Don't know if I should... - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 05:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't know if I should...

Yes I understand affairs aren't good but when you constantly ignored and given little respect.. A woman needs that passion.. It's human nature.. It felt wonderful and no regrets at all..It wasn't about the sex it was about being with a kind human being. It ended after 6 months and I fell into a depression for a couple months.. Spouse wasn't concerned just 'hurry up and be strong for the family'. Yes at that time should've divorced but too weak. We all have issues but his are tough.. Our whole marriage has been hurried and unable to do nice dinners/conversations.. Once divorced I will have to work full-time I'm sure.. The part-time is because I do the running around, making dinner, laundry, etc.. He knows that if I did go full-time he wouldn't help out. I really resent that he doesn't want to try-- even counseling would help so much.. That tells me he is here and interested in me. I've read about ultimatums and may just go thru with it. Medication, therapy or divorce

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post #17 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 05:28 PM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

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Yes I understand affairs aren't good but when you constantly ignored and given little respect.. A woman needs that passion.. It's human nature.. It felt wonderful and no regrets at all..It wasn't about the sex it was about being with a kind human being. It ended after 6 months and I fell into a depression for a couple months.. Spouse wasn't concerned just 'hurry up and be strong for the family'. Yes at that time should've divorced but too weak. We all have issues but his are tough.. Our whole marriage has been hurried and unable to do nice dinners/conversations.. Once divorced I will have to work full-time I'm sure.. The part-time is because I do the running around, making dinner, laundry, etc.. He knows that if I did go full-time he wouldn't help out. I really resent that he doesn't want to try-- even counseling would help so much.. That tells me he is here and interested in me. I've read about ultimatums and may just go thru with it. Medication, therapy or divorce
Its really sad that you dont regret cheating and that you haven't been honest or brave enough to tell him.
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post #18 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 05:30 PM
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Don't know if I should...

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Its really sad that you dont regret cheating and that you haven't been honest or brave enough to tell him.


No, not sad. There are some things worse than cheating. If you have lived them for 5 , 10, 15 years you would understand.
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post #19 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 05:36 PM
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Yes I understand affairs aren't good but when you constantly ignored and given little respect.. A woman needs that passion.. It's human nature.. It felt wonderful and no regrets at all..It wasn't about the sex it was about being with a kind human being. It ended after 6 months and I fell into a depression for a couple months.. Spouse wasn't concerned just 'hurry up and be strong for the family'. Yes at that time should've divorced but too weak. We all have issues but his are tough.. Our whole marriage has been hurried and unable to do nice dinners/conversations.. Once divorced I will have to work full-time I'm sure.. The part-time is because I do the running around, making dinner, laundry, etc.. He knows that if I did go full-time he wouldn't help out. I really resent that he doesn't want to try-- even counseling would help so much.. That tells me he is here and interested in me. I've read about ultimatums and may just go thru with it. Medication, therapy or divorce
What is he angry/stressed about? Is he resentful that he's the breadwinner?

Living with an anxious husband is VERY stressful/damaging to a wife. Added to the fact that he's neglecting you and detached, and unwilling to go to counseling to work on the marriage....Yes, you need to do something here. You've certainly contributed problems to the marriage by being unfaithful, and you'll have to tell him this so he can decide if he wants to work on the marriage or not.

Time to have a talk with him. I'd find a very good marital coach with a successful plan to restore intimacy in marriage. You both have poor communication techniques and need the outside help. I recommend contacting Marriage Builders. They will likely tell you that you need to tell your husband that you are deeply unhappy in the marriage and the two of you need to work together with a coach to fix it. If he's unwilling, you'll have to separate.
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post #20 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 05:37 PM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

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Yes I understand affairs aren't good but when you constantly ignored and given little respect.. A woman needs that passion.. It's human nature.. It felt wonderful and no regrets at all..It wasn't about the sex it was about being with a kind human being.
Ma'am the problem isn't with you wanting respect and passion.

You are entitled to go and get all of that with any man you choose.

But there's one "minor" detail you seem to be forgetting - you exchanged vows - that's a promise to be faithful to your lifelong committed partner who has done the same for you.

So next time- try to keep up with me on this -

1- Get divorced
2- Go get passion from another guy

In THAT particular order.

That way you are deserving of the respect you seek, and you don't have to make lame excuses for abhorrent behavior.
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post #21 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 05:41 PM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

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No, not sad. There are some things worse than cheating. If you have lived them for 5 , 10, 15 years you would understand.
I did in the past, for 23 years. If I had cheated I would have deeply deeply regretted it. My husbands first marriage of 23 years wasn't happy, he didn't cheat either.
Adultery is a serious thing and as we can see here, its damaged the marriage still further especially when there are lies and secrecy and deception about the affair.
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post #22 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 06:16 PM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

OP,
Do you care about your H as much as your own honor, integrity and trustworthiness?

Peace and long life

Last edited by NoChoice; 04-06-2017 at 05:16 AM.
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post #23 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 06:52 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

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Originally Posted by stixx View Post
Ma'am the problem isn't with you wanting respect and passion.

You are entitled to go and get all of that with any man you choose.

But there's one "minor" detail you seem to be forgetting - you exchanged vows - that's a promise to be faithful to your lifelong committed partner who has done the same for you.

So next time- try to keep up with me on this -

1- Get divorced
2- Go get passion from another guy

In THAT particular order.

That way you are deserving of the respect you seek, and you don't have to make lame excuses for abhorrent behavior.
But dude.

She'd have to work FULL TIME!

Can you imagine how absolutely horrible that would be?!?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #24 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 07:05 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
But dude.

She'd have to work FULL TIME!

Can you imagine how absolutely horrible that would be?!?
She did say she has no problem with working full time now if he would help out, but he is not willing to.
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post #25 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 07:11 AM
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Don't know if I should...

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Maybe he just trusts his wife.


Or he doesn't care.

OP, if your husband won't have sex with you for five years he has already written off the marriage. He stays only for his comfort.


Last edited by 225985; 04-06-2017 at 09:33 AM.
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post #26 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 08:18 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

Withhold and get cheated on. Natural consequences of his choices.


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post #27 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't know if I should...

That's exactly right!!! He doesn't care!! He is very comfortable. He didn't even want me to work part-time because he was afraid that it would affect him somehow. I found a job during school hours and at times when I don't have dinner, he gets upset because it revolves around him.. Anxiety is the problem making him bitter and angry. He feels he is the only person who deals with work issues, home repairs, bills to be paid, spending money, etc... He gets angry when I'm not angry with him-- I chose to look at things positively not negative all the time. His worries take over...and really can't help it without medication. Trust me he has nothing to worry about-- great job, home, married with kids, kids are great (very proud of them), money in the bank.. What does he have to worry about?? Certainly not me or the kids.. It's all about everyday things that people have to deal with owning cars a home, etc It's called life..

The affair isn't the issue here not at all... It's shouldn't have happened but it did.. The issue is our marriage.. Being respectful with one another, communication, etc.... And him not wanting to talk with me or counseling tells me he just wants to go back to me being a mom with no opinions.. His parents are old-school and his mom doesn't say much as she allows him to make all decisions.

I know for a fact divorce is scary to him because he will have to split our assets.. quite a bit of $$$ and we have been married a long time. It's scary to me too. I just feel now that he refuses any suggestions I have, that we are hanging on to nothing. I have mentioned divorce before but he doesn't want to believe it. This morning after the kids left I told him that maybe we should try separating first to see how it goes... We could be much better people living apart. Who Knows?? But as usual he ignores me so I doubt that he heard anything I had to say. This is normal that when I want to talk and it's something he doesn't agree with, he shuts down. I could try getting him out to dinner alone but god for bid we spend $$ on a meal-- (aniexty also) But yes worth a try...
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post #28 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:36 AM
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Don't know if I should...

What anxiety med and dosage was he taking?

If he takes the meds would you stay?
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post #29 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

BTW, At a really bad time I told my spouse "go to the doctor and get meds or we separate".
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post #30 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't know if I should...

He tried something in the fall and he complained of headaches and yes I could tell something was off.... I think it was a high dose.. Then the DR tried 25mg of zoloft and it was magical.. The only thing I noticed was more conversations, not as many issues/concerns, there was laughter/grins.. it just felt right!! He wasn't yawning all the time because he was actually sleeping at night!! I felt happier too because it was more relaxing environment.--- I think I did more for the family. I'm sure the kids noticed a positive difference as well.. Then he just stopped and I got really upset because his worries came back... I urged him to continue-- writing emails explaining why.... So he hasn't been back on since. He takes Cholesteral medicine everynight and NEVER forgets but the zoloft was on/off then he just quit all together. I think it was a stigma.. counseling would help but he refuses.

I don't hate him-- he's a good person in generel.. He can't help his behavior/actions. When he gets angry he has never hit me although at times I'm sure he would.. So yes, that's all I want is for our relationship is to go back the way it was. Stress is not good on anybody!
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