How to ask for a divorce? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 03:57 PM Thread Starter
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How to ask for a divorce?



I have posted on here a while ago... I was confused whether or not a divorce was the "right" thing to do. I just can't escape the feeling of truly wanting things to be over. Is this unfair?

Our marriage has been completely sexless for over two years. (Mainly due to my husband having ED and zero desire) and I feel like a constant burden ever bringing it up.

Truthfully, I can't bring up absolutely anything uncomfortable without feeling like I'm the worst person on the planet. There's this look of disappointment in his eyes, it makes me feel guilty for being unhappy.. Also the fact that every marital topic that we discuss, he will then gossip with his mother and I am bashed and criticized for my feelings... It makes me feel embarrassed and guilty! And lastly I struggle to communicate because he completely shuts down and avoids me for days following any uncomfortable discussions..

Is it unfair to bring up wanting a divorce without trying couples counseling?

For me, it has dawned on me that I was much too young to be married. He was 32 when we met and I was 21.. I was married at age 23 - but I just feel like I did not know what life truly held for me. I am now continuing school, surrounded with more people my age, and I vibe differently with my peers. Me and my husband have zero connection at all. He is a complete homebody and I am the exact opposite.

We haven't truly been in love for a long time. He just turned 40 and seems to be living an entirely different stage of life than me (I'm about to be 29) and I just want to somehow end things... I want to be free. I want to know what it's like to be independent. I want to be more adventurous and less sedentary. I have never lived on my own before... I went from living at home to living with my husband. What is it like to be on your own? Can I even afford it?

I am just eager for this new found freedom chapter of my life and can't muster up the words. My husband is truly a wonderful man and I know that he truly loves me... I love him as a person, he's a great best friend and roommate but truly nothing more.


I need someone to talk to. Any guidance?




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post #2 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 04:03 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

I got into a big fight with my ex, packed up my bags, and left. I had you beat, 4 years of 100% no sex!

If you have no kids, then just let him know. He already knows. No sex for 2 years is a sham of a marriage. If you don't have your eyes on someone else, then he'll get over this fairly easy. You have needs that are not being met and you are no longer in love with him. Just tell him that. You will crush his world. He'll promise to fix things and will have sex everyday if you don't leave him. Be ready to stand firm and walk out of the house. Get a place to live lined up before you break the news. Living a hotel sucks, trust me. If you want, you can give him 6 months to change. But you already checked out, you can't go back. Just end it.
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post #3 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 04:06 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

You don't ask for a divorce. You explain that you have decided to divorce based on the marriage being a miserable sham and then you leave.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #4 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 04:06 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

I've never done this but I don't think people usually ask for a divorce, you just decide this is what you want and take the necessary steps.

I got into a serious relationship with a man who was twice my age when I was very young. Unlike you however, I had experienced freedom and independence for quite some time before that. Although he was adventurous, I still felt like I was missing out on the youthful experiences my friends were having.

Why haven't you guys tried couples counselling? Is he averse to it? What is solutions does he present for the sexlessness?
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post #5 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 04:11 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

its going to be hard. and he will be a baby about it. But just keep your head up and realize your doing the right thing.

Good luck
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post #6 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 04:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?



Well, the story is a bit more lengthy than my short post...
Since we have met we have successfully had sex an entire 20 times.
What does that average? 2-3 times a year? And the past two years have been 0%
I know he's aware, but he spends more time convincing me that our marriage is perfect with or without sex. That he loves me and doesn't need to "share our bodies" to be in love. He just sort of side tracks whether it's a need for me or not.

We have no kids... I know he has been walking on eggshells since I have mentioned wanting a divorce before (last April) but I have never brought it up again because I felt so guilty that he was so seemingly devastated.

Nothing changes.. He isn't intimate, romantic, or affectionate whatsoever no matter what I say. His reaction is always somehow something that makes me feel guilty for ever implying I am not happy or satisfied.

I just don't know how to bring it up.. I hate that feeling like I am wrong. I do not have my sight set on anyone else, I just know I hate coming home at the end of everyday and that feeling is miserable.

We live together in my dad's first floor apartment. He would need to find somewhere to go... That is my issue. He really has nowhere to go. I just don't want him to feel like I am kicking him while he's down.. It's stressing me out.



Last edited by wild_orchid; 03-30-2017 at 04:21 PM.
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post #7 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 04:17 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

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Originally Posted by wild_orchid View Post
Well, the story is a bit more lengthily than my short post...
No, it really isn't. You want a divorce. So get one. It really is that simple. Are you looking for us to talk you out of it or something?

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #8 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 04:18 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

People used to have to have the permission of their spouse to divorce. Today no one asks for a divorce. One simply tells their spouse they are getting divorced.

Get a book on divorce in your state. Read it. Understand how it works and what you rights and responsibilities are.

Seek the guidance of an attorney.

Once you are prepared and know what you have to do, tell your spouse that the marriage is over and you are divorcing. That's it.


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post #9 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 04:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?



I began individual therapy for myself in June of 2016 and still go... I have asked him countless times to give it a try, that maybe it will get us out of our funk and his response is always "For what? We can talk fine, we don't need a witness."

I just feel deep inside and out that the right thing for my own peace of mind and happiness is to be alone. I want to be free to do the things that I enjoy without feeling like I'm leaving him out or abandoning him to enjoy my own life. Lately he will set curfews, etc. for things I am out doing.

Because of school, work, friends, and therapy - my schedule is a bit hectic and sometimes I will go to the gym around 9pm when I can fit it in and he now sends a text "I'd like you home by 9, that's too late for you to be out alone." But I'm a grown woman? I get irritated. Why doesn't he ever join me?

Now I don't want him to join.. it feels forced and not like a genuine decision to take part in things with me. I can't explain everything that is off about this marriage, but it's almost everything.

How do I word it? Is it ok to write him a letter? It concerns me that he won't have anywhere to go... I don't want to be hated and things turn ugly. I'd love to keep a friendship, but more or less just both of us acknowledge that it is just a friendship.


Last edited by wild_orchid; 03-30-2017 at 04:25 PM.
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post #10 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 04:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

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Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
No, it really isn't. You want a divorce. So get one. It really is that simple. Are you looking for us to talk you out of it or something?


I guess I was looking for the absolute most considerate route possible..



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post #11 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 04:25 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

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I guess I was looking for the absolute most considerate route possible..
It's far more considerate to just DO it already, rather than pretending you feel some way that you don't and agreeing with his delusions.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #12 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 04:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

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It's far more considerate to just DO it already, rather than pretending you feel some way that you don't and agreeing with his delusions.

How? I don't even know how to bring it up... We haven't had a conversation about anything substantial in weeks. We live in a "hi" and "bye" type of routine lately. The most we have said to each other is "How was your day?" "Good, you?" "Good.." and that's it...

I have no idea how to even go about it... I have tried reading about divorce in my state and how to begin the process, but I just feel like I'm betraying him somehow and if there's a good way to have this awkward and uncomfortable talk, I could use some pointers.

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post #13 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 04:33 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

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Originally Posted by wild_orchid View Post


I began individual therapy for myself in June of 2016 and still go... I have asked him countless times to give it a try, that maybe it will get us out of our funk and his response is always "For what? We can talk fine, we don't need a witness."

I just feel deep inside and out that the right thing for my own peace of mind and happiness is to be alone. I want to be free to do the things that I enjoy without feeling like I'm leaving him out or abandoning him to enjoy my own life. Lately he will set curfews, etc. for things I am out doing.

Because of school, work, friends, and therapy - my schedule is a bit hectic and sometimes I will go to the gym around 9pm when I can fit it in and he now sends a text "I'd like you home by 9, that's too late for you to be out alone." But I'm a grown woman? I get irritated. Why doesn't he ever join me?

Now I don't want him to join.. it feels forced and not like a genuine decision to take part in things with me. I can't explain everything that is off about this marriage, but it's almost everything.

How do I word it? Is it ok to write him a letter? It concerns me that he won't have anywhere to go... I don't want to be hated and things turn ugly. I'd love to keep a friendship, but more or less just both of us acknowledge that it is just a friendship.

OP, your husband is 40, not 14, he's not going to be homeless. He had a life before you and will have a life after.

How many more years are you willing to sacrifice? Look around here on TAM, there are people who have stayed in situations similar to yours for decadessss. Learn from their examples.

You know this is not working for you and he's not willing to do anything to change it, even after you brought up divorce. Imagine how exhilarated you will feel when you have moved on. You can do this.

Set a plan for exactly what you plan to do and stick to it. When you start to feel guilty and feel yourself sliding back into the same old routine, go back and look at your plan. Do this for you, you can do this for you.

He is a grown man, a decade older than you, it is sad that you have to feel compelled to stay with him because you're worried he can't fend for himself. That is just not good enough...
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post #14 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 04:35 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

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Originally Posted by wild_orchid View Post

How? I don't even know how to bring it up... We haven't had a conversation about anything substantial in weeks. We live in a "hi" and "bye" type of routine lately. The most we have said to each other is "How was your day?" "Good, you?" "Good.." and that's it...

I have no idea how to even go about it... I have tried reading about divorce in my state and how to begin the process, but I just feel like I'm betraying him somehow and if there's a good way to have this awkward and uncomfortable talk, I could use some pointers.

Write it down if you need to. That way you can get everything in there and he can't sidetrack you in the middle of the conversation.
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post #15 of 47 (permalink) Old 03-30-2017, 04:38 PM
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Re: How to ask for a divorce?

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Originally Posted by wild_orchid View Post
How? I don't even know how to bring it up...
What exactly are you 'bringing up'? Is there some question in your mind about whether you really want to divorce him or not?

If not, then what's the problem? You do what CynthiaDe listed out and get a divorce. When you have the process started, you simply tell him what you're doing.

If you tell him before you see a lawyer, what do you think he'd do? Would he beg and grovel? Freak out and hit you? Yell at you? Be happy and relieved?

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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