36.5 years...M may be over (mods may way want to del) - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 27 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 03:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 36.5 years...M may be over (mods may way want to del)

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Do you understand your role in making that happen or it is all your wife's fault?
Yes...of course I understand my role in all of this....I am the one that no longer wants to live like this...I'm fairly sure if I didn't bring it up it would of been sweep under the rug....and life would just continue on... I'm no longer willing to accept that...I'm kind of pissed with the lack of support here...it may just be me...

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post #17 of 27 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 03:45 PM
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Re: 36.5 years...M may be over (mods may way want to del)

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Yes...of course I understand my role in all of this....I am the one that no longer wants to live like this...I'm fairly sure if I didn't bring it up it would of been sweep under the rug....and life would just continue on... I'm no longer willing to accept that...I'm kind of pissed with the lack of support here...it may just be me...


Well maybe because your initial post was unclear as to what you want.

The roommate thing is very common in long term marriages.

Are you asking for advice in how to remedy that? Getting pissed at people trying to assist you is not helpful
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post #18 of 27 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 04:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 36.5 years...M may be over (mods may way want to del)

Not sure what I'm asking....even knowing the answer to my question (36.5 and my choice) still hurts...I don't want to come across as getting pissed....just kind of aggravated.. lots of things running thru my head....just glad I found this place and have an option...,
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post #19 of 27 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 05:19 PM
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Re: 36.5 years...M may be over (mods may way want to del)

Many of us in LTRs have found ourselves in similar situations. (Been there, went through the roommate thing) Forty plus years now, and loving it.

You know what you won't accept. You need to decide what you want and what you'll do for it. It will have to include putting you and then your relationship first. Not your mom and kids.

How long has it been where it's only about the two of you?


Here read these first. They may help you chose. Get to a meeting too.

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

His Needs, Her Needs

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Best

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.


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post #20 of 27 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 05:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 36.5 years...M may be over (mods may way want to del)

we lost the empty nesters last August last...both kids "renters moved back within a month of each other last summere....I had to move my mom in Jan 2017...had no choice....no doubt I'm aggravated right now....I pushed for an answer ...I got it....and not willing to accept right now... will have to but nit right this moment... the more I re read this I think I'm completely ****ed up...
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post #21 of 27 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 06:03 PM
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Re: 36.5 years...M may be over (mods may way want to del)

I know what the term "roommates" means, but what does "roommates" mean to you in your relationship... for some it is all else but sex ignoring all the intimacy around them but the physical of varying levels, but thought that without the PIV there is no love... for others it is two entirely separate lives in different beds that intermix maybe for a meal of two through the day/week and that's it.

What does your day/week/month/year as a roommate look like?

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Last edited by Emerging Buddhist; 04-01-2017 at 10:43 PM. Reason: Mindful Clarification
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post #22 of 27 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 06:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 36.5 years...M may be over (mods may way want to del)

no piv...seems like we can't talk to each other...
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post #23 of 27 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 06:49 PM
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Re: 36.5 years...M may be over (mods may way want to del)

Without sarcasm... Do you think she likes to live this way either?

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post #24 of 27 (permalink) Old 04-01-2017, 06:57 PM
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Re: 36.5 years...M may be over (mods may way want to del)

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no piv...seems like we can't talk to each other...
What is(are) her love language(s)?

I would guess your's is physical touch... do you have another?

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post #25 of 27 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 09:51 PM
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Re: 36.5 years...M may be over (mods may way want to del)

Zed, if you are a member of AA and had alcoholism as you have alluded to in previous posts, are there issues surrounding that? Usually when someone eventually works up the courage to go to Al-Anon as your wife did it means things are very bad at home. Your wife may be thinking along the lines that she kept the family together, took care of things while you are buried in a bottle, now you are making demands for some 'loving.' However, you have failed to see that your behaviour has trampled over her for years and that is the one thing you are not going to get because she is resentful.
How do I know, because I am married to a RA who put me and the kids through alot of ****. We have an active sex life as he has done it all, gone to individual counselling, therapy, hypnosis, and marriage courses and marriage counselling.

He is still sober over a year later but knows that the deal breaker is going back to the bottle. We too are empty nesters, sex is good because I like sex and my christian faith has taught me that men are so different from women in this regard, if I withhold it's like him withholding conversation and affection from me and I cannot imagine anything worse.

I also think all the people in the house has frustrated your view of your future, with your wife. You should not use your wife and lack of sex as the scapegoat. You will probably end up living alone taking care of your mother, is that what you really want?

However, I understand where your wife is coming from, she has to heal, get therapy, you do too, it is not enough to stop drinking, you may not realize it but you have left a swathe of damage behind you, which is often difficult to repair.

So my question to you is, what have you done to work on yourself? If you leave now without having worked on yourself those issues will come back to haunt you.
What have you done to help her heal from the devastation your alcoholism wrought?
What do you do daily to show you love her, do you know what her emotional needs are?
Marriage is not just about you, now you have to do the heavy lifting, it is possible, if you put your mind to it and you could have an awesome marriage into your retirement years

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post #26 of 27 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 10:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: 36.5 years...M may be over (mods may way want to del)

This is a really thought out good post.....I appreciate it...lots of truth in it... we talked about this (marriage) 4 months ago...roommate issues...agreed to work on it...(sober 16? months prior to her telling me she wanted a separation....) I agree it was toxic at times....
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post #27 of 27 (permalink) Old 05-04-2017, 10:53 PM
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Re: 36.5 years...M may be over (mods may way want to del)

Exactly what in your life is FUN?
You've got a sick mother and two grown people living in your house.
You ar mad at your wife?

Did she move her sick mother in?

You are a recovering alcoholic with a sudden career loss, both grown kids moving back home----and you're thinking of divorcing the only thing I see that's good in your life?

You need to get away with your wife and start making being around YOU fun and e citing again.

You sound like you are really hard to live with to me. And until you get your wife happy to see you, glad she married you, and trusting you again, you aren't getting any sex. It's just how it is.

If you are just ready to leave after 37 years...,,,, your marriage is doomed. Prepare to be a retiree with nobody in a few years.

My advice: find a way to get some help with your mom and get your kids living on their own, and spend some time taking your wife on a fun trip and reconnecting.

You need a major 2x4 upside the head. Do you really think your wife should be happy? What are you willing to do to change both your lives.

For God's sake, man, you are supposed to be the leader in your family. Nobody is supposed to coddle you.
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