Don't know if I should... - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #46 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 10:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't know if I should...

Yes... the sex part-- I guess I'm missing out..kinda. It's the passion and excitement of being with that person.. A few more years and these kids will be off to college. For right now I'm looking for stability-- I didn't like that feeling of me having to start over with kids. At this point in my life I want peace. Your right, I might not still be married if it weren't for kids and I doubt we will ever have sex again.. As long as there is peace, I'll be fine. Sex isn't everything but it does bring you closer together.

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post #47 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 12:29 PM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

Lots of questions to understand your situation-

How old are you? How old is your husband?

Did you have a good sexlife for the first 15 years of marriage?

Has he ever told you why he does not want sex? Five years is a long time! That is just very strange for any adult especially one who is married and especially a male.

Did the sexlessness occur gradually or more suddenly?

Was it him that stopped wanting sex or were you rejecting him often and he quit asking.

Has he ever had his testosterone level checked?

Why would you be willing to not have sex for the rest of your life or marriage, whichever one ends first?

Did the 2 of you discuss the sexless marriage with the MC when you went?

How long ago was your affair? Before or after he stopped having sex with you? Before or after you and husband went to MC?
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post #48 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 07:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't know if I should...

Lots of questions to understand your situation-

How old are you? How old is your husband?---- We are both 48.

Did you have a good sexlife for the first 15 years of marriage?---- I thought so-- I dated a bit before I met him... Sex was sex but looking for a good guy who could offer stability too. But now that I think about it-- there was a couple times that he couldn't stay hard which killed the moment and I think that's why he started not wanting it.

Has he ever told you why he does not want sex? Five years is a long time! That is just very strange for any adult especially one who is married and especially a male. ------Yes it was strange.. I thought he was gay but then into porn like his dad. Not an addiction just here and there which is normal. Could be A-sexual. Now I think I understand that anxiety was involved. He is so hyped up that he can't relax to enjoy it.

Did the sexlessness occur gradually or more suddenly?----- Yes gradually.. When the kids were young I did push him away because I was focused on kids and getting my rest.. And yes he was just as tired as I was so it just got to be 'normal' for us.

Was it him that stopped wanting sex or were you rejecting him often and he quit asking.------ Eventually it just stopped.. He stopped wanting it.. And I was 'ok' with it..Who wants to have sex with a guy who is negative and complains all the time like he is now.

Has he ever had his testosterone level checked?----No... He just likes to get in and get out with the basics from the DR--never brings up issues.. I can't get him in for a sleep study which would say a lot and the psch eval was very difficult but that's when we discovered 'Anxiety' which he refuses the low dose meds.

Why would you be willing to not have sex for the rest of your life or marriage, whichever one ends first? -----I guess I'm weak.. Not willing to go thru misery to get out. I do think about having a relationship with someone who is kind, caring, giving.. Someone who enjoys conversations. Someone who wants better for me.

Did the 2 of you discuss the sexless marriage with the MC when you went? ----- Umm it might've been brought up but I think I pushed it to the side because I was more concerned with the negativity, arguments, yelling, etc.. MC did stress that intimacy was needed in relationship and if things don't change divorce would likely happen.

How long ago was your affair? Before or after he stopped having sex with you? Before or after you and husband went to MC?------ It's going on 6 years since the affair.. It was after everything stopped with spouse and before we saw MC.... The affair was not about sex it was being with a kind person who liked me for me and our conversations were the best!! That's what I needed. Yes good sex comes with great chemistry-- kissing and all that jives together.
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post #49 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 04:00 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

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Crying here and there because I knew this was the beginning of the end. One night I couldn't take it so I was crying a bit and told him we needed to separate.
THIS can't work unless you ARE serious.

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Originally Posted by cc48kel View Post
(he) FINALLY realized I was serious.

The promising part? He came to these conclusions on his own and didn't make some big announcement that he was going to be a better man. He just started being one. I don't know how you two keep it up. One slip-up on his part will send you WAY back. But it's a good start.
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post #50 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 04:27 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

It sounds like there are a number of issues that need to be considered.

Your husband is an anxious man - I personally have seen how debilitating anxiety can be in general but especially in combination with other problems. In his mind he probably is trying to provide for a family while remaining in control of everything and not being exposed for any weaknesses ("stigma of taking medications").

Add to this erectile dysfunction and you have got a recipe for disaster - he probably sees sex as his biggest weakness exposure hence the appearance of not caring and no sex for 5 years. Deep down I would bet that he cares very much - just doesn't show it.

He (in your words) is otherwise a very good father and person. He is crippled by his anxiety shame and desperately needs help but will not get it for those very reasons. That is your challenge.


Now you say the affair isn't the issue here - I beg to differ. It is a very important issue here because it defines you! While your husband is anxious and withdrawn, you on the other hand are a liar and a cheat! Probably one of the worst types of people your husband should be with. You certainly have done a good job of justifying your affair and blaming everything on your husband. I understand that you are suffering from loneliness and no sex but then you should have divorced him. You didn't because of $$$ etc not because of the "in sickness and in health" part of your vows. So both of you need serious help. Him with his anxiety and you with your very serious character flaws.

I would divorce him and be fair in the $$$ split so that you can go on to be happy and so can he! The threat of divorce may force him into action to get help but even then, I suggest going through with the divorce. You two are very mismatched. You married him for stability even though you were concerned early on that he couldn't keep it hard.

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No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
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post #51 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 05:55 AM
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Don't know if I should...

e.

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post #52 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 07:25 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

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Like so many here you characterize cheating as the worst possible offense. It's not.

OP, you live with an abusive man. The yelling, the anger, the control. Know that he chooses to be this way. Again, he chooses to be this way. He doesn't give a **** about the impact on you otherwise he would fix it.

I am an anxious person. I take zoloft. I see no stigma whatsoever. A strong confident man considers all fixes.

Same about his ED. He chooses not to address it. He is selfish.

I don't buy the anxiety or depression excuse. My wife and i both take meds. When a person wants to fix the problem, they do.

Your cheating was situational and a reaction him. Yes you chose your actions, but so did he.

There are consequences to all actions.

Commenting again about the post above, it's not that you are the worse type of person for him to be with. Just the opposite. He targeted and chose you because you put up with his ****. Other women wouldn't have married him or would have left him.

You endured and put up with it. No more.

You are delusional if you take cheating lightly - and for starters you really have come to the wrong forum for that.

Whoopi doo - you are a "strong man" because Zooloft does it for you etc. Good for you. I don't think your anxiety can be compared to what he is going through. You cannot know what he is going through.

He certainly does not sound like an abusive man - he is a man who is not well and needs help. OP on the other hand has abused him in the worst possible way - she fvcked another man and didn't have the courage, decency or even moral fibre to tell him about it. Because there was a lot of "$$$" involved. She admitted that she married him because he seemed to be stable in the earnings department even though he couldn't get it up a couple of times. Then when he became withdrawn, she decided that she wanted to "see if it was her problem" so she went and road tested another man. Turns out it wasn't her. Really ?!?!?!

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
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post #53 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 07:38 AM
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Don't know if I should...

t.

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post #54 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 11:32 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

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Thanks for your comments but my post was directed towards helping the OP, so personal attacks are unwarranted.

One position OP's husband can take is that taking meds is a sign of strength not weakness. No need to ridicule that position. I have used that argument to help other men get past the "stigma" so it works.

Calling the OP a liar and a cheat isn't really helpful. This is a help forum, not just an opinion forum.

I used to feel the same way he does about taking meds. I have dealt with anxiety, ED issues, sexless marriage, near terminal illness of wife and ongoing medical issues , alcoholism in family, wife being raped, etc

So your comment that I don't know what he is going through is incorrect.
This was not a personal attack. And I never said taking meds is a sign of weakness and did not ridicule that position. I said that her husband perceives it to be which is part of the problem. Still maintain that you cannot really know what he is going through - because he is not here to tell you and you are not him.

Finally ensuring that the OP sees herself as she is rather than how she would like to be seen is probably one of the most helpful things one can do for her. She needs to understand what she has done and how "unhelpful" it is. Or lets just call it tough love.

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
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post #55 of 55 (permalink) Old 05-16-2017, 07:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't know if I should...

I appreciate all the comments. No need to be mean to me or to others-- a liar and a cheat are very harsh!! Our situation is odd and I realize I will have to gather the courage to file. Even if he was willing to take something for his anxiety--who knows if it would take all the resentment away. We have a huge mountain to climb and he doesn't realize climbing boots are needed. I think he is comfortable coasting along. But why?? Easier than to admit faults...

I dated a bit before him... We dated each other for 2 years BEFORE marriage-- communication and sex seemed to be good.. We did take a few trips which he acted weird but I ignored it.. Now I know it might've been anxiety. We married, bought a house and started having kids.. That's when problems with sex happened NOT when we were dating!

I appreciate all the suggestions/advice/comments. I do read them and scan the forum to read other topics. I know I'm not the only one with a screwed up marriage. Divorce is hard and some have a tough time with it.. I might be one of those people. My parents raised me to be independent and sent me to college. But for some reason I'm a little nervous to be totally on my own.

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