Is hoping a wasted energy? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 03:01 PM Thread Starter
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Is hoping a wasted energy?

Hi all,

I'm new and almost in disbelief that I'm writing this post.

My husband and I have been together for 5 and a half years (married 2 and a half). Up until 6 weeks ago, I thought I had the perfect marriage and a husband who I thought adored me. We were the envy of friends and family enjoying a great life together.

When we first got together (a couple of months in), my husband said he wasn't keen on kids but I made it clear that for reasons I perhaps didn't properly understand at the time, I wanted a family to which he agreed. We discussed this several times over the years and early last year, I came off contraception and we waited to see what might happen. In the summer I was diagnosed with PCOS and we attended fertility appointments- I was eventually prescribed medication which I started taking in mid February. Two days after starting the medication, my husband tells me he doesn't want kids, never has and actually, went so far as to say that he will not have them. I felt like I was hit by a train. There was no discussion, no thought about how I might feel, or any consideration about my happiness- he just told me. He's been very black and white- quite simply, I need to choose whether I want to stay married or choose a family over him.

I don't feel I'm coping well. I don't want to lose my husband and would give anything to have the marriage and husband I thought I had, back.

Since this happened, we've both been to see counsellor's separately and will probably attend couples' counselling in the next week or so. But apart from this, my husband will not take responsibility for his behaviour. It feels really unfair that this is all on me and given the lack of any other options, I feel that he's forcing me to choose a separation I never wanted.

A bit about us. I'm 32 and he's soon to be 39. He spent 3 years in the army and this is his third marriage. There was also a fourth engagement somewhere in the mix. One of the reasons he divorced his ex-wife is because she wanted a family and he said they didn't get on and didn't want children with her. I really grilled him about this before I moved in and he insisted he did not want kids with her but did with me.

How have people coped in this period of time? Do I hope? Do I still give him space given his commitment to counselling? How do I face up to this with strength, without feeling so utterly sorry for myself? The emotional rollercoaster is a killer, I would love to fast forward to a time when I'm not crying and happy again. Thanks in advance guys.

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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 03:25 PM
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Re: Is hoping a wasted energy?

So sorry you are here. It's called switch and bait.

Go find another husband that adores you and wants kids with you. Plenty of men out there and there is no such thing as soulmates. Go be happy.

Set him free so he can find his fourth wife, good riddance!
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 03:35 PM
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Re: Is hoping a wasted energy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by masonna View Post
Hi all,

I'm new and almost in disbelief that I'm writing this post.

My husband and I have been together for 5 and a half years (married 2 and a half). Up until 6 weeks ago, I thought I had the perfect marriage and a husband who I thought adored me. We were the envy of friends and family enjoying a great life together.

When we first got together (a couple of months in), my husband said he wasn't keen on kids but I made it clear that for reasons I perhaps didn't properly understand at the time, I wanted a family to which he agreed. We discussed this several times over the years and early last year, I came off contraception and we waited to see what might happen. In the summer I was diagnosed with PCOS and we attended fertility appointments- I was eventually prescribed medication which I started taking in mid February. Two days after starting the medication, my husband tells me he doesn't want kids, never has and actually, went so far as to say that he will not have them. I felt like I was hit by a train. There was no discussion, no thought about how I might feel, or any consideration about my happiness- he just told me. He's been very black and white- quite simply, I need to choose whether I want to stay married or choose a family over him.

I don't feel I'm coping well. I don't want to lose my husband and would give anything to have the marriage and husband I thought I had, back.

Since this happened, we've both been to see counsellor's separately and will probably attend couples' counselling in the next week or so. But apart from this, my husband will not take responsibility for his behaviour. It feels really unfair that this is all on me and given the lack of any other options, I feel that he's forcing me to choose a separation I never wanted.

A bit about us. I'm 32 and he's soon to be 39. He spent 3 years in the army and this is his third marriage. There was also a fourth engagement somewhere in the mix. One of the reasons he divorced his ex-wife is because she wanted a family and he said they didn't get on and didn't want children with her. I really grilled him about this before I moved in and he insisted he did not want kids with her but did with me.

How have people coped in this period of time? Do I hope? Do I still give him space given his commitment to counselling? How do I face up to this with strength, without feeling so utterly sorry for myself? The emotional rollercoaster is a killer, I would love to fast forward to a time when I'm not crying and happy again. Thanks in advance guys.
I'm usually the one to say exhaust all possible options trying to fix things before you give up but the whole thing about him being 38, has already been married 3 times and engage another, all before you is a big red flag. I would give counseling 6 months and see what happens, since your already doing it. After that if there's been no change or even a sign of any change, I would have to say it's time to move on.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 12:12 PM
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Re: Is hoping a wasted energy?

You married him knowing that he isnt "keen on kids" but got him to agree to having them anyway. How reluctant was he to agree to this? I am not surprised by his apparent change of heart just from the little I have read about him, so Im not sure why YOU are. Its never a good idea to have children with someone who isnt 100% on board... that is massively unfair to the children. Its very telling that one of the other marriages ended because he didnt want children, that should have thrown a HUGE red flag.

Sorry to say, but if having a family is that important to you, then this is not the man you need to be with.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 02:25 PM
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Re: Is hoping a wasted energy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by masonna View Post
Hi all,

I'm new and almost in disbelief that I'm writing this post.

My husband and I have been together for 5 and a half years (married 2 and a half). Up until 6 weeks ago, I thought I had the perfect marriage and a husband who I thought adored me. We were the envy of friends and family enjoying a great life together.

When we first got together (a couple of months in), my husband said he wasn't keen on kids but I made it clear that for reasons I perhaps didn't properly understand at the time, I wanted a family to which he agreed. We discussed this several times over the years and early last year, I came off contraception and we waited to see what might happen. In the summer I was diagnosed with PCOS and we attended fertility appointments- I was eventually prescribed medication which I started taking in mid February. Two days after starting the medication, my husband tells me he doesn't want kids, never has and actually, went so far as to say that he will not have them. I felt like I was hit by a train. There was no discussion, no thought about how I might feel, or any consideration about my happiness- he just told me. He's been very black and white- quite simply, I need to choose whether I want to stay married or choose a family over him.

I don't feel I'm coping well. I don't want to lose my husband and would give anything to have the marriage and husband I thought I had, back.

Since this happened, we've both been to see counsellor's separately and will probably attend couples' counselling in the next week or so. But apart from this, my husband will not take responsibility for his behaviour. It feels really unfair that this is all on me and given the lack of any other options, I feel that he's forcing me to choose a separation I never wanted.

A bit about us. I'm 32 and he's soon to be 39. He spent 3 years in the army and this is his third marriage. There was also a fourth engagement somewhere in the mix. One of the reasons he divorced his ex-wife is because she wanted a family and he said they didn't get on and didn't want children with her. I really grilled him about this before I moved in and he insisted he did not want kids with her but did with me.

How have people coped in this period of time? Do I hope? Do I still give him space given his commitment to counselling? How do I face up to this with strength, without feeling so utterly sorry for myself? The emotional rollercoaster is a killer, I would love to fast forward to a time when I'm not crying and happy again. Thanks in advance guys.
You husband is showing you exactly what you need to see... I would say if either of you weren't forthcoming or clear, those honest feelings are now known. While painful, it is a better now than finding out his reaction "mettle" is to leave you if you ever are with child in this marriage.

If he does change his tune in counseling, which truth is the truthful one?

नमस्ते 🙏
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 02:43 PM
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Re: Is hoping a wasted energy?

All the hope in the world won't change the sort of person he is and what motivates him.

There's a reason the guy has 3 failed marriages in his past.
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