How to ask for a divorce? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 04:42 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

If you can't have a conversation with him, then write him a letter. Do not write a long, detailed letter. Write something simple. Here's an example:
Dear Harold,

I can no longer live in a marriage that lacks any kind of emotional or sexual intimacy. This is not a healthy way for either of us to live. There simply is no excuse for doing nothing to resolve our problems and I am no longer willing to live like this.

This letter is to inform you that I have filed for divorce. You will be served on (insert date). I didn't want you to be blindsided and since we don't seem able to talk about anything that matters anymore, I didn't know how to tell you, so I wrote it down.

Sincerely,
Susie Q.



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post #17 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 04:44 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

There's no way to make it comfortable. But if you really want a divorce the best thing to do is just be direct. Schedule a time to talk when you two have nothing else going on, have him sit down, then tell him you want a divorce, and truthfully answer his questions. That is the most respectful way to handle it. In the meantime most courts will have a self help center online that will go through the process with you. If you don't have kids or many assets, then the actual process is fairly straight forward.

The conversation I'd have with him is one where you tell him that you aren't going down the same path in life anymore. You want an affectionate and intimate relationship and aren't getting what you need. Tell him that you aren't blaming him for anything, just recognizing that there is an incompatibility and you're at the point where you need to make a change.
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post #18 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 04:48 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

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Originally Posted by wild_orchid View Post


I have posted on here a while ago... I was confused whether or not a divorce was the "right" thing to do. I just can't escape the feeling of truly wanting things to be over. Is this unfair?

Our marriage has been completely sexless for over two years. (Mainly due to my husband having ED and zero desire) and I feel like a constant burden ever bringing it up.

Truthfully, I can't bring up absolutely anything uncomfortable without feeling like I'm the worst person on the planet. There's this look of disappointment in his eyes, it makes me feel guilty for being unhappy.. Also the fact that every marital topic that we discuss, he will then gossip with his mother and I am bashed and criticized for my feelings... It makes me feel embarrassed and guilty! And lastly I struggle to communicate because he completely shuts down and avoids me for days following any uncomfortable discussions..

Is it unfair to bring up wanting a divorce without trying couples counseling?

For me, it has dawned on me that I was much too young to be married. He was 32 when we met and I was 21.. I was married at age 23 - but I just feel like I did not know what life truly held for me. I am now continuing school, surrounded with more people my age, and I vibe differently with my peers. Me and my husband have zero connection at all. He is a complete homebody and I am the exact opposite.

We haven't truly been in love for a long time. He just turned 40 and seems to be living an entirely different stage of life than me (I'm about to be 29) and I just want to somehow end things... I want to be free. I want to know what it's like to be independent. I want to be more adventurous and less sedentary. I have never lived on my own before... I went from living at home to living with my husband. What is it like to be on your own? Can I even afford it?

I am just eager for this new found freedom chapter of my life and can't muster up the words. My husband is truly a wonderful man and I know that he truly loves me... I love him as a person, he's a great best friend and roommate but truly nothing more.


I need someone to talk to. Any guidance?


My wife did not ask, she just told me and then waited a few weeks before filing and serving me papers.

M - 12
Kids - 2
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post #19 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 05:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

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What exactly are you 'bringing up'? Is there some question in your mind about whether you really want to divorce him or not?

If not, then what's the problem? You do what CynthiaDe listed out and get a divorce. When you have the process started, you simply tell him what you're doing.

If you tell him before you see a lawyer, what do you think he'd do? Would he beg and grovel? Freak out and hit you? Yell at you? Be happy and relieved?





No, he does not yell nor would he ever hit me...

So in April 2016 I sat down with him and I told him that I was extremely unhappy for quite some time and that I never knew how to express it. I had always felt bad that he was so happy and content and yet I was always yearning for more...

I have always been extremely patient and sympathetic about his lack of sexual function and desire, but I explained to him that being so young - I really do have a strong sexual desire and need... His initial reaction was an eye roll, he sighed... Shortly after he began crying and didn't speak. (I continued to say more of what I was feeling and just how disconnected we are) and then he said "Don't stay in this marriage for me."

I didn't know how to react to that... I suggested trying couples therapy or doing some couples building activities before just calling it quits. He agreed and said he would do his very best to correct the lack of sex in our relationship.

Since that very discussion, not one single aspect of our relationship has changed... Once in a while he will make little remarks like "I know you want to leave me" from time to time... and I began forming my own hobbies and just doing exactly what I want (like school, traveling, and working out) because I don't have a safe place to come home to or someone to join me in these activities.. I never feel embraced and welcomed, he isn't abusive.

Well, after doing therapy for a while now - the decision has become more apparent and certain for me.. But then an unfortunate series of events has happened during the time too. My husband has an ulcer on his right foot (since June 2016 - still not healed) and this Feb. broke a bone in his left foot, needing surgery, resulted in another open wound and he is now non-weight bearing on his feet. He has been out of work since Feb.

These health issues (which are re-reoccurring over all the years of our marriage) keep happening at the most inopportune times. I do not want to kick him while he's down but I also want to be completely honest? He can't exactly leave with zero income? He has 100% neglected our entire marriage to focus on his own health and healing, therefore our conversationless living situation... I feel guilty for wanting this over.

I don't want him to feel like I'm completely heartless... He thinks this is a time where he needs me the most and this is the time where I want him to rely on himself the most and get his health together. Get his life together! It's just bad timing and I know this, but it's now taking over my mental state. I am the most miserable I have ever been and I know it's a conversation I must have... Is there a right way?


Last edited by wild_orchid; 03-30-2017 at 05:18 PM.
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post #20 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 05:21 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

Good lord - that's horrible. He's manipulated you into feeling guilty for wanting to end things! He should be TOTALLY ashamed of himself.

You REALLY need to see a lawyer and get the ball rolling and just write him a letter ending things. His passive aggressive "I know you want to end things" comments should be shoved back down his throat - how manipulative!!! HE is the heartless one - to have done this to you. And as for these health issues - again, he's a master at making you feel guilty. He is PERFECTLY capable of taking care of himself, make no mistake about THAT. You're just too convenient for him to give up.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #21 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 05:26 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

Have you read anything on co-dependence? Your relationship sounds very co-dependant.
Taking care of someone who doesn't take care of himself along with the lack of mutual care in the relationship. You should be interdependent, not codependent. It seems that he is not taking his responsibility to care for himself seriously, but is depending on you to meet his need while he is not reciprocating in taking care of your needs. Even when one spouse is injured or unhealthy, there are not incapable of having positive, healthy relationships.

I recommend you get two books:
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, by Melody Beattie. https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-N...endent+no+more

And

Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives, by Pia Mellody
https://www.amazon.com/Facing-Codepe...by+pia+mellody


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post #22 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 05:29 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

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Originally Posted by wild_orchid View Post


No, he does not yell nor would he ever hit me...

So in April 2016 I sat down with him and I told him that I was extremely unhappy for quite some time and that I never knew how to express it. I had always felt bad that he was so happy and content and yet I was always yearning for more...

I have always been extremely patient and sympathetic about his lack of sexual function and desire, but I explained to him that being so young - I really do have a strong sexual desire and need... His initial reaction was an eye roll, he sighed... Shortly after he began crying and didn't speak. (I continued to say more of what I was feeling and just how disconnected we are) and then he said "Don't stay in this marriage for me."

I didn't know how to react to that... I suggested trying couples therapy or doing some couples building activities before just calling it quits. He agreed and said he would do his very best to correct the lack of sex in our relationship.

Since that very discussion, not one single aspect of our relationship has changed... Once in a while he will make little remarks like "I know you want to leave me" from time to time... and I began forming my own hobbies and just doing exactly what I want (like school, traveling, and working out) because I don't have a safe place to come home to or someone to join me in these activities.. I never feel embraced and welcomed, he isn't abusive.

Well, after doing therapy for a while now - the decision has become more apparent and certain for me.. But then an unfortunate series of events has happened during the time too. My husband has an ulcer on his right foot (since June 2016 - still not healed) and this Feb. broke a bone in his left foot, needing surgery, resulted in another open wound and he is now non-weight bearing on his feet. He has been out of work since Feb.

These health issues (which are re-reoccurring over all the years of our marriage) keep happening at the most inopportune times. I do not want to kick him while he's down but I also want to be completely honest? He can't exactly leave with zero income? He has 100% neglected our entire marriage to focus on his own health and healing, therefore our conversationless living situation... I feel guilty for wanting this over.

I don't want him to feel like I'm completely heartless... He thinks this is a time where he needs me the most and this is the time where I want him to rely on himself the most and get his health together. Get his life together! It's just bad timing and I know this, but it's now taking over my mental state. I am the most miserable I have ever been and I know it's a conversation I must have... Is there a right way?

Those "I know you want to leave me" statements are manipulative. They are meant to make you feel sorry and want to prove him wrong.

He rolled his eyes and sighed? Whattttt? Is this how you would respond if your husband came to you and said what you said to him? That response is so wrong and very telling. And the fact that he's made zero changes and then he tries to make you feel guilty for wanting to leave, that deserves an eye roll!
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post #23 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 05:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

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Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
Good lord - that's horrible. He's manipulated you into feeling guilty for wanting to end things! He should be TOTALLY ashamed of himself.

You REALLY need to see a lawyer and get the ball rolling and just write him a letter ending things. His passive aggressive "I know you want to end things" comments should be shoved back down his throat - how manipulative!!! HE is the heartless one - to have done this to you. And as for these health issues - again, he's a master at making you feel guilty. He is PERFECTLY capable of taking care of himself, make no mistake about THAT. You're just too convenient for him to give up.


Weird, my mother actually said the same thing... That he is a master manipulator and she tries to encourage me to get out.

I do feel bad about where he will go. What will happen to him? Will we automatically become enemies? His family will begin the harassment and bashing? (They're all very crazy - the type that publicly posts non-stop drama on Facebook and always oversteps their boundaries in other people's relationships) I wasn't totally mentally prepared to be hated just for acknowledging we are not a good fit. We do not compliment each other nor want the same things for the future..

It's such a difficult situation. I guess I will need to contact an attorney and maybe learn what I can before presenting him my letter. Thank you all for listening..

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post #24 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 05:50 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

@wild_orchid,

I want to remind you of something. Your husband is a GROWN MAN; he's not an infant. All along, all these years, he has had the choice to either address his issues and improve his marriage, or ignore his issues and destroy his marriage. HE is the one who made the choice to ignore his issues and destroy his marriage!!! HE chose that, not you. Now I understand that some men have erectile issues, but that does not preclude ALL SEXUAL CONTACT! He still has fingers and a tongue, and you could buy battery-operated toys or very life-like options to continue having a fulfilling sex life together. HE chose to disregard you and your needs, and further to blame YOU for his choice!!

So here's how healthy, mature adults work: We choose to walk side-by-side in life, but we do not NEED each other in the sense that we would "just die" if we weren't together. We behave in a respectful way. We listen to each other (it's a two-way street), and consider how our choice may affect our spouse. We consistently look at ourselves in the mirror and think, "What do I need to work on to be a better human?" and we do the work. We put our time and effort and money, voluntarily, into our spouse...also knowing that any day they could choose to end it all and we'd be done, and knowing that they are free to do so!! INTER-dependent rather than CO-dependent.

So he made his choice. HE is the one who chose to put himself in the position of having no one care for him, because all he had to do in order to have a loving wife who would be willing to care for him is set aside his pride, go to a doctor for his ED, do what treatment the doc suggests, do some individual counseling to address his issues of denial, and work WITH you as a team to have a satisfactory sex life. In other words: act as if your need for sex was reasonable and address it! That's it!! That's all he had to do, and he decided he didn't want to make that effort. Okay cool...the result of that choice is that he doesn't have anyone to care for him. Too bad for him that he's sick--HE CHOSE!!

If the two of you are living at a place that your parents own, just go file and straight up tell your husband you are divorcing him. Then have your dad help you get him off your dad's property. If there's a lease in your husband's name, your dad can notify him the lease is broken and give him a notice he has X number of days to move out. The end.


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post #25 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 06:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

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Originally Posted by CynthiaDe View Post
Have you read anything on co-dependence? Your relationship sounds very co-dependant.
Taking care of someone who doesn't take care of himself along with the lack of mutual care in the relationship. You should be interdependent, not codependent. It seems that he is not taking his responsibility to care for himself seriously, but is depending on you to meet his need while he is not reciprocating in taking care of your needs. Even when one spouse is injured or unhealthy, there are not incapable of having positive, healthy relationships.

I recommend you get two books:
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, by Melody Beattie. https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-N...endent+no+more

And

Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives, by Pia Mellody
https://www.amazon.com/Facing-Codepe...by+pia+mellody





Interesting you bring that up.. We actually discussed the co-dependent issues and I did buy the book by Melody and forced him to read it together. We would only read it, however, if I brought it up and said "Would you like to continue the book?" and he would say "Sure, can you read it out loud?" and I would just to put him to sleep. It didn't get me anywhere...



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post #26 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 06:23 PM
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Cool Re: How to ask for a divorce?

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I got into a big fight with my ex, packed up my bags, and left. I had you beat, 4 years of 100% no sex!

If you have no kids, then just let him know. He already knows. No sex for 2 years is a sham of a marriage.If you don't have your eyes on someone else, then he'll get over this fairly easy. You have needs that are not being met and you are no longer in love with him. Just tell him that. You will crush his world. He'll promise to fix things and will have sex everyday if you don't leave him. Be ready to stand firm and walk out of the house. Get a place to live lined up before you break the news. Living a hotel sucks, trust me. If you want, you can give him 6 months to change. But you already checked out, you can't go back. Just end it.
Hell! No sex for two weeks is a sham of a marriage!

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post #27 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 06:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?



The feeling of bringing it up is so overwhelming... He sits in the same room as me, every single night, on his ipad with headphones in - I just want to scream "HELLO! I'm here?" and just talk. Why are we just silently awkwardly coexisting? Why doesn't he ever want to acknowledge the way over-grown elephant in the room? I feel like I am ready to burst at the seams - I have spent almost an entire year now wanting divorce or change just to literally have sat still and felt guilty this entire time. I have no idea how to suddenly pipe up and just say this is over. Over! I don't want to entertain any idea about saving anything, I just want freedom. I want to sit in my own silence and feel peaceful. I don't want to constantly feel wrong or ashamed for being unhappy! I just can't find the words...

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post #28 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 07:21 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

You're overly concerned about what your horrible examle of a "husband" and his crazy family might think. Who cares? Really, truly, who cares? You're a grown woman. Obviously, not everyone is going to like you or approve of your life choices. So what? If they become hateful on social media, block them. If they harass you, get a restraining order.

You don't know how to tell him? Why bother telling him anything? He hasn't listened to your opinions and concerns thus far. Just file for the divorce and let him be served. He'll figure it out.

Also, it's not your age. I'm 41. I have a healthy sex drive. No way in hell would I stay in a relationship that didn't include frequent good sex.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #29 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 07:42 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

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The feeling of bringing it up is so overwhelming... He sits in the same room as me, every single night, on his ipad with headphones in - I just want to scream "HELLO! I'm here?" and just talk. Why are we just silently awkwardly coexisting? Why doesn't he ever want to acknowledge the way over-grown elephant in the room? I feel like I am ready to burst at the seams - I have spent almost an entire year now wanting divorce or change just to literally have sat still and felt guilty this entire time. I have no idea how to suddenly pipe up and just say this is over. Over! I don't want to entertain any idea about saving anything, I just want freedom. I want to sit in my own silence and feel peaceful. I don't want to constantly feel wrong or ashamed for being unhappy! I just can't find the words...


Ok so it's really hard for you to make the first step. Remember, you don't have to say anything just yet. You can start by filing. If you think you need extra support, speak to your parents. You already know they will support you and them knowing may help you to feel more inclined to speak up.
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post #30 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 09:40 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

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Interesting you bring that up.. We actually discussed the co-dependent issues and I did buy the book by Melody and forced him to read it together. We would only read it, however, if I brought it up and said "Would you like to continue the book?" and he would say "Sure, can you read it out loud?" and I would just to put him to sleep. It didn't get me anywhere...

This tells me that you missed the point of the book. You are trying to get him to do things, but in reality you are the one "doing" the work on your relationship. You are taking care of him, but he does not reciprocate. That is codependence. You can't get someone else out of codependence. You get yourself out of codependence. You are way too focused on your husband and trying to get him on board.

It is good that you have branched out and are now doing things to take proper care of yourself and have your personal needs met without relying on him. But you are still treating him like a baby. Case in point is that you are afraid that he won't be able to take care of himself. He is a grown man. He man have some disability, but he will need to work through that and find a way to take care of himself. It doesn't sound like you're going to abandon him. You'll probably have to pay him alimony.


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