"Let Go if You love Something" - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 03:27 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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I happen to agree with the other posters that if we really had it with each other, someone would've cheated by now.
Spouses who aren't respected get cheated on. You are an incredibly disrespected spouse.

Not saying she cheated on you since you have not presented any evidence she has.

All I'm saying, is I wouldn't be surprised one bit. I wouldn't take it off the table man.

Just saying.....


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post #47 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 03:36 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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Agree to disagree.

You stand up to strangers who bully you all day long but your own wife? Someone who's supposed to LOVE you and PROTECT you?

Nah, you dump them hard and fast. With loved ones like that, who needs enemies? If I have to "stand up" to my spouse, that's no spouse worth having.
But see that's my point. She's supposed to love, protect and respect him but she's not. At one point she must have or she wouldn't be with him in the first place, and at some point or over the course of time she lost that. So what's the harm in standing up to her, give her something she isn't expecting, it might just shock so respect back into and they can go from there. It's clear he loves her or he wouldn't be here asking for advice on how he can possibly fix the situation. What's the worst that could happen, he grows a set, stands up to her BS and shows her he's not going to stand for it anymore, and things still don't work out and they divorce? At least by finally standing up to her, he may regain some self respect that will only help him in his next relationship.
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post #48 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 03:41 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

Only advice for you is to have a zero tolerance policy toward her. None of this "she is only human" acceptance of slip ups. She has to be perfect or you walk.

I doubt she can be perfect, because she does not sound sufficiently remorseful. She doesn't sound like she is horrified by what she did to you. Or that is was isolated or uncharacteristic for her.

And I doubt you will hold her to it and walk when she slips up. I am praying you prove me wrong.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #49 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 03:47 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

Your #2 option is mandatory whether you stay in the same home or you separate, its a non-negotiable. And I agree you need a zero tolerance policy... the very next time she gets physical, you end it.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #50 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 03:57 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

IMHO, you are coming across ad being passive or submissive. Your wife is verbally and physically abusive towards you. Sounds awfully excessive to lock you out because you didn't prepare some food for her. I know you're young but no one deserve to be treated that way. You need to set up some boundaries and expectations for the relationship and at this point I would suggest separating and individual counseling.

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post #51 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 07:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

Yes, I will make it clear that any other physical harm will not be tolerated or I walk. I totally agree on that. I also said to her it doesn't matter why it just matters that it happened. Whether or not I did something wrong.

That will be one of the things I stick to my word on. Thank you once again for all who have helped. Please feel free to offer any more advice as I will continue to check on this thread for awhile.

-E
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post #52 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 07:50 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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Yes, I will make it clear that any other physical harm will not be tolerated or I walk. I totally agree on that. I also said to her it doesn't matter why it just matters that it happened. Whether or not I did something wrong.

That will be one of the things I stick to my word on. Thank you once again for all who have helped. Please feel free to offer any more advice as I will continue to check on this thread for awhile.

-E
Just wanted to say I don't think you are a submissive. I would definitely call you a dominant.

You are taking responsibility for getting this relationship back on track, and doing it with a lot of love, intelligence, compassion, and maturity. That is definitely dominant behavior.

She is very lucky.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #53 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 08:25 AM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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But see that's my point. She's supposed to love, protect and respect him but she's not. At one point she must have or she wouldn't be with him in the first place, and at some point or over the course of time she lost that. So what's the harm in standing up to her, give her something she isn't expecting, it might just shock so respect back into and they can go from there. It's clear he loves her or he wouldn't be here asking for advice on how he can possibly fix the situation. What's the worst that could happen, he grows a set, stands up to her BS and shows her he's not going to stand for it anymore, and things still don't work out and they divorce? At least by finally standing up to her, he may regain some self respect that will only help him in his next relationship.
I like your compassion, you're a good person. I wish I had it but I just don't. Its great to get all hung up on the "fight for them" "soul mate" mentality that tv has brainwashed everyone with. Life's NOT a Disney fairytale. He will wake up one day and realize it like most people eventually do.

The truth is:

He's 21, has his WHOLE life ahead of him and NOW is time to start over and chalk it up to "young and dumb" If his real estate business takes off he'll be swimming in dough. If he's in half decent shape he's GOLDEN. There's TONS of single good women in his age bracket. He can't see the forest threw the ugly tree in his way. He's codependent on her and obsessed with trying to make it work because he's a fool. He thinks this is love when its just chemicals in his brain affecting his judgment. Most of us are foolish at that age then we get to our 40s and say "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!?"

Not to worry, he's going to try to work it out with her unfortunately. I could tell from post #1 he was too weak to do the hard work of actually dumping her and just wants easy answers on how to tolerate her physical abuse. Some people only learn the hard way. And he will continue to get slapped around like a punk until he either wakes up and get some self respect or she messes him up and hurts him or feigns injury and gets him tossed in jail. Hopefully by then he won't be TOO broken to start over.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou

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post #54 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 08:45 AM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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The truth is:

He's codependent on her and obsessed with trying to make it work because he's a fool. He thinks this is love when its just chemicals in his brain affecting his judgment. Most of us are at that age are fools then we get to our 40s and say "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!?"

I could tell from post #1 he was too weak to do the hard work of actually dumping her and just wants easy answers on how to tolerate her physical abuse.
I do agree with you, here and in most of your other posts, and yes my thinking on things is a little different as was my situation. One of my points with Eric here is that yes, he is young, he does have his whole life ahead of him, he is codependent and he is too weak to just say the hell with it and dump her. But at the same time he needs to stand up for himself, for his own well being and this situation is the best opportunity to do so. If he stands up for himself and she doesn't change or start to make an attempt, then yes it's time to end it. But at least it will have helped him start to take back his manhood which can only help his confidence in future relationships. If he doesn't stand up to her and let her know he's not going to take this anymore and he just continues on being the same weak codependent person, that will never change and could lead him into another relationship just like this one. He needs to stand up for himself and stick this out a little while to see if things change, if for nothing more than to be a learning experience for him because he is so young and naïve.
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post #55 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:14 AM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

What was your wife's response when you told her physical abuse will not be tolerated? You told everyone what you said in the discussion, what did your wife have to say? What were her emotions during the discussion?

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post #56 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 09:29 AM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

Hi Eric,


Thank you for sharing your post. My husband and I were married young too him being 18 and me 22. Being young and being married IMO is difficult because your just starting to figure out who you and Where your life is going and balancing life as a married man and woman. To me you sound like a very level headed individual and you seem to want to not only succeed in life but in your marriage.

The first and most important thing I want to address is your wife's anger, we all get angry but at no time in point is it okay to put your hands on anyone. I know you probably don't want to hear this but that is abuse. It seems that she may have some anger that she is not able to verbalize and so she resorts to lashing out at you. Please if you want to stay in this marriage seek some professional help because this is not healthy in any way. When I was in my twenties the thought of getting help would have sounded insulting to me but I say to you what do you have to loose?


I would like to say that you being locked out of the room and sleeping on the floor is terrible, and it just sucks. I never went to bed angry with my H it was just something that my grandmother told me when I got married . She said never go to bed angry even if you have to stay up all night to resolve the issue. Have a conversation with your wife and tell her everything your feeling and encourage her to tell you how she is feeling. I am sure your wife has some things buried deep inside her that she is not saying and as a result she has pent up anger. It is early in your marriage and if you two can learn to navigate through proper communication then it will be most beneficial. I am saying these things to you not because I am in any position to give the best advise but because I wish someone would have shared these things with me.

It is really up to you at the end of the day if you want to aggressively work on your marriage to the woman you vowed to love. If you try and you both can not work through things at least you separate knowing that you tried and you both can have some kind of closure and move on with your lives. Marriage is a journey ...... I know that sounds cliché but it really is. There are ups and downs and struggles that will test any marriage. Don't get caught up in what people tell you to do read what they write go back and see what their story is and empathize with them so you have a better understanding of why they are giving you the advise their giving.

I have not been on this site for long but the advise that I have gotten with my situation has helped me and made me question my self it has also empowered me. It always boils down to one thing at the end of the day ......What is the best way for YOU to handle your marriage and how you want to address the issues. I wish you nothing but happiness and I am praying that you and your wife will stick it out together and work through your issues.

Respectfully,
28years

PS I am not encouraging you to allow your wife to mistreat you there must be mutual respect for one another if she is not willing to work on her issues that is not your fault.

Last edited by 28years; 03-24-2017 at 09:36 AM.
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post #57 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 02:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

Awesome responses here from everyone yet again. I love seeing both sides of the spectrum and differences in thoughts.

More info:
We worked it out even more and during the conversation, after I told her physical abuse will not be tolerated, she acknowledged her wrongs and was admittedly very sorry for her actions. I said it was unacceptable and she agreed. We worked over how we would resolve conflict with one another, what are expectations were, and we each wrote down our individual needs of the relationship.

I had said, I'm willing to put in the work and effort to continue our relationship, only if these things change. If you're not on board with this, then I have no choice but to leave because both of us will end up not happy and dissatisfied. Since this is new stuff for her too, I believe what we talked about ultimately shattered existing paradigms and set the stage for a new dynamic. I've also been doing my own work. (Page 100 of NMMNG). I've been doing the breaking free's and I've also come up with my new set of NUTS that will act as an indefinite boundary of things I need to have self-fulfillment. I've also told her the importance of being able to walk-away from someone. I'm not trying to be a boy-man anymore. My goal is also to be far more direct, apologize less for petty behavior, and stop seeking external validation (not just in the relationship, but in everyday life).

So far, so good with the new plan and both us seem on board with it. I honestly think this is what is missing. When we first met, this is more of who I was. I wasn't someone who did bended to every last wish, I was someone with passion for what I was doing and not seeking any external validation from our relationship. I think over the years as that changed, I changed and she with it. My father recently passed away because of his alcohol addiction (divorced because it too). He was always trying to make everyone else happy, and I'm having an epiphany as I type this, THAT IS WHERE I GOT THIS FROM. He never stood up to move on and become his own man that stood for his core beliefs and values. He always bowed down to my mom and always tried to please her by trying to do everything the "right" way. He always told me, "I could never be right! It was always this or always that!" I am having full realization now that I was not raised properly to become a man in the true sense of the word. I absolutely will not become like him. I saw the end of his life. He was alone, never moved on, had no true core beliefs, tried to please everyone but himself, took care of everyone but himself, and ultimately this method of living failed him. This is a true insight for me.

All that being said, what are other essential concepts I should read into to improve myself?
-E
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post #58 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 02:19 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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Originally Posted by E ric View Post
Awesome responses here from everyone yet again. I love seeing both sides of the spectrum and differences in thoughts.

More info:
We worked it out even more and during the conversation, after I told her physical abuse will not be tolerated, she acknowledged her wrongs and was admittedly very sorry for her actions. I said it was unacceptable and she agreed. We worked over how we would resolve conflict with one another, what are expectations were, and we each wrote down our individual needs of the relationship.

I had said, I'm willing to put in the work and effort to continue our relationship, only if these things change. If you're not on board with this, then I have no choice but to leave because both of us will end up not happy and dissatisfied. Since this is new stuff for her too, I believe what we talked about ultimately shattered existing paradigms and set the stage for a new dynamic. I've also been doing my own work. (Page 100 of NMMNG). I've been doing the breaking free's and I've also come up with my new set of NUTS that will act as an indefinite boundary of things I need to have self-fulfillment. I've also told her the importance of being able to walk-away from someone. I'm not trying to be a boy-man anymore. My goal is also to be far more direct, apologize less for petty behavior, and stop seeking external validation (not just in the relationship, but in everyday life).

So far, so good with the new plan and both us seem on board with it. I honestly think this is what is missing. When we first met, this is more of who I was. I wasn't someone who did bended to every last wish, I was someone with passion for what I was doing and not seeking any external validation from our relationship. I think over the years as that changed, I changed and she with it. My father recently passed away because of his alcohol addiction (divorced because it too). He was always trying to make everyone else happy, and I'm having an epiphany as I type this, THAT IS WHERE I GOT THIS FROM. He never stood up to move on and become his own man that stood for his core beliefs and values. He always bowed down to my mom and always tried to please her by trying to do everything the "right" way. He always told me, "I could never be right! It was always this or always that!" I am having full realization now that I was not raised properly to become a man in the true sense of the word. I absolutely will not become like him. I saw the end of his life. He was alone, never moved on, had no true core beliefs, tried to please everyone but himself, took care of everyone but himself, and ultimately this method of living failed him. This is a true insight for me.

All that being said, what are other essential concepts I should read into to improve myself?
-E
This all sounds great and is a perfect starting point. The one big big thing with all of this though, whatever you said during the conversation, the things you wanted to see from her and the things you don't want to see from her......when something happens you MUST STAND YOUR GROUND. There is no gimmie room here, if you let anything slide it could cause her to lose more respect for you. And no, there's no need to make a big deal about silly little things that piss you off, you need to pick your battles wisely. But the major things you talked about you must stand your ground on. It's the only way things will get better
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post #59 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 03:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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This all sounds great and is a perfect starting point. The one big big thing with all of this though, whatever you said during the conversation, the things you wanted to see from her and the things you don't want to see from her......when something happens you MUST STAND YOUR GROUND. There is no gimmie room here, if you let anything slide it could cause her to lose more respect for you. And no, there's no need to make a big deal about silly little things that piss you off, you need to pick your battles wisely. But the major things you talked about you must stand your ground on. It's the only way things will get better
Whole-heartedly agree. I made it EXTREMELY clear.
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post #60 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 03:44 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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Whole-heartedly agree. I made it EXTREMELY clear.
I understand that you made everything clear to her, and I think it's a great thing on your part that you were able to do that. The bigger and most important part of all of this though, is that you made it extremely clear to yourself as well. It's like the old saying "Talk is cheap", you've made your stance to your wife, you've told her you're not going to take her crap anymore. But the hardest part of all this is yet to come. The hardest part is going to be when you actually have to act on what you said. You CAN NOT back down on any of it. If you do all it will show her is that talk is cheap and she can continue to walk all over you whenever she wants and you'll do nothing to stop her even though you said you weren't going to take it.
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