I began individual therapy for myself in June of 2016 and still go... I have asked him countless times to give it a try, that maybe it will get us out of our funk and his response is always "For what? We can talk fine, we don't need a witness."
I just feel deep inside and out that the right thing for my own peace of mind and happiness is to be alone. I want to be free to do the things that I enjoy without feeling like I'm leaving him out or abandoning him to enjoy my own life. Lately he will set curfews, etc. for things I am out doing.
Because of school, work, friends, and therapy - my schedule is a bit hectic and sometimes I will go to the gym around 9pm when I can fit it in and he now sends a text "I'd like you home by 9, that's too late for you to be out alone." But I'm a grown woman? I get irritated. Why doesn't he ever join me?
Now I don't want him to join.. it feels forced and not like a genuine decision to take part in things with me. I can't explain everything that is off about this marriage, but it's almost everything.
How do I word it? Is it ok to write him a letter? It concerns me that he won't have anywhere to go... I don't want to be hated and things turn ugly. I'd love to keep a friendship, but more or less just both of us acknowledge that it is just a friendship.
OP, your husband is 40, not 14, he's not going to be homeless. He had a life before you and will have a life after.
How many more years are you willing to sacrifice? Look around here on TAM, there are people who have stayed in situations similar to yours for decadessss. Learn from their examples.
You know this is not working for you and he's not willing to do anything to change it, even after you brought up divorce. Imagine how exhilarated you will feel when you have moved on. You can do this.
Set a plan for exactly what you plan to do and stick to it. When you start to feel guilty and feel yourself sliding back into the same old routine, go back and look at your plan. Do this for you, you can do this for you.
He is a grown man, a decade older than you, it is sad that you have to feel compelled to stay with him because you're worried he can't fend for himself. That is just not good enough...