationship lockdown breeds an almost viral tendency to take the other person for granted, to have huge expectations, and to deliver this all from a sense of duty and obligation — without a thank you! This stifling setup can lead to cheating and/or divorce. It is like when you are dating girls. You are on your best behavior because your date can easily find someone better. That is how it feels in a non monogamous marriage. Not pushing this lifestyle because I have seen it fail more than succeed. I am just trying to explain my feelings on the subject and what worked for us. In fact, after my wife had sex with another man she said I was more than enough and she could not imagine more intense orgasms than she was getting from me. She never had sex with another man again. Women were a different story but I cannot compete with a vagina.

The point is that I was engaged once before and I can feel the difference in love when your partner is with you because their morality gives them no other choice. They do not have to make you feel sexy every day or compromise with you. You will always be there. With my wife, I know that she can date anyone she wants to and she has had a lot of offers, but she only wants me, not out of obligation or morals, but because she loves me enough to only want me and is willing to make sure she lets me know each and every day how much I mean to her. I do the same with her. For a couple in our mid sixties we are very frisky. None of our friends even have sex anymore. I make my 65 year old wife feel like she is the sexiest girl in the world. Every day I make sure she knows how desirable she is to me. When she asked me how I could feel that way about a 65 year old woman, even though she is considered a hottie among the woman her age and can pull off a bikini still, I tell her that when I see her I see the girl that I married at 19.

We both agreed that we would have divorced like all of our friends and siblings if we did not give each other the freedom to leave and explore others. We did explore and in the end discovered that we only wanted each other, not out of a sense of commitment or we were stuck with each other due to religion or a morality that fails a marriage 50% of the time, but because we truly love each other and no other.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.
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post #44 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 01:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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I strongly believe in the saying that if you love someone you let her go. If she returns she is yours. If not she never was meant to be so. I entered into an ethical non monogamous marriage with my wife. If I treated her badly or was unwilling to fulfill her important needs, she was free to go and date some other men or women to get what she needs. I set her free and she came back to me and stayed with me forsaking others.

I’ve seen how the whole relationship lockdown breeds an almost viral tendency to take the other person for granted, to have huge expectations, and to deliver this all from a sense of duty and obligation — without a thank you! This stifling setup can lead to cheating and/or divorce. It is like when you are dating girls. You are on your best behavior because your date can easily find someone better. That is how it feels in a non monogamous marriage. Not pushing this lifestyle because I have seen it fail more than succeed. I am just trying to explain my feelings on the subject and what worked for us. In fact, after my wife had sex with another man she said I was more than enough and she could not imagine more intense orgasms than she was getting from me. She never had sex with another man again. Women were a different story but I cannot compete with a vagina.

The point is that I was engaged once before and I can feel the difference in love when your partner is with you because their morality gives them no other choice. They do not have to make you feel sexy every day or compromise with you. You will always be there. With my wife, I know that she can date anyone she wants to and she has had a lot of offers, but she only wants me, not out of obligation or morals, but because she loves me enough to only want me and is willing to make sure she lets me know each and every day how much I mean to her. I do the same with her. For a couple in our mid sixties we are very frisky. None of our friends even have sex anymore. I make my 65 year old wife feel like she is the sexiest girl in the world. Every day I make sure she knows how desirable she is to me. When she asked me how I could feel that way about a 65 year old woman, even though she is considered a hottie among the woman her age and can pull off a bikini still, I tell her that when I see her I see the girl that I married at 19.

We both agreed that we would have divorced like all of our friends and siblings if we did not give each other the freedom to leave and explore others. We did explore and in the end discovered that we only wanted each other, not out of a sense of commitment or we were stuck with each other due to religion or a morality that fails a marriage 50% of the time, but because we truly love each other and no other.
Fantastic Post. Thank you.
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post #45 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 02:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

Good day to everyone, I wanted to post this to provide an update on what is happening.

Last night we had a 2+ hour discussion about everything. I thought extremely hard about what is the next step. Essentially, I proposed one of two options. I thought about all of the answers given in this thread to help me make some decisions as well.

1.) Separation. This would be the only possible conclusion if this circle continues. Clearly, the way things are going no one is happy with each other.

2.) We do an extreme re-assessment of expectations, conflict resolutions, and non negotiable needs in the relationship in order to shift the overall dynamic of our relationship.

We have ultimately concluded for option #2. Reasoning:

It's near impossible to tell a life story through a forum post, so everyone cannot see the whole picture. I happen to agree with the other posters that if we really had it with each other, someone would've cheated by now. I should mention we also had a one year long distance relationship and that we maintained. However, I know there is still love present. It just has to be shifted.

We're working on putting this type of "charter" together to make sure everything is solid and crystal clear to one another. I believe this is the only way to change things. Of course, I definitely took everyone's advice and told her that her reactions will not be tolerated any further. She knows I can survive on my own and that I do have access to other resources. I absolutely told her, if we can't agree to move forward with these changes and both agree on the terms then the only other option is we split up. After all the effort of trying to make it happen, if we still revert to our old ways, #1 would be the only option left.


What advice do you guys have for the above? Essentially I proposed we lay out crystal clear guidelines for expectations, needs (for both of us), and conflict resolution. In my gut, I definitely feel like I'm making the right move here by trying some radically different (as opposed to just a simple apology etc...)


EDIT: I'm definitely going to go through these forums and get lots of ideas from other people and what has worked for them. I will definitely finish the No More Mr. Nice Guy book and I will definitely complete the N.U.T.S as well. Identifying these is also a necessary step in personal growth as well.

How else can I improve upon what I had mentioned previously? Please feel free to respond.

-E

Last edited by E ric; 03-23-2017 at 02:15 PM.
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