My wife is thinking about a separation - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:00 AM
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

Think about this, can you see someone you do not love and will yourself to love them? How about someone talking you into loving them? Does that work? The problem is that love is a mixture of chemicals in your brain. Love cannot be willed into or out of existence. Once it is gone, it is gone even if the other person wants it back. An old friend of mine who was a MC told me that once someone tells you that they no longer love you, get out. There is no fixing that. He learned that in his own marriage. Your wife cannot be talked into getting her brain to release the chemicals that make up love. You are not going to change your basic natures. A beta male cannot be alpha and vice versa. I am not very emotional or have much apathy for others. I cannot change that. I can pretend though that much of MC is getting you to act in a way that is not really you. It is always just a matter of time before you cannot control your anger about something your wife or husband does that really bothers you. You will blow at some point and you are then back to the original problem. MC is mostly a speed bump or rest stop on the way to divorce. It is easy to say let's see a MC than to say I want a divorce. It is easier to say I want a separation than I want a divorce. Separation usually means that he or she wants to keep dating the person they are cheating with without having to lie and hide it. No one wants a separation so they can live alone with 5 cats and think about it. They want sex with others and to keep you as their security blanket should they not find anyone better.

You are playing her game so I can see why she views you as she does. It is just a matter of time and she is playing you while getting you to accept the blame for the problems. I have seen this. Men feel that they have to change to fit the way their wives want them to be. That usually ends in divorce. Good luck anyway but stop acting in a way that only serves to re-enforce her view of you. Separation=I have a boyfriend and want to see if it works out. If not, you are my safety net until the next boyfriend. I have seen this many times. Sometimes they cannot find a good boyfriend and come back; for a short time that is, until the next boyfriend comes along. You are her security net and no more. In the end it is your life to fix or mess up anyway you want to.


Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality when the choice is monogamy or your marriage.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 03-31-2017 at 10:33 AM.
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post #17 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:00 AM
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

So... is she really hot? Do you really want to save this marriage? Or do you only want to save it because you need her income to pay for the house and car and don't want to pay her child support/alimony?

You seem like me in the last year of my marriage. I bought my wife a brand new $50K SUV. I put $30k into the house to remodel it. I was doing whatever she wanted to keep her happy but deep down, I was miserable and couldn't wait to divorce her. I waited until my kids were 5 years old and left her. Lost my ass with the finances. I hated my wife.

She checked out the marriage a while ago.

Here's what you do. If she wants to separate, you get to make the rules. The house goes on the market. You sell the car and she gets a $3,000 beater (ha!). No dating. You get full access to her cell bill and verify who she is texting and calling. I'd bet my next paycheck she is talking to another guy and will latch on to him once she's single.

Hopefully you got a great deal on the house since family sold it and you can now sell it with a nice profit to start your new life with.
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post #18 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:07 AM
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

You're in denial.

Brand new car, brand new mortgage, toxic friends, etc.

You are denying facts and acting emotionally. I recognize it because I have that problem.

Why in the heck would you sign a mortgage when your wife is wanting separation?

Because you're acting emotionally and in denial.

Your wife wants to divorce you. No woman wants to "separate". She wants you GONE.

You need to start planning on how to accomplish that by speaking to an attorney.

I know this sounds harsh. But it's true. Eventually your wife is going to can you. You can't clean enough, help enough, provide enough. That's not what it's about. It's about the fact that for whatever reason, your wife doesn't love you anymore.

She's probably told you so.

This is NOT the end of the world like it feels like NOW. You can be happy again, and can find another woman.

I just want you to start thinking about facts, and how you can deal with this in reality. You are trying to nice your wife back into being in love with you. That just doesn't work. Because she won't let it work.
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post #19 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:14 AM
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

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Originally Posted by jonprofeta View Post
One of the things I think that is my problem is that I wear my heart on my sleeve I'm very emotional. We been trying to get a mortgage for the house that were in which is her childhood home that it's only me her and the two kids we've been trying to get it for the past five years the biggest problems that we had were trying to get this was that she has over $100,000 in student debt and I don't show what I make on the books. I have money in stocks and we use that to pay off the last vehicle so we can get the mortgage but when we went to go into verification of employment it showed that she wasn't going to be employed in July. So we weren't able to get the mortgage last year now if she got a job in the city where she has to commute and she couldn't drive a big truck into the city so I suggested to get A $5000 commuter car but she insisted that it wouldn't be safe to pick up the kids so I ended up getting her a brand-new 2016 ford Explorer Limited with all the bells and whistles we got rid of her other truck and we took a loan out now still actively trying to get the mortgage and we knew getting this truck would not help us it would only hurt us. So not going forth with a mortgage the truck need to be paid off so I borrow $20,000 for my father to pay off the truck. I bent over backwards to get this mortgage and to be at the right debt to income ratio and I successfully got the mortgage and we sign for last week.


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Absolutely STOP buying cars, homes and borrowing money to facilitate your W separation. Next she will have you pay off the student loan then leave with the home and car.

Sir, make it real for your W, draw up D paperwork. Your W putting her unhappiness on your plate to fix is incorrect. Stop blaming you and the marriage for a failing career. Your W happiness is for her to find.

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post #20 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:35 AM
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

That loan you got from your dad? That needs to be in writing and signed by your wife, or the only person repaying your dad is you.
Sell the explorer. Sell it. Sell it.

Sell the house. Do not separate.
You are being played.
Vinnydee is right. You're just a safety net until the next boyfriend--- if there isn't one already.

You are going to be even more miserable than losing your lousy wife, if you also are financially destroyed.

Your wife is putting her unhappiness on YOU. Don't accept it. Do what's reasonable and let her do what she's gonna do.

Please don't cry or beg. Just move forward.
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post #21 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

I was going to write that everyone was going to say I was in denial. She is not in love with me. That's what she said. She still does care about me and still loves me. But we have no emotional connection. We have a problem with communication. Those are two big keys in a relationship. The other one is trust. We are going to do an in house separation. We are calling it a healing separation with goals.


Healing Separation Agreement

A. Commitment to do a Healing Separation:

With the awareness that our love relationship is at a point of crisis, we choose to try a working and creative healing separation in order to obtain a better individual perspective of the future of our relationship. In choosing this healing separation, it is acknowledged there are aspects in our relationship that are destructive to us as a couple and as individuals. Likewise we acknowledge there are positive and constructive elements in our relationship which could be called assets and upon which we may be able to build a new and different relationship. With this in mind, we are committed to do the personal, social, psychological, and emotional work necessary to make this separation a healing one.

At some future time, when we have experienced the personal growth, self-exploration, and differentiation possible in a healing separation, we will make a more enlightened decision about the future of our love relationship.

B. Goals of Our Healing Separation:

Each partner agrees to the following goals for this separation:

• To provide time and emotional space outside of the love relationship so I can enhance my personal, social, spiritual, and emotional growth.

• To better identify my needs, wants, and expectations of the love relationship.

• To help me explore what my basic relationship needs are and to help me determine if these needs can be met in this love relationship.

• To allow me to determine if I can work through my process better apart than I can in the relationship.

• To experience enough emotional distance so I can separate out my issues, which have become convoluted and mixed up together with my partners’ issues in our relationship.

• To provide an environment to help our relationship heal, transform, and evolve into a more loving and healthy relationship.

C. Specific Decisions Regarding this Healing Separation:

1. Length of Separation:


We agree to review this separation agreement monthly to determine if any changes need to be made.

2. Time to be Spent Together:

We agree to spend time together when it is agreeable to both parties according to the following schedule and for the purposes listed.

Once Weekly Date. This time might be spent having fun, talking, dinner out, seeing a movie, etc. No current or past marital issues are to be discussed. Two hour minimum time limit.

Weekly Discussion/Sharing. This time might be spent discussing any personal growth we feel we have experienced, issues that may be important to us, and to work on relationship rebuilding. One hour minimum time limit.

3. Personal Growth Experiences:

Wife agrees to participate in:

individual counseling

other personal growth experiences(reading books, journaling, exercise program, growth group)

Husband agrees to participate in:

individual counseling

other personal growth experiences(reading books, journaling, exercise program, growth group)

4. Relationships and Involvements Outside of the Relationship:

Wife agrees to:

maintain a support system of important friends

not date potential love partners

remain emotionally monogamous

remain sexually monogamous

Husband agrees to:

maintain a support system of important friends

not date potential love partners

remain emotionally monogamous

remain sexually monogamous

5. Living Arrangements:

Both parties currently agree to remain in the family home while maintaining separate sleeping arrangements and personal space. This can be reviewed and changed if mutually agreed upon by both parties.

6. Financial Decisions:

Wife agrees to:

Children Involved in this Relationship:

We agree to the following suggestions, designed to help the healing separation be a positive experience for our children:

1. Both parents remain committed to maintaining a good quality relationship with their kids. They should continue to feel loved by both parents.

2. Parents should be as open and honest with the children about the Healing Separation as is appropriate.

3. The parents will help the children see and understand that the separation is an adult problem and that the children are not responsible for the problems in the parent’s love relationship.

4. The parents will not express anger or negative feelings towards the other parent or children through the children. It is very destructive to children to become caught in the emotional crossfire of the parents.

5. The parent will avoid forcing the children to take sides in the parental arguments concerning differing attitudes and viewpoints.

6. The parent will not put the children in a position of spying and reporting on the behavior of the other parent.


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post #22 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:47 AM
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

If anything could work, your plan might.

I truly wish you well with it.

I'm a good observer.
I see flaws: your wife will not let go of her toxic friends. She likes drama too much.
She's still getting you as her safety net.
I suspect your needs won't be met.

Question: how's your sex life?
That usually says a lot about your relationship.

Again, wishing you luck.
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post #23 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:54 AM
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

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Originally Posted by jonprofeta View Post
I was going to write that everyone was going to say I was in denial. She is not in love with me. That's what she said. She still does care about me and still loves me.
Ummm...I love you but not in love with you speech. Not good at all.

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post #24 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:55 AM
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

Jon,

OK buddy, you got an in house separation and you got some rules. Nothing unusual there.

Two problems

Nothing in there giving you any way to verify the "no dating" potential lovers, and no accountability for her time outside the house. So she just goes where she wants with no explanations

And secondly, her entire posse of toxic friends who are going to encourage her to "be happy" ( translation find a man if she wants to) are still in place.

Denial is your worst enemy.
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post #25 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 11:04 AM
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

If she wants to separate, then SHE can leave.

I agree with those who are saying you are being played.


Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #26 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 11:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

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Jon,



OK buddy, you got an in house separation and you got some rules. Nothing unusual there.



Two problems



Nothing in there giving you any way to verify the "no dating" potential lovers, and no accountability for her time outside the house. So she just goes where she wants with no explanations



And secondly, her entire posse of toxic friends who are going to encourage her to "be happy" ( translation find a man if she wants to) are still in place.



Denial is your worst enemy.


The one girl that is very toxic that has a bad relationship with her husband is out of the picture. She is not driving in with her anymore and is keeping contact at a minimum. As far as the time outside the house she's going to maintain her friendship with her friends still plan to do things as a couple and set time aside to build on the relationship also set Time aside to build on ourselves. We all know if someone is not happy there's no way for them to be happy in a good situation. Only person that can make yourself happy is yourself.


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post #27 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 11:07 AM Thread Starter
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My wife is thinking about a separation

And from the guys previous response before my wife is very good-looking and I also am a very good looking guy. We both take care of ourselves and the physical aspect. I still go to the gym every day and do what makes me happy.


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post #28 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 01:24 PM
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

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And from the guys previous response before my wife is very good-looking and I also am a very good looking guy. We both take care of ourselves and the physical aspect. I still go to the gym every day and do what makes me happy.


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Does SHE go through the gym?
I know that as a good-looking man, you may have never experienced a woman dumping you and cheating on you. But it happens. Lots of times they do it with men that are not nearly as accomplished or handsome as their husbands.

You never answered, and it's none of my business. Still, you should ask yourself about the sex life. If it's bad or. NOn existent, and she's healthy, it's because those needs are being met elsewhere.

I just am trying to get to the bottom of this. Honestly, there's usually a reason when they want a separation or divorce. The fact that your wife wants an inhouse separation is a good sign, if any kind of separation is a "good sign".

Good luck
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post #29 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 01:47 PM
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

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I was going to write that everyone was going to say I was in denial. She is not in love with me. That's what she said. She still does care about me and still loves me.
I got the same speech, from my wife it meant I want a D but not quite confident enough to go through with it yet so I will string it along to build my confidence. I was told my everyone to take the lead and I refused and it got me nothing but a lot of heart break and stress and a confirmed court date for D.

There are a lot of people on here who have been through the same situation and it seems the ones who are successful(not me) took lead did a 180 and accepted moving on.

M - 12
Kids - 2
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post #30 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 02:13 PM
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

I just realized that this "separation" is nothing more than cutting you off from any kind of physical affection. Your wife is likely seeing another man and wants to be faithful to him-- so she cuts you off. You will not know about it until later. You won't dig into it because you're scared of what you'll find. You're being played like a Stratovari.
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