My wife is thinking about a separation - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 07:43 AM Thread Starter
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My wife is thinking about a separation

I've been together with my wife for 16 years married for seven we have two kids 5 1/2 and 3 1/2. Everything was all good in the beginning of our marriage one of her best friends was pregnant so after we got married she want to try for kids because she wanted to have kids that were the same age as her friend so we did that everything was still all good then we decided to have another kid he was born in 2013. She's had a lot of struggles in her life with her career she has a teacher and she got unlawfully let go from one of the positions that was her dream job and since then she's been in a few other districts that we're not the best districts. Her part in the career has also played a role in how we are in a relationship. Because it defines who she is as a person. From the start of our marriage the last thing we did together was going our honeymoon we haven't taken trips just her and I since the kids of been born and we really haven't made time to do any of that we have the occasional date night but that's about it. With certain jobs that she had gotten that weren't good and made her unhappy our relationship was bad but when she had gotten a job that was good for her are they Chip always got better now she's had a job where she travels an hour and a half to work and has to wake up at 5 o'clock in the morning and she's not appreciated where she is. I'm not saying that I'm a total angel and I didn't do anything to help this relationship crumble and it's not something that is happened overnight it's taken a few years to get this way. We saw it a counselor this past September and the problems that she had with me going into it was that she fell out of love with me and that me being forgetful whether it be me making sure the kids lunches were packed or getting them to school on time those were the biggest fears. Canceling seemed like it was working but she also was carpooling with a girl where her husband was mentally physically emotionally abusive he was a drug attic and alcoholic and this girl did not have a stable environment for herself. I don't believe she was the best influence on my wife not saying that she is easily influenced. I made the mistake of wearing my heart on my sleeve showing all my emotions telling her I love her and trying to show her. But in the end that had not helped I believe that I was perceived as weak. This last session on Tuesday toward the end of the session she had said she wanted to do a separation. We just signed for a mortgage last week for a house we've been living in for the past six years that is her mother's old house and her childhood house. How do I go about this to try to get her to see me in New light and not that I need her.


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post #2 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 07:54 AM
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

It sounds like she feels she can't depend on you to do important things consistently. If she feels she can't depend on you to do something as simple as making the kids their lunches and get them to school on time, she certainly can't depend on you for anything major that may happen. Women need security. You, by being unreliable, cannot provide her with security. I suggest you make an effort to take on responsibilities and fulfill them in an efficient and timely manner. Show her by actions that you are someone she can depend on. Become her rock.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #3 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:08 AM Thread Starter
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My wife is thinking about a separation

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It sounds like she feels she can't depend on you to do important things consistently. If she feels she can't depend on you to do something as simple as making the kids their lunches and get them to school on time, she certainly can't depend on you for anything major that may happen. Women need security. You, by being unreliable, cannot provide her with security. I suggest you make an effort to take on responsibilities and fulfill them in an efficient and timely manner. Show her by actions that you are someone she can depend on. Become her rock.


But the thing is ever since this all was discussed i've done a total 180 since September. I've manned up. and taking responsibility for anything that I've done in the past that hurt her I taking on more responsibility in the house not saying that I didn't before but I've done things to try to make her life easier at home. Listen I'm not one of those guys that comes home from work into man's food on the table. I get both my kids ready in the morning along with any animals we have in the house I do the dishes I put on laundry I sometimes felt it but then get ridiculed that I didn't fold it right. Anything in the house that needs to be fixed I do it any construction on the house I do it anything that she asked of me I always do it. She knows that I have changed since our first session in September and she has told me. But her herself is not happy with the way that her life is in her career. She needs to be happy for herself before she can be happy in this relationship.


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post #4 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

One of the things I think that is my problem is that I wear my heart on my sleeve I'm very emotional. We been trying to get a mortgage for the house that were in which is her childhood home that it's only me her and the two kids we've been trying to get it for the past five years the biggest problems that we had were trying to get this was that she has over $100,000 in student debt and I don't show what I make on the books. I have money in stocks and we use that to pay off the last vehicle so we can get the mortgage but when we went to go into verification of employment it showed that she wasn't going to be employed in July. So we weren't able to get the mortgage last year now if she got a job in the city where she has to commute and she couldn't drive a big truck into the city so I suggested to get A $5000 commuter car but she insisted that it wouldn't be safe to pick up the kids so I ended up getting her a brand-new 2016 ford Explorer Limited with all the bells and whistles we got rid of her other truck and we took a loan out now still actively trying to get the mortgage and we knew getting this truck would not help us it would only hurt us. So not going forth with a mortgage the truck need to be paid off so I borrow $20,000 for my father to pay off the truck. I bent over backwards to get this mortgage and to be at the right debt to income ratio and I successfully got the mortgage and we sign for last week.


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post #5 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:18 AM
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

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But the thing is ever since this all was discussed i've done a total 180 since September. I've manned up. and taking responsibility for anything that I've done in the past that hurt her I taking on more responsibility in the house not saying that I didn't before but I've done things to try to make her life easier at home. Listen I'm not one of those guys that comes home from work into man's food on the table. I get both my kids ready in the morning along with any animals we have in the house I do the dishes I put on laundry I sometimes felt it but then get ridiculed that I didn't fold it right. Anything in the house that needs to be fixed I do it any construction on the house I do it anything that she asked of me I always do it. She knows that I have changed since our first session in September and she has told me. But her herself is not happy with the way that her life is in her career. She needs to be happy for herself before she can be happy in this relationship.


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This is true, one's happiness doesn't hinge on someone else. If you are a good husband in general to her, and she is still ''unhappy'' then that is on her to figure out as to why. I think that it's easier though for people to toss a relationship out when they are sad, confused, or feeling ''unhappy.'' I hope things work out for you both. You sound like you're doing your best to be a good partner in your marriage.

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post #6 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:21 AM
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

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But the thing is ever since this all was discussed i've done a total 180 since September. I've manned up. and taking responsibility for anything that I've done in the past that hurt her I taking on more responsibility in the house not saying that I didn't before but I've done things to try to make her life easier at home. Listen I'm not one of those guys that comes home from work into man's food on the table. I get both my kids ready in the morning along with any animals we have in the house I do the dishes I put on laundry I sometimes felt it but then get ridiculed that I didn't fold it right. Anything in the house that needs to be fixed I do it any construction on the house I do it anything that she asked of me I always do it. She knows that I have changed since our first session in September and she has told me. But her herself is not happy with the way that her life is in her career. She needs to be happy for herself before she can be happy in this relationship.


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If you've made effort and she has recognized that effort, all you can do is keep it up. If her unhappiness is due to her career troubles, she needs to learn to separate her professional life from her personal life. Does she get any time between work and interacting with you and the kids? Perhaps if she had some decompression time, only a half hour or hour, she could more easily separate her negative feelings surrounding her job from her homelife.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #7 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:23 AM
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

I think the housework thing is often a red herring, and that you're correct about your wife having deeper issues related to her own fundamental unhappiness. There are many stories in here where the man stepped up to do more housework and received no recognition in return. Often these are men spinning their wheels in their own unsatisfying career, breaking their backs to make their wives happy, yet everything they do is in vain. Definitely step up with the housework, but don't fall into the trap of believing it will have any positive effects.

If anything, you should try to have her see a qualified Marriage Counselor with you. Perhaps you can at least appeal to her desire to avoid disrupting the children's lives.

Without knowing the specifics of your situation, I'd say that your wife lost respect for you somewhere along the way. Who is the bigger earner in the family? It might actually be good to put a little bit of distance between the two of you, or for her to understand that you will be okay without her. Take the kids on some activities by yourself with the excuse that you'd like her to have some downtime where she can relax and work on herself without having to be a 24/7 mother.
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post #8 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:27 AM
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

Sorry, this is a tough place that you are in. Sounds like she is done with you. This other lady just cemented her poor opinion of you and your marriage. Don't blame her. Both ladies are leaning on each other for emotional support.

On her separation plans:

Is she going to get a place closer to her new job? This would make sense.
This would kill two birds-
1) Bird #1, Eliminate her long flapping flight [both ways]. This drive is madness. You should have offered to move the family somewhere closer. You got the mortgage approval. Can you get a house closer for her...farther for you? You need to downsize...big time.
2) Bird #2, Eliminate her rooster at home. That is you....No Clock-a-Doodle for you.

Is she going to share the place with her new carpool friend?

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.

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post #9 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 08:54 AM
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

Jon,

If you wife has told you she is "not in love with you", you better get prepared to find out that there is another man either already involved or waiting in the wings that she wants to go out with without you around.

Separating cannot be easy financially and you have not indicated anything where she wants to separate and remain "faithful" until she sorts herself out, as if that was the truth. If you fall for this, you need to make it clear to her you are not agreeing to this so she can be "single" and date other men and then decide if you are OK for Plan B.

You should tell her that once she wealks out the door, either she takes a polygraph test or she never comes back home. Her reaction will give you an indication of what is happening.
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post #10 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 09:11 AM
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

The thing that jumped off the page to me about your story is that she wants a separation a week after you signed a mortgage for a house. This isn't a mere coincidence, she scripted this. I think she wants the marriage to stay together just enough for her to make you pay for at least part of the house...a house that only she stays in with the kids and that you only get to pay for and not live in. If there's a way to do it, I would go to a lawyer and try to get out of the mortgage. It looks to me that you signed the mortgage under false pretenses. She's a schemer, I think you should seriously consider whether you want her in your life anymore.


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post #11 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 09:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

We have been living in her childhood house for almost 7 years paying her mothers mortgage her mother moved out with her new husband we just signed the mortgage last week and it is now in our names the job that she has now is not her forever job she is actively looking for a better job closer and something that makes her happy. As far as who is the breadwinner in the family that is me she does hold the insurance for us but I am the one that brings home more money. As far as her seeing someone else she doesn't go off and sneak out and come home late when she supposed to be home so I don't Think that she is involved with anyone else but that doesn't mean that she has an emotionally connected with another person. The person that she carpools with that is not the best influence on her and it's not a good friend she has ended the carpool with her because she talks behind her back to people in the school and it got back to her. Do you realize that this person was not a good friend to her and I knew that from the beginning. In 2013 when she had gotten her dream job we were all fine she was there for two years and she was wrongfully let go on April 1 of 2014. She finished at her school year and ever since then we haven't been good. We were fine over the summer of that year and then she got a job in a district where she was not appreciated she was actively applying for other jobs and she got a new job in January 2016 we were in a better place when she got that new job and were fine over the summer. Then she had gotten another job because the other job was a leave replacement so she wasn't guaranteed a job in September so this new job she had to commute an hour and a half to work every day and not being appreciated for the things that she does. She is actively applying now and is going on interviews for hopes that she can get a job that's closer and better for her over all being. It's not like she completely stopped everything she has planned for the future as far as vacations and things to do as a couple but she is not able to separate her work and home environment. She knows I love her she knows I want to make things work but she needs to find herself because she feels she is lost.


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post #12 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 09:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

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The thing that jumped off the page to me about your story is that she wants a separation a week after you signed a mortgage for a house. This isn't a mere coincidence, she scripted this. I think she wants the marriage to stay together just enough for her to make you pay for at least part of the house...a house that only she stays in with the kids and that you only get to pay for and not live in. If there's a way to do it, I would go to a lawyer and try to get out of the mortgage. It looks to me that you signed the mortgage under false pretenses. She's a schemer, I think you should seriously consider whether you want her in your life anymore.


I don't believe that she had signed the mortgage just so I would be able to pay for it and have her live in the house reason behind that is because we've been trying so hard for the past 5 to 6 years to get the mortgage in our name and we were so far along in the process that I think she just said screw it. Don't get me wrong that thought has crossed my mind but I know that that was not her intention. We still need to talk about what the separation is going to be because she herself will not be able to do it on her own if I left the house as far as getting the kids ready in the morning picking up and all the other responsibilities. This is something we still need to discuss what I started doing the past few days was not being clingy not making it seem like I need her to text me. And I have been doing myself and trying to make myself happier and showing her that I can be happy and don't need her to be happy I'm basically going to try to trying to table so she may see me in a new light.


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post #13 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 09:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

Our biggest problem is communication we would get into petty arguments over small things. So I have tried in the past few weeks to distance myself from any of those petty arguments. Now the girl that she was carpooling with that had really major problems with her husband she looked at my wife as you don't have problems the only thing that you have is that you fell out of love with your husband. She had went to Montauk with that girl and one of her friends and that girl had a couple drinks and totally disrespected my wife telling her that she's a ***** spoiled privileged she doesn't know what real problems are. The next day the girl did apologize for what she said but my wife gave her the benefit of the doubt and after the recent events where she spread or business in the school my wife totally abandoned that there could be any friendship between the both of them. Now my wife's best friend that has had problems with her relationship with her husband for the past four years, has been getting better and right now they're at a point in their life where their marriage is better and I know my wife sees that and sees what she's doing and maybe will want to reconcile a little bit more if I keep up with the way I'm going about things right now. When I come home from work I don't discuss anything unless she talks to me if she calls I don't make it about myself and I let her initiate to ask how my day was when we hang up the phone I make sure I'm the one who initiated the one ending the phone call. Women do not like men that are weak they don't like the feeling that they depend on them. So I'm going to be strong and work on myself and always be in a good mood social say to herself why is he in a good mood I just brought up separation this past week and hopefully maybe one day she will be able to see me in a new light.


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post #14 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 09:32 AM
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

Here's the thing:

This is crystal clear: You get a mortgage on a house and she's wanting to separate.

It's already been said. It's true.
YOU my friend, are being "chumped".

About your "wife":
She was "wrongfully terminated"???
She can't keep a steady job as a teacher??????
Let's me tell you why. It's because your wife is a nut case. She can't get along with people, nobody likes her, her class is likely unruly, etc, etc.

She has successfully chumped you into buying her a BRAND NEW car, and getting YOU to pay for her home.

You need to get this woman out of your life. Do whatever it takes to divorce her. Take care of your kids and find someone you can build a stable life with. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but think about it. Do you want to work all day, then come home and cook and clean all evening while she does......... what???? Fold clothes????

Boot her conniving rear to the curb.
Of course, realize you've majorly screwed yourself signing a mortgage and buying her a new car. You'll also be paying her until your kids turn 18.
You are totally screwed.
And you know who has done this to you? Your wife. Just realize she planned all this stuff. I'll bet when she says she wants to separate, what she means is she wants YOU to leave, while still paying all the bills.

You are delaying the inevitable of you don't go see an attorney.
Sorry man
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post #15 of 60 (permalink) Old 03-31-2017, 09:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife is thinking about a separation

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Here's the thing:

This is crystal clear: You get a mortgage on a house and she's wanting to separate.

It's already been said. It's true.
YOU my friend, are being "chumped".

About your "wife":
She was "wrongfully terminated"???
She can't keep a steady job as a teacher??????
Let's me tell you why. It's because your wife is a nut case. She can't get along with people, nobody likes her, her class is likely unruly, etc, etc.

She has successfully chumped you into buying her a BRAND NEW car, and getting YOU to pay for her home.

You need to get this woman out of your life. Do whatever it takes to divorce her. Take care of your kids and find someone you can build a stable life with. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but think about it. Do you want to work all day, then come home and cook and clean all evening while she does......... what???? Fold clothes????

Boot her conniving rear to the curb.
Of course, realize you've majorly screwed yourself signing a mortgage and buying her a new car. You'll also be paying her until your kids turn 18.
You are totally screwed.
And you know who has done this to you? Your wife. Just realize she planned all this stuff. I'll bet when she says she wants to separate, what she means is she wants YOU to leave, while still paying all the bills.

You are delaying the inevitable of you don't go see an attorney.
Sorry man


We have spoke about doing a separation before the mortgage if the way I was trying to do things wasn't working. As per her job situation when she was applying for jobs and she got this job she was already five months pregnant but they weren't able to see that because she was ccarryingvery small. She got hired and then had to take maternity leave in October the superintendent did not like that and was not able to let her go her first year but did that the next year and made up an excuse they were doing away with the program she worked in. As far as The girl she carpools with she has her own problems where her husband is a drug attic alcoholic physically mentally verbally abuses her that Carl had slept with her husband's uncle. So that girl was a nutcase to begin with. I'm not saying that my wife doesn't do anything around the house because she does cook every single night she does clean up she does fold the laundry she does clean the house. If this was someone else telling me the story I would totally perceive it the same way you have. I don't know my wife well enough to know why what's going on is going on but I do know her well enough that she is not trying to do this so I have to pay for a house and all the other bills.


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