Dead end cul-de-sac - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

User Tag List

 69Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #31 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 07:03 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,350
Re: Dead end cul-de-sac

Quote:
Originally Posted by thelitewentoff View Post
30% sounds like a pretty low figure. My state is 50/50, AFAIK.
I'm a self made man. Been through some hard times, financially speaking in the past, but have always been able to rebound, and have been able to provide for my family.
Even if it is 50/50, happiness is more important to me than the money, just so I keep my sanity. Besides, she was there for 28 years too. The last thing I want to do is go through a messy divorce with spending a ton of money in the process.
Why do you expect only 30%?
You need to realize that some people here on TAM are bitter about their own situation. So they spread that around sometimes.

Your split will most likely be 50/50. Illinois is an equitable distribution state, not a community property state. So they start with a 50/50 distribution. Then the lawyers for either party can introduce arguments on why 50/50 is not equitable in their particular case. And the out come is dependent on a lot of factors.

However, in our case, since both of you make good incomes, your distribution is most likely to be 50/50. But this is why you need to read a book that covers divorce law in our state and maybe even do some on-line searches on the topic.

EleGirl is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #32 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 07:23 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,350
Re: Dead end cul-de-sac

Quote:
Originally Posted by thelitewentoff View Post
@Red Sonja,
I'm glad you posted these comments.(below) A woman's point of view who understands!

The word "roommate" has been thrown around a few times in my home.

I'm surprised you picked up on that

OP does not have a marriage to “throw away” rather he has a financial living arrangement, you know a roommate.

OP, only you know what you have done in an effort to improve yourself and your marriage over the years. There is no “magic other” remedy to try that you have not thought of … BTW, I came to TAM originally looking for the same thing. You cannot change her, force her to go to MC or keep her promises. You only have control of yourself. And, the only way to recover a broken marriage is if both partners want to do the work required. You cannot do it by yourself

If I, as a woman, cannot maintain love and connection with my partner inside a sexual desert then I certainly do not expect that a man can do it … especially not in the long term. Think about this: your wife (and my exH) knew what we needed, knew the agony we endured and, simply didn’t care enough to do anything about it or even compromise. That is not love; that is selfishness in the extreme.
I'm not sure why you think women (or most women) would not pick up on what you said and not understand your point of view. Its a bit of a put-down of women really. I'm not sure why the woman bashing is going on here on this thread. There is no reason at all for that.

I, like many other women here on TAM, were in marriages similar to yours, maybe even worse: sexless, a husband who did not want to spend any time with me, and so forth. Shoot add to that a husband who spent every waking moment of ten (10) years playing computer games and surfing the web. All this while I was the bread winner and raised my son and his children.

I get it. Most women on TAM get it. Shoot most women would understand that what you are dealing with is not a marriage worth keeping.
EleGirl is online now  
post #33 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 07:34 PM
Member
 
Lostme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Down South
Posts: 596
Re: Dead end cul-de-sac

It sounds like you have tried everything you could, and she has not responded in kind. Life is short you need to do what makes you happy, yes the kids will be devastated but they are grown and will one day realize you deserve happiness too.



You do matter!
Lostme is offline  
 
post #34 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:05 PM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,180
Re: Dead end cul-de-sac

Quote:
Originally Posted by thelitewentoff View Post
My kids are both in their 20's and I am sure they will be devastated. With that said, they are both adults, and unfortunately have witnessed the ugliness of our strained marriage.
I do not know how much of a surprise it will be to them. As mentioned earlier, 7 years ago divorce was being considered.
At that time, they were old enough to understand what was going on, even though they were in only their teens.
If we have the discussion concerning divorce today, I think they will handle it better, just because they have grown up.
Thats what talk gets you. Nothing.
Marc878 is online now  
post #35 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:19 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
Re: Dead end cul-de-sac

Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Sonja View Post
Not always and, not if they know the truth of the situation. My daughter was over-joyed when I left her father.
It depends on the situation. If one spouse is very abusive for example, or has been a serial cheat, that may be the case, but mostly kids just want their parents to stay together.
Diana7 is offline  
post #36 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:21 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
Re: Dead end cul-de-sac

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostme View Post
It sounds like you have tried everything you could, and she has not responded in kind. Life is short you need to do what makes you happy, yes the kids will be devastated but they are grown and will one day realize you deserve happiness too.
I was reading an article the other day about adult children whose parents divorced, and how deeply it affected and hurt them. Just because they are just about into adulthood, that doesn't mean they wont be devastated.
Diana7 is offline  
post #37 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:47 AM
Member
 
Holdingontoit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: In the woods
Posts: 1,317
Re: Dead end cul-de-sac

JB: Depends on the state. And depends on relative earnings.

Sounds like OP makes not so much more than his wife, who works and makes a good income. That is very different than where the man earns 90%+ of the combined income and wife has been SAHM for many years. In my state, with a breadwinner and a SAHM who divorce after 20+ years, the wife gets permanent lifetime alimony. But sounds like OP would get close to 50% split.

The hard part comes with closely-held business. Easy to divvy things up if both spouses are employees who make W-2 income. If you own a business report on Schedule C and income varies greatly year to year, can be very hard to agree on what the business is worth or how much alimony the business owner can afford to pay. If main support came from owning / licensing a bunch of Blockbuster video stores, and you got divorced in the late 1990s or early 2000s, you probably ended up wiped out when they lost all their value a few years later.

When you can see it coming, duck!
Holdingontoit is offline  
post #38 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:50 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Illinois
Posts: 7
Re: Dead end cul-de-sac

@EleGirl, I am sorry if you feel I was making a broad stroke comment against you, or other women on this forum.
If that was the impression, it wasn't meant to be a put-down or a charge against women, but just my observation of how the term "roommate" was used in a post by another member here, and it sort of caught my attention. Also, because that is how my situation feels, and the word had been used during heated discussions with my wife in the past.
I was more surprised that having a "roommate marriage" must be more of a common situation/problem in some marriages for women and men than I previously thought.
Thanks again for your response.
thelitewentoff is offline  
post #39 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:57 AM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 7,630
Re: Dead end cul-de-sac

Speaking as a Moderator:

Discussing financial implications of someone else situation on this thread is a thread jack. I have cleaned up several posts. Please take the discussion to the appropriate thread. Continuing to do so will result in a 48 hour time out.

Now back to the OP.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is offline  
post #40 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:02 AM
Member
 
Yeswecan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 3,431
Re: Dead end cul-de-sac

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
Adult children are just as devastated by their parents divorcing as younger ones, especially if they had no idea anything is wrong. I dont think they will understand, what they will see is their dad abandoning their mum and in effect them as well.
We do not know if the adult children are unaware of the problems. OP did state an attempt to divorce was made years ago if I'm not mistaken. Where the children aware at that time?

As a young child I could sense with ease when my parents were at odds. Especially the day my mother threw her wedding band into the garbage disposal. As an adult, I would not have been devastated if my parents split. Sad? Yes. Not devastated as past history shows unresolved issues in the marriage. However, my parents did stay together and had a wonderful life despite the ground up wedding band in the garbage disposal.


“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
Yeswecan is offline  
post #41 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:09 AM
Member
 
Yeswecan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 3,431
Re: Dead end cul-de-sac

Quote:
Originally Posted by thelitewentoff View Post
@EleGirl, I am sorry if you feel I was making a broad stroke comment against you, or other women on this forum.
If that was the impression, it wasn't meant to be a put-down or a charge against women, but just my observation of how the term "roommate" was used in a post by another member here, and it sort of caught my attention. Also, because that is how my situation feels, and the word had been used during heated discussions with my wife in the past.
I was more surprised that having a "roommate marriage" must be more of a common situation/problem in some marriages for women and men than I previously thought.
Thanks again for your response.
It is a roommate marriage is quite common. I was there once. Did not realize it. Perhaps your W does not either.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
Yeswecan is offline  
post #42 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:16 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 990
Re: Dead end cul-de-sac

What consequences have you given her? People rarely change. You are part of the problem too. We'd have to talk to her to get her point of view, but she resents you and doesn't want to be intimate with you, thus the weight gain. She gained the weight so you don't find her attractive with the ultimate goal of avoiding sex with you.

Just divorce her. Life is too short to be stuck in a loveless and miserable marriage. I was there too. 100% sexless for the last 4 years of the 8 year marriage. Lost half my "crap" and still rebuilding. It's just money, can always make more. I have young kids (2 under 7yrs) and that's what kept me in it so long. I'm 16 months since separation, and 10 months since divorce finalized. I'm the happiest I've ever been. Even engaged and buying a house with the woman of my dreams. We have sex at least once a day. It's amazing being with someone that desires you.
GuyInColorado is offline  
post #43 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:29 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 110
Re: Dead end cul-de-sac

It is just as likely the kids will be relieved as it is they will be "devastated", especially since they already know things aren't right. Mine were. Do not make this decision based on them - make it for yourself. Dump the cold dead fish and find LIFE again. What are you going to lose ? Sounds to me like nothing that is important and you have lots to gain.
2&out is offline  
post #44 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:55 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 291
Re: Dead end cul-de-sac

Quote:
Originally Posted by thelitewentoff View Post
I have made every effort to salvage our marriage, made compromises, suggested counseling(she refused)...
In this and other TAM stories, this is always the part that irks me the most. OP has made a good-faith effort to save the marriage, only to be met with intransigence. She's had ample warning, but I expect she'll be "surprised" when OP again raises the subject of divorce.

If the marriage is no longer important to her, and no longer important to you, then it's time to move on. The kids will be fine. She thought you were bluffing last time, so make sure she understands that things are real this time around, if you think there is still any chance of saving the marriage.
Tatsuhiko is offline  
post #45 of 53 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:10 AM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,190
Re: Dead end cul-de-sac

Quote:
Originally Posted by stixx View Post
No, it's a 50/50 split in most jurisdictions.

I've seen your back posts @jb02157, you're afraid to divorce because you have an unrealistic view of the legal system and perhaps not enough money to live on your own regardless of how things get divied up. Anyway, divorce is bad but not that bad - especially if the split is amicable-, and when there are no minor children both parties are on relatively even footing although if he's the breadwinner (it's not specified in his post that I can see) he may be paying spousal support for a while unless he can build it into the settlement, but that's not always a good idea because she can always blow through it and then go back for more.
I tried to explain that I'm not afraid of divorce but my posts were deleted. What I have posted was based on facts from divorce lawyers. I didn't make any of it up. Sorry.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
32+ years coming to an end sunshinesas Considering Divorce or Separation 99 03-19-2017 09:34 PM
At my wits end... CarmelDipped70 Relationships and Spirituality 5 01-22-2017 11:04 PM
Is this the beginning of the end? EllaSuaveterre Politics and Religion 93 11-27-2016 05:58 PM
Should I end the separation? melderi Reconciliation 1 01-24-2016 03:55 AM
Dead end help Lotusman Considering Divorce or Separation 3 12-18-2015 02:54 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome