Remorse is sometimes not good enough
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Old 12-30-2011, 09:57 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Remorse is sometimes not good enough

How many of you have/had a cheating spouse that seemed very remorseful, but you still were not able to ever move past it. Limbo is hell. It has taken me over a year to finally get past feeling sorry for myself. I now look in the mirror and don't see 2nd place. I see an attractive and successful man, best dad in the world, who doesn't love his wife anymore. so sad.
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Old 12-30-2011, 10:08 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Remorse is sometimes not good enough

Plenty of people do not recover their marriages after infidelity.

Some can forgive it and move on and others never can.

There is no right or wrong answer.

One size does not fit all.
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Old 12-30-2011, 10:13 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Remorse is sometimes not good enough

Read this thread about forgiveness, a wayward's actions and moving forward.

"Work it out" as an excuse to divorce
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Old 12-30-2011, 10:15 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Remorse is sometimes not good enough

Your reaction is perfectly normal.

When she cheated she hurt you and she broke your deep trust and love.

You've forgiven her hurting you - but the trust/love isn't something you can choose to turn back on.

Many people find it impossible to ever let the cheating spouse have that piece of their love that they were trusted with before. They'll never be able to feel that unconditional connection that got severed.

This is very much a consequence of cheating. The BS finds they no longer want the WS back.
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Old 12-30-2011, 10:16 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Remorse is sometimes not good enough

you know.. I read all these posts about BS's clinging onto hope and not having what i have (remorseful WW) and it makes me feel kind of guilty that i'm not happy with my situation. Yes indeed, each situation is unique.

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Old 12-30-2011, 05:28 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Remorse is sometimes not good enough

Not many can make it. There's always remorse but it's up to the LS to make it work in the end. I'm pretty sure the WS usually comes crawling back once they are done having fun or get thrown out by the other person.

Most LS are so happy to have their spouse back that they bend backwards and try to make it work. Only to realize years later that they should have just filed for D and kicked the cheating *bleep* out the door back then instead of wasting xx number of years staying with someone they don't even know anymore.

It's like the LS finally realizes they came in 2nd place and didn't really win but actually lost and didn't get the prize at all. They got holding the bag of "S" thinking it was a bag of gold.

BTW the WS could have changed for the best, be the best spouse but that all doesn't really matter when you feel that you were always the 2nd place prize to them.
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Old 12-30-2011, 05:36 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Remorse is sometimes not good enough

So CH...did u feel ur wife was "2nd place prize?"
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Old 12-30-2011, 06:33 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Remorse is sometimes not good enough

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Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
So CH...did u feel ur wife was "2nd place prize?"
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No, I realized she was always the 1st place prize but I was young and the opportunity was there and I took it. Any good man would want my wife as their wife.

Cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids (I still do most of the poop, sick and putting them to bed and such but she does all the other stuff), doesn't badger me too much, nice to my parents, great to her parents, helps out with family business, takes alot of flak from me, etc....

Beautiful at 39, watches her weight and still works out moderately, does almost everything for me if I need it. Doesn't need the $50k car, $3k purses, $10K jewelry, $15K vacations (thank GOD).

No, I'm holding the bag full of gold. But I think I might have left her holding the bag of "S" so I'm working my ass off hoping I've turned that bag of "S" into a bag of gold.
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Old 12-30-2011, 06:34 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Remorse is sometimes not good enough

Gotcha. Aw and I love the way you always speak very highly of her.
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Old 01-04-2012, 12:10 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Remorse is sometimes not good enough

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Originally Posted by cheatinghubby View Post
Not many can make it. There's always remorse but it's up to the LS to make it work in the end. I'm pretty sure the WS usually comes crawling back once they are done having fun or get thrown out by the other person.

Most LS are so happy to have their spouse back that they bend backwards and try to make it work. Only to realize years later that they should have just filed for D and kicked the cheating *bleep* out the door back then instead of wasting xx number of years staying with someone they don't even know anymore.

It's like the LS finally realizes they came in 2nd place and didn't really win but actually lost and didn't get the prize at all. They got holding the bag of "S" thinking it was a bag of gold.

BTW the WS could have changed for the best, be the best spouse but that all doesn't really matter when you feel that you were always the 2nd place prize to them.
This response is spot on.. Thanks for your perspective.
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Old 01-10-2012, 06:01 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Remorse is sometimes not good enough

My wife had an ongoing affair with my supposed "best friend". I found out when they were on a cruise together and I was crushed. For several days I tried to contact her as she said she was so ashamed she wanted to jump off the ship rather than face me. He got off at the next island and flew home. She finally got home several days later and I had already gone through anger, and was into full blown sadness. I was so glad to see her and she said she was sorry and it would never happen again. We went to counciling, she cut off all ties and we put it behind us. We have had a lot of great times for 11 years but to this day, I still have triggers and mind movies...songs, places, people, television shows, whatever...something seems to trigger these bad memories. He had the same name as me so I even have to hear his effing name in bed. Depending how your mind works, triggers are tough! My wife is a good woman and I trust her and know she would never do this again, but now that I have tried to let her know how all this affected and still affects me, we are heving serious problems to the point of not sleeping together and talking seperation or divorce. It's tough... Good luck!

Last edited by Struggling4ever; 01-31-2012 at 02:23 AM.
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