Married young and now confused - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 12:53 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Married young and now confused

My husband and I have been married almost 5 years together almost 6. We got married in our early 20s. I feel that because we were both in love and shared the same faith we rushed things. We were also pressured by his very religious parents that did not approve of us moving in together.

The first few years were fun but our sex life has slowly just died. Went from everyday to weekly to every few weeks and now it's 4 months. I don't know when or how exactly but many times early in our marriage him guilting and begging for sex when I didn't want it turned it into a huge aversion for me. I'm now to the point where his kissing and romantic touch I find repulsive. And sex gives me such anxiety that I will find any reason to avoid it. He pretty much knows now to just not bother and wait for me to go to him. Which is now pretty much never. I don't know if I'm just not a sexual person...Or if because our relationship has been struggling a long time but I just don't even want to WANT to anymore. I don't think of him in a sexy husband or romantic way. I think about him as a best friend and person I care deeply about. Is this normal???

The other issue is that I do not want kids. He recently told me after almost 6 years of not saying anything that he's not sure if he's okay with no kids. He now says that he can be good without them but I feel like he's lying. I worry that one day he will regret not having a family. He's very much a family person and I am not.

We've been talking a lot and our plans for the future are kind of similar except of course him thinking about kids. But certain things we can't agree on. I don't want to be stuck in one place and he won't leave where his parents live. He's very close to them to the point where I feel like I have to fight for my right to be first in his life. I would never make him choose and I never keep him from seeing them. But I end up being guilted because I don't want to spend time with them. They can be very overwhelming with three special needs adults in the house...

I'm just so confused. Is it normal to think of your husband as a friend? And not want any intimacy with him? We get along great as friends but anytime we try date nights or we need support that only a spouse can give is when we have trouble... I don't want to keep hurting and rejecting him sexually and emotionally... But I will not force myself if I'm not into it either

He's a very kind man. He would never hurt me. He says nice things. But I feel like we're just not compatible as a couple. I don't feel attracted to him. I just don't want to be dumb and lose one of the good guys but I also don't wanna settle for a sexless just getting by kind of marriage...


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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 01:58 AM
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Re: Married young and now confused

How old are the two of you?
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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 02:02 AM
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Re: Married young and now confused

Was there ever a time when you liked his touch and having sex with him?
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 02:29 AM
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Re: Married young and now confused

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My husband and I have been married almost 5 years together almost 6. We got married in our early 20s. I feel that because we were both in love and shared the same faith we rushed things. We were also pressured by his very religious parents that did not approve of us moving in together.

The first few years were fun but our sex life has slowly just died. Went from everyday to weekly to every few weeks and now it's 4 months. I don't know when or how exactly but many times early in our marriage him guilting and begging for sex when I didn't want it turned it into a huge aversion for me. I'm now to the point where his kissing and romantic touch I find repulsive. And sex gives me such anxiety that I will find any reason to avoid it. He pretty much knows now to just not bother and wait for me to go to him. Which is now pretty much never. I don't know if I'm just not a sexual person...Or if because our relationship has been struggling a long time but I just don't even want to WANT to anymore. I don't think of him in a sexy husband or romantic way. I think about him as a best friend and person I care deeply about. Is this normal???

The other issue is that I do not want kids. He recently told me after almost 6 years of not saying anything that he's not sure if he's okay with no kids. He now says that he can be good without them but I feel like he's lying. I worry that one day he will regret not having a family. He's very much a family person and I am not.

We've been talking a lot and our plans for the future are kind of similar except of course him thinking about kids. But certain things we can't agree on. I don't want to be stuck in one place and he won't leave where his parents live. He's very close to them to the point where I feel like I have to fight for my right to be first in his life. I would never make him choose and I never keep him from seeing them. But I end up being guilted because I don't want to spend time with them. They can be very overwhelming with three special needs adults in the house...

I'm just so confused. Is it normal to think of your husband as a friend? And not want any intimacy with him? We get along great as friends but anytime we try date nights or we need support that only a spouse can give is when we have trouble... I don't want to keep hurting and rejecting him sexually and emotionally... But I will not force myself if I'm not into it either

He's a very kind man. He would never hurt me. He says nice things. But I feel like we're just not compatible as a couple. I don't feel attracted to him. I just don't want to be dumb and lose one of the good guys but I also don't wanna settle for a sexless just getting by kind of marriage...

Hi @Lisa*

Thanks for your message and honesty here. What you're going through is not easy and I totally empathise with your situation.

Now, the difference between a relationship and friendship is intimacy and everything you have described here points you to just being roommates - rather than actual lovers.
You are correct, you shouldn't settle for a sexless marriage which is why you have a few options that you need to explore here.

Whenever I work with people who are married, i'm always a fan of ensuring that both partners make a decent effort at trying to restore the passion they once had. Why? Because you've come this far that it's only fair that you make a conscious effort to improve the situation.

You mentioned that there was a good sex life in the beginning. This doesn't surprise me because in the beginning of a relationship, most couples will do anything for each other however as time passes, the rules become more strict and it's very easy for resentment to build up.
Let me explain one thing about guys. We love to make our woman happy and sex is the ultimate experience of that. A lot of people think it's just a physical thing for guys and whilst that's a part of it, it's not the whole part. It's a big part of the male psyche to want to make his woman happy and if he can't even do that by having his woman desire him, then he's going to look for other ways to make him feel significant. That might be work, sports, music or some other activity. I can assure you he will literally be feeling like an absolute failure and a fraction of himself when he knows he can't even make you feel truly happy on all levels.

One thing I will say here is that I am in no way condoning his behaviour. In fact, his behaviour was pretty poor and he shouldn't have tried to guilt you into sex but being a guy myself, I can tell you one thing - he's completely oblivious to the impact he's actually having on you. I did the very same thing to one of my girlfriends years ago and it wasn't until a few months later where I started to learn about relationship dynamics and psychology did I really understand the impact of what I was doing. So believe me, I truly understand what you're feeling and I'm not surprised at all that you have an aversion to sex with him. Obviously, I'm very sorry you feel this way as well.

I'm wondering though - is it possible for you to find space in your heart to empathise with his viewpoint? To try and remember all those things that you did at the beginning and how you used to behave. The little things that you used to do together. Remember, in the long run, love is always about giving and not getting. The trap that most couples fall into is that in the beginning, they are focussed on giving until it becomes official, then suddenly they take the foot off the pedal and then fail to give when absolutely necessary.

I'm placing this on your shoulders because as the person who is reaching out for guidance, you are now open to change and in order to truly change, you need to take responsibility for your own experience and your ability to turn it around. If I was messaging him, I would be telling him the same thing (and also giving him a kick up the backside for his behaviour!).

Your question about whether it's normal to think of your husband or wife as a friend and not a lover is EXTREMELY common but most of the time, it's developed. There is often passion at the start and then little things compound over time which lead to the platonic nature of the relationship. It's unfortunate but it's true and happens a lot. I genuinely believe that if it was there, it can be rekindled but it requires a commitment on both parties to make it work.

If after a period of genuine giving to each other (at the level that they need it), and it's going nowhere, then often the couple can part ways in a very amicable fashion but you have to give yourself a good chance to get to that point.

So anyway, I hope that all makes sense. If you have any further questions, let me know.

I hope this gives you some food for thought and helps shed some light on the situation.

All the very best
Sri
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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 09:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married young and now confused

28 and 29
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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 09:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married young and now confused

@shrah25 I appreciate you taking the time to write me. You've given me some things to think about. We are going to a counselor this week. I think that my feelings toward him have changed because of a lot of reasons and I'm not sure we can get back to the way we used to feel. But like you said we came this far so I'm trying to stay hopeful that something could change. I think a big problem is that we've always both been selfish and looking out for ourselves. We never truly has a marriage with shared goals and worked like a team..
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 09:48 AM
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Re: Married young and now confused

OP
I think the kids question is the most critical. This is something where you really can't compromise, and which will completely change your lives. No one should be denied the right to have kids, but no one should be forced to raise kids that they don't want. (as a child I almost never saw my father and when I got older I realized that he had never wanted kids - its not a good thing for a child to learn). If you can't agree, then you need to divorce, amicably, no ones's fault, no no one is right or wrong.


Your sex life is also very important to your combined happiness. A few questions:
Do you physically enjoy sex when it happens, do to orgasm?
Does he try to please you (whether or not he actually succeeds).
Do you enjoy other romantic things together?
Could you be attracted to him, or is there just no chemistry?

If he tries to please you, but just isn't very good at it, he can learn. But if he doesn't care about your enjoyment, then there is no way to fix it.

It is possible to get sort of stuck - no romance makes you not want sex. No sex makes him feel unromantic. Marriage turns into a sort of business partnership of shared chores but no passion.

If you think there is a chance, then you can try to reset things. Have frequent passionate sex. Do things to please him and see if he responds in kind. Let him know what sort of romantic things you enjoy and see if he does them. Basically "pretend" to be in a loving passionate relationship and see if after a little while you actually ARE in one. Then if it works, be sure to never let it slowly decline - make romance, love, passion your top priority, not something you do when you are not too busy with other things.

If it doesn't work, then you will know that you have really tried and that there is no fix. You are young, you can divorce and find someone for whom you have the right feelings.


Speaking from long sad experience, don't let this just drag on. It will never get better by itself, and you will never be happy with the way things are.
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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 09:53 AM
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Re: Married young and now confused

You should tell him how you feel. Are you at least willing to work on your feelings toward him? If not, you should just divorce him without demanding any money from him. Let him be free to find someone who really does want to be his wife.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 10:55 AM
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Re: Married young and now confused

You got to talk about it with him honestly. You have to tell him what you need but you also have to open up yourself sexually with him and see if he responds. This takes two, it also takes information. Before you blow up your life put in the full effort and be vulnerable. If after that you are still stuck then it is time to reassess.

As far as the other keep talking. It's your life you can change your mind but you must do it in the context of minimizing the damage. In the end if you are not meant to be forever then leave with honor.
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 11:55 AM
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Re: Married young and now confused

Your H needs to know what your are feeling. Over time many marriages become just a room mate situation because by and large....the dating phase is gone. Both must continue to date, have date nights and spend time together as much as possible. Sex is not all of it but part of the overall marriage. Your H probably thinks he is doing all the right things. Working and keeping a roof over his W head. Sadly, your H is missing the mark with "doing great". That mark is keeping his W first and fulfilling her needs. At his age(when I was his age) I was doing the exact same thing!!! Why? Because I just did not know. My W told me many times but I though she nuts. I was doing all the right things right? Your H can change. He just needs to understand the dynamics of a relationship is not one dimensional.


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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 05:56 PM
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Re: Married young and now confused

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Originally Posted by Lisa* View Post
@shrah25 I appreciate you taking the time to write me. You've given me some things to think about. We are going to a counselor this week. I think that my feelings toward him have changed because of a lot of reasons and I'm not sure we can get back to the way we used to feel. But like you said we came this far so I'm trying to stay hopeful that something could change. I think a big problem is that we've always both been selfish and looking out for ourselves. We never truly has a marriage with shared goals and worked like a team..
My Pleasure @Lisa*
Glad it's given you some things to think about.
Feel free to PM me if you have any further questions.
Cheers
Sri
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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 08:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Married young and now confused

I would say when we first started dating I did. And then I remember not liking him always wanting to make out after a while and even before we got married there was warning signs that I ignored. I think I just wanted to be married and he was nice and treated me well...
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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 05:54 PM
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Re: Married young and now confused

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I would say when we first started dating I did. And then I remember not liking him always wanting to make out after a while and even before we got married there was warning signs that I ignored. I think I just wanted to be married and he was nice and treated me well...


*****Ouch*****
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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 05:54 PM
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Re: Married young and now confused

Pretty heartless.
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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:48 PM
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Re: Married young and now confused

That is why you start a relationship for a year or two and then engagement for another year. The idea it to find out if you are compatible in all the ways that matter to the both of you. Read this and understand what has happened.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...-relationships

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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