Don't know if I should... - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #31 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:33 AM
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Don't know if I should...

I take 50 mg Zoloft. That also is a very low dosage. 25 mg is barely therapeutic. But if it works, great.

Taking Zoloft intermittently or just stopping is very bad. It's not like taking aspirin. He needs to take it consistently.

His stigma issue is unfounded. A strong confident man should not have any issues taking a med to correct a slight imbalance in brain chemistry.

Btw, he CAN help his behaviors and actions. He just doesn't want to do what is needed.

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post #32 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:52 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

The one things that's being left out here is the fact that the OP had an affair and apparently that seems to be ok with the OP. He doesn't know and what he doesn't know won't hurt him....? So it's ok during the process of addressing the problem, if you don't get the response you're looking for, it's ok just to go out and have affair. I don't know who's actions are worse, the OP or her H. It seems the result will be the same but the OP should tell her H what she did.

Both have alot of work to do on themselves if they want a successful marriage in the future.

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post #33 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 11:04 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

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That's exactly right!!! He doesn't care!! He is very comfortable. He didn't even want me to work part-time because he was afraid that it would affect him somehow. I found a job during school hours and at times when I don't have dinner, he gets upset because it revolves around him.. Anxiety is the problem making him bitter and angry. He feels he is the only person who deals with work issues, home repairs, bills to be paid, spending money, etc... He gets angry when I'm not angry with him-- I chose to look at things positively not negative all the time. His worries take over...and really can't help it without medication. Trust me he has nothing to worry about-- great job, home, married with kids, kids are great (very proud of them), money in the bank.. What does he have to worry about?? Certainly not me or the kids.. It's all about everyday things that people have to deal with owning cars a home, etc It's called life..

The affair isn't the issue here not at all... It's shouldn't have happened but it did.. The issue is our marriage.. Being respectful with one another, communication, etc.... And him not wanting to talk with me or counseling tells me he just wants to go back to me being a mom with no opinions.. His parents are old-school and his mom doesn't say much as she allows him to make all decisions.

I know for a fact divorce is scary to him because he will have to split our assets.. quite a bit of $$$ and we have been married a long time. It's scary to me too. I just feel now that he refuses any suggestions I have, that we are hanging on to nothing. I have mentioned divorce before but he doesn't want to believe it. This morning after the kids left I told him that maybe we should try separating first to see how it goes... We could be much better people living apart. Who Knows?? But as usual he ignores me so I doubt that he heard anything I had to say. This is normal that when I want to talk and it's something he doesn't agree with, he shuts down. I could try getting him out to dinner alone but god for bid we spend $$ on a meal-- (aniexty also) But yes worth a try...
So why didn't you divorce him instead of acting like a coward and cheating. Sorry the affair take you out of the good guy status here. Your just as bad as he is and your lack of character in regards to what you have done leads me to think you are not the great wife you present yourself to be. Honestly it sounds like you both belong together because you both treat the marriage and each other with the same disdain. Pull the trigger already.
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post #34 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 11:22 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

What will it take to get him to take Zoloft? I don't mean threats. That won't work.

You should communicate to him that you see him anxious and in pain, that you cannot bare any longer to see him unhappy, and that you think a separation is best for him.

But he prepared to leave.

That approach is not controlling. Not a threat. But it is a consequence.

That might work.
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post #35 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 11:24 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

This seems to be a common theme with people who really NEED to be on these types of meds. I never have understood it. I begged my first husband to get on anti depressants, and he refused... that is, until we separated. He started taking them and couldnt believe how much better he felt. He was on them for a couple years, then he stopped taking them and never would go back on them. I have seen this happen with other folks in my life, too.

I would take it as a sign that he prefers to live with the anxiety, and really doesnt care how it affects your or your kids. You cant MAKE him do anything. I have been exactly where you are, and I got out.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #36 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 11:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't know if I should...

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I take 50 mg Zoloft. That also is a very low dosage. 25 mg is barely therapeutic. But if it works, great.

Taking Zoloft intermittently or just stopping is very bad. It's not like taking aspirin. He needs to take it consistently.

His stigma issue is unfounded. A strong confident man should not have any issues taking a med to correct a slight imbalance in brain chemistry.

Btw, he CAN help his behaviors and actions. He just doesn't want to do what is needed.
The 25 mg was at first, when he went back for a check-up-- she upped it to 50mg.. He then decided he wasn't going to it. Yes, you are right about changing behaviors, it can happen but the person has to want to.
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post #37 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 11:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't know if I should...

I don't know what it would take for him to take meds or even just do counseling.. Maybe divorce papers, IDK.... I have told him that it's not a threat, it's a fact that our marriage isn't right... But yes, I should prepare myself to do something. And yes, I think he feels comfortable living with this-- it could be 'normal' for him and the zoloft made him too relaxed and not used to it.
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post #38 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:02 PM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

On the medication:
Sounds like he is happy with who he is. I can respect that.

By taking his meds he "knew" he was losing control of who he is/was and who he is comfortable being.

You liked the new him. He did not.

He lost control. The meds tamed the beast. A beast that he apparantly enjoyed.

He is not good for you. You gave your husband an very long test drive. The drive went into beyond the Original Equipment Warranty. You did not buy an extended warranty.

Trade him in, or scrap him out.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #39 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:32 PM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

Sounds like your husband is inconsiderate, selfish, and inattentive to your needs. That sucks, especially that he's refusing to do the work to fix himself. It's a tough situation all around.

Are you going to tell him that you messed around town, because if you're going to work to "fix" him, it would be a crying shame if he recovered, became the man of your dreams, found out that you cheated, and kicked you to the curb. He might not be so apathetic when his chemistry is corrected, you know.

You might just want to divorce him and get it over with. If you've had sex with him after you slept around, you might want to let him know to get tested for STDs. That would be a fine parting gift, no?

Oh, and next time, if there is a next time, forgo the wedding vows. They're so old-fashioned.
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post #40 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 10:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't know if I should...

Have tried all weekend to talk with him... He doesn't want to hear anything I have to say.. getting angry and leaves the room. I have no idea what I'm going to do.. I can't just leave, I have kids here at home. What a mess, I was literally shaking when I was getting a consultation a week ago.. And I drept that I was getting married again (i think to him) and I woke up at 3:30 and could not get back to sleep. Maybe I'll try talking with our marriage counselor to see if he can intervene somehow.

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post #41 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 10:47 PM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

Stop seeking his input. He makes it clear that he isnt interested, so dont expect any effort from him. His blowing you off is your answer. It sounds like you are done anyway, so its just beating a dead horse at this point anyway. Go file for divorce, then tell him you're done.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #42 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 11:50 PM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

I think you have to take the bull by the horns so to speak and do what is right for you and the kids

However, you should come clean about the affair, you think he knows nothing but maybe he does and that is why he shut down, maybe he suspected a long time ago?

You get the divorce papers, come clean and then tell him that unless he decides to get the help he needs, the marriage is over and you are going through with the divorce.

This might wake him up.
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post #43 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 03:31 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

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He tried something in the fall and he complained of headaches and yes I could tell something was off.... I think it was a high dose.. Then the DR tried 25mg of zoloft and it was magical.. The only thing I noticed was more conversations, not as many issues/concerns, there was laughter/grins.. it just felt right!! He wasn't yawning all the time because he was actually sleeping at night!! I felt happier too because it was more relaxing environment.--- I think I did more for the family. I'm sure the kids noticed a positive difference as well.. Then he just stopped and I got really upset because his worries came back... I urged him to continue-- writing emails explaining why.... So he hasn't been back on since. He takes Cholesteral medicine everynight and NEVER forgets but the zoloft was on/off then he just quit all together. I think it was a stigma.. counseling would help but he refuses.

I don't hate him-- he's a good person in generel.. He can't help his behavior/actions. When he gets angry he has never hit me although at times I'm sure he would.. So yes, that's all I want is for our relationship is to go back the way it was. Stress is not good on anybody!
Its so hard to understand why he stopped when he and the rest of the family were so much happier. It may need to be a question of you saying, you take those meds again or I will divorce you. Maybe he just likes being miserable, some people do.
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post #44 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 05:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't know if I should...

Things have been strange but in a good way... Went to lawyer and told spouse what I did... No biggie to him.. Then I was getting overwhelmed and sad about starting over.. Crying here and there because I knew this was the beginning of the end. One night I couldn't take it so I was crying a bit and told him we needed to separate. Still nothing-- him being angry at whatever. Encouraged to go back to MC but he refused and wanted to try another MC which is his way of running away (we've been thru 2). I then went to my parents for the day and we talked and I hinted what was going on.. On Easter we went to my parents and he wasn't sure he wanted to go which I didn't care either way but told him that he is always welcome at my parents.. I also told him my brother offered a place for kids and I to stay but it's too far away. Anyways, after all that spouse has been REALLY mellow!! WOW He still has some nervous energy but really trying!! I can tell when he wants to raise his voice and gets mad but he doesn't!! This is who I married.... It's like he talked with someone... Or FINALLY realized I was serious. This morning we took a walk which I could tell he was hesitant because he wanted to hurry up and get to work but I know the fresh air is good for us both. And we talked about doing some yard work this weekend in between all this kids activities.. He spends more time upstairs with family instead of the basement watching TV or being on the computer.. He even had a beer 2 nights ago which he never does.. It's more laid back--no arguments--listening more.. Don't know how long it will last but this is all that I asked for... It's a start anyways and makes me want to do better for my family..
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post #45 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 06:18 PM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

No sex for 5 years? You two will NEVER have sex again. I'll bet my next paycheck. Are you OK with that? You shouldn't be. I'm curious, did you two ever have an adventurous sex life? Go down on each other, sex in the car, sex in random places, etc?

Let me ask you. If you had no kids in this marriage, would you still be married? I doubt. Don't stay married for the kids. You are teaching them this is a normal relationship and don't be surprised they end up in the same misery.
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