My wife is thinking about a separation - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

User Tag List

 63Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #31 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 02:22 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: SouthWest
Posts: 421
Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

Don't do what I did and just hover around and let her call the shots it ends bad, If you start taking the lead and not giving her a choice you will take her out her comfort Zone so either you speed it up the divorce faster than she anticipated and get it over with to save yourself endless months of limbo or she realizes she doesn't get to have you sit on the side line while she decides what to do and realizes she wants to make it work and don't agree until you start seeing action from her side. Take back control that is the single biggest mistake I made letting her call all the shots and sit on the side line waiting like a desperate loser.


M - 12
Kids - 2
MovingForward is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #32 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:21 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 804
Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
I just realized that this "separation" is nothing more than cutting you off from any kind of physical affection. Your wife is likely seeing another man and wants to be faithful to him-- so she cuts you off. You will not know about it until later. You won't dig into it because you're scared of what you'll find. You're being played like a Stratovari.
Jon

I suggest you read that one again. I missed it. So she has no obligation to fulfill your sexual needs or show any physical affection? So I guess that means she just bought a big supply of batteries for her "rabbit". because if she did not someone is going to be taking care of her physical needs. Do you have physical needs??? My guess is yes.

You are making one big mistake my friend if you do not tell her when this "separation " is over that she is proving she has been faithful with something other than her word.

And do not be fooled by thinking because its "in house" meaning anything. She can meet a man before work, after work, at lunch, and of course at the infamous "girls night out". And what is your reaction when she tells you her and girlfriend are going out of town for the night or week end??? You sit home and wonder.

I agree. You are being played and you are going to pay for it in heartache. The other saying is "You must be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it". You are not there. You are playing the pick me game and that rarely ends well for someone in your situation.

Along with the polygraph demand ( notice I said demand), I would also tell her you are seeing an attorney and that if you find out she has been seeing another man that you will have the papers ready for her immediately. But that cannot be an idle threat. You mmust mean it and she must believe it. Then you will find out how seriously she is taking this thing or if she is just buying time.

Last edited by farsidejunky; 04-03-2017 at 10:04 AM. Reason: Fixed broken quote.
straightshooter is online now  
post #33 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 04:49 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 16
Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

Yes the sexual contact has toned down for a while but I know she is actling using a toy for that. Not a man. But on another note. I have read a book called connecting though yes. I have gotten. Some insight on what needs to be done and not so much specifically on how to change her mind but to stop arguments that we would have. If someone agrees with you is there any reason to argue because if they did they would be contradicting the reasoning. Not saying that I am agreeing to the separation but just saying nearly that yes we do have problems you are right this relationship is not working well right now. So now with agreeing with her not saying it's going to happen overnight or in a couple weeks or a month but you do gain a connection with someone that you agree with. Basically trying to build a bridge and right now that bridge is made out of string. I know that my wife is monogamous and not cheating on me and you may say how do you know that reason I know that is because I know her schedule I know when she gets off and she's never late for anything she works in the school and is not in a tenured position that she can take time off because they get penalized for that. As far as a girls night out I'm good friends with one of the girls that she goes out with all the time and I do have confirmation that she is out with them. On another note we still talk on a regular basis we still text each other on a regular basis but I stopped being the one that initiated the communication. Just from the past few days that I have been showing up in a better mood after she said about a separation me coming home in a better mood has definitely thrown her off a little bit.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
jonprofeta is offline  
 
post #34 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 10:26 PM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 2,765
Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

Quote:
Originally Posted by jonprofeta View Post
I was going to write that everyone was going to say I was in denial. She is not in love with me. That's what she said. She still does care about me and still loves me. But we have no emotional connection. We have a problem with communication. Those are two big keys in a relationship. The other one is trust. We are going to do an in house separation. We are calling it a healing separation with goals.


Healing Separation Agreement

A. Commitment to do a Healing Separation:

With the awareness that our love relationship is at a point of crisis, we choose to try a working and creative healing separation in order to obtain a better individual perspective of the future of our relationship. In choosing this healing separation, it is acknowledged there are aspects in our relationship that are destructive to us as a couple and as individuals. Likewise we acknowledge there are positive and constructive elements in our relationship which could be called assets and upon which we may be able to build a new and different relationship. With this in mind, we are committed to do the personal, social, psychological, and emotional work necessary to make this separation a healing one.

At some future time, when we have experienced the personal growth, self-exploration, and differentiation possible in a healing separation, we will make a more enlightened decision about the future of our love relationship.

B. Goals of Our Healing Separation:

Each partner agrees to the following goals for this separation:

• To provide time and emotional space outside of the love relationship so I can enhance my personal, social, spiritual, and emotional growth.

• To better identify my needs, wants, and expectations of the love relationship.

• To help me explore what my basic relationship needs are and to help me determine if these needs can be met in this love relationship.

• To allow me to determine if I can work through my process better apart than I can in the relationship.

• To experience enough emotional distance so I can separate out my issues, which have become convoluted and mixed up together with my partners’ issues in our relationship.

• To provide an environment to help our relationship heal, transform, and evolve into a more loving and healthy relationship.

C. Specific Decisions Regarding this Healing Separation:

1. Length of Separation:


We agree to review this separation agreement monthly to determine if any changes need to be made.

2. Time to be Spent Together:

We agree to spend time together when it is agreeable to both parties according to the following schedule and for the purposes listed.

Once Weekly Date. This time might be spent having fun, talking, dinner out, seeing a movie, etc. No current or past marital issues are to be discussed. Two hour minimum time limit.

Weekly Discussion/Sharing. This time might be spent discussing any personal growth we feel we have experienced, issues that may be important to us, and to work on relationship rebuilding. One hour minimum time limit.

3. Personal Growth Experiences:

Wife agrees to participate in:

individual counseling

other personal growth experiences(reading books, journaling, exercise program, growth group)

Husband agrees to participate in:

individual counseling

other personal growth experiences(reading books, journaling, exercise program, growth group)

4. Relationships and Involvements Outside of the Relationship:

Wife agrees to:

maintain a support system of important friends

not date potential love partners

remain emotionally monogamous

remain sexually monogamous

Husband agrees to:

maintain a support system of important friends

not date potential love partners

remain emotionally monogamous

remain sexually monogamous

5. Living Arrangements:

Both parties currently agree to remain in the family home while maintaining separate sleeping arrangements and personal space. This can be reviewed and changed if mutually agreed upon by both parties.

6. Financial Decisions:

Wife agrees to:

Children Involved in this Relationship:

We agree to the following suggestions, designed to help the healing separation be a positive experience for our children:

1. Both parents remain committed to maintaining a good quality relationship with their kids. They should continue to feel loved by both parents.

2. Parents should be as open and honest with the children about the Healing Separation as is appropriate.

3. The parents will help the children see and understand that the separation is an adult problem and that the children are not responsible for the problems in the parent’s love relationship.

4. The parents will not express anger or negative feelings towards the other parent or children through the children. It is very destructive to children to become caught in the emotional crossfire of the parents.

5. The parent will avoid forcing the children to take sides in the parental arguments concerning differing attitudes and viewpoints.

6. The parent will not put the children in a position of spying and reporting on the behavior of the other parent.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
This sounds like a great plan provided both of you stick to the terms of the arrangement.
What exactly will you both do to ensure
You have personal growth, self-exploration, and differentiation. Have you signed up for IC, courses, reading, individual activities, etc?
aine is offline  
post #35 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 05:58 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 16
Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

Quote:
Originally Posted by aine View Post
This sounds like a great plan provided both of you stick to the terms of the arrangement.

What exactly will you both do to ensure

You have personal growth, self-exploration, and differentiation. Have you signed up for IC, courses, reading, individual activities, etc?


In all actuality I know that I am doing my part because I have changed myself as an individual with how I needed to be. The only thing where I went wrong was the (please give us another chance I love you being emotional Bla bla bla that drives woman away when they are emotionally disconnected. The one main goal here is for me to distance myself here to have her realize that I am not so much of the problem in her life and I am not what is making here 100% unhappy. I am more so the punching bag here because I have taken all of her stress and frustrations from work and had to deal with the frustrations of what she has been going through. As far as working on ourselves I'm going to bring the kids out more so she can have more quiet time to be herself and unwind. I don't know if some of you have kids but having one is cake. Having 2. It changes the game up a little. Plus 2 boys. If you have more then 2 kids you all know how stressful just going to the grocery store can be. Now I'm not saying my kids are ****ing animals. They are very well behaved and have very good manners please thank you your welcome. It can make simple tasks longer and stressful.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
jonprofeta is offline  
post #36 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 09:48 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,719
Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

You're trying to nice her back into loving you. I wish that worked. She's just going to really take advantage of you, walk all over you, tell you it's just not working, she's just not in love with you anymore, and draw this out for months or even years possibly.
One day when she figures out a way for you to pay for her life, or someone else that will take on her problems and pay for her, she will be out the door.

Be honest with yourself. Is your wife actually working at your relationship? Is she trying as hard at this as you? I don't believe so. She's cut you off from sex and physical affection, you're still paying bills, you're talking about doing x,y,z, with the kids to give her free time, etc etc.
Do you think she's thinking about all these ways for her to increase your happiness? I doubt it.
She's going to get further and further away.

I don't know the solution. I do think filing papers and separating is just what she wants. She wants you to have the kids half the time, pay half the bills, and be free to find someone else.
In one fell swoop she will have reduced her responsibility by half for the kids, you will still be paying bills, and she's suddenly found her freedom to find someone she loves.

You've got to be realistic about what she is really wanting.

You're making excuse after excuse for her. You don't think other people have struggles with work and such? You don't think other people struggle with taking care of kids? She doesn't have a monopoly on parenting woes and job woes. You ALLOWING her to make this all your fault is not going to heal your relationship.

Of course, I don't think filing for divorce will help shock her, either.

I think you just need to try your plan for a while and put a tineline on it. Don't do this for the rest of your life. Your feelings and your needs count also.

I hope it works out for you.
Evinrude58 is online now  
post #37 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 12:01 PM
Member
 
katiecrna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,467
Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

It sounds like she is doing this last stitch drastic attempt to save the marriage and wake you up. Your lucky she is giving you an opportunity to show her your changing rather then just pulling the plug on a lost cause.

Separate. Use this time to make yourself a better man, mentally, physically, spiritually. And date your wife again. Listen to what issues she has about you, and do some self realization thinking. What kind of man do you want to be? What kind of man are you? It starts with you. goodluck
katiecrna is offline  
post #38 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 10:15 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 16
Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

Quote:
Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
It sounds like she is doing this last stitch drastic attempt to save the marriage and wake you up. Your lucky she is giving you an opportunity to show her your changing rather then just pulling the plug on a lost cause.

Separate. Use this time to make yourself a better man, mentally, physically, spiritually. And date your wife again. Listen to what issues she has about you, and do some self realization thinking. What kind of man do you want to be? What kind of man are you? It starts with you. goodluck


We had that conversation just before. We actually spoke really well. We actually laughed about a few things. The weather was nice today so we were outside doing yard work together. She had said to me that she felt good about us together working together. She didn't know if it was just because we have been cooped up in the house all winter or what it was. I do think that her coming out and saying it definitely shaked it up a little and made me open my eyes. I could also tell that when we were taking and I was agreeing with her and adding to how I felt. I could tell that she was a little thrown off that I was agreeing and not resisting her. How can you argue with Simone that is agreeing with you. I'm not agreeing for the sake of agreeing. I am agreeing because I know that this relationship has taken a mental toll on. It's if us. And I need to take a step back myself.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
jonprofeta is offline  
post #39 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-02-2017, 10:31 PM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,180
Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

All that plan is just a piece of paper. Expect her to ignore it.

Check your phone bill and see who her boyfriend is.
Marc878 is online now  
post #40 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 12:46 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Satya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,423
Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

Whose idea was it to draft and implement the agreement?


"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
Satya is offline  
post #41 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 05:34 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 16
My wife is thinking about a separation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satya View Post
Whose idea was it to draft and implement the agreement?


That was just something I found on the internet. Not saying we're like signing it and getting it notarized lol. I can definitely say I feel way better about this then I ever did before. We are going to go over the fine details after we come back from our trip with our kids. It was just funny to see her so thrown off that we were agreeing on this. She was waiting for me to go against her about it and when I didn't she looked at me kinda like surprised like she wasn't all sure about doing it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Last edited by jonprofeta; 04-03-2017 at 05:39 AM.
jonprofeta is offline  
post #42 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 08:34 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 16
Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

So you guys were right. She was involved in an emotional relationship with Simone else.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
jonprofeta is offline  
post #43 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 08:40 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 16
Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

I got a text from a random number saying that they don't know me but said my wife has been with Simone else. Have me his number and name. I looked it up and found out who it was. It was a person that she co taught with in another district. The became friends and it ended when they got to close and his girlfriend didn't like it anymore. I checked phone records and this number was all over. Confronted her and was calm about it. Told her I needed the truth and now was the time to be honest and come clean. I asked her who it was and she was like a deer in headlights. She went Pail. She tried to play it off like it was just a friendship and I came back saying now is the time to be honest and that I know almost everything. End result I don't know what I am going to do but if I ever did decide to stay and work on things then this is going to be really hard for me and is going to take a lot of time. Remember we have two kids together. I am on the fence of either divorce or possible trying to salvage whatever we can.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
jonprofeta is offline  
post #44 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 08:53 PM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 7,630
Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

Jon, I am sorry brother. All the signs were there. Now, please...PLEASE...listen carefully to what you are told this time.

First off, she is likely lying about it being only emotional.

As @GusPolinski likes to say, emotional affair + proximity to affair partner = physical affair.

So, she is cheating. Your first priority is to get yourself out of infidelity. Not save the marriage, not dump the cheater, but get out of infidelity. This requires a simple, disciplined approach from you, which is something like this:

The worst thing that can possibly happen is not you losing your marriage, but you continuing in a situation in which you are sharing your wife.

Before I continue, did you tell her to end the affair?

@drifting on

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is offline  
post #45 of 60 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:15 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,719
Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

It happens. Don't be ashamed.
We all wanted to take all the blame--- so we could fix it.

It would be so easy to fix it---if SHE wanted to. You're more than willing. I'm so sorry.
I hope you keep posting and get some support. I know from personal experience EXACTLY how you feel.
Evinrude58 is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Long, but please read, im so lost JCI20 General Relationship Discussion 15 05-31-2016 12:49 AM
Wife dropped a small bomb on me last night breathedeep General Relationship Discussion 623 04-02-2016 04:51 PM
Not A Good Wife Wishes Coping with Infidelity 1001 03-27-2016 12:26 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome