Is this normal? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 09:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is this normal?

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I don't see this as a situation that necessarily needs to be a divorce. Both of you are sad and have issues with each other but if you agree to work on them I think you'll be in a much better place. I kinda know what you're going through, I love bicycling but my wife chooses not to join me and stay home and get fatter and more depressed. Sure I'd like her to join me and I wish she would work through her depression but I'm not going to divorce her over it. We have worse problems to work through. I would recommend that you try to work though your issues together, it's better than giving up.


It's not just the issues around him not joining me. It's the put downs. The manipulative emotional behaviour making me feel thick and pathetic a rubbish mum deflecting all his bad feelings on me and after 6 years of me trying I am worn out. He won't see anyone about his depression, he won't talk to me. He doesn't "do" emotions or talking about them so I am struggling as to where I can go from here. The only way in his mind that I can make it all ok is to stop running and doing things with my friends which I don't do that much. Then he says miraculously that will make it all ok. That's when he admits he has depression. He now says he doesn't have depression which is a worrying place for him to be

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post #47 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:09 AM
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Re: Is this normal?

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It's not just the issues around him not joining me. It's the put downs. The manipulative emotional behaviour making me feel thick and pathetic a rubbish mum deflecting all his bad feelings on me and after 6 years of me trying I am worn out. He won't see anyone about his depression, he won't talk to me. He doesn't "do" emotions or talking about them so I am struggling as to where I can go from here. The only way in his mind that I can make it all ok is to stop running and doing things with my friends which I don't do that much. Then he says miraculously that will make it all ok. That's when he admits he has depression. He now says he doesn't have depression which is a worrying place for him to be
ok so give up the running with the stipulation he cuts all the crap, it's better than putting your kids through a divorce.

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post #48 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is this normal?

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ok so give up the running with the stipulation he cuts all the crap, it's better than putting your kids through a divorce.


I disagree but I don't know your situation. Thank you for your time


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post #49 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is this normal?

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ok so give up the running with the stipulation he cuts all the crap, it's better than putting your kids through a divorce.


I feel I have to reiterate that by giving up something that pulled myself out of my dark place would be very detrimental to the children and would put both parents in a black hole. I think that two happy homes are better than one that is filled with confusing signals about what a relationship should look like and one that is filled with atmosphere.



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post #50 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:39 AM
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Re: Is this normal?

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I feel I have to reiterate that by giving up something that pulled myself out of my dark place would be very detrimental to the children and would put both parents in a black hole. I think that two happy homes are better than one that is filled with confusing signals about what a relationship should look like and one that is filled with atmosphere.



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Seems to me it would be two unhappy homes. Your H clearly doesn't want a divorce. It seems this is more about your not willing to give up running at the expense of divorce. I know that it pulled you from a dark place but it's causing strain with your husband.

I don't want to fight with you over this, I want to help you. Shouldn't you try to fix things with your H and at least temporarily give up the running and see where that puts you. Maybe if your H sees that you are willing to set the divorce and running aside for awhile he would be willing to work with you on the marriage? If he still goes back to his old self, you can then say you've given in as much as you could, and even were willing to give up something that means alot to you to fix the marriage and your H wasn't interested.

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post #51 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Is this normal?

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Seems to me it would be two unhappy homes. Your H clearly doesn't want a divorce. It seems this is more about your not willing to give up running at the expense of divorce. I know that it pulled you from a dark place but it's causing strain with your husband.



I don't want to fight with you over this, I want to help you. Shouldn't you try to fix things with your H and at least temporarily give up the running and see where that puts you. Maybe if your H sees that you are willing to set the divorce and running aside for awhile he would be willing to work with you on the marriage? If he still goes back to his old self, you can then say you've given in as much as you could, and even were willing to give up something that means alot to you to fix the marriage and your H wasn't interested.


I have tried that 3 years ago I gave up it all. I tumbled down and he didn't change. I carried on for the children so that I didn't tear their world apart. Instead I tore my own apart to save them. Instead I lost myself in the process.

Thank you for your advice


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post #52 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 10:55 AM
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Re: Is this normal?

OP, I thought this was why you came here too, to get advice about your marriage? It seems to me you already decided to end it.

I agree with @jb02157- why not give it one last shot with the plan I suggested before throwing in the towel? If you didn't have kids....that would be a different story. But you do and since your husband sounds desperate not to lose his family, don't you think there is a way you can try to work on it for another 6 months or a year? Even if you separate now, you can tell him that you'd be willing to reconcile if he's able to prove to you and the kids that he is getting treatment, and behaving like a married man and father should by engaging in the marriage and family.

And when I asked if the running group was co-ed, you said it's mostly females. Are you training with other men? If so, I think he has a right to say it bothers him. My husband was really into a training that included other females. I was unable to go at the same time, even though I practice the same sport. A few of these women started telling me they missed by husband when he was busy with me and our family. I was deeply hurt so he stopped going, even though he loves this sport. We found an alternative that works very well for both of us and is better for our marriage.

My point is that in marriage, our happiness should not come at the expense of our spouse. We work together to come up wil alternatives that are best for the marriage. I get that your husband hasn't been able to do that due to his depression, and I have read that depression in men is very difficult for wives, often much harder than if the situation were reversed. I get that you're unhappy in the marriage, but why not give him a chance to change with a big wake up call that he's about to lose you? And I still think that you need to reevaluate your running activity and negotiate a better solution for the marriage.
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post #53 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 01:24 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

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I disagree but I don't know your situation. Thank you for your time
I also disagree. The running is a healthy activity that benefits your physical and mental health.

It would be different if you spent hours and hours a week at it, ignoring your home, children and husband. But from what you said, you do not. And even if this were the case, you would not need to give it up entirely, only to the point that you have time for family and home.

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post #54 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 01:30 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

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I also disagree. The running is a healthy activity that benefits your physical and mental health.

It would be different if you spent hours and hours a week at it, ignoring your home, children and husband. But from what you said, you do not. And even if this were the case, you would not need to give it up entirely, only to the point that you have time for family and home.
Or only to the point that addresses your husband's concerns. If you're training with the opposite sex, he has a valid concern.
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post #55 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:33 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
OP, I thought this was why you came here too, to get advice about your marriage? It seems to me you already decided to end it.

I agree with @jb02157- why not give it one last shot with the plan I suggested before throwing in the towel? If you didn't have kids....that would be a different story. But you do and since your husband sounds desperate not to lose his family, don't you think there is a way you can try to work on it for another 6 months or a year? Even if you separate now, you can tell him that you'd be willing to reconcile if he's able to prove to you and the kids that he is getting treatment, and behaving like a married man and father should by engaging in the marriage and family.

And when I asked if the running group was co-ed, you said it's mostly females. Are you training with other men? If so, I think he has a right to say it bothers him. My husband was really into a training that included other females. I was unable to go at the same time, even though I practice the same sport. A few of these women started telling me they missed by husband when he was busy with me and our family. I was deeply hurt so he stopped going, even though he loves this sport. We found an alternative that works very well for both of us and is better for our marriage.

My point is that in marriage, our happiness should not come at the expense of our spouse. We work together to come up wil alternatives that are best for the marriage. I get that your husband hasn't been able to do that due to his depression, and I have read that depression in men is very difficult for wives, often much harder than if the situation were reversed. I get that you're unhappy in the marriage, but why not give him a chance to change with a big wake up call that he's about to lose you? And I still think that you need to reevaluate your running activity and negotiate a better solution for the marriage.
Jessica38, why are you not understanding that this man is choosing to NOT help himself, therefore not helping his marriage? He CHOOSES to sit around in depression, despite his wife's pleads for him to GET SOME HELP. He CHOOSES to sit home instead of joining his wife in activities. Instead he is upset that she will not sit and wallow with him, which is what he wants, the activity she is involved in doesnt matter.

Have you ever been with a depressed spouse? Have you ever been with a spouse who wants nothing to do with you and is not interested in participating in your marriage? If not, let me tell you, it is a LIFE SUCK. And the hardest part is that NO ONE can make another person help themselves. I think the huge guilt trip and giant pity party displayed by summer41's husband was 100% manipulation, in order to get her to stay so that he can continue NOT doing something for himself.

This man sounds SO MUCH like my first husband, its scary. He was depressed while we were married (and before) and no matter what I tried, he would not admit it and would not seek to do anything about it. He was completely checked out of our marriage, had nothing to do with me, and was completely absorbed in himself. Once we seperated, he did finally see the doctor and got on antidepressants. He frequently told me how much better he felt. After a couple of years, he went off of them, and never would start them again. He remarried, and they divorced after about five years, as he continued having the same issues since he did nothing to make changes for himself. He blamed the world for his problem and refused to help himself. (probably because it was all EVERYONE ELSE'S FAULT)

Summer has been making an effort to encourage her H to do SOMETHING. He doesnt want to. Why keep hounding her to keep trying, when the other half insists on not participating?


Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #56 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:00 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

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Jessica38, why are you not understanding that this man is choosing to NOT help himself, therefore not helping his marriage? He CHOOSES to sit around in depression, despite his wife's pleads for him to GET SOME HELP. He CHOOSES to sit home instead of joining his wife in activities. Instead he is upset that she will not sit and wallow with him, which is what he wants, the activity she is involved in doesnt matter.

Have you ever been with a depressed spouse? Have you ever been with a spouse who wants nothing to do with you and is not interested in participating in your marriage? If not, let me tell you, it is a LIFE SUCK. And the hardest part is that NO ONE can make another person help themselves. I think the huge guilt trip and giant pity party displayed by summer41's husband was 100% manipulation, in order to get her to stay so that he can continue NOT doing something for himself.

This man sounds SO MUCH like my first husband, its scary. He was depressed while we were married (and before) and no matter what I tried, he would not admit it and would not seek to do anything about it. He was completely checked out of our marriage, had nothing to do with me, and was completely absorbed in himself. Once we seperated, he did finally see the doctor and got on antidepressants. He frequently told me how much better he felt. After a couple of years, he went off of them, and never would start them again. He remarried, and they divorced after about five years, as he continued having the same issues since he did nothing to make changes for himself. He blamed the world for his problem and refused to help himself. (probably because it was all EVERYONE ELSE'S FAULT)

Summer has been making an effort to encourage her H to do SOMETHING. He doesnt want to. Why keep hounding her to keep trying, when the other half insists on not participating?
Because she has children and depression is treatable. When we make vows, we promise to love and care for our spouse in sickness and in health. I'm no stranger to PPD and have witnessed how difficult it is on a family. I do not have experience with a depressed husband though and my heart goes out to the OP. His reaction to her ending it is not one of apathy- he does care.

I agree with separating until he demonstrates that he is getting treatment and that he can engage in the marriage and family. But I don't agree with throwing away the marriage entirely until he is given a chance to prove himself. A separation may be the wake-up call he needs to get help.

And I do know that running clubs/training have hurt marriages when the opposite sex is involved. I have no idea if that is what is going on here, but the OP said that she trains *mostly* with women. When your marriage is struggling, training with the OS where support and endorphins are involved can lead to bonding.

In short, I understand that this situation is extremely difficult on the OP and anyone else who has gone through it. I do think she needs to do something here, as she can't live like this either. But I don't agree that she should give up on the marriage without giving it one last shot at shaking him up enough to get treatment and prove he can be there for her and the family.
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post #57 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 03:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is this normal?

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Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
Jessica38, why are you not understanding that this man is choosing to NOT help himself, therefore not helping his marriage? He CHOOSES to sit around in depression, despite his wife's pleads for him to GET SOME HELP. He CHOOSES to sit home instead of joining his wife in activities. Instead he is upset that she will not sit and wallow with him, which is what he wants, the activity she is involved in doesnt matter.



Have you ever been with a depressed spouse? Have you ever been with a spouse who wants nothing to do with you and is not interested in participating in your marriage? If not, let me tell you, it is a LIFE SUCK. And the hardest part is that NO ONE can make another person help themselves. I think the huge guilt trip and giant pity party displayed by summer41's husband was 100% manipulation, in order to get her to stay so that he can continue NOT doing something for himself.



This man sounds SO MUCH like my first husband, its scary. He was depressed while we were married (and before) and no matter what I tried, he would not admit it and would not seek to do anything about it. He was completely checked out of our marriage, had nothing to do with me, and was completely absorbed in himself. Once we seperated, he did finally see the doctor and got on antidepressants. He frequently told me how much better he felt. After a couple of years, he went off of them, and never would start them again. He remarried, and they divorced after about five years, as he continued having the same issues since he did nothing to make changes for himself. He blamed the world for his problem and refused to help himself. (probably because it was all EVERYONE ELSE'S FAULT)



Summer has been making an effort to encourage her H to do SOMETHING. He doesnt want to. Why keep hounding her to keep trying, when the other half insists on not participating?


Thank you. You have hit every nail on the head in that reply. I have begged on hands and knees for him to get help so that we can be a family over and over again to be met with complete and utter rejection. Time after time. 6 years it's been endured to the point I am wobbling between sitting it out for the kids yet it is in an environment that isn't healthy but we are a "family" or move on and let my kids see mums smiling again eventually.
I train / run with women.


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post #58 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:02 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

@summer41

I have some questions about the group you run with.

How many people are there in your running group?

How many of those people are men?

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post #59 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is this normal?

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Because she has children and depression is treatable. When we make vows, we promise to love and care for our spouse in sickness and in health. I'm no stranger to PPD and have witnessed how difficult it is on a family. I do not have experience with a depressed husband though and my heart goes out to the OP. His reaction to her ending it is not one of apathy- he does care.



I agree with separating until he demonstrates that he is getting treatment and that he can engage in the marriage and family. But I don't agree with throwing away the marriage entirely until he is given a chance to prove himself. A separation may be the wake-up call he needs to get help.



And I do know that running clubs/training have hurt marriages when the opposite sex is involved. I have no idea if that is what is going on here, but the OP said that she trains *mostly* with women. When your marriage is struggling, training with the OS where support and endorphins are involved can lead to bonding.



In short, I understand that this situation is extremely difficult on the OP and anyone else who has gone through it. I do think she needs to do something here, as she can't live like this either. But I don't agree that she should give up on the marriage without giving it one last shot at shaking him up enough to get treatment and prove he can be there for her and the family.


"Mostly" women is when their partners also join for social runs. This club is family orientated - kids too hence why I wanted him to come along to try and make or relationship work as he wasn't and this was the only way i could personally see a way forward he wouldn't go to relate he wouldn't go the doctors so maybe new friends that also involved the children as a FAMILY we could have a social side he could then maybe build friendships with the other men and have his own social side. The running was seen as a FAMILY way forward.

When I took my vows I was totally besotted with this man and I would love and care for him until the end but would you say that to a physically abused wife? I wouldn't and even though this is EMOTIONAL abuse that I have tried to cope with for years, the nasty comments - the nasty actions over the years I have brushed them aside thinking it was me or it's ok it's his illness; but no I am sorry we have to look for self preservation at a point. I still wobble between staying and going down to the family / marriage ethics but I am broken emotionally. Date nights I always had to arrange them to try and save our marriage he never did.
Not once has he said he is upset about losing me, he is upset about family man outsider view. He is worried financially as also sometimes a depressed person just spends money like water.
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post #60 of 86 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:07 PM
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Re: Is this normal?

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Or only to the point that addresses your husband's concerns. If you're training with the opposite sex, he has a valid concern.
The OP says that she runs for about 20 minutes early in the morning BY HERSELF. Her husband objects to her doing this as well. That's not reasonable. She benefits in important ways from the exercise. He's unreasonable to expect her to give up something that works for her.

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