Just found this site and it's been helpful to read thru posts knowing I might have similar situations.
Been married for 20 years and kids are in HS now. Things haven't been right in our marriage so I suggested marriage counseling. We haven't had sex in about 5 years which I'm OK with it's just how he treats me that sucks.. Nice guy who works hard but can be an ass to me often. We have grown apart and basically just roomies for kids. He doesn't like counseling but I managed to get him there 4 times in a year!! I still go for myself.. But during counseling we discovered he has anxiety so it explains the yelling, anger, no communication, always in a rush, can't relax, a constant worrier, obsessed about money, etc.... He tried low dose medication for sleeping as well as during the day and it was magical. He was pleasant, we had engaging conversations, he would take his time eating and talking with the kids, there was laughter, he was more open to talk walks/movies/dinners.. Marriage was just easy.. BUT then he chose to not take it anymore so he's back to not sleeping and just crabby all the time-complaining..... I'm tired of being lonely in my marriage and he is so hard to live with. I've sent him many emails and articles to read and he just doesn't get it.. I think I'm ready to be on my own but a little nervous.. 20 years with someone is a long time but I'm exhausted living on eggshells. He does well at his job so he says I should just overlook how he is.. Is this true? Shouldn't a marriage be more than how well he does at work? I work part-time so a little worried about health insurance. I did visit a lawyer and she did tell me I would be 'ok' financially but how do I really know that. I haven't been on my own in so long and he is a control freak with the bills so I know nothing... except to pay on time of course..
When he didn't want sex with me I stepped out on our marriage and had an affair.. Just wanted to see if it was me.. I know for a fact he hasn't cheated because he is either at work, home or kids sporting events. His phone is on the counter and never locked... So I just assumed he is one of those people who doesn't like sex or maybe due to anxiety. He's just not affectionate at all but I am with the kids.. Yes life is short and I should move on but will I regret it??
He knows I visited 2 attorneys but it really hasn't bothered him unless he's playing it cool and pretending he doesn't care which he does do.
Thanks for your message.
I completely understand how you must be feeling and there is no doubt that his behaviour is exacerbating your feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Hence, I can completely understand how you would have been led to having an affair.
Now, very rarely do these sorts of experiences where couples become 'roomies' just happen out of the blue. They are a build up of problems until there is a moment (such as divorce etc) where it all comes to a head. So i'm curious, was there ever a time where you did have true love and passion in your marriage? What were the things that you did regularly during that time? When did it all change?
When it comes to men, a lot of them tend to shut down whenever there are problems. When I say shut down, I mean not wanting to talk about their problems and get to the root of it. Hence, they are always in survival mode which is why there is the constant yelling, obsessing over money etc. He's addressing things at the surface level and unfortunately that will never bring about true healing.
You are well within your right to feel exhausted and considering divorce. My question though is - have you attempted to meet his needs in a way that he needs it? Not how you think he needs it, but how he actually needs it? This is often the biggest problem in relationships and sadly, lots of couples tend to end things prematurely.
If you can honestly say that you have, then leaving might be the best option for you because there is nothing positive with having a dead marriage. I know lots of people tend to stick around for the sake of kids, but sadly they forget that the child's role model of love is a poor one and that is actually doing them harm in the long run.
I hope all that makes sense.
Let me know your answers to the questions above and I will expand further for you.