Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Re: 36.5 years...M may be over (mods may way want to del)
Zed, if you are a member of AA and had alcoholism as you have alluded to in previous posts, are there issues surrounding that? Usually when someone eventually works up the courage to go to Al-Anon as your wife did it means things are very bad at home. Your wife may be thinking along the lines that she kept the family together, took care of things while you are buried in a bottle, now you are making demands for some 'loving.' However, you have failed to see that your behaviour has trampled over her for years and that is the one thing you are not going to get because she is resentful.
How do I know, because I am married to a RA who put me and the kids through alot of ****. We have an active sex life as he has done it all, gone to individual counselling, therapy, hypnosis, and marriage courses and marriage counselling.
He is still sober over a year later but knows that the deal breaker is going back to the bottle. We too are empty nesters, sex is good because I like sex and my christian faith has taught me that men are so different from women in this regard, if I withhold it's like him withholding conversation and affection from me and I cannot imagine anything worse.
I also think all the people in the house has frustrated your view of your future, with your wife. You should not use your wife and lack of sex as the scapegoat. You will probably end up living alone taking care of your mother, is that what you really want?
However, I understand where your wife is coming from, she has to heal, get therapy, you do too, it is not enough to stop drinking, you may not realize it but you have left a swathe of damage behind you, which is often difficult to repair.
So my question to you is, what have you done to work on yourself? If you leave now without having worked on yourself those issues will come back to haunt you.
What have you done to help her heal from the devastation your alcoholism wrought?
What do you do daily to show you love her, do you know what her emotional needs are?
Marriage is not just about you, now you have to do the heavy lifting, it is possible, if you put your mind to it and you could have an awesome marriage into your retirement years