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post #16 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:15 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

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We both talked about our issues we had boundaries in the sessions. One of his comments was "he is dealing with the cards he has been dealt with" that cut deep. His issues where from what the counsellor and I can gather that I had another life that he chose not be a party too. He was jealous and wanted me to stop. I saw the main issue was that he was snoring and wouldn't go to the doctors to try and sort it out. I stopped finding him attractive and I bucked up the courage to say that and he said "he was emotionally and physically happy with who he was it was me that had the problem" which was a sure sign of his depression. He tried to deflect all his bad feelings back on to me so I thought it was all my fault he made me feel like I was thick, pathetic even friends said that he put me down when they came for meals at ours so I stopped inviting them around as I was embarrassed
As I said earlier, a couple needs to spend about 15 hours a week in quality time. After that, it is healthy for each spouse to have interests of their own. You did no say how much time you spend on your running on the weekends. But it sounds like it is not excessive. He is wrong trying to get you to give up something that helps you be healthier and happier. He is just flat out wrong.

So he is happy with who he is.
You are happy with who you are.

It sounds like divorce is the solution.

Have you looked into the divorce laws in your state? Have you talked to a lawyer?

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post #17 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:19 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

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That is most definitely what has happened here but other things like nothing in common anymore, I don't find him attractive and can't ever see me being intimate with him again. The only reason to stay would be as my friend and father to my kid but that will leave a big emotional hole
Those things might not be addressed in that article, but they are part of the "Walk Away Wife Syndrome"

IF the two of you could work through it per those books, you could get all those feelings back.

But I see two problems to doing that.

1) clearly he has not been willing to do the work and probably will not be willing until you are out the door. He will probably then see the light and it will be too late.

2) You are at the point of just about no return.... or maybe it's completely no return.
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post #18 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is this normal?

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As I said earlier, a couple needs to spend about 15 hours a week in quality time. After that, it is healthy for each spouse to have interests of their own. You did no say how much time you spend on your running on the weekends. But it sounds like it is not excessive. He is wrong trying to get you to give up something that helps you be healthier and happier. He is just flat out wrong.



So he is happy with who he is.

You are happy with who you are.



It sounds like divorce is the solution.



Have you looked into the divorce laws in your state? Have you talked to a lawyer?


I don't want to hurt him so I have been slowly slowly allowing him to get his head around it all. Even though it is hard being under the same roof. I am slowly getting the house in order for a valuation he has muted that he wants to keep the house but I still don't think he realises it is happening. I've told him how much the bills are and gave him a potential plan of how the kids could work as he works a shift pattern I have tried to be as realistic as possible. He acknowledged he had seen it but hasn't commented on the thoughts and is making it hard for me to approach this. It's going to be a rocky road. I am scared of losing my friend but in reality I already have. We spend the evenings on separate rooms as we can't talk to each other it's fractured. He said to our daughter who is 12 the other day that "mum brings out the worst in people" she told me and I had to defend him saying he was tired. It's time to push further forward now I just feel sorry for him and guilty


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post #19 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:37 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

I'm not sure that dragging things out is all that less hurtful to him, it might be more hurtful.

Depending on the state you live in and your income levels, you could end up paying him alimony and child support.
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post #20 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is this normal?

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What percentage of your joint income does he earn?



How many hours a week does he work?



The book "His Needs, Her Needs" explains to men that they need to do a fair share of the housework, child care, etc. Since you both work, he should be doing about 50% of it all (this includes yard care if you have one).



It is completely disrespectful of him to dump all that on you.


He earns 1/2 of what I do. He definitely doesn't do his fair share around the home. But when he does have a spurt of wanting to tidy up he makes me feel like I've failed at keeping on top of it. Writing all this down and talking to you about it is making me understand that maybe I am making the right decision and even though it will be painful in the interim it may be the best long term


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post #21 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is this normal?

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Those things might not be addressed in that article, but they are part of the "Walk Away Wife Syndrome"



IF the two of you could work through it per those books, you could get all those feelings back.



But I see two problems to doing that.



1) clearly he has not been willing to do the work and probably will not be willing until you are out the door. He will probably then see the light and it will be too late.



2) You are at the point of just about no return.... or maybe it's completely no return.


I talk and think and write a diary and I have toyed with ending my marriage in a serious way for 3 years but stayed as my little boy was only 5 years old. He is a good dad. A good man. But a terrible husband in giving love and affection to me. I sound selfish but all I wanted was someone to share my interests and put an arm around me and love me. He likes golf I bought some clubs and tried so that we could enjoy something. He mainly does that while I am at work as he does shift work, so that didn't continue. I have an outgoing attitude now I want to be outside I want my kids to have an active life it's so sad and I cannot believe it has come to this.


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post #22 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:53 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

The two of you got together at a very young age. Our brains do not even fully mature until about 26. This happens very often with people who marry (or get together) at a very young age. Most people change dramatically at about age 26.

In the old world society people, especially women, married at a very young age. But the society put a lot of pressure on people to stay together. People had few choices.

Today society does not put pressure on people to stay together regardless of how awful a marriage might be. We believe that individual is more important. In some ways I agree with that. A person has to first be content within themselves. Marriage should augment that, not pull a person down.

You both changed. Neither of you is willing to make the changes needed to make it work. Sometimes the changes needed to make it work actually hurt the individual. For example he says that you need to quit the running. If you quit that, it will cause you harm. And honestly I don't think it will fix a thing... if anything it will just make you more miserable.

You two of have grown up and changed. Your children will do better if you are happier in your life. Watching a sham marriage will just teach them that this is all they can expect in life.
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post #23 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 03:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is this normal?

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The two of you got together at a very young age. Our brains do not even fully mature until about 26. This happens very often with people who marry (or get together) at a very young age. Most people change dramatically at about age 26.



In the old world society people, especially women, married at a very young age. But the society put a lot of pressure on people to stay together. People had few choices.



Today society does not put pressure on people to stay together regardless of how awful a marriage might be. We believe that individual is more important. In some ways I agree with that. A person has to first be content within themselves. Marriage should augment that, not pull a person down.



You both changed. Neither of you is willing to make the changes needed to make it work. Sometimes the changes needed to make it work actually hurt the individual. For example he says that you need to quit the running. If you quit that, it will cause you harm. And honestly I don't think it will fix a thing... if anything it will just make you more miserable.



You two of have grown up and changed. Your children will do better if you are happier in your life. Watching a sham marriage will just teach them that this is all they can expect in life.


Thank you. Thanks so much for talking this through with me. It has been a great help when I was feeling really down and negative about my decision. I know it's right I just keep having wobbles after 22 years - I've never even finished with a boyfriend never mind leave my husband. I have to do this for me and the kids. Thank you again x


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post #24 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 03:31 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

It's hard. I know it is. Been there, done that.

But in the end, I am so glad that I did. My son is much better off for it too.
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post #25 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 04:34 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

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Sorry for the long post


Hi I am new to these boards but totally lost. I have been married for 22 years. I was 18 when we met. I loved my husband then boyfriend with all my heart he was my everything. I did everything with him he was my lover and best friend. I lost touch with most of my girlfriends. 9 years later We eventually got our first house, got engaged got married and I qualified as an accountant and then fell pregnant.
I got post natal depression but he didn't understand. That's when things started to crack. He started being uncaring, turning the Other way if I was upset. had no one to help me or show some love and understanding he made me feel like I was mental why couldn't I just crack on...I went to counselling but still struggled with my weight and body image (I had put 6 stone on)
Over the next 4 years I felt low and couldn't fully shake off the sadness but was doing ok at work being promoted. His sex drive dipped and he started to pile on the weight.
I fell pregnant 4 years later with my second child, again bam post natal depression and I developed an eating disorder to lose my weight. My first child went to school and I met some more mums who got me into running to help with my low mood it worked! I felt lighter in my moods, but my husband resented me for it, wouldn't watch me race didn't like me having friends; would put me down in a manipulative way. They made comments, my daughter made a comment that mummy doesn't eat with us anymore so I booked myself in with a psychologist to sort myself out and after many long sessions I felt like me again. She told me to keep running it was good for me but the more I ran the more my husband didn't support, I wanted him to become part of my "running family" but he wasn't interested so I stopped asking him.

Are you training/competing with males or are you in a female-only group? There is a thread here about a wife who was running with men and it hurt her marriage. If this has anything to do with your husband's reasons for being jealous, he might have a valid point- though obviously the way he's communicating that is not good for your marriage. Another issue I see is that he doesn't agree with your time away from the family. This too is valid- couples should agree how they spend their time, otherwise you're guilty of independent behavior- doing something you know bothers your spouse. This breeds great resentment. It doesn't mean you can't exercise, but you two should be meeting each other's emotional needs in marriage, spending at least 15 hours a week on recreational companionship, sex, conversation, and affection. Without this time, you risk falling out of love (as you can see). This is the premise of licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Harley's work and plan to restore love in marriages.

Then he started putting more weight on, snoring I couldn't sleep I moved myself into the spare bedroom on a blow up bed. I asked for relate I asked for him to see the doctor as he was depressed this was 3 years ago and he refused. We grew apart. The comments saying I saw my children as a burden I trained too much. It broke my heart. I said if we didn't sort this out our marriage was in trouble.
He is not showing care for you when he won't get his snoring issue medically addressed so you can get the rest you need. This is a problem.

Sure enough 3 years on after 6 years of being unhappy I have a 12 year old and a 8 year old and I've said our marriage is over. I love him like a brother not a husband. He finally agreed to relate which we did but it didn't work; the counsellor acknowledged his complete lack of empathy.
He has buried his head again and is refusing to look at his finances. I feel sorry for him I keep wobbling between my decision as I do love Him I have been with him more than half my life but it's in the wrong way. I worry about the kids and how they will cope, but this is pulling me down.
Any advice would be helpful. Feel rubbish that i am a Horrible person

You're not a horrible person. You're not in love with your husband, but that can be fixed, if you're both willing. Because you have children, I'd suggest giving it one last shot, but not with your current MC, who has shown she can't help restore love in your marriage. I'd go to your husband and tell him that you want to work to have a happy marriage with him, and ask him if he'd be willing to try marital coaching with Marriage Builders. It's an online program that will give you both a plan to fall back in love. I see both of you making (common) mistakes in your marriage that need to be addressed.


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post #26 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 04:45 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

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Could you please explain what this means? I have never seen the word "relate" used like this and am not clear what you mean. I can guess. But I'd rather have you clarify.

You are not a horrible person. The two of you have a pretty common problem in that you have grown apart. It is possible to fix this, but it would take both of you working on it to fix it.

How many hours a week to you spend on your running?

How man hours a week do you and your husband spend in quality time together, just the two of you with no children or friends or family around?
Relate is the government run marriage counselling group in the U.K.
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post #27 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 04:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is this normal?



Thanks jessica38 he has admitted he is depressed and admits that he has been for a number of years. I asked him to go to the doctors and try anything and he won't have medication or speak to a counsellor so basically he won't help himself. He blames me for his depression. I run with mainly women. In the outset I wanted him to come with me - not necessarily to run, but to meet the other partners to socialise with them so our kids could play too but he didn't want to as running is boring, they don't all talk running it's fun with nice people but as he refused that then became my happy place with like minded people and he fell further away. I encouraged Over the years for him to play golf more with his friends but he won't. While I had post natal depression one of the main issues was that I had to do everything for the kids I wouldn't even like him putting them to bed which of course isn't right: it took my psychologist a long time to break through this thought process which now is balanced between making my self well by running and by spending time With the family, with my stressful job and body image problems that still lurk around in the background running helps. His reactions to me being upset in the counselling sessions were blank, no empathy at all; his thought process is that he is right and I am well the way he makes me feel is still unwell in my head which isn't the case.


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post #28 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:06 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

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Thanks jessica38 he has admitted he is depressed and admits that he has been for a number of years. I asked him to go to the doctors and try anything and he won't have medication or speak to a counsellor so basically he won't help himself. He blames me for his depression. I run with mainly women. In the outset I wanted him to come with me - not necessarily to run, but to meet the other partners to socialise with them so our kids could play too but he didn't want to as running is boring, they don't all talk running it's fun with nice people but as he refused that then became my happy place with like minded people and he fell further away. I encouraged Over the years for him to play golf more with his friends but he won't. While I had post natal depression one of the main issues was that I had to do everything for the kids I wouldn't even like him putting them to bed which of course isn't right: it took my psychologist a long time to break through this thought process which now is balanced between making my self well by running and by spending time With the family, with my stressful job and body image problems that still lurk around in the background running helps. His reactions to me being upset in the counselling sessions were blank, no empathy at all; his thought process is that he is right and I am well the way he makes me feel is still unwell in my head which isn't the case.


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Yes, his ongoing depression is likely the reason why he he lacks empathy for you. I'm sorry, with 2 children, that must be VERY difficult, to say the least.

The problem with continuing to run without him after you've invited him to join, is that he still doesn't agree to it, and you're still doing it anyway. If he doesn't like running (totally valid), then the options to brainstorm with him become: doing an activity you BOTH enjoy together, or you doing the activity on your own AFTER you've scheduled time to meet the need for emotional connection with him (15 hours a week to maintain romantic love). The two of you could walk together instead a few times a week while you run the other days (this would also help his health). Or spend some of that time practicing yoga to help you stretch on your off days, and give your husband some relief for his depression/weight. There are many other possibilities, I'm just suggesting a few to show that you are both engaging in behaviors that are not best for the relationship. You've both neglected to put the marriage first. That means you can both start making changes to fix this and it very likely will repair the marriage. But you both have to be on board. You both need to start putting the marriage first and showing each other extraordinary care.
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post #29 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:15 PM Thread Starter
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Is this normal?

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Yes, his ongoing depression is likely the reason why he he lacks empathy for you. I'm sorry, with 2 children, that must be VERY difficult, to say the least.

The problem with continuing to run without him after you've invited him to join, is that he still doesn't agree to it, and you're still doing it anyway. If he doesn't like running (totally valid), then the options to brainstorm with him become: doing an activity you BOTH enjoy together, or you doing the activity on your own AFTER you've scheduled time to meet the need for emotional connection with him (15 hours a week to maintain romantic love). The two of you could walk together instead a few times a week while you run the other days (this would also help his health). Or spend some of that time practicing yoga to help you stretch on your off days, and give your husband some relief for his depression/weight. There are many other possibilities, I'm just suggesting a few to show that you are both engaging in behaviors that are not best for the relationship. You've both neglected to put the marriage first. That means you can both start making changes to fix this and it very likely will repair the marriage. But you both have to be on board. You both need to start putting the marriage first and showing each other extraordinary care.


I think it all boils down to him not liking what I have achieved. When we met I was quiet just started studying to become an accountant and now I have a very good job I am more confident more friends I lost 6 stone after having my kids and he is still doing what he was doing when we met.

I understand the need to spend time together and I have tried. But he falls asleep or he games. He blames his work for the sleep but he does this just after he has woken up.

When we did spend time at night we would have awkward silence. So I would busy myself with washing or just go to bed to avoid it.

I tried many times to get him to talk, but he would just carry on watching tv or say "what are YOU on about now?" Like I was moaning again when all I wanted was to try and talk about making things better but he would just hit me with - stop running and stop going the gym before work, which I did for a short time but in the mornings he would then get up and fall asleep or get up and watch tv while I ran around doing everything for he kids breakfasts, which then made me think that was the reason he wanted me there.

I don't run much and when I do it's to alleviate the stress from work. It's a balancing act but when he isn't willing to take on board some of the things that he has said and done then I am not sure we can move forward, I am not without my faults I get grumpy through frustration and can snap I know I can. But I feel 100% rejected by him


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post #30 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:52 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

You have totally fallen out of love with him. Nothing he can do will fix that. You've said it's hard to be under the same roof with him.
If he is a good man like you say, this could be fixed if you both wanted that. You dont.

Only one thing to do. Sadly
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