Don't know if I should... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:25 PM Thread Starter
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Don't know if I should...

Hi,

Just found this site and it's been helpful to read thru posts knowing I might have similar situations.

Been married for 20 years and kids are in HS now. Things haven't been right in our marriage so I suggested marriage counseling. We haven't had sex in about 5 years which I'm OK with it's just how he treats me that sucks.. Nice guy who works hard but can be an ass to me often. We have grown apart and basically just roomies for kids. He doesn't like counseling but I managed to get him there 4 times in a year!! I still go for myself.. But during counseling we discovered he has anxiety so it explains the yelling, anger, no communication, always in a rush, can't relax, a constant worrier, obsessed about money, etc.... He tried low dose medication for sleeping as well as during the day and it was magical. He was pleasant, we had engaging conversations, he would take his time eating and talking with the kids, there was laughter, he was more open to talk walks/movies/dinners.. Marriage was just easy.. BUT then he chose to not take it anymore so he's back to not sleeping and just crabby all the time-complaining..... I'm tired of being lonely in my marriage and he is so hard to live with. I've sent him many emails and articles to read and he just doesn't get it.. I think I'm ready to be on my own but a little nervous.. 20 years with someone is a long time but I'm exhausted living on eggshells. He does well at his job so he says I should just overlook how he is.. Is this true? Shouldn't a marriage be more than how well he does at work? I work part-time so a little worried about health insurance. I did visit a lawyer and she did tell me I would be 'ok' financially but how do I really know that. I haven't been on my own in so long and he is a control freak with the bills so I know nothing... except to pay on time of course..

When he didn't want sex with me I stepped out on our marriage and had an affair.. Just wanted to see if it was me.. I know for a fact he hasn't cheated because he is either at work, home or kids sporting events. His phone is on the counter and never locked... So I just assumed he is one of those people who doesn't like sex or maybe due to anxiety. He's just not affectionate at all but I am with the kids.. Yes life is short and I should move on but will I regret it??

He knows I visited 2 attorneys but it really hasn't bothered him unless he's playing it cool and pretending he doesn't care which he does do.

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post #2 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:29 PM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

What was your husband's response to your affair?
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post #3 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:42 PM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

Does he know about the affair?
Why did he stop the medication?
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post #4 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Don't know if I should...

He never knew.... Doesn't pay attention to any of the signs... I did tell the therapist in private. I don't see him anymore but think about him often.

I think he stopped for the stigma.. The first medication he complained about headaches so Dr changed it... Then he was fine.. great.. Like I said just magical--- marriage was laid back and easy... It was a low dose just so he could relax some. He doesn't drink at all, exercises some.. refuses to do yoga or meditate as suggested so meds are the only way he can relax. Sometimes I feel I should just 'deal' with it and continue on but just not sure.

Last edited by cc48kel; 04-04-2017 at 09:51 PM.
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post #5 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:43 PM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

Leave him
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post #6 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:44 PM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

It sounds like you don't have much of a marriage anymore. I can understand you wanting to leave.

If you were to move on, about how much a year would you make? Or do you need to get some training/education to earn enough to support yourself and your children?

Do you have access to all the financial information, like your bills? Maybe you could make a list of your bills and their amount. That way you would start to get an idea of what you will needs to earn.

Depending on your state, you might be able to get some alimony to help you until you can get a full time job and/or get more job training/education.

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post #7 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:48 PM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

Why don't you do the honorable thing and divorce him since you have already did the dishonorable thing and cheated on him. You should have just divorced him in the first place.
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post #8 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:48 PM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cc48kel View Post
He never knew.... Doesn't pay attention to any of the signs... I did tell the therapist.
Maybe he just trusts his wife.
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post #9 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:50 PM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cc48kel View Post
Hi,

Just found this site and it's been helpful to read thru posts knowing I might have similar situations.

Been married for 20 years and kids are in HS now. Things haven't been right in our marriage so I suggested marriage counseling. We haven't had sex in about 5 years which I'm OK with it's just how he treats me that sucks.. Nice guy who works hard but can be an ass to me often. We have grown apart and basically just roomies for kids. He doesn't like counseling but I managed to get him there 4 times in a year!! I still go for myself.. But during counseling we discovered he has anxiety so it explains the yelling, anger, no communication, always in a rush, can't relax, a constant worrier, obsessed about money, etc.... He tried low dose medication for sleeping as well as during the day and it was magical. He was pleasant, we had engaging conversations, he would take his time eating and talking with the kids, there was laughter, he was more open to talk walks/movies/dinners.. Marriage was just easy.. BUT then he chose to not take it anymore so he's back to not sleeping and just crabby all the time-complaining..... I'm tired of being lonely in my marriage and he is so hard to live with. I've sent him many emails and articles to read and he just doesn't get it.. I think I'm ready to be on my own but a little nervous.. 20 years with someone is a long time but I'm exhausted living on eggshells. He does well at his job so he says I should just overlook how he is.. Is this true? Shouldn't a marriage be more than how well he does at work? I work part-time so a little worried about health insurance. I did visit a lawyer and she did tell me I would be 'ok' financially but how do I really know that. I haven't been on my own in so long and he is a control freak with the bills so I know nothing... except to pay on time of course..

When he didn't want sex with me I stepped out on our marriage and had an affair.. Just wanted to see if it was me.. I know for a fact he hasn't cheated because he is either at work, home or kids sporting events. His phone is on the counter and never locked... So I just assumed he is one of those people who doesn't like sex or maybe due to anxiety. He's just not affectionate at all but I am with the kids.. Yes life is short and I should move on but will I regret it??

He knows I visited 2 attorneys but it really hasn't bothered him unless he's playing it cool and pretending he doesn't care which he does do.
Hi @cc48kel

Thanks for your message.

I completely understand how you must be feeling and there is no doubt that his behaviour is exacerbating your feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Hence, I can completely understand how you would have been led to having an affair.

Now, very rarely do these sorts of experiences where couples become 'roomies' just happen out of the blue. They are a build up of problems until there is a moment (such as divorce etc) where it all comes to a head. So i'm curious, was there ever a time where you did have true love and passion in your marriage? What were the things that you did regularly during that time? When did it all change?

When it comes to men, a lot of them tend to shut down whenever there are problems. When I say shut down, I mean not wanting to talk about their problems and get to the root of it. Hence, they are always in survival mode which is why there is the constant yelling, obsessing over money etc. He's addressing things at the surface level and unfortunately that will never bring about true healing.

You are well within your right to feel exhausted and considering divorce. My question though is - have you attempted to meet his needs in a way that he needs it? Not how you think he needs it, but how he actually needs it? This is often the biggest problem in relationships and sadly, lots of couples tend to end things prematurely.
If you can honestly say that you have, then leaving might be the best option for you because there is nothing positive with having a dead marriage. I know lots of people tend to stick around for the sake of kids, but sadly they forget that the child's role model of love is a poor one and that is actually doing them harm in the long run.

I hope all that makes sense.

Let me know your answers to the questions above and I will expand further for you.

Thanks
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post #10 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 10:09 PM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

I am not sure how you can hide such an important thing as an affair. I think you need to be honest and tell him. Its vital not to have suc secrets in marriage. Yes he may end the marriage, he has every right to, it sounds as if that is what you want anyway.
Have you said that he can save the marriage is he goes back onto the medication?


Last edited by Diana7; 04-04-2017 at 10:15 PM.
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post #11 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 10:52 PM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

We are only hearing one side.
What I hear is he stopped sex, you cheated.
Now you feel you don't love him.
That's what usually happens when a woman cheats--- they fall completely out of love with their husband.

I don't know what tif say, other than once you cheated, he had no chance anymore. The only thing you can likely do is divorce and let him deal with rebuilding his whole life. I suspect it will break him.

You may not think he knows--- he may. Things like this have a way of floating to the top.

It's simple. If you love him, give him a chance. If you don't, leave him.

That's the only chance he has if finding love again.
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post #12 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 11:13 PM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

You don't have a marriage. It's a sham. End it already. Yes, life is short. You should be enjoying life with someone that loves you and desires you.

Posting here is a good first step. It's what I did 14 months ago. I seperated a few weeks after my first post and haven't looked back. Life is great now that I'm divorced. I'm engaged already and enjoying life to the fullest.
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post #13 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 04:23 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

How long did your affair last?
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post #14 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 05:27 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

I think my ex wife would have described me the same way as you describe your husband OP.

Take an honest look at why your husband is hurried, worried and pissed off all the time. Is he like that in every aspect of his life or just around you? Do you two frequently argue over who does what and how it should be done? Does he handle the bills because you don't handle money responsibly? Why only work part time if your kids are in high school? My ex always told me I was the problem and had problems, once even convinced me I needed to be on medication. I tried it and hated it, sure I was more relaxed but was also unproductive (which was fine with her) . As for sex it's hard to feel passion for someone when your pissed and resentful toward them, been there done that (but for 5 years? Yikes!)

My point being maybe it's not so much your husband or you as individuals, it's being together that makes him angry and you hurt and lonely because you two just don't mesh as a couple. It sounds like you both would be happier without the other. I had forgotten what it was like to be relaxed and happy.....until I got divorced.
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post #15 of 55 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:05 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cc48kel View Post
When he didn't want sex with me I stepped out on our marriage and had an affair.. Just wanted to see if it was me..
You state this so casually and excuse it as if it was no more than a night out with the girls going to a movie or something.

"He wouldn't screw me so I had an affair as a learning experience"

Yeah ok. I don't know all that much about you but I can see why your husband isn't interested in being intimate with you.
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