"Let Go if You love Something" - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

View Poll Results: What should the bottom line be?
Work through issues together and become stronger 3 17.65%
Let each other go and work on becoming a complete individual 14 82.35%
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post #1 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:36 PM Thread Starter
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Question "Let Go if You love Something"

Hi all, my name is Eric and after reading some posts on here I decided to give this forum a shot as I have seen many helpful responses from the users here. Part if this is seeking the counsel of others while it also about me expressing my emotions and feelings through typing this. Also, I thank you in advance for taking the time to read and respond to this post. I sincerely appreciate it. Please be honest and do not sugar coat anything. I'm looking for real and un-biased answers (hence why I'm asking strangers).

Background: My wife and I are both currently very young. I am 21 and she is 24. We have actually been married since I was 18 and she was 21, so three years. We have many common interests together, traveling, playing/writing music, and other hobbies. She studies architecture (grad student almost done) and I've just started along my own path as a real-estate investor. When we were first together I loved her like CRAZY. The first years we were together were nothing short of amazing. However, I feel like there have been some serious issues lately and that it has made some extremely large tears in our relationship. Before I proceed, I would like to mention she takes care of about 60 or 65% of the finances (from help of family) and does little housework. She does cook sometimes though. I do all the cooking, cleaning, maintaining, and I also run our Airbnb business for us because she is too busy with school. For now, I haven't been in business too long as to where I make a ton of money. So things happen to be a little tense on that front for now as well.

The Problem(s): As I type this message, I had to sleep on the floor in the room next to our bedroom because I got locked out of our room last night (crappy timing to have an Airbnb guest arrive that day as well...). The reason was that I had to finish cleaning for the Airbnb and didn't do what she asked me to do (prepare some food that would've taken less than 5 minutes). I admit, this was a mistake on my part. However, it's not just this, but it's how she reacts to things like this. She sometimes has a hard time controlling herself and she ended up throwing things at me (small items, not plates etc...). I listened to her reasoning and she said "You're never putting me first, it's always, this, then that, then that, and then you finally get to where I am." Again, I could improve on this for sure. Quarrels like these have happened more times as well (for different reasons), some more severe (sometimes she does get physical and I try to just dodge instead of block, mostly slap attempts). Although, I understand her positioning/reasoning, I absolutely disagree with the way the conflict is handled. In the most heated exchange, she slapped me so hard the right side of my face went numb for 5 minutes. Even though I work so hard everyday to get the life that we want together it just seems to me that no matter the level of detail, something is wrong with the way I'm doing things. I try to be cognizant of everything and I know I'm young, but I put myself in the category of being much more mature than other associates of my age (all of my "friends" are roughly 8-10 years older than me). I put us first and work for the future, however she sees it differently. She thinks I am not "with" her, rather I'm just present physically.

At the same time, I love her and want to try to be the best me that I can, but harmoniously I'm asking myself... why is she with you (me)? She doesn't seem happy with changes I've made. I also feel like those heated arguments/exchanges definitely put a bad dent in the relationship as it's so hard to look at the same person the same way as before. Hopefully my ideas are still coherent up to this point. Also, I'm really starting to think we are just incompatible at this point. There has been no cheating on each other or any sneaky behind-the-back stuff either. I don't think we "hate" each other either. That is definitely not the right word. So, I guess I'm just lost on what my next step should be and how to proceed with this situation. We hope to have a conversation tonight. I tell her I want us to communicate, but she angrily doesn't say anything and ignores me. Although, historically, she will eventually talk after her initial anger/frustration wears off.


Is it best we let each other go and head our separate ways to work on ourselves? Should we work through it together and become stronger? Something like this is very emotionally and logically complex and I do not believe I can figure this out on my own.

Also, I know since I'm writing this that there is bias where I am trying to make you guys think she is the "bad guy." When there is no good or bad. Please ask for more details if necessary.

Please let me know your thoughts and thank you for any replies!
-Eric

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post #2 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:40 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

Women have a hard time respecting their servants.
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post #3 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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Women have a hard time respecting their servants.
Would you mind providing more detail to your insight?

Thank you
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post #4 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:54 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

If you were my son, I would advise you to leave her.

You got married awfully young. Things can change a lot between the late teens and early twenties.

This slapping you business is not good. Have you discussed this with her? Have you told her you are within your rights to call the police if she continues this or engages in any other violent conduct?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #5 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:57 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You Love Something"

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Originally Posted by E ric View Post
Would you mind providing more detail to your insight?
I will... you're a doormat who ALLOWS his wife to physically abuse him by not leaving her.

What you need to let go of, is your obvious codependency and toss her ass to the curb. This isn't love.

I realize you are only 21 but get some self respect man... Next time she assaults you call the police.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #6 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 03:59 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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Would you mind providing more detail to your insight?

Thank you
Stop kissing her butt. What do you do for yourself outside the marriage? What hobbies do you have that you without her, things you do yourself or with friends that make you happy? How often does she yell at you for doing something wrong that you don't feel you did wrong, but you apologize anyway?

Look up and read the book (it's short, but can be very eye opening) "No More Mr. Nice Guy" None of us are perfect, we all get into arguments, but if she feels you are too dependent on her, you lose. You lose her respect which in turn leads to her losing her attraction to you, which then can lead to her not needing or wanting you anymore. Read that book and the threads on this forum. There are a lot of people out there who can offer good advice, and some who just jump straight to "divorce her", so be careful.
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post #7 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:00 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

Too young to be in this kind of relationship. Good luck.
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post #8 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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If you were my son, I would advise you to leave her.

You got married awfully young. Things can change a lot between the late teens and early twenties.

This slapping you business is not good. Have you discussed this with her? Have you told her you are within your rights to call the police if she continues this or engages in any other violent conduct?

As I said, we hope to talk later tonight. I am aware of my legal rights, but not something I wish to exercise. Any response here, I will surely include parts of when we speak.

Thank you for the reply
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post #9 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Let Go if You Love Something"

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
I will... you're a doormat who ALLOWS his wife to physically abuse him by not leaving her.

What you need to let go of, is your obvious codependency and toss her ass to the curb. This isn't love.

I realize you are only 21 but get some self respect man... Next time she assaults you call the police.
Thank you for your reply, I will take what you have said with me.
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post #10 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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Stop kissing her butt. What do you do for yourself outside the marriage? What hobbies do you have that you without her, things you do yourself or with friends that make you happy? How often does she yell at you for doing something wrong that you don't feel you did wrong, but you apologize anyway?

Look up and read the book (it's short, but can be very eye opening) "No More Mr. Nice Guy" None of us are perfect, we all get into arguments, but if she feels you are too dependent on her, you lose. You lose her respect which in turn leads to her losing her attraction to you, which then can lead to her not needing or wanting you anymore. Read that book and the threads on this forum. There are a lot of people out there who can offer good advice, and some who just jump straight to "divorce her", so be careful.
I'll definitely search that book right now. Things I like to do are hiking, exploring, writing music, martial arts, and of course I enjoy working on my business as well. I'm always open to new things as well. I would say you are right on the too dependent thing. That sentence was very insightful. Also, I would say that the arguing over something I think I did wrong, that happens about 5/10 (10 being all the time). In some cases I actually do make bad decisions and accept responsibility for them.

Thank you

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post #11 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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Too young to be in this kind of relationship. Good luck.
I appreciate your willingness to participate. A for effort I guess.

-Eric
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post #12 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:11 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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Originally Posted by E ric View Post
As I said, we hope to talk later tonight. I am aware of my legal rights, but not something I wish to exercise. Any response here, I will surely include parts of when we speak.

Thank you for the reply
You seem like a very nice, polite young man, Eric. You deserve a young woman worthy of you.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #13 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:14 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

You're already sitting here worried about her reaction, worried if you're doing this and that, worried about what to do, etc.
You already know that talking to her will be just an exercise in futility.
My suggestion:
Go about your business and detach. Do what you know you SHOULD do as far as help around the house, paying bills. DON'T do any extra.
Remain calm and unemotional whenever you are confronted by her. Use a recorder to record these fights. Show a trusted, older, mature person whom you respect the tapes. Let them decide if she is being unreasonable, or you.

One thing is for certain. You don't have to stay in a relationship that harms you and keeps you unhappy.

I have a question: What do you do for a living? You say she pays more than her half financially. That is unlikely to garner a lot of respect for you.


You got the **** slapped out of you? LOL, you have a woman that has zero respect for you. If she had respect for you, that would NOT happen.
My conclusion: Once she loses respect, she will eventually cheat on you and leave you, or just leave you. It appears she has no respect at all for you. Think about it--- would you hit HER like that? Why not. Exactly.
Therefore the best solution would be to detach, get a better paying job, and determine later what you should do about your marriage. Most likely, the smart money is on moving on.
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post #14 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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You seem like a very nice, polite young man, Eric. You deserve a young woman worthy of you.
I appreciate that. Maybe too nice? That's something to think about too.

Also, I really do appreciate every positive thing the relationship has given me thus far. Please feel free to offer any more advice if you think of something.

Thanks again
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post #15 of 62 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 04:18 PM
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Re: "Let Go if You love Something"

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There are a lot of people out there who can offer good advice, and some who just jump straight to "divorce her", so be careful.
There are also some who offer bad advice like "try to work it out with a physical abuser" because maybe they can change.

99% of these situations only escalate over time and RARELY ends well with spouses who are very comfortable with violence.

She slaps you around @E ric because she has no respect for you and thinks your a little *****. Leave her before you end up dead.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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