Is this normal? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:05 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

Summer41, you shouldn't feel guily for not being able to make him get better. But that's what we do; we second guess ourselves and spin 'what ifs' around over and over. Just remember that one ' what if ' is that you leaving will change the dynamic which could be what he needs.


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post #32 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:25 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

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I think it all boils down to him not liking what I have achieved. When we met I was quiet just started studying to become an accountant and now I have a very good job I am more confident more friends I lost 6 stone after having my kids and he is still doing what he was doing when we met.

Do you know that for sure? Has he told you exactly what bothers him about your running? Has he told you that he doesn't like your career success? If so, it sounds like a strong case of you moving forward in life and him simply not.

I understand the need to spend time together and I have tried. But he falls asleep or he games. He blames his work for the sleep but he does this just after he has woken up.

He's not able to meet the important needs in marriage then: conversation, recreational companionship, affection, and sex.
When we did spend time at night we would have awkward silence. So I would busy myself with washing or just go to bed to avoid it.

You're used to meeting your own needs so you resort to independent behavior instead of communicating with him that you're not having fun together. He needs that feedback so he can make it better...if he's willing to work on the relationship.I'm not blaming you for your way of coping- just noting that the two of you have become roommates.

I tried many times to get him to talk, but he would just carry on watching tv or say "what are YOU on about now?" Like I was moaning again when all I wanted was to try and talk about making things better but he would just hit me with - stop running and stop going the gym before work, which I did for a short time but in the mornings he would then get up and fall asleep or get up and watch tv while I ran around doing everything for he kids breakfasts, which then made me think that was the reason he wanted me there.

Does he engage with the kids?

I don't run much and when I do it's to alleviate the stress from work. It's a balancing act but when he isn't willing to take on board some of the things that he has said and done then I am not sure we can move forward, I am not without my faults I get grumpy through frustration and can snap I know I can. But I feel 100% rejected by him

I understand, and I completely see how running is the ONE thing you do for yourself to feel good. I'm not blaming you, but you are in the habit of turning away from your husband to feel good instead of turning toward him and working together to get your needs met. It could be that he simply isn't willing or able to meet your needs, in which case, you should separate from him.

Before that though, I think you need to make sure that you give him an opportunity to work on your marriage. Tell him exactly what you need, using the plan in His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters. I think you should contact Marriage Builders- Dr. Harley will talk to you for free and give you his expert advice. Your husband sounds neglectful in this marriage and you've been coping by no longer expecting him to meet any of your needs. Do you want to save your marriage or are you done? If you go with the Marriage Builders plan, they will likely tell you to let your husband know how unhappy you are and that you need him to work with you to fix the marriage. If he refuses, you'll be advised to separate, letting him know that you will consider reconciling with him if he is able to show you that he will meet your needs and care for you the way you deserve in marriage.You'll be advised to separate for a year so he can use that time to prove to you that he can be a husband to you. I really think that's what you're dealing with here- a neglectful husband, and if you don't address it now, another 10 years will go by and you'll likely grow to hate him. And your children are getting this example of an unhealthy marriage. Again, I'm sorry. Neglect in marriage is one of the most hurtful things for many women.


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post #33 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 12:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is this normal?



Thank you. I will try and talk to him again tonight. I think maybe I've gone too far and that I cannot see way of reconciling. I will let you know how it went. Thank you all for your advice I really appreciate it


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post #34 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 02:10 AM
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Re: Is this normal?

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Sorry for the long post


Hi I am new to these boards but totally lost. I have been married for 22 years. I was 18 when we met. I loved my husband then boyfriend with all my heart he was my everything. I did everything with him he was my lover and best friend. I lost touch with most of my girlfriends. 9 years later We eventually got our first house, got engaged got married and I qualified as an accountant and then fell pregnant.
I got post natal depression but he didn't understand. That's when things started to crack. He started being uncaring, turning the Other way if I was upset. had no one to help me or show some love and understanding he made me feel like I was mental why couldn't I just crack on...I went to counselling but still struggled with my weight and body image (I had put 6 stone on)
Over the next 4 years I felt low and couldn't fully shake off the sadness but was doing ok at work being promoted. His sex drive dipped and he started to pile on the weight.
I fell pregnant 4 years later with my second child, again bam post natal depression and I developed an eating disorder to lose my weight. My first child went to school and I met some more mums who got me into running to help with my low mood it worked! I felt lighter in my moods, but my husband resented me for it, wouldn't watch me race didn't like me having friends; would put me down in a manipulative way. They made comments, my daughter made a comment that mummy doesn't eat with us anymore so I booked myself in with a psychologist to sort myself out and after many long sessions I felt like me again. She told me to keep running it was good for me but the more I ran the more my husband didn't support, I wanted him to become part of my "running family" but he wasn't interested so I stopped asking him.
Then he started putting more weight on, snoring I couldn't sleep I moved myself into the spare bedroom on a blow up bed. I asked for relate I asked for him to see the doctor as he was depressed this was 3 years ago and he refused. We grew apart. The comments saying I saw my children as a burden I trained too much. It broke my heart. I said if we didn't sort this out our marriage was in trouble.
Sure enough 3 years on after 6 years of being unhappy I have a 12 year old and a 8 year old and I've said our marriage is over. I love him like a brother not a husband. He finally agreed to relate which we did but it didn't work; the counsellor acknowledged his complete lack of empathy.
He has buried his head again and is refusing to look at his finances. I feel sorry for him I keep wobbling between my decision as I do love Him I have been with him more than half my life but it's in the wrong way. I worry about the kids and how they will cope, but this is pulling me down.
Any advice would be helpful. Feel rubbish that i am a Horrible person


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You were a great girlfriend a loyal and good wife and a wonderful mother who coped with problems that would have broken lesser people.

Unfortunately your husband was not worthy of the love you gave him.

You and your children deserve so much more.

We will be here for you. If you want anything, just whistle!

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post #35 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 06:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is this normal?

So I've sat him down tonight and said I haven't changed my mind. He said he thinks he had a mini breakdown today, lost some time/memory. Said he gets up before the kids (they are on holiday from school but I have to work) and gets all his tears out before they see him.
He said he doesn't think he will make it through the split and that he is just enjoying summer with the kids before he can't afford to provide for them anymore.
I said to him it felt like emotional blackmail. He denied it. He was very upset but i said I cannot stay with you it's not a normal loving relationship.
He then went on to say the kids will be crushed by it and that his parents will be offended that they helped us 13 years ago to set up our family home and now we are throwing it in their face, I tried to say that we didn't know then this wouldn't work. We've been together 22 years but the last 6 have taken their toll.
I explained I wanted to help him work out his finances and he there for him, I don't hate Him and wouldn't see him high and dry but i cannot remain his wife.

I feel guilt and sadness. I feel like I have broken him. He was such a strong man, I feel like he is throwing every emotional trigger at me that's possible. He denied that he had depression today but he does.
I feel a bad person


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post #36 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 06:17 PM Thread Starter
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Feel dreadful

One minute I feel positive and it's the right choice but then I remember how we used to be many years ago and it's that, which I feel I am grieving for


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Last edited by EleGirl; 04-12-2017 at 01:09 AM. Reason: removed part of text that was duplicated from orginal post, merged her 2 threads.
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post #37 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 06:40 PM
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Re: Feel dreadful

This is rough. I agree he sounds depressed. He has to want to help himself you can't make him. Maybe it's too late, maybe if he lost weight and got back to being the man you fell in love with the feelings would return. Or if you are done, your done. The way you are feeling is no surprise. It's sad, it sounds like his mental health contributed a lot to it, that is very sad. You really tried to get him to change but he didn't, that's sad as well.

Last edited by sokillme; 04-11-2017 at 09:05 PM.
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post #38 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 06:52 PM
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Cool Re: Feel dreadful

You have every right to exercise any course of action against him that you may desire! So sorry to hear of your sad plight!

The marriage and romance seems to be gone, so if there's really no other recourse, you might want to talk to a good family attorney to help assess your legal custodial and property rights!

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post #39 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 11:32 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

Quote:
Originally Posted by summer41 View Post
So I've sat him down tonight and said I haven't changed my mind. He said he thinks he had a mini breakdown today, lost some time/memory. Said he gets up before the kids (they are on holiday from school but I have to work) and gets all his tears out before they see him.
He said he doesn't think he will make it through the split and that he is just enjoying summer with the kids before he can't afford to provide for them anymore.
I said to him it felt like emotional blackmail. He denied it. He was very upset but i said I cannot stay with you it's not a normal loving relationship.
He then went on to say the kids will be crushed by it and that his parents will be offended that they helped us 13 years ago to set up our family home and now we are throwing it in their face, I tried to say that we didn't know then this wouldn't work. We've been together 22 years but the last 6 have taken their toll.
I explained I wanted to help him work out his finances and he there for him, I don't hate Him and wouldn't see him high and dry but i cannot remain his wife.

I feel guilt and sadness. I feel like I have broken him. He was such a strong man, I feel like he is throwing every emotional trigger at me that's possible. He denied that he had depression today but he does.
I feel a bad person


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What other leverage does he have but emotional triggers?

He is desperate....desperate and weak.

Go ahead with the separation and divorce.

To soothe him over a bit, tell him once the separation and divorce are final, you will reassess his progress [if any].

Give him a little hope. Tell his family all the particulars. Tell them about his need to improve during this period.

In all honesty, I think he will squander this last chance. And that is OK, too. You want away from this man. I do not blame you.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #40 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 12:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Feel dreadful

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She said she was new to these boards and was lost. Hopefully, she will stay with us and see how posting here works.


Sorry @EleGirl don't know how I did that ? Please merge them. I am hopeless at this technical stuff. Was a complete mess last night after my conversation with H
Thank you again! X


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post #41 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 01:10 AM
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Re: Feel dreadful

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Sorry @EleGirl don't know how I did that ? Please merge them. I am hopeless at this technical stuff. Was a complete mess last night after my conversation with H
Thank you again! X
I merged your two threads. You will get better input this way.
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post #42 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 01:17 AM
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Re: Feel dreadful

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One minute I feel positive and it's the right choice but then I remember how we used to be many years ago and it's that, which I feel I am grieving for
I'm sure that you are all over the place. This is not an easy decision to make and even harder to carry out.

Do you have a plan for what you want to do? I guess you want to get a divorce. So have you written up a list of all the things you need to do to get it done? While this might seem like a mountain too high to climb, having a plan that you can work one item at a time might help you. Then you just need to think about working the next thing on your list. And once you have done all the steps, you will be where you want to be.

Have you checked your state laws about things like alimony? Since you earn twice as much as your husband, you will most likely be paying him child support until your youngest turns 18. Then there is a possibility of you paying alimony/spousal-support. If you will share what state you live in, I'd be glad to find some info on divorce that might be helpful to you.

I'll check back with you tomorrow. Today was a long day for me so I have not been online much. I should be around here more tomorrow.
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post #43 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 08:49 AM
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Re: Is this normal?

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Guyincolorado that's my worry our son who is 8 doesn't see us cuddling holding hands or even laughing. I am being soft. I don't want to hurt my husband but I realise that I am going to have to keep reiterating over and over again that this is happening.


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Oh my.... When my son was younger about 7 or 8 he would ask those questions.. Why don't you kiss and hold hands? I lied and said we do in private!! So sad... I am affectionate with my kids-- as much as they allow.

I'm also trying to wrap my head around leaving him ad often go back and forth.. It's the right thing to do but don't know if I can 'stomach' it...
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post #44 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is this normal?

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Oh my.... When my son was younger about 7 or 8 he would ask those questions.. Why don't you kiss and hold hands? I lied and said we do in private!! So sad... I am affectionate with my kids-- as much as they allow.



I'm also trying to wrap my head around leaving him ad often go back and forth.. It's the right thing to do but don't know if I can 'stomach' it...


I was fortunate enough to get in with my counsellor at work today. I am struggling now due to my conversation with my H last night. Some of the comments scared me, as in is he suicidal. He is losing blocks of time now and memory, the counsellor said that could mean his head is about to burst that can lead to psychosis. So now I am panicking that if I do go through with it (which I know I have to do) that he may hurt himself I couldn't live with that. I am in desperate mode now. Trapped. Damned if I do and damned if I don't.




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post #45 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:22 AM
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Re: Is this normal?

I don't see this as a situation that necessarily needs to be a divorce. Both of you are sad and have issues with each other but if you agree to work on them I think you'll be in a much better place. I kinda know what you're going through, I love bicycling but my wife chooses not to join me and stay home and get fatter and more depressed. Sure I'd like her to join me and I wish she would work through her depression but I'm not going to divorce her over it. We have worse problems to work through. I would recommend that you try to work though your issues together, it's better than giving up.

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