How to ask for a divorce? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 03:02 AM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

Many use MC as a stepping stone to a divorce. It is the equivalent of asking a girl to become friends instead of asking her to date you. It sounds so much better to ask for MC than a divorce. You are trying to divorce by taking little steps towards it. Rip the BandAid right off and save money. MC is expensive and adults do not change. You can learn to say nice things about broccoli but that does not change the fact that you still hate it. That is what MC is. They tell you how you should act or be, but they cannot fix what is inside of you that makes you, you. If you think something is stupid, no amount of talking is going to change your mind. At best you will not tell someone what they are doing is stupid. You will learn to say a positive thing instead, but deep down you know it is stupid. You can put a dress on a pig but it is still a pig. My MC friend's wife cheated on him and then divorced him. He did not notice the warning signs and his own MC could not change the fact that she resented him for being a beta male and ran off with an alpha male with more money better looks and a larger penis. Two MC's could not fix that.

Everyday guys are kicked out of their house. They can stay in a cheap motel and even find someone looking for a roommate. I was at a bar not to long ago and the two guys sitting next to me were discussing their divorces. They became roommates. He will find a way and if he does not have the ability or money to do so, you are not losing anything of value. Perhaps living with your family bothered him too. My wife and I lived with my parents for two months awaiting our new home to be built. My wife and I fought a lot and we usually do not fight. I even left my wife for my girlfriend and my wife moved into her girlfriend's apartment. It took a month but we did get back together. Living with family is not a good idea, especially if that family is not yours.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 03-31-2017 at 10:04 AM.
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post #32 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 05:39 AM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

I wasted many years in an unhappy marriage because I didn't have the courage to say the words "I want a divorce". That was a shame on me, I sure wish I could get some of those wasted years back.

He knows how you feel, you have already broke the ice about your unhappiness and that was the hard part, now it's time to take the next step. I think you just sit him down and say it's time to end our marriage. Expect tears and anger and more manipulation but stand firm and push things forward. It will be a difficult time but the end result will be worth it.
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post #33 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 09:48 AM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

What good is it for HIM to read a book on co-dependence ???

And why are you FORCING him to do ANYthing???

Maybe you need to get yourself into some therapy to find out why you are so determined to force him to do what you want him to and become what you think he should be. You do know that that's an exercise in futility, right??

YOU CANNOT MAKE SOMEONE INTO SOMETHING THEY AREN'T. It NEVER works. You're good at doing what you think needs doing, but for OTHERS. Not for YOURSELF. This is a HUGE problem that you need to fix IN YOURSELF. The rest will follow once you do that.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #34 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 11:48 AM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

Your husband is a life-suck. File for divorce then let him know he needs to make new living arrangements. Stop beating yourself up with guilt, he is a grown man and can take care of himself. If he doesnt, that isnt YOUR problem.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #35 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 02:13 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?


I have a suggestion. Rather than trying to figure out the exact right words to say (there are no such magical words), and rather than going on and on and on until another year goes by, why don't you start by doing one thing? Actually take an action. YOU...not him.

For example, today why don't you research divorce attorneys in your area? Today start making a list of all the divorce attorneys you can find within X miles of you. Write down their name, address, phone number, and a little bit about them that you can find online or in the phone book. Work on that today and tomorrow until it's done.

On Sunday, look at the list and pick your top five. Do your best to pick consistent criteria like you prefer a lady attorney or someone who's been at it for many years, etc. Just pick five you like the most.

Then on Monday start calling them and find out if they do a free consultation, see if they will tell you their fee, etc. Interview them as if they were applying for a job, because they are! The job is to be your lawyer! Find out more about them.

Then on Tuesday, find the divorce laws for your state and start reading them! STUDY them! How does your state calculate alimony? What's the process in your state? Knowledge = power to learn about it.

See, sitting still at home, doing nothing but expecting to find magic words that will convince him to divorce you but not hurt not gonna happen! That's not reality! And it will slowly drive you insane because you are doing the same thing but expecting a different result. If you want the different result, you have to actually DO something different.

So pick ONE step and actually do that...TODAY. Then pick another ONE step and do that tomorrow. Slowly the steps will result in moving forward.

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post #36 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:19 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

You could leave the web browser open to this thread, I think he might get a clue then lol All kidding aside it's time to be straight with him. He's known for at least a year you weren't happy, he's had time to do something about it but he doesn't care. Is he working now? Depending on how bad you want to be free I'd find an apt for him then present it as "This isn't working, I've filed for divorce and you know why, I've helped you as much as I can but I have nothing more to give, I want my life back. Here's the information for an apt I found that you might be interested in, you have 30 days to move out." (I'd recommend staying elsewhere for that 30 days. You want him to know you're serious and he can't talk you out of it). The problem with these big age gapes is you have nothing in common and you're looking at him as some father figure you don't want to disappoint. He doesn't want a wife he wants an ATM and live in nurse. Why has it taken so long to physically leave when mentally you checked out a long time ago? Let go of the let's be friends dream, you have no kids you need to let him go. He's too co-dependent to be your friend.
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post #37 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 05:41 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

Originally Posted by wild_orchid View Post

No, he does not yell nor would he ever hit me...

So in April 2016 I sat down with him and I told him that I was extremely unhappy for quite some time and that I never knew how to express it. I had always felt bad that he was so happy and content and yet I was always yearning for more...

I have always been extremely patient and sympathetic about his lack of sexual function and desire, but I explained to him that being so young - I really do have a strong sexual desire and need... His initial reaction was an eye roll, he sighed... Shortly after he began crying and didn't speak. (I continued to say more of what I was feeling and just how disconnected we are) and then he said "Don't stay in this marriage for me."

I didn't know how to react to that... I suggested trying couples therapy or doing some couples building activities before just calling it quits. He agreed and said he would do his very best to correct the lack of sex in our relationship.

Since that very discussion, not one single aspect of our relationship has changed... Once in a while he will make little remarks like "I know you want to leave me" from time to time... and I began forming my own hobbies and just doing exactly what I want (like school, traveling, and working out) because I don't have a safe place to come home to or someone to join me in these activities.. I never feel embraced and welcomed, he isn't abusive.

Well, after doing therapy for a while now - the decision has become more apparent and certain for me.. But then an unfortunate series of events has happened during the time too. My husband has an ulcer on his right foot (since June 2016 - still not healed) and this Feb. broke a bone in his left foot, needing surgery, resulted in another open wound and he is now non-weight bearing on his feet. He has been out of work since Feb.

These health issues (which are re-reoccurring over all the years of our marriage) keep happening at the most inopportune times. I do not want to kick him while he's down but I also want to be completely honest? He can't exactly leave with zero income? He has 100% neglected our entire marriage to focus on his own health and healing, therefore our conversationless living situation... I feel guilty for wanting this over.

I don't want him to feel like I'm completely heartless... He thinks this is a time where he needs me the most and this is the time where I want him to rely on himself the most and get his health together. Get his life together! It's just bad timing and I know this, but it's now taking over my mental state. I am the most miserable I have ever been and I know it's a conversation I must have... Is there a right way?

In your last thread you said he owns his own business and makes "plenty" of money. So what work has he been out of since Feb? Also, why would he have issues finding a place to go if he has plenty of money?
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post #38 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 07:07 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

There is no easy way.

You either tell him you're done -- and stick to it despite any attempts at guilting from him -- or you continue to live that life.
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post #39 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 07:45 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

1.) File for divorce.
2.) Say, "I filed for divorce."


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post #40 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:00 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

Send him a text

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post #41 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:54 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

You can do it like some do, in stages. First ask for marriage counselling. Then a trial separation and finally a divorce. You can also just go to a lawyer and have him draw up divorce papers and then hand them to your spouse. The first way seems popular as it lets your spouse have hope until you are living apart and then say that you met someone else.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #42 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 05:39 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

Are you able to take care of yourself now?

You said in your thread last year that you separated for a month but you could not make it on your own, so he moved back in. Just tell him that it has been almost a year and nothing has changed from his end and that he needs to move out because you are going to be filing for divorce.

You do matter!
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post #43 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 08:45 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

Oh wow.... Going thru this myself.. Go see a lawyer and talk to him/her about it. Once you retain one, it will move forward. I've talked with a couple different ones but haven't retained one cuz I'm hoping he will do what's right.

I know it's your dad's apt BUT I think you should give him an option to stay or go.. He can pay rent. Just a thought since you felt bad about divorcing..
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post #44 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:20 AM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

If you're going to go through with this... you need to get comfortable with him being upset.
Honestly, my marriage sounds EXACTLY like this; so much so that it's kinda freaky. I've started my plans to divorce. But, it took me 2 years to get comfortable with the idea that he will most likely peg me as a bad guy. I just got to the point where I was so fed up, that I don't care WHAT he thinks of me... I know what's true in my heart, and I'm following that. All the people in my life that love and support me will understand why I'm leaving.

You need to find some confidence before making a move. He will be crushed. He will use guilt. He may hate you... and you know what, you have to let him. He is entitled to those feelings; you can't do this while remaining his saving grace.

You just have to do it. Rip the bandaid. Find strength... trust your instinct and tell him, "I'm not happy, I want a divorce. You need to start looking for your own place. You have (insert time frame) days to find a place and move out."
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post #45 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 04:15 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

Your husband sounds an awful lot like mine. Avoids the issues at all cost.

There is no easy way to say it, write it, text it or serve it. Just do it. Seriously. There will be hurt feelings and hurt pride. There will be depression and anxiety, there will be plenty of guilt trips, but you have to go through that to get to the other side. You have no kids together and don't own a home so the process for you is a lot easier.

My advise would be to go see a lawyer and find out what your rights and responsibilities are. Get your ducks in a row legally first then tell him. Best of luck!
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